Recently I was approached about possibly collaborating with someone on Instagram to help address the topic of sex with their followers. While SMR actually does have a profile on Instagram (@sexymarriageradio) – I would still be considered a novice (ok, virgin) – so I quickly got up to speed with the platform, under the expert tutelage of my 15 year old daughter.
Over the past couple of weeks we have hosted an ask anything day on @christianswhocursesometimes — and I must say, it’s been great to interact and answer the questions asked from their followers.
Here are the questions asked during the first round, along with my replies….
Question: Although I 100% agree with practicing purity, Purity Culture has proven to be toxic. I am so afraid that any position other than missionary is for some reason sinful. And when my husband wants to do something different I can’t enjoy it and it ends up being painful for me. My husband is super patient and will stop as soon as I say. It’s not him. It’s this mental block. How can I get past this? Sex shouldn’t be painful, right? It’s not fair to either of us!
Dr Allan’s Reply: First, there’s a difference between whether or not a position is sinful or painful. While these could play off each other (meaning feeling anxious or guilty can create pain physically) they are ultimately different. If a position is painful, you are correct, no part of sex should be painful. To address any pain you need to speak up – then explore what could be the source of the pain — lubrication, arousal levels, angle of penetration, etc. Painful sex produces more trauma in your body and brain. For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/pain-during-intercourse/
Second, explore the source of the sinful label. Most often this is because the subject has been approached with silence or ignorance (not on your part but on the movement or source of the message). Best first step is to talk about the feelings or experiences with your spouse. Listen to each other’s perspective without judgment. Then try out a position while making out with clothes still on (i.e. you on top, in his lap). When clothes come off practice breathing and soothing yourself. Look into each others eyes more, breathe together, and embrace a little bit of anxiety as you try out a position for a couple of seconds or minutes. If it’s too anxiety provoking, relax and go back to a comfortable position – but don’t forget to congratulate yourselves on stretching the comfort zone a little in the experience. For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/feel-guilt-and-shame/
Question: My husband doesn’t last. It really bothers him but it doesn’t bother me. We have lots of foreplay but I know he feels inadequate.
He doesn’t want to google how to help his problem (bless him 🤦🏼♀️)
Reply: This is a tough one as the issue, ultimately, is his. You can be supportive but if he wants to address it, he has to be the one to do so. Some ideas to try as a couple: how much physical stimulation on him happens in foreplay? Experiment by changing that up a little. What if your sexual encounters have multiple orgasms for him, and you? Have him cum first, then more foreplay or sexual intercourse/play.
There is a product out there that can help without side effects to you –
Question: I have been faking my orgasms throughout our entire relationship and my husband is unaware of this
I however still feel as though my needs are still met and still of course enjoy it, however every now and then it can be frustrating.
Is it unwise to keep this from my husband? Or should I speak to him about it, even if that means a shot to his pride and some possible trust being broken. This has to be a problem for so many women I just don’t know if it is always brought up!! Thanks
Dr Allan’s Reply: To me, the fact that you recognize you are hiding something from your husband in your intimate life says perhaps it would be better to tell him. After all, if he thinks he’s providing you a lot of pleasure when he actually isn’t you both are missing out on what the experiences can become.
Could your telling him create hurt and broken trust? Yes. But it also seems to be creating some hurt and broken trust in you as well. We can not be intimate with someone else without there also being some risk of hurt and pain. Your wants and likes will not always be in line with theirs, and sometimes can be counter to each other. If your goal is a more intimate marriage with your husband then withholding being fully known by him is a roadblock to this goal.
Couple of questions for yourself – do you/can you regularly achieve orgasms? Or is it a struggle or hasn’t happened yet? If you do achieve orgasms occasionally then what’s behind the choice to fake it? If you don’t experience orgasms, then it could be better to explore the roadblocks and struggles surrounding this for you. And with him.
For a little more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/sensate-focus/
Question: Anal sex. Sinful? I’ve heard some people say it’s anti-christian and a gross practice and goes against biblical teachings (there was a huge argument at a bachelorette party I went to that was mainly Christian women) but when I’ve tried to find anything within biblical teachings about it, I can’t find anything.
Dr Allan’s Reply: This is one of the more controversial topics in the sexual world, especially among Christians. In my reading of Scripture no where is anal sex condemned. Instead this is referred to more as a sin by association (Gen 19:5, Leviticus 20:13 to name a few). Whether it’s a gross act is determined by the 2 people involved.
If both spouses are interested in the act then there are several things to be aware of. Communication all throughout is key. Lube, lube, lube – as an anus does not produce natural lubrication – and is far more delicate tissue than the vagina. Finally, relax and enjoy. If there is pain, stop completely.
For more – https://smrnation.com/podcast/anal-sex/