Over the Valentine’s Day weekend I continued the collaboration with @christianswhocursesometimes – but this time it was a three day Q&A. Each day was a different focus … day one, singles, dating and engaged – day two, men – day three, women.
Also, if you’re on Instagram be sure to follow @sexymarriageradio
Here are the questions asked by singles, dating and engaged people, along with my replies….
Question: My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about marriage recently but the closer we get to that the more nervous I am about sex. We’re both virgins but he was addicted to porn for several years before becoming a Christian. I on the other hand don’t even watch sex scenes in movies. I’m really scared about how his experience with porn will affect his expectations/what kind of sex he wants. I know we’re not the only couple who has been in this situation so advice would be very appreciated!!
Dr Allan’s Reply: Being nervous about sex is common for almost everyone, especially when it’s an unknown experience for one or both of you. There is no way to discover the pleasure, intensity, sacredness and the depth of sex without experiencing it first-hand. Every couple has to navigate how sex unfolds and happens for each of them and their relationship. So how you do sex is exquisitely and uniquely up to you – and him were he to be so lucky to marry you.
If he has been exposed to porn, it may influence how he is approaching the act itself – but the act of sex in marriage is a process of discovery and learning and teaching all the way through. We all bring to it some idealized or skewed expectations and hopes, but sex is such a wonderful way to learn about yourself, and each other.
Just read through Song of Solomon, you’ll see the idea of drinking wine from your lovers navel, or breasts being referred to as two fawns grazing among the lilies, a man’s genitalia as sweet fruit and bags of myrrh, a woman’s as a garden of pomegranates that should be eaten, and lips and mouths that are milk and honey … all these are great lines of poetry but they can still be a mystery. It all comes down to the meanings you place on things – and the willingness to grow beyond the simple act of intercourse itself and into an area of tasting the power of intimacy itself – a true knowing and being known with each other.
This is what makes married sex such a great aspect of the relationship. It’s an endless adventure of discovery and growth, for both of you. Talk with him about your fears and concerns – and talk about your hopes and desires. And while you’re at it, bring along some sweet fruits or pomegranates. 🙂
Question: What do we do if we’re not married? As a horny virgin in their mid 20s who is choosing to wait, I often feel like I have no clue what to do and don’t have any outlets. Sometimes it’s feeling the need for sex, others it’s just the loneliness of lying alone in bed at night, but it’s a very trapped feeling either way. By God’s grace I was able to kick porn a while ago and it hasn’t had the temptation it used to, but being surrounded by hook-up culture and working with a lot of promiscuous people (who are often vocal about it), amplifies that deep need for human intimacy. I feel so much pressure building as each day the longing for intimacy gets just a little bigger. How do you deal with the need for sex when it’s not available or not an option?
Dr Allan’s Reply: One of the biggest things I see is the tendency we have as people to attempt to squash desire – usually in the name of sanctification. The trouble with our desires (also can be our emotions) is they will find a way out somehow. When you are young and full of hormones it can be real troublesome to feel there is no way to express your sexual desires or impulses.
It is usually best to look at both ends of this equation: are there things fueling the desires more than just hormones? And how else can sexual desires be expressed or released that are in line with your values and character?
Very often we humans have a tendency to sexualize things that are not sexual. Look for the areas in your life where you have possibly sought to replace a feeling or experience by sexualizing it – things like boredom, stress, anxiety, and the like. If so, focus on the real emotion or feeling and deal with it directly.
You also hinted at this idea in your question. There’s a sexual longing in us, and there’s also a loneliness in us – these are not the same thing. When you’re lonely (so was Adam by the way, hence the creation of Eve) reach out to some friends, family or community and do some activities you enjoy together.
When you are a raging ball of hormones try seeing if working up a sweat by exercising or playing a sport etc, will take the edge off. The body has a natural way to help relieve the built up biological pressures via wet/orgasmic dreams. I also believe you can handle this yourself at times as well. The issue to me with masturbation is more about what surrounds it (porn, lustful fantasies, etc) than the act itself.
Question: We’re getting married this summer. My fiancé has had sex before and I’m still a virgin. I can tell what he likes and knows what he wants sexually and he’s told me some of what he likes. What if I’m not ready to do what he wants. How do I still please him even if I’m uncomfortable with what he wants?
Dr Allan’s Reply: Each of us will be confronted with things someone wants from us that we may not want. It’s what comes along with living in committed relationships. Perhaps your soon-to-be-husband has experienced sex before and has at least a little more of an idea what he likes and wants – but he hasn’t experienced it with you yet.
I believe each of us will seek what we want in life and sex – we are then presented with will we be respectful and collaborative in our handling if we get it or not. Your thought of how do I please him is a double-edged one in my book. Yes, you can be (and likely will be) pleasing to your spouse sexually and otherwise – but what about your pleasures? What about what you want? You are an equal partner in this equation!
Perhaps you don’t know yet what you don’t know when it comes to sex, so what. Neither does he because he hasn’t experienced this with you. Far too often couples put too much emphasis on the act of sex itself – and what they miss by focusing too much on their wants, desires, and pleasures is tasting the sweetness of each other.
Question: I can’t believe I’m asking this but does size actually matter when it comes to sex? As a single guy who feels like he’s definitely below average down there l get so stressed that my future wife will be disappointed in me, and I’ve avoided conversations with past girlfriends but know that’s not the right thing to do either. I’ve read things like “it’s not the size it’s what you do with it” but it’s hard to not feel like I’m going to let my future wife down.
Dr Allan’s Reply: I’m curious where the “I’m below average” feeling comes from for you. My guess is you may not have studied architecture … what you would have discovered is when we look at our own penis it is almost always looking down at it from above, and everything looks smaller when looking at it from above.
We humans come in all shapes and sizes – and a penis is no exception. Many male penises vary in sizes while flaccid, but a majority of the very same penises are around the same size when erect (give or take a bit).
Keep this in mind though, the most reliable route for orgasm for a woman must involve the clitoris – which can be stimulated most using your fingers or tongue or toy, and yes a penis, but not during penetrative sex.
Give yourself a break and recognize that yes, size may not matter because it’s what you do with it — but what matters most is who that penis is attached to!! A future wife will be in relationship with all of you not just your penis! Bring all of you to the marriage and you’ll likely be just fine.
Question: My girlfriend is afraid of…. penetration. We are waiting until marriage but I feel as if she will be afraid on our wedding night and I want to all I can to help her overcome her fears of consummation. I love her and want to do all I can to accommodate her and we’ve even talked about seeing a therapist if needed. Idk though, this is so outside of my area of expertise I would love the guys thoughts!
Dr Allan’s Reply: It’s not uncommon for some women to be afraid of penetrative sex. After all, something is entering her body. A lot of the time this is more of a mental issue than physical, one of the easiest ways to tell the difference – does she have any issue inserting a tampon?
For the mental side of the experience there are a couple of things you can do. Talk and enjoy the time with each other. Spend some time relaxing with each other after the stressful day of your wedding (many couples don’t have sex on the wedding night actually, it happens the next day). Take it slow.
For the physical side of this, the vagina is an exquisitely flexible organ, do things that you enjoy with each other, music, slow dance, etc to warm things up and get the blood flowing to the genitals. Women in general need a lot more foreplay and build up than men. Take it slow. Kiss. Talk. Listen to each other. Talk. Kiss. Take it slow. You get the idea.
And know that lube is your friend here. I’ve worked with several couples that needed lube for the first year together until her natural lubrication began working enough to create an enjoyable environment for the both of them.
You’ve got your life together and it is just beginning – there’s plenty of time to consummate the marriage.
For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/wedding-night/
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