SMR Nation

Small changes. Sexier relationships. Better Nations.

Corey

Sexual Desire Differences, What If There’s Nothing Going Wrong?

By

Are you the high desire or the low desire spouse when it comes to sex?

Have desire differences created problems in your marriage?

Sooner or later, most couples experience problems in this area. Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples.

But what about (cue the dramatic music) if you’re the wife who has higher desire for sex than your husband?!?

It’s natural to feel bad about having sexual desire differences, especially if you believe that sex is a natural function. Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people. And at first glance, this makes a lot of sense.

But if you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes “naturally,” you’re in for a load of problems. You’ll feel pressured to create something that just isn’t there. You’ll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life. You may even begin to feel defective or screwed up. In turn, it’s less likely that you’ll address these sexual desire problems and even less likely you’ll succeed if you do. Add to this the seemingly taboo-ness of a man with low sexual desire (not as uncommon as you’d think).

When you believe that sex is a natural function, it sucks to be the low desire spouse. You may see yourself as the one with the problem … plus it’s likely that your spouse (the high desire spouse) sees you that way too.

The other big problem with approaching sexual desire as a natural biological function is it actually helps create low sexual desire because it makes sexual desire impersonal. It’s hard to desire sex when it feels like your spouse just wants to relieve their physical or emotional needs.

Know this: There’s always a low desire spouse and there’s always a high desire spouse – and there’s one of each in every marriage.

[Read more…] about Sexual Desire Differences, What If There’s Nothing Going Wrong?

The Paradox of Getting More Done

By

I used to be a lot like you. I had huge to-do lists, ran myself ragged, and worried endlessly how I was ever going to get everything accomplished because man, I was so busy! It almost was a badge of honor.

I mean, it’s how we answer everyone’s casual greeting of “How ya doing?”

And then one day, I realized something. Busy is often the product of poor aim.

If you have too much to do, it’s often because you’re shooting at too many targets. You’re seeing the entire battlefield and not the objective.

Aim Better

In video games of all kinds, the “world” becomes simplified. In Tetris, you know you’re supposed to get the blocks to fit such that the rows decrease. In Angry Birds, you’re aiming for a three star knockdown of the pigs. In Pac Man? Eat all the dots before the ghosts get you. (Man I’m dating myself with these references :))

Even in more complex games like Overwatch or Fortnite, where the world seems FULL of things to do, there are “things you can shoot at” and there are “objectives.” An objective is a goal to be met, often one that provides a reward. As opposed to the “shoot the bad guys” part of the game, it might be something like “complete a challenge to earn this skin.”

Starting to see the story here?

You are most likely shooting at a lot of things. Instead, seek the actual objective. [Read more…] about The Paradox of Getting More Done

Ultimatums in Married Life

By

angrycoupleWhen things happen in married life, whether bad or good, a common reaction is to blame (or give credit) someone else.

While they may have been a contibuting factor to the result of a situation, when we fail to acknowledge our own role in life’s circumstances, we damage our own growth and chance for lasting happiness.

How can that be, you ask?

There are countless times in married life when you’re faced with the idea of compromise.

Shouldn’t you simply go along to get along?

But at what price?

Often the price is the deepest part of our self. Our core. Our integrity.

Popular belief – the way through conflict and in to the world of happiness is to learn to speak each other’s language better. Or to learn the art of reflective listening. While I’m not completely against these concepts, it seems a bit too elementary for the nitty-gritty of married life. [Read more…] about Ultimatums in Married Life

Helping When Help Isn’t Really Wanted

By

HELPThe scene is a couple driving in the car on the way to dinner:

Silence for several minutes.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

A few more minutes of silence passed, “I know something is wrong. What’s going on?”

“Nothing! Jeez, what am I doing?”

“That’s just it! You’re not doing or saying anything, and now you’re biting my head off.”

“I’m just driving.”

“How can I help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m not asking for your help, and you’re making things worse by trying to push your help onto me!”

——

In married life we can easily misread and overstep our bounds with each other. Even when this is under the umbrella of trying to help – we overreach when we attempt to help when help isn’t wanted.

But … helping is a good thing.

We are often taught to look out for others. Or to serve one another.

So how can helping be a bad thing? [Read more…] about Helping When Help Isn’t Really Wanted

Bad Sex Can Be Good For Marriage

By

Couple-FightingSteve meets Michelle.

They fall in love and get married shortly after graduation.

For our story Steve is the high sex desire spouse and Michelle is the low sex desire spouse.

Early in their marriage, Steve’s always raring to go. Anytime, anyplace, the more the better. Which, by the way, is part of a lie about what constitutes good sex in our culture.

Michelle likes sex with Steve, at least in the beginning. He’s spontaneous, adventurous and full of energy.

His desire helps her feel free and alive, like tapping into something sexual deep within her. But, she’s still unsure who she is sexually (incidentally, so is Steve, although it looks like he isn’t because he more closely fits a cultural norm.)

Life as newlyweds wears off, although it too has provided another level of pressure through the perceived perception others have of their “happily married couple” existence together. Maybe kids have entered the picture, or they’ve struggled to have kids but can’t, either way, things begin to change.

Steve is still the high desire spouse and wants sex any way he can get it. But Michelle begins to prefer routine encounters, usually focused on Steve because she’s feeling a little bit used but is in a bind of trying to appease him so he’ll back off a little, or at the very least stop begging.

In doing so, she sets her inner sexuality (i.e. her desires, identity, and pleasures) aside in an attempt to relieve the pressure from her husband. In fact, between the pressure from Steve and the stresses of her daily life, she sets it aside so much that she forgets she has it and even begins to believe she never did.

Meanwhile, Steve doesn’t mind routine sex with Michelle. Certainly not enough to hold out for something more. After all, it’s sex! And sex makes him feel less alone, even though he has to resort to pleading and guilting his wife in to it.

This leaves him in a real bind. Because this isn’t just about horniness, contrary to popular belief, because actually he’d give up his very soul for sex, and now does so regularly. This happens because he not only accepts, but eventually begs for less than what he really wants.

Now we’re not talking about biological drive – we’re on to something much deeper. [Read more…] about Bad Sex Can Be Good For Marriage

The Problem Isn’t Passion

By

 

Life has a way of grinding us up if we’re not careful. Think about it, where we likely spend a bulk of our week is even called the grind.

Then when we add in the complexities, and at times drudgeries, of relationships we’ve got a recipe for struggle and life sucking burden.

Or do we?

I think what helps keep us in relationships is the hope of rediscovering the feelings we experienced at the beginning. You know the ones. Obsessive. Blindingly optimistic. And idealistically distorted.

We could talk for hours … about nothing (and everything). Hanging on every word and hating the fact that eventually one of us would have to actually sleep in order to function the next day.

As the relationship continued and the lustful longings inevitably fade they are replaced by completely different ones. And if you’ve been watching too many sappy movies or binging the Bachelor/ette you think there is something horribly wrong with your marriage.

Where did the passion go?

Society seems to have an idealized view of passion. [Read more…] about The Problem Isn’t Passion

Looking for resources to help your relationship?

Check out these valuable resources that will help your marriage.

Learn More

Don’t show this message again.

Sexy Marriage Radio Academy

Join the Academy for Xtended access and support.

Check it out