Nice Guys are everywhere although they can sometimes be tough to spot because they’re chameleons. They blend into the group they’re around in order to fit in and be liked.
I know you’ve seen them (or you’re one of them).
Here’s how you can spot a Nice Guy. He’s standing among a group of “outdoors people” who are discussing their recent purchases for an upcoming backpacking trip. The Nice Guy often won’t just listen to the conversation, he’ll engage in the one-up type conversation. He feels that in order to be liked, he must contribute to the discussion and act as if he is an outdoors man as well – even though his idea of “roughing it” is a hotel without OJ on the room service menu.
At the core, Nice Guys fear they won’t be liked just as they are.
They must drive the right car, dress the right way, have the right job, etc. But this fear is not just limited to Nice Guys. Nice Girls suffer from this as well (actually, let’s lump them all together and call them Nice People).
Thus far our discussion has focused primarily on the Nice Guy. Let me be clear, growing up beyond the Nice Guy is the same thing as growing up into a full blown adult. Gender doesn’t matter, growth is the point.
In this post I want to discuss another aspect of the Nice People syndrome … sex.
If there is one area where being Nice shows up as a detriment in the long run, it’s your sex life.
Take everything we’ve discussed thus far about Nice Guys: their sacrifice of self, their constant seeking of approval, their avoidance of conflict, their indirectness, their Mr. Fix It tendencies, their trouble expressing themselves, their fear of emotions, their unwillingness to receive and their loss of masculinity – place it all in a big container, shake it up, then look inside and you’ll get a good idea of how Nice Guys do sex.
And if there’s one area where Nice Guys struggle most – it’s sex. He constantly complains he’s not getting enough, or it’s unsatisfying, or he has a sexual dysfunction or he is sexually compulsive.
Nice Girls struggle with sex as well. She struggles with the way she views herself; often seeing herself as a sexual object rather than a sexual being. She is also unsure about her own sexuality and having her own desires and needs met. Nice Girls would rather please others than seek her own pleasure.
Sex with a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl will grow real boring real fast.
It’s easy to understand how this happens. When a Nice Guy discovers what works once, he will often try to repeat it every time in order to avoid disappointing his wife – plus he wants to think of himself as a good lover. Going on at the same time, the Nice Girl will feel obligated to “take care” of her husband because that’s what a wife is supposed to do, forgetting about her own desires and wishes.
Coupled with this is the fact that sex falls victim to routine as well. You and your spouse likely have 1 or 2 different routines or positions to choose from, and once the encounter starts you each are expected to follow the script (I’m not including vacation sex in this mix, although it may still follow a script, just more loosely). Even the way sex is initiated can become routine.
What happened to the adventure, passion, eroticism, and excitement?
It goes away because you’re Nice People!
Look at it this way, most Nice Guys are timid even bringing up the idea of sex. They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wife without bringing it up, or they go throughout their day trying not to upset their wife out of fear she won’t want to have sex later, or if they do bring it up it’s in the form of a question – You wanna have sex tonight? Are we having sex tonight, please?
Nice Girls struggle with their sexuality and desires because they grew up being taught “good girls” don’t do that kind of stuff, or if they’re sexual beings they’re sluts.
So if you have one or both people entering timidly, nervously, hesitantly into the world of sex, it’s no wonder that sex can be boring and routine. It’s sex according to the lowest common denominator.
Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all kinds of spiritual and emotional energy. And when Nice People enter into this world, they try to keep things at a tolerable level – hence the do what worked last time type of sex.
My question then is this: What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up?
I don’t know about you – but that’s what I’m on a journey to find out!
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