Our Instagram collaboration with @christianswhocursesometimes continues. What follows is the Q&A hosted over the Valentine’s Weekend.
Also, if you’re on Instagram be sure to follow @sexymarriageradio
Here are the questions asked by men, along with my replies….
Question: I’m gonna try and do all the married guys out there a favor by asking this: Are there any tips or tricks for us to last longer in bed? I feel like I spend a lot of time focused on my wife (which I definitely enjoy) but when it comes to me I’m always just trying to last longer and not finish so quickly. Is there some big secret this sexpert can bestow upon us men? (You’re welcome guys)
Dr Allan’s Reply: This is a more common issue in men than is often discussed so relax and breathe. First, most often this is an anxiety based response, and it can also be a learned behavior. For many men, when there’s the prospect of sex our anxiety spikes with excitement, insecurities, longings, and the like. This doesn’t help the process unfold slowly – so spend some time exploring your process (more in just a moment). Second, not lasting long can be a learned response, often most tied to adolescence if there were some to several masturbatory experiences for the man. Masturbation, while at times useful in the journey of self-discovery and sensations, most often is approached with secrecy and quickness. After all, you usually don’t want to be discovered experiencing the act.
So how do you retrain your mind and body? First, relax and breathe. Far too often sex is approached as an act to conquer with a specific goal to achieve. What if you approached the times with your wife without attachment to a goal? It will feel weird at first, but throw away the script for the usual process and switch it up. Expert tip, if you often cum too quickly and you go after her orgasm, what if you go first, then her, then you and her? Plus, who says after one or both of you orgasm that sex is done?
Second, change up positions more frequently. Many men will find some positions that amp it up quickly and at the same time there may be some that allow it to increase more slowly. Open your eyes and look into hers. Connect. Stop thrusting with a goal and follow the connection between you. After all, you’re getting to enjoy another person is a unique and sacred way. Enjoy it. If it’s over too soon in your opinion (or even your wife’s) hang out together afterwards and talk. Who knows, perhaps you’re both not actually finished yet!
Question: Does he have any advice for ways to look up or find new positions or fun things to try? I was a porn addict for nearly my whole life and have been free for 3 years now. My wife and I both agree that things are feeling a little vanilla (We only use the same 2 positions). I’m worried to Google anything, and my wife doesn’t want me to either which I totally understand. Are there any websites or books that can help us find more positions without porn or nudity?
Dr Allan’s Reply: There are many resources to help find new positions, spice things up, or even add toys.
A few resources I recommend are Christian Friendly Sex Positions (www.cfsps.co), very safe and informative, there are over 280 positions to try! If you wanted to explore sex toys and the like, Covenant Spice (https://www.covenantspice.com/)has been a sponsor for SMR in the past. And of course, listen to Sexy Marriage Radio as we want to help couples talk about this area of their life – as well as experience it more.
As for books – 31 Days to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire and The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner are both pretty good.
For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/lazy-lover/
Question: So basically my wife and I waited until getting married to have sex, only when we went to try it didn’t work bc it causes her so much pain that she can’t continue. Not to say we haven’t tried but it’s been over a year and we still haven’t done it, we do other things of course to stay intimate but we’d both like to be able to fully do it. Whenever we try, it makes her feel discouraged bc she continues to feel pain. She’s tried dilators but by the 3rd dilator it’s too painful for her so she stops and the feeling of discouragement comes back so it becomes a cycle. What can we do to help this process?
Dr Allan’s Reply: First, this is something that needs to be discussed with her doctor, and not just a general practitioner. Be sure to rule out any medical issues that could be present for her. And be an advocate for her in this process. Doctors know what they know, but they don’t know everything so keep asking questions to rule things out.
Second, often this is an anxiety based issue as well. When you attempt intercourse I am assuming she is warmed up and lubricated well – if not spend more time and use a good lube. Go slowly and look into each other’s eyes. Breathe and let her guide or tell you what to do. Keep in mind, working through this process (as you both now have experienced) is more like a procedure than romantic. Embrace that so you can each at least acknowledge that there are parts of this that absolutely are not hot and sexy.
If her mind simply won’t relax enough to make progress with each attempt at intercourse or with dilators then you may both benefit from talking through the mental aspects of this with a professional. Sex is not as natural and smooth as the world wants us to believe and as we romanticized about going into the relationship. But working through difficult things together is actually a great path towards deeper intimacy with each other.
For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/pain-during-intercourse/
Question: I love my wife so incredibly much and she is a gorgeous woman, but during sex I struggle so much with thinking of previous partners. I try so hard to think of her and get the thoughts out of my head but it feels like they just appear. We waited until we were married but I had slept with two girlfriends before I was a Christian. When we’re done I just lay there and feel so dirty but they just pop into my head. How can I fully focus on my wife and get these other women out?
Dr Allan’s Reply: Our thought life is a weird world. Things will inevitably pop in and out, even at the most inopportune moments. The fact that your past pops into your head is something you can do little about unfortunately. That would be like me telling you that as you’re reading this, don’t think about a pink elephant. You didn’t think about one, did you? 🙂
Instead, focus more on what you do with the thought. Do you find yourself lingering with these thoughts or can you simply acknowledge them in your mind, bring yourself back to the moment with your wife, and reconnect with her and yourself there. It will help if you open your eyes and look at your wife. Soak in her eyes, shape, body, and presence. Breathe in and out and connect.
To me this is the idea Scripture refers to with taking a thought captive. Steering our thoughts towards something better or healthier is a more useful process. Our thoughts come and go, actions are chosen. It may take a couple of times to get better at this… oh man… that means more sex with your wife possibly 😉
Question: Please keep this anonymous- I’ve found that I enjoy a little pain during sex. Nothing crazy but just things like her nails digging in a little, light nibbling and hair pulling. Every time she does this she instantly feels bad and apologizes which pulls us both out of the moment. She told me recently that when she does it she feels wrong and it’s an instant turn off for her. I never want to pressure her to do anything she doesn’t want to do but will we be stuck in this constant cycle?
Dr Allan’s Reply: For some people there is a distinct connection between pain and pleasure. We all have areas of this in our life, but when these show up sexually we can either feel crazy or perverted. Don’t worry, we all are actually a little crazy and perverted.
Assuming you’ve talked about this with your wife since she feels wrong or turned off, one step is to keep talking about it with her. We all grow when we challenge ourselves to confront the things that make us feel uncomfortable. She may never reach the point of it not feeling wrong, but you can keep talking about it and the meanings you both associate with the acts.
A better question for you is what meanings do you associate with pain? Are there some acts (nails on your back) that are more comfortable with her and still add a little jolt of pleasure for you?
Every couple grows at different rates in what you will or won’t do. It’s part of the process. Explore if there are some other aspects of sex that you will both enjoy participating in together.