Apparently, there are varying beliefs about whether your spouse should be your best friend.
Let me begin by quoting something from the previous article that possibly was missed: “To clarify, I’m referring to best friend here as a primary and/or sole outlet of your relational needs.”
Of course your spouse is going to be your friend.
And of course your spouse is going to be important in your life. But when your spouse is the entirety of your life, or the center of your existence … that’s what I believe can lead to problems.
Specifically in the area of desire and sex.
One thing that differentiates your spouse from the others in your life is the fact that you have sex with your spouse. You “know” them differently, and they you.
That’s part of what I believe makes marriage elegant … and delicate.
As your spouse climbs the ladder of importance in your life, you experience the paradox of human relationships – our need for enough togetherness to survive and enough separateness to thrive.
With friends, this paradox is still present, but to a lesser degree.
Marriage is the main playing field of this paradox. It’s also the best relationship designed for growing up.
I believe many couples begin to experience issues in their relationship when they’re too close. The pull toward togetherness is often stronger than the pull toward separateness in marriage. And this usually means there’s more pressure to conform or accommodate your spouse’s wishes or wants in order to keep the peace.
Where the issue of being too close most often shows up is in a decrease of passion, novelty and eroticism – because these aspects can only exist in the space between you. (See Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity for a much deeper look at this idea)
So to rephrase my previous post … if your spouse is your entire world – monotony is likely to ensue. But when you both work to live full, interesting and passionate lives – this will naturally spill over into the relationship.
What I find interesting is that most of the comments that disagreed with the premise of the previous post went on to describe the same thing stated within the post.
Granted, when it comes to friendship, and marriage for that matter, there is no one way to approach it – and it’s all about finding a healthy balance.
But I firmly believe marriage is choice … and it’s just as much a choice on day 1,761 as it is on day 1.
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