In case you didn’t hear we’ve begun more conversations on Instagram – come join us @sexymarriageradio
Hop over and follow us to join in the Stories and Conversations. We also will regularly be posting tips and ideas to spice up your marriage, or address common issues we all face in relationships.
Here are some of the questions that have already come in from our conversations.
Question: My husband and I are pretty open minded when it comes to understanding each other and our sex drives. We are each other’s “first time” but curiosity sometimes gets to us. We enjoy looking and admiring other people’s bodies and have talked about this to each other as well knowing that it comes from a place of respect and not lust or wanting to cheat out of bitterness.
We’ve had a few conversations about the idea of joining with another mutually respectable couple for some fun as well. We have rules in mind that would protect us from just picking anyone like 1- benefit both parties, 2-other couple has same mindset as us for fun/curious not from anger/lust, etc.
my question is… is it wrong to engage in this kind of activity?
Dr Allan’s Reply: There are several questions that come to my mind with your question, what is behind the desire to possibly “open” the relationship? What exactly are you curious about with this path? What happens if you go down the path and one of you determines it’s a no go?
While the conversations and honesty it takes to explore this and even talk about it, or plan it, can produce some real benefits for each of you, it’s a tricky path. But often the fantasy world is something we can use to help us escape, grow, explore etc provided it remains in the world of fantasy. When actions are added to the world of a fantasy, that is a bell you can’t unring.
Is it wrong you ask? This is for nobody but the two of you to determine as each of us have our own moral compass and authority. I have worked with several couples looking to go down this path and they all seem to be looking for permission or someone else to be a moral authority for them – I refuse to play this role for anyone other than myself and my path.
I generally follow, and give this idea as a way to frame the conversations, thoughts and decisions: What does your gut tell you? Your relationship with God tell you? Your relationship with each other tell you? Usually if we have to talk ourselves into a path or decision then is a slippery slope path at best, if not flat out wrong for ourselves.
Question: Hello, Dr. Allan!
I saw your story with Christians Who Curse Sometimes, but I didn’t submit my question in time. My question is simple- I am 23, getting married in a couple months, and my fiancé and I are both waiting to get married to have sex and are both virgins. We’re both on the same page about lots of foreplay and just letting things escalate naturally (even if it means actual intercourse happens after the wedding night). However, is the first time supposed to hurt for women, even with foreplay? I’ve heard it does, and then I heard it shouldn’t- I can’t really find a straight answer. I’m scared of the emotional damage that might happen if sex hurts for me. And my fiancé wants it to be pleasurable for me just like I want it to be pleasurable for him.
Dr Allan’s Reply: The most straightforward answer I can give is maybe. For some women there is a little pain (not being on your side of this I can’t speak from experience). Those I have heard from about this don’t describe the pain as severe or even high up the scale. But it was noticeable.
The best thing I recommend is along the lines of what you are already planning – go slow, lots of foreplay, and don’t be afraid to us a good lube. Also talk to each other about it during the initial insertion. May not seem very romantic – but it absolutely is intimate.
I usually encourage newlyweds to have lube around all the time at the beginning of this journey, and a towel. Sex is often much more messy than people think 🙂
Relax and enjoy each other – you’ve both got this!
Question: Hello! I’ve very much enjoyed your knowledgeable and frank advice to the various questions on the CWCS stories. He didn’t get to my question so I thought I’d ask you directly.
I struggle with whether it’s okay or not to “fantasize” while having sex with my husband, or rather specifically when he is manually stimulating me. To be clear, I’m not imagining he is someone else; it’s more of a scenario/roleplay of nameless and faceless characters. For example teacher/student, doctor/patient, boss, etc. pretty typical fantasies.
These are my concerns:
1-I’ve tried being ultra present and just focus on sensations and such and it ends up taking forever and I start losing arousal because I feel like he’s wondering why it’s taking so long.
2- I used to struggle with addiction to reading erotica/explicit novels so the scenarios I fantasize about are somewhat tied to something unhealthy for me in my past.
3- the fact that my fantasies involve a dominant/submissive element might be telling, because I have much higher sex drive than my husband and probably initiate intimacy 80% of the time.
Maybe I’m trying to make up for that in my head?
Dr Allan’s Reply: Yes, you could be attempting to make up for something in your head, especially when you feel there is a discrepancy in some area between you. Venturing into the world of fantasy is one of those areas many Christians are afraid of, namely because of Matthew 5:28 – if you even look at a woman lustfully …, but most every Christian and non-Christian alike has fantasies – or at least the ability to fantasize.
Your journey sounds almost more like role play more than fantasy but for the sake of our conversation we’ll keep these two loosely interrelated.
Now we start getting into the world of is it right or wrong. So ask yourself a couple of these questions about your fantasy journey – Does your fantasy life draw you away or towards your husband and yourself during these experiences? If asked, would you share your fantasy life in real time while experiencing them? What would your husband say if he knew you were emotionally and mentally disconnected from him during these fantasies?
I choose to land in the world of our fantasies tell us something about ourselves – and they all usually have a flavor of political incorrectness. What does your fantasy life tell you about you in those moments? What would happen if you brought some of the meanings underneath the fantasy to the light and played in the world of “power” more in your life, marriage and sex life?
Don’t be too hard on yourself in your answers because while the ultimate goal is for each of us to strive for more presence in every moment of our lives (especially sex) we all drift in and out with our thoughts and emotions. The goal to me is to grow more involved in my own life and moments each and every day. To experience God’s presence and my own in the experiences and interactions I’m blessed with. And then to enjoy the moments while I can and share myself with those I’m involved with.