Top iTunes Marriage Podcast

8.3+ Million Downloads

hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Are We All Liars? #487

On the Regular version of today’s show …

A husband who has struggled with his weight all his life emails to tell us about how his wife has told him she is not attracted to him physically and he’s afraid his marriage may wind up sexless.

A wife emails her surprise to hear how often other married couples have sex because in her marriage  it only happens a handful of times per year. 

On the Xtended version …

Why do we lie? Are we all liars? And how do you address the lies your spouse may tell or have told throughout your marriage?

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://smrnation.com/union

Got a question?

CALL US 214-702-9565
or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage, Radio, smrnation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, where each and every week, alongside my wife, Pam-

Pam Allan: I love being here with you.

Corey Allan: We get to have conversations with the SMR nation, where they email us, they call in, they ask their questions, they set the course for where we want to go, then we go.

Pam Allan: We do. It's a journey.

Corey Allan: Because what we want to do is try to help make marriage all that it can be for you. We want married sex to be just the same, all that it can be for you because we believe it's sacred and it's blessed and it can just get better and better. The more and more we get better and better. That's kind of the whole point of it. Isn't it?

Pam Allan: It is.

Corey Allan: So the way you can ask your questions if you've got something it's (214)702-9565 or email at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, where every email is read some are replied to directly. They help us know where we're heading each and every week because this is listener driven radio. We also ask you to help us spread the word. Jump on iTunes, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Google Play. Rate and review, leave a comment, help us spread the word that married sex is the hotbed for sex. So if you've not left a comment, please do, because that helps let other people know just what's going on here in SMR land. And on that note, Pam, there's some cool things that have just happened with Sexy Marriage Radio.

Pam Allan: Such as?

Corey Allan: We have a new resource and a new tool that just rolled out called the state of our union-

Pam Allan: I love this idea.

Corey Allan: ...where we did an episode a while back on the yearly conversation that we would have on our anniversary about-

Pam Allan: Would have, do have-

Corey Allan: ...the truth. Thank you for catching that one. That would be, where were we? Where are we? Where are we going? And it's kind of the state of us. It's also the state of myself and the state of view, and what's my target and my goal and what am I working on and where do I still need to grow? So we started flushing that out more and what's happened now is we have a new resource and it's a tool called the state of our union, where if you want to go to smrnation.com/union, that'll take you straight to the page and what it is is you sign up, give us the information of your phone number and your spouse's phone number. And then when you want the message sent to each of you during the week, at the time in the week, you set the time and the whole point is you will get 52 texts that are prompts to start a conversation, that are weekly touch points about what's going on in your relationship and where you are.
And so on a weekly basis, you get five questions. And then on a monthly basis within that rhythm, there's a couple of additional questions. And then on a quarterly basis, or every three months, you get an entirely different set of questions, which are more gauged towards where were we? Where are we? Where are we going? And the whole point is over the course of a year, you'll have regular reminders and regular prompts to have a conversation about where are you and what's going on. And it'll just walk you through the whole thing

Pam Allan: Helps you dive a little bit deeper and be more intentional. I think it's really easy to just go through each week, each month and do the day to day.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: And maybe I think probably as all of our listeners are already being intentional somehow by listening to the podcast, I'm assuming a lot of them probably have other podcasts they listen to, and you're being intentional on that. But even then we might just be listening to it ourselves and not even having discussions.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: So I think it helps drive some intentionality into your relationship together.

Corey Allan: Yep, because I have a firm belief that a great marriage doesn't happen by accident and deeper connections don't happen by accident. We don't just stumble upon these things. And so this is a resource that's aimed to help, not only reminds you, because you and your spouse at the same time, get the same text, which is the trigger of, "Hey, we need to have this conversation." And then the next week, same thing. And so the whole point is you pick the time that works best for you in your marriage and will help kind of keep triggering all the way through little reminders and walk you through here's how you can have the best conversation. To focus on what's important, not just the immediate. So that's smrnation.com/union. And it's $27 for a year's worth of text messages and question prompts.

Pam Allan: I love that.

Corey Allan: Coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple of your questions and our answers. I love the theme that we're going to have today because they all will help kind of set up where we're going in the extended version of sexy marriage radio, which is deeper longer and there are no ads. You can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy. We're going to do a conversation and an exploration into the whole idea of why do we lie?

Pam Allan: Oh, so we're making an assumption that we all lie?

Corey Allan: Oh, that's coming up on today's show. So here's an email that we just got Pam that says, "I love the show. I'm a recent listener. I've been catching up on all the older shows recently, too. They're all great and I think that the ones with Pam as your co-host are the best." I agree.

Pam Allan: Oh, thanks.

Corey Allan: "I love the real couple dynamic. From your episodes I've learned that I'm a nice guy and I'm working on changing that. I have a question about trust and attraction in my marriage. My weight has always been a struggle for me, even before we got married. My wife always wanted me to get in shape for years. I promised her that I would, but it's never really happened. I've definitely tried over the years, but I've never made much progress and always put the weight back on and then some. After a decade of marriage and three kids later, this has resulted in me being over double the weight I should be."
"Ever since we finished trying to conceive our children, my wife has stopped initiating sex altogether. And that's not saying much since we never really had an amazing sex life ever. It's always been functional, rarely passionate. My wife has told me that she's having a harder time getting in the mood for sex because of my body. Most of her favorite positions are either very difficult or impossible due to my size. Just looking at me, turns her off. When we do have sex, she always asks that it be in the dark. I want to change this, but every time I try, I fail. I feel like this is going to lead to a completely sexless marriage in the near future. What can I do? Also I know she's lost trust in me since I've said for years, I'm going to lose the weight, but never do. What can I do to stop my marriage from becoming truly sexless and help my wife become more attracted to me again? Thanks."

Pam Allan: I think he's already answered his own question.

Corey Allan: Yeah. I think he's dancing around. He knows the answer, but it's a difficult one.

Pam Allan: It is.

Corey Allan: And the answer is, if you're going to commit to get in shape and live healthier and lose the weight, then do what it takes to do that.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because again, a lot of times when we're talking about our health, because this is one of those things that I came across this the other day, too, Pam, where a blogger that I used to have a lot of collaboration with years and years and years ago, I still kind of follow her from the side and just read some of the things that come through. And she talked about one of the things she did in 2019 was she took away the bathroom scale. She stopped being obsessive about what do I weigh?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And instead she went, how do I feel about myself and how I look at myself?

Pam Allan: Right? That's huge.

Corey Allan: Because there's a component of, is there a magic number or is there more of how am I viewing me? Because he's describing an issue of, he sees it's an issue. His wife has said it's an issue but yet it persists. And so there's likely something deeper going on. This is a psychological component. This is a emotional something, a medication of something. There's a lot of reality that people face that they medicate by eating. And so just to go on a diet and not deal with the psychological, you're selling yourself short.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And I'm curious if that's really what this is because he talks about he'll lose it only to then gain it back and then some which that's a pretty common occurrence and so this is more, how do you start to go down a healthier lifestyle knowing my weight will follow that path but at the same time, the other option is because at the end of his question, how do I keep this from becoming a sexless marriage because I'm afraid it's going to? I mean she's pretty clear on where she stands, right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So in a lot of ways, the pressure is on his shoulders to address himself. And how does he care for himself? What does he do about that? Or the alternative is, because this is the other side of this coin, grow to a point in your own psyche of, "I am good with me." And bring that to her and say, "You know what, baby, I know that you don't like this, but this is what this is, I'm not doing anything about it." Because he's talking about, he buys her off with his phrases, but he doesn't follow through. So she's lost trust in him.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And that destroys many marriages, not just in the weight arena.

Pam Allan: It does. But even confidence in yourself does not mean that she's going to end up liking that.

Corey Allan: No. It may not be a turn on but at least it's honest. Like it sounds like she's trying to be.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That look, I got a problem with your weight, right? This is what we talked about last week too with, it wasn't about weight, but it was about performance anxiety. And so it's a gridlock issue of having to face. If you follow the train all the way through where this inevitably may end up, there are really tough choices to be made. So what is it that gets you to the deeper level to where you start to recognize the critical mass decision that needs to be made? The leap of faith decision that needs to be made because that's where you then start with baby steps and it's not about a fad diet to try to lose it quick. It's more of a lifestyle shift.

Pam Allan: Total lifestyle.

Corey Allan: It's a change of what you eat. It's a change of how active you are. It's a change of how you view about yourself. I mean, we used to have a sponsor Noom that does a whole lot with the psychology, the cognitive behavioral approach that goes alongside. I like that idea, right? Because it's helping you get a new relationship with food.

Pam Allan: Right?

Corey Allan: And so this is like a whole different, whole same concept of how do you have a new relationship with your spouse in the context of how you have a new relationship with yourself? Because you're really faced with, the way he's describing it, he knows his next step. Question is dude, are you willing to take it? So another email that came in that says, "Hey, there, I'm new to the podcast and listening to this episode, I was shocked to hear how many times people have sex in their marriage." And this is, she's referencing one where I think the conversation was there having it pretty regularly. Right? I don't know. I don't remember exactly the correlation, but just to try to fill in that gap as I'm reading it.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: My husband and I have sex maybe a handful of times a year. I'm not kidding. We just had our four-year anniversary. I don't feel attracted to my husband in that manner. I used to, but something he said to me before we got married turned me off, if that makes sense. He also said that we don't have a physical relationship. Ours is more emotional. I don't know. I feel like we're just roommates to be honest. I'd be curious to hear if anyone else feels like this. Thanks."

Pam Allan: That's interesting that he's specifically calling out. It sounds like a proclamation of no, we have an emotional relationship, not a physical relationship. To say here's the state of our union-

Corey Allan: Right. Yeah. We exist in the emotional component only. That's where we reside.

Pam Allan: Yeah. And I'm trying to understand the rationale for that.

Corey Allan: I'm going to chase a couple of different trails in this one. And so I might need your help, Pam, on either filling in with what you hear to help see if it makes sense or that's enough of that trail, let's move to another one.

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: Okay. Okay. Which, I've been married to you for a long time, I know we can do this for each other. So the big thing that jumps out to me is this idea. It's something he told me before we got married that turned me off. That, what? Because I can totally understand how that happens, right? That it's where something is dropped and information is shared and it is a gut punch to the spouse.

Pam Allan: Right. It's a life changer on how you look at them or how you believe that they look at you.

Corey Allan: Right. Yeah. Right. And so it's, I would want to know what that was. So like, if this was a couple in my office, that would be a straight out, "Okay. What did you say?" Yeah. Right. Because that's incredibly important data because all I can do without that is just start to fill in what are my hypotheses of what was said, right? And one of them is the possibility of just promiscuity beforehand, right? Or sexual energy leaking everywhere with pornography or acting out or I mean, there's all kinds of different behaviors.

Pam Allan: I'm thinking same sex.

Corey Allan: And that's the other one too, that comes to my mind is I struggle with same sex attraction. Because even if you just share that, whether you act on it or not, that changes the dynamic for a woman. That's a huge hit.

Pam Allan: For both either way. I don't think you have to specify that one.

Corey Allan: Fair enough. But I'm going off of the way the email on how something like that completely changed the way she looked at him. And so I'm just curious, what is that? Because then she's talking about, where her dilemma now becomes is I'm guessing she's wanting a physical relationship because she's shocked that they don't have as much physical contact as they do.

Pam Allan: Right. I get the impression that she would want that and doesn't want to just be roommates.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So then my question start to become, when you do have sex the handful of times, how does that happen?

Pam Allan: Yeah. Is it enjoyable? Who initiates it?

Corey Allan: What starts that? Who makes that happen?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because that's good information to understand. And these are things I think every couple can benefit from just looking at. Sex doesn't happen by accident in relationships. It's for sure marriage.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So when we do have sex, how does it start? How does it happen? And then who plays what role throughout? And is it enjoyable? Is it just functional or is it just kind of perfunctory just getting it done because we just want to check it off the list and it's not even enjoyable for either one of you? Because there can be all across the range of what's going on because we're just trying to do this all in name only. I'm trying to read your face.

Pam Allan: I'm trying to understand that too. I mean I go into marriage making an assumption that that's just what's going to happen. So there's so many unknowns on this email that make it ask all these other questions. I'm like, I want to get her on a call to ask all these questions.

Corey Allan: We'll be able to get that extra data to know what are the answers to these questions? Because here's what I want to springboard though.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because what she's framing is she just sees husband in a platonic way because of whatever happened before they got married, whatever was said. So that changed the whole dynamic. So then it becomes this rock and the hard place of do I want a sexual relationship in my marriage or not? Because there can be satisfactory relationships among two people where sex is not a part of the equation because whatever else it is that's going on in their marriage is worth it and enough for them. And if people can consciously make that choice, who am I? Who am I, or who are we to say, well, you should be having sex.

Pam Allan: Well, perfectly valid. I didn't get the impression that it was her that didn't want it. With him saying, well, our relationship is just emotional I get the impression, it's him not driving it. He doesn't want it.

Corey Allan: He's the lower in desire and she is the higher in desire and so in essence, then the dilemma becomes for her, if she wants to move this beyond roommates and into something that's more than just a handful of times a year, it's likely on her shoulders to make that happen, which then she's now having to come face to face with, I'm not attracted to this guy because of whatever it was.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so I would then pivot the conversation to then have her start to examine. If he comes back at well, we don't have a physical relationship. Ours is more emotional. There's your springboard. If he says we have more of an emotional relationship, one of the things she could do is then just meet him with her emotion, the rawness of it, the reality of it, the realness of it. Say, "You know what, here's where I am in this relationship. Here's the dilemma I've got in this relationship." And then when you also couple that with a legitimate, I don't know what I want to do with this yet-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: ...you at least clear the army. We're big proponents of this throughout the whole course of Sexy Marriage Radio of honesty is the path forward.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And sometimes honesty is incredibly uncomfortable and incredibly painful and you have to, it's going to drudge up some different things from your relationship.

Pam Allan: Anxiety field.

Corey Allan: And you get all of these other past things that can just come back but the whole point of it is you hopefully start to recognize, when you really do make this move towards, this is me moving into my life in the context of my marriage by owning me more and being able to say, "Okay, I struggle because I'm not attracted to you either when it comes to the physical component. It seems like we do have sex and it's just a moderate amount of times." And if she's in the camp of, I really want more than that, then own that, claim it to at least have it out there in the open.

Pam Allan: Absolutely.

Corey Allan: If she doesn't want that, own that, claim that because maybe he's okay with that it sounds like because, okay, well then we just are roommates and we just do life well together other than we're not lovers.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And at least then it's clear and it's out in the open, but you have to recognize that when I make these kinds of moves, which NARST refers to these as the leap of faith, which is basically saying, I'm starting to claim myself better and it could cost me my relationship. In reality, it will cost the relationship I've got currently. It's just a question of do we want to create something that's more in line with what I do want together?

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can be with the same person and turn it into a totally different relationship. That's what you are referring to.

Corey Allan: I've got a guy in one of my mastermind groups that says, he put this in the discussion saying he shared with his wife a couple of months back, "I'm going to have a fantastic sexual relationship or an awesome sexual relationship with my wife in my marriage." It will be awesome if you're the wife.

Pam Allan: Oh, that's strong.

Corey Allan: Yeah. Because I would love it with you as the wife. I mean, it's just-

Pam Allan: That's a little bit of it. Okay.

Corey Allan: I mean, he's just claiming a boldness of this is where I'm at.

Pam Allan: I'm not sure how I would have taken that terminology, but go for it, make it strong with your wife, man. Make it strong.

Corey Allan: But that's the whole point of, because if I don't look at it through the lens of, I am free to choose what I want to choose and be willing to take the consequences for my choice. I am then beholden to someone else if I won't look at it through that lens, because then immediately my spouse holds all the cards.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And I'm just trying to figure out how do I navigate around whatever was said, whatever the past is, rather than no, I'm going to do my work and I'm going to deal with this and I'm going to confront it. And usually that means I'm going to have some help along the way. So get yourself with a good therapist, get on a call with me and we're going to work through this, but I know full well, I may not end up with what I've got right now as far as our relationship, but hopefully the point would be it's even better.

Pam Allan: Right. It didn't sound like what you've got right now is what you're wanting.

Corey Allan: Exactly. And that's the honesty component of this. That's the idea of being able to be completely clear about here's where I am, because I think, tell me if you hear this the way I'm thinking this. A lot of times I think we're reluctant to tell someone where we are when it comes to some of these bigger issues, because I haven't really thought it all the way through yet. Right. I don't have soup to nuts if you will. I don't have, I want this and this and this.

Pam Allan: Well, you're speaking my language right now because that's how I am, right? I let something build up. I don't want to say it because I know when I react and just blablabla and it all comes out and it may not sound fabulous and it can ignite you and I don't know how that's going to go.

Corey Allan: Right. But the point would be, we have to get past the idea of, I won't have this all the way thought out because I don't have every permutation possible thought out. But I can have a clearer picture of here's where I am right now.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Here's how this hits me now and this is the concept we've been on for the last year or so. This is how what's going on is impacting me and that's what I'm addressing because that's the same thing as being able to say, "Look, the way that just unfolded, I'm not going to be part of that anymore." And then it's going to be met with, "Whoa, are you just going to leave?" It's like, I don't know. I don't know if that's what that means, but I am saying right now, I'm not a part of that anymore. And that's a different dynamic that you just claim some power and then you put, at the same time, you're leaving this void to see if your partner steps in to claim their power.

Pam Allan: Right? You don't want to be married to a weakling, right? You both want to have your power that you do claim to be strong together and be compassionate with each other as well.

Corey Allan: Right. Right. And so this is, this is the whole concept of just being able to be honest about, I feel like we're just roommates and if she's okay with that, bring that to bear. And if you're not let that be known too, because that's the step forward.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Knowing it's clean pain I'm after. So it's not always clean as far and not always easy. That's the easier way, that's the better way to say, but when I can deal with it head on, it becomes clean and that's the stuff that heals. Everything else just festers and keeps coming back up. I love the fact that we can do like a 20-25 minute extended content and solve the whole concept of lying in the world, right?

Pam Allan: We got it covered. So you're welcome.

Corey Allan: No, it's so funny to me to think about how just the sophistication our brains can go and all the different aspects that we get caught in life, right? Where we get information that happens in marriage that it's like, Hey, I'm going to take care of that and I never do and then it wreaks havoc and I have to face the consequences. I thought sex was going to happen more. Well, it doesn't and it's just all of these kinds of things. But I got to just start to constantly keep coming back to, what's my role in this? How am I possibly doing the very thing that drives me crazy about my spouse? Because when I can get that in check, I give myself a whole lot more clean pressure I can bring to my life and my marriage, which I think that's what we all want to do.

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone (214)702-9565 or at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. We'll see you next time.

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