Come join the conversations in the SMRNation Community at my.smrnation.com
Join me at the Married Sex Conference – early bird registration is open now, https://smrnation.com/marriedsex
Everyone gets the full show today! …
A follow up from an email on last week’s show.
A newlywed asks for tips to help prepare or avoid the issues that he hears other couples inevitably face in marriage.
A woman is experiencing some self-image issues and marital strife resulting from a botched breast reduction procedure.
Could it be that women are more sexual than men?
A couple both experience orgasms during sex regularly, yet the issue for the husband is how his wife achieves them.
Enjoy the show!
The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://smrnation.com/union
Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, smrnation.com.
You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: Well, a little behind the scenes for the SMR Nation, some of the times when we get together to get on the microphone to record our shows, we try to stay really current. So, we're recording usually the week of the show when it airs or within the four or five days of it airing because we try to stay up with the emails and the voicemails that are coming in from the nation, and the conversations and the dialogues that are taking place. Today, right before Pam comes home, we're getting a few things caught up for the day and what's going on in the kids' lives and comings and goings of our household and family and extended family, and etc, and my wife informs me, "You sound like you're losing your voice."
Pam Allan: Yeah. Wondering, okay, does that hurt?
Corey Allan: No, but so apparently I've got my deep radio voice on today.
Pam Allan: Going to play the tunes. You're like the midnight DJ.
Corey Allan: Here we go. So, thank you for taking some time out with us today. Yeah, I can't do that.
Pam Allan: Call in with your requests.
Corey Allan: We'll be here all night long. But anyway, we will be here with your questions or your comments or your topics that you want us to cover. The way we do that is you email us at firstname.lastname@example.org, or you call us at (214) 702-9565. That's where you can leave us a voicemail, let us know what's going on in your world and what we can do that might help steer your conversations a little bit better because that's what we're trying to do with Sexy Marriage Radio, is frame conversations in better ways that help you address what's going on in your marriage.
Pam Allan: That's right.
Corey Allan: What you can do to help us as members of the SMR Nation is you can jump on iTunes, you can rate and review the show. You can leave a comment. You can do the same on Spotify, or iHeartRadio, Google Play, Amazon. There's a bunch of different ways that we're now available, so spread the word, that Sexy Marriage Radio is here to help, and we want to speak to what is going on in your world so that it'll help you the most. One of the things that is going on is, the earliest we've ever done, we've opened up the registration for next year's getaway already.
Pam Allan: That's right.
Corey Allan: 2022s getaway is already available to come join us, and it's going to be in Indianapolis, Indiana. We've already got registrations flying out the door ...
Pam Allan: So fun. It's such a cool city.
Corey Allan: With people. So, come join us on the road for our first time in a new location, a little bit of a new format, more social aspects that'll be available that are optional to come and enjoy and meet other people. But there's also still the main thrust of you get a time to be with your spouse and get some great content, have a lot of fun, and really get away with each other. Well, coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, well, strike that, there's going to be only one version of Sexy Marriage Radio today.
Pam Allan: It's free to everybody today.
Corey Allan: So, everybody gets the whole show.
Pam Allan: Merry Christmas.
Corey Allan: What we're trying to do today is just catch up on some emails that we've had and some voicemails that we've had, that we just need to get through, and really do need to help because they've been pushed down long enough. We've got a lot of your questions and our answers, and we're going to spend the whole time doing it. If you want the full content in the future, which means the full show, as well as the extended content, you would join us at smrnation.com/smracademy, and this way, you could go all the way with us every week.
Pam Allan: That's right.
Corey Allan: Enjoy the show. Last week's episode, we talked about the idea of honor and obey and giving in, in regards to vaccines. And what do you do when one person see something completely different, and we framed it and under the umbrella of the vaccines. Cause that was what the question was about. Well, she emailed a reply to our episode.
Pam Allan: Oh, looking forward to hear that. Okay.
Corey Allan: She's saying, "Hey, thank you so much for replying to my question. You brought up some great points and I appreciate you looking at the situation from multiple angles." As an aside, if you, as the listener, are not sure what angles we're talking about, you're going to have to subscribe to the extended content because that's where it was last week. Back to the email. "I think, as I've spent some time thinking about the situation, I've come to realize that the honor, obey thing is a big deal for my husband. Whenever we're arguing about something, he will often say things like, you never listen, or you never do what I say."
"My husband is a strong eight on the enneagram scale and he likes to be in control. Whenever I bring this up to him, it usually doesn't go well." That's kind of a funny aside, when you bring up the fact that you like to be in control to someone that likes to be in control, that makes the feel out of control, and so it's going to spiral.
Pam Allan: Circular reference. Okay.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. "But I understand why he does not like it, that I call him out for trying to control me. I think this vaccine thing also stems from that. In almost any context, he's used my differing opinions as direct defiance, disobedience, and disrespect to him. So, this is no exception. Even though, that I have no issues with him being unvaccinated, he really does not want me to get vaccinated. The control issue is something I've learned to navigate after three years of marriage to him. I love my husband and he has more great qualities than ones that bother me."
"I know we both have issues that we need to work through, and he's my best friend, but like you mentioned in the podcast, I chose him and there's no one else I'd rather work through life with, so thanks for reminding me of that today. I appreciate all you do."
Pam Allan: Nice. Thanks for that feedback.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. Because I think it's worth noting the dialogue that we can start in couples, but I also love having the chance to start the dialogue with members of the nation.
Pam Allan: Yeah, because they've been going after it on the academy this week.
Corey Allan: Absolutely, and I want people to have the chance to reply back on segments that we do, if we cover your question, when we cover your question, let us know. What did we miss? We weren't joking with, let us know what we missed. We want to carry on the dialogue because more data helps us have better discussions.
Pam Allan: Right.
Speaker 4: Hey Corey, I just discovered your podcast and the SMR Nation from the Christians Who Curse Sometime's Instagram page. I'm a huge fan, and me and my fiance have been binge listening for the past couple months as we prepare for the big day, which is five days away right now. I know that if you make an episode on this question, it'll be after I get married, but perhaps it'd be good for other folks that were in my shoes. I feel like the vast majority of your content is focused on sort of healing the symptoms of some sort of sexual or communication dysfunction, fixing the problems oftentimes caused they're unhealthy sexual situation, or communication styles in the early years of your relationship or from before you met your spouse.
But oftentimes, when I was listening, I was left wondering, okay, if these are the problems that could come down the road, what can I be doing now to set up strong foundations and boundaries and systems to prevent that when I am married? Perhaps you've already recorded an episode more focused on the pre-married folks, single or engaged. If that's the case, could you link it or play it as one of the best of episodes? I feel like with the influx of Instagram and TikTok listeners, there might be a huge group of people that would benefit from some advice and your thoughts on how to engage with them partners before they're married, to make their marriage bed as hot as it can be and the communication as successful as it can be. Thank you so very much for your podcast. Me and my fiance have gotten so much great stuff out of it, and can't wait to hear more. Have a great day. Bye.
Corey Allan: Well, congratulations on the wedding that has passed, whenever that was.
Pam Allan: Yeah. You don't have the date on that, but yeah, congratulations. Hopefully you guys are listening to this, and this is ... Even if you're talking about, the question is, what can newlyweds be doing? You're early enough in your marriage. This is going to apply to you too, right? Lots of stuff that ...
Corey Allan: Absolutely and ...
Pam Allan: Preventative is always good.
Corey Allan: I love the fact that there are newly engaged couples, dating people, single people that listen and find us, and find value out of it because we're talking more relational than just sexual in marriage, because everybody's in relationship and everybody's sexual. We think it's the best when those two are combined as far as in a marriage, but we're all still sexual beings, and so there's actual desires and different things we need to have a better relationship with within our life. What are the best tips and practices that can help prevent what can happen in marriage?
He's on the right path of the idea of, how can I put some boundaries in place to look out for what inevitably could occur? Because I love the idea that nothing prepares you for marriage, but marriage. The reason I love that is because we have no idea what we're really getting into until you're into it.
Pam Allan: Right. Yeah. Saying that I know X, Y, Z event is going to trigger my spouse into jealousy or going to trigger me into divert my eyes elsewhere or my focus or whatever the case may be since I just don't know.
Corey Allan: Or if I can learn this thing ahead of time, we will avoid the inevitable and monotony and routine and rut that's going to happen in sex life, and life together, and doing life as roommates, and all ... Because that stuff no, you really can't prevent it because we evolve as people. I could be better aware of it, to see it as it's inevitable, it's going to happen, it's going to wane. We cannot sustain the high of a wedding, the high of a new relationship, the high of new experiences. We come back down to the level set that we usually are at.
I mean, that's actually been done in the happiness studies that are out there, that we can do something that's euphoric and we return back to around the baseline of where we were before.
Pam Allan: Okay. If I can't prevent, but I know I can draw boundaries in place of that.
Corey Allan: Then it starts to become, as far as the best practices that happen of, how are you going to address what baggages you're not even aware of, or maybe are a little aware of because maybe you've done some premarital counseling. How do you address these things when they do happen? And the best way to do it is you respond better to it. You don't see it as a catastrophe or as everything's gone wrong, or our tendency as people to overreact to things and make them all doom and gloom and dire. Instead, you look at it as, okay, what's a better way? What do I not know? This is the question I love now, that I've kind of landed on.
You and I have talked about this in our relationships lately, of you would bring something up to me, and the way I'm coming across in my response is, okay, I'm not seeing it this way. What do I not know about me? Help me understand how you're experiencing me. Because this is not the intent, and those are deeper level things that I think require more of us, not being reactive, is the way we squash it.
Pam Allan: I think that's key, it's curious, right? What do I not know? Same thing as saying, I'm being curious, and I'm going to ask questions rather react poorly. I think slowing down and asking questions rather than trying to assume a meaning coming from the spouse or anything like that. I think you're hitting the nail on the head on that.
Corey Allan: A lot of it is just recognizing, there's a normalcy that happens in marriage. Everybody faces it to varying degrees, especially the couples that want to go deeper in their marriage, that you're going to hit these roadblocks. You're going to have these times where we're not at our best, at our recover better, at our to respond, how to ask better questions, and then I use that data to propel me forward. This is a lady that's emailing and asking for a question or an advice. Okay, Pam. "I had a botched breast reduction last year. It left me maligned or mangled and not looking good, pretty much like I had breast cancer."
"I was in extensive wound care therapy for nine months and I'm still going through some changes after over a year. Sex was definitely difficult for me and it still is. My husband also said some pretty awful things to me, but I love him and want to move on. But I have realized lately that I don't want to have sex at all and I'm super uncomfortable being naked in front of him. We use toys and such, but even when I find myself, my mind going elsewhere to, half or to halfway enjoying it, it's literally a fight in my mind to stay focused on him."
"I don't want to be with anyone else and I'm not into porn or anything like that, but my mind still goes to things in the past or even massage therapy sessions that I get often because of all the wound care that I've had. Plus, I don't really think he likes to touch me anymore, and he says to go get a massage so that I can relax. I have a male therapist who's absolutely professional and I feel safe with, but I often feel like my husband wants the therapist to do all of his foreplay as in touching me so that it does relax me. How do I get past an issue like this? Thank you. Background. We've been married together, happily together for nearly 28 years. We're also in therapy together, and I start EMDR therapy in mid August."
Which that's a great step, because the EMDR, for those in the nation and from the look at my wife's face, that aren't familiar ...
Pam Allan: Yeah, I was going to ask. I'm not familiar with what that is.
Corey Allan: This is a reprogramming, it's actually eye movement desensitization.
Pam Allan: Oh. Yes, okay.
Corey Allan: It's helping reprogram the brain with traumatic issues, and it's a very effective route to explore if you have trauma in your life that you're still dealing with and wrestling with. It's a good way to help your body make sense of it. That's my rudimentary experience with EMDR because that's not something I'm trained in, but I'm familiar with it. But that's a great step for her to be doing because that's going to help her with how she views herself, how the sensations are, how she calms herself down. There's a lot of different things that can come from that.
Pam Allan: Sure.
Corey Allan: But she's talking about a pretty traumatic experience that has impacted, not only her and herself view, but our relationship and her perception of her husband's view of her. Because we can't go fully, in my mind, from, we don't know what his view really is, but we know her perception of his view.
Pam Allan: Right. And so her perception is driving this mental force, and then she's also got the physical force that's up against her too.
Corey Allan: There is also the aspect though of, he said some pretty hurtful things in the past. I don't know what the context of that is, and this is one of those things that's very interesting to me. I want to take this quick and aside. Because we hear this a lot in relationships, we've had this at times in our past, where something was said in jest or in the heat of an argument that it really lands deeply because there's an element of truth usually wound in there.
It's something that is truly felt or thought, and we take it as fact and inflate it when we hear it, and it really can cause a divide, and it really can cause an issue. Then you're looking at this dilemma of, okay, well, why would you say it then? If you didn't believe it, why would you say it? Then that's rabbit holes that you're off on, right? Because ...
Pam Allan: Well, no one's saying he didn't believe it.
Corey Allan: Well, but this is where we start to take it as truth and we start to then internalize it and it changes our perception of ourselves and it just starts starts to be compounded on, compounded on, compounded on.
Pam Allan: I gotcha.
Corey Allan: The aside I want to use just real quick, because I think it applies here, is just because something was true in that moment, just because a spouse might have thought that in that season, or has this reaction with a huge traumatic issue that's come up of her, it doesn't mean he still does. Because if we were held responsible for every single thought we ever had, thank the Lord we have a savior, in a spiritual sense.
Pam Allan: There is grace.
Corey Allan: But if grace didn't exist on a human level, no relationship's ever going to survive, because we're not 100% pure.
Pam Allan: Right. And we can change, we can see things from a different perspective, and those things do change.
Corey Allan: Those still need to be addressed point by point sometimes, to just make sure there's been an accounting for it, if you will of, okay, hold on. Because if the integrity moves of things that have ever been said in the past, that have hurt and stung so deeply, if they are indeed no longer valid for that person in this situation in the relationship, it needs to be brought out into the light, in a sense. In the sense of, you know what? I did say that, and I was totally wrong, and that's how healing can actually start to happen for a better future.
Pam Allan: Right. To clarify, you're not saying continue to bring it up month after month, after month, after month, you bring it up, you deal with it, you address the elephant in the room, or whatever has been befuddling you because it's never been addressed before. They may not have any idea that the hurt is there for you crosstalk.
Corey Allan: Because this is also going to be the same way, I think, she has to address her self image.
Pam Allan: How is that the same way?
Corey Allan: Because we're talking about this element of, how often do we get caught in? I had this, I had this identity in how I viewed and conducted myself, and then that gets altered. Part of the reason I can't move into what is, is because of what was. I can't let go of, this is the change that has happened, good or bad. This is the change. It's very, very difficult to come to grips with, this is my reality. A lot of it is because I cling to what was my reality, and I haven't gone through the grieving process of honoring that and the transition that's required because it truly is a loss, and that's probably the best way to think about it, is that identity has died.
A new one can be born, but I have to go through the grieving process to make that happen. A lot of it can also then be, how do I see this as, okay, keep it as much data focused as I can, this is the reality of what it is? How do I detach as much meaning as I can and to attach as much judgment as I can on it and see it as, just because my breasts have been altered dramatically ...
Pam Allan: Not the way I want them.
Corey Allan: Does that make me no less of a human being? Does that make me less of a sexual being? This is the stuff that a lot of people face when you're talking about all kinds of different cancer deformity, things that come from the treatments.
Pam Allan: Car wrecks. All kinds of different scenarios.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. So, how do I come to grips with, this as who I am? Because we get caught, and I'm not saying she's doing this, I'm just talking about on a global level, but we get caught in this dilemma of, I want to have a pity party for myself because of circumstances, but after I'm done with that party, I'm still facing my circumstances. So, the emotion I have attached to it, I have to reevaluate in reframe as best I can to start to see, okay, hold on, I got 28 years into this relationship.
Of course, I'm going to have a hard time when it comes to sex, because I'm a different person in how I'm bringing myself to it. I need to not come at it like I used to, where the physical, or the fantasy act would get me going physically, because now there's a barrier it seems of nope, the touch is different, the sensations are different. Well, of course they would be because there's things that have been altered and adjusted. But does that mean I'm no longer a sexual being?
Pam Allan: No.
Corey Allan: No. Does that mean I'm not even more capable, possibly, of what I wasn't even sure of? Because this is the thing that, tell me if I'm wrong in this, on the truisms of what we've seen from people that have gone through, we don't know anybody to this degree, but have gone through life altering things and have come out the other end. Haven't they all, without fail, created a different level of depth of themselves after they come out the other end because they recognize, look at what I can do? Look at what I'm capable of. This didn't defeat me. This doesn't define me.
Pam Allan: Right. And you can do one or the other. You can just let it go and let it define you or let it defeat you. But when you're doing what you're doing right now, I mean, go into the EMDR and going through that therapy, calling in here, listening, working on it. Those are the things, you're doing the things to redefine. You're doing the things to look for that and truly redefine who you are sexually.
Corey Allan: After you do some of that heavy lifting ma'am, and this could be concurrent, you also need to do the heavy lifting of redefining what's going on in the relationship. Because if you feel like he's pawning foreplay off to your massage therapist, that needs to be brought into the light.
Pam Allan: Definitely. Yeah, if that's her fantasy, is the massage therapist's hands, crosstalk for him.
Corey Allan: Yep. If you feel like he's repulsed or avoiding it, that needs to be called out into the light, because if you're experiencing it, there's truth in it. It may not be the entirety of the truth, but there's a sliver of it, and those are the suckers, when we don't acknowledge them, they grow and they cause even more divides because you're reading his map, he's reading your map. Does it make sense?
Pam Allan: It does.
Corey Allan: Being able to bring that forward and say, hey, we've got some stuff that's come up, and his actually is a better path to intimacy. When I can really start to address, this is what I'm experiencing, and the best way to do it, is not the you, blah, blah, blah, blah. The best way to do it is, what I'm experiencing between us is ... What I'm reading is ... Those kinds of phrases are your openers, rather than, I feel like you don't love me anymore. Because we're usually going to get defensive to that.
But if you come at it with, I'm really struggling with how I view myself as a sexual being, and I get a sense you are too, that's a little lighter to bring out into what could be, what really is happening. Then if you have struggle, even being naked in front of him, what if you're partially naked? What if you cover the parts you're really struggling with a little bit more, but you're still working your way towards that? All of those are steps forward because these are baby steps that we need to take because we don't just, when we have major traumatic things happen, we don't just usually wake up in one fell swoop, we're good. These are steps where we earn ourselves in every little step we take. Well done for taking the steps that you're already taking. Take a few more.
"Dr. Allan, thank you for your show. I get what you teach about being solid in your own self, and I agree that being authentically solid is something that will lead to more desire from my wife. What I'm curious about is Dr. Glover's teaching that women are more sexual than men in his experience that, when he is really dialed in, the women in his life have wanted sex more than he does. Do you agree that when a man is good and authentically masculine, that his wife will become highly sexually invested in, basically horny for him? I've heard and read that historically, women were considered the more randier of the two sexes. Would love your thoughts more."
Well, since I have at my disposal as a cohost, a woman, that's kind of a weird phraseology of a disposal.
Pam Allan: Yeah, it really is.
Corey Allan: Since I have the honor ...
Pam Allan: Yeah, you're welcome for me being a disposable item crosstalk.
Corey Allan: Not disposable. I think you're ... Okay. I'll own that. Total wrong. Since I have a woman here with me, do you think there's a possibility women could be more sexual than men?
Pam Allan: Sure, there's a possibility.
Corey Allan: What do you think about the practicality of that though?
Pam Allan: There's factors to certainly, if a man's more masculine, I think that, that brings that out, but so much of it, I think is societal. I feel like, that what ... The expectations we put on ourselves, especially here in ... I don't know. I've only grown up in America. I've been other places, but I've only known growing up here, and the expectations that I see on the female gender, I don't know, I just feel like there's a lot on the plate and I got to meet all those quotas and be hot in bed too.
Corey Allan: Western society has classified women differently than women have been throughout history too.
Pam Allan: Specifically how?
Corey Allan: Well, taking out of the equation, the fact that women were oftentimes thought of as chattel, prior to independence, and voice, and property. That aside. A lot of the reasons why, and it's interesting, I've not really done a whole bunch of a deep dive into the rationale behind some of the decisions, but a lot of the reason why the modesty, the lock them up, that kind of keep them at bay, was because women were thought of as the more sexualized beings, largely because of the passion that a woman can emote more freely, oftentimes than a man, the ability for being multi-orgasmic, that's different than a man.
But then, there's also a component of a biological hypothesis that can be going on, that could be attributed to this factor, and that is, the sheet that is in between your brain, the hemispheres of your brain, the corpus callosum, women have more activity going on between the two hemispheres than men do.
Pam Allan: That's supposed to correlate to sexual desire?
Corey Allan: That correlates, no. Not that it correlates to sexual, that correlates to oftentimes, and I'm going to be very simplistic with this, but oftentimes, you got the logic side and the emotional side. There's more fluidity going on between the two hemispheres in women than there is in men, which oftentimes is thought of as, that equates to more passion if it was steered in a sexual realm, that equates to more creativity and vibrancy. And if you equate towards the sexual realm, well then maybe a woman could be more randier than a man.
Pam Allan: More randier.
Corey Allan: More randier. Yeah, I caught that right when I heard it.
Pam Allan: It's all good.
Corey Allan: I'm just going to be flubbing all the way if ...
Pam Allan: You English well, that's all right.
Corey Allan: Well, at least you're at my disposal.
Pam Allan: Right. There is a sensuality that a woman could have that is not a manly thing, right?
Corey Allan: Yes.
Pam Allan: It is not something that I see, just in my mind, being emitted from a man.
Corey Allan: Correct.
Pam Allan: So, I can totally see that side of things.
Corey Allan: To answer his question specifically-
Pam Allan: Would I like to be there? Yes.
Corey Allan: Would I like you to be there?
Pam Allan: Yes. Anyway ...
Corey Allan: To answer his question specifically, because I've come across this before from Dr. Glover, that I think it has to be in the context of, when a woman, he also simplifies it this way, women, I'll frame it as Eve, are security seeking creatures. And when she feels safe with a man, she will, and likely, can then let herself go more, especially sexually is what I'm talking about, because she feels trusting in that environment. That's his phrase of trust equals lust, that she knows he's solid enough to handle her, that she knows he's solid enough to treat her well, to take her places she can't go by herself. Men, same corollary, is the beauty of married sex.
I believe when a marriage gets really, really good and "safe" and solidness of him, yes, it can ramp up quite a bit, and she could even be more sexual, which might be why, statistically speaking, women, and biologically speaking, can hit a little more of a peak in their 40s and 50s sexually, because they're more comfortable in their own skin, one. Their stress levels are different, because usually you're not talking about toddlerhood happening as much, and what's required of them, with everybody fighting for time on the breasts, but it's looking at it from the lens of, there's more quality of a relationship likely too.
Because you've been through the battles together with each other. You've created some things together. You've seen what he's made of. I think back to one of the very first times you were on the show. You were filling in and I brought up the idea of an S test. I'm not going to use the word, but it's a dynamic where a woman will test the solidness of a man by just giving him crap.
Pam Allan: Yeah, I remember that.
Corey Allan: You said, to your credit, because you didn't even know I was going there with the show, but to your credit, you said, "Yeah, I do that, because I want to see if you're in this for the long haul." I love the honesty of that because I think that's what's this is touching on, that I think there's an element of, it can amp up a woman when she knows she's with a man that can treat her well and is not just at her disposal, at his disposal. I'm going to bring that back into it, for his needs.
Pam Allan: Full circle.
Corey Allan: For his needs, but it's for hers too. I think when those environments are created, can a woman be the randier of the two? Yes, I think so. Largely, it's because, biologically speaking, she's got an automatic weapon.
Pam Allan: We do. Congratulations ladies. Not just a shotgun.
Corey Allan: Use it well, please. An email that came in that's from a husband, it says, "My wife and I have been together for 20 years and have always enjoyed having sex, so getting into the bedroom has never really been a problem. She also has always been able to climax around 99% of the time, so that hasn't been a problem either, which-"
Pam Allan: Around 99%.
Corey Allan: Well done.
Pam Allan: Wow. Okay.
Corey Allan: "The frustration I've got stems from how we climax. She will only go if she is the one in control. We've tried every position there is, and it worked through hundreds of oral sessions, but she can't seem to go unless it's a position where she is making the movements. I feel like our sex life is just two people pleasing themselves rather than two people trying to please the other person. Is this normal? I hear and read so many things to talk about pleasing your partner, and I don't feel like I've ever really done that. Thanks for what you do."
Pam Allan: Well, that's interesting. Has she just not communicated the good position or the spot that really gets it, or is it truly that desire in her mind to be in control?
Corey Allan: There's two things that come to my mind on this. So, it's almost two points that need to be made. One is the bigger point, and a secondary. Let's start with the secondary, because that's where you're going, with the idea of, how do you crack this problem? How do you come up with a way that, what he's asking, how do we make it to where I can actually be the conduit of pleasure sometimes for her? I think that's a valid question, but I think it pales in comparison to the first question of, what you're doing is successful. They're having great sex, to his own admission, what he's saying. I'm going by, it's working.
Pam Allan: Yeah, but the way you phrase it there brings out a disconnect though. Oh, we're having great sex, but it sounds like there is a disconnect ... He wants a better-
Corey Allan: He wants to be the source of his wife's pleasure without realizing, if she's the one in control, he still is a source of her pleasure.
Pam Allan: Right, but he also said, it feels like ... Go back to the wording that he used there. It feels like-
Corey Allan: I feel like our sex is just two people pleasing themselves rather than two people trying to please the other person.
Pam Allan: Two people pleasing themselves. He's saying there's not a connection there. We're both sitting there getting off.
Corey Allan: Well, okay, but she only goes if she is the one in control. I'm hearing this as, he can be an apparatus, but she's got to be the one behind the controls. Am I not providing pleasure if I'm the apparatus?
Pam Allan: He is.
Corey Allan: I'm just trying to add that component in there of, how do you frame it as, it's still something that's happening within each other's presence? I think that matters.
Pam Allan: It does. So, it sounds like it's a reframe of, right now, it sounds like for him, there's a disconnect there, that he's not, and that, that meaning is coming across, that he's missing some sort of connection or-
Corey Allan: Okay. But this also is in line with what we've talked about with couples or women that have emailed in, in the past that have said, how do I get an orgasm? How do I give my spouse an orgasm? Whatever it might be. And there's a big component of that percentage quadrant, if you will, of, they have to give it themselves. They have to allow it in. They have to seek it themselves. They have to invite it in, in a sense. It's not something that ... I don't just give it to you.
Pam Allan: Gotcha.
Corey Allan: It's not an exchange like that. It sounds like on this one, the dial is just dialed over more than he wants it to be. Then you're looking at it as, okay, when you're trying to figure out how to please your partner, one, I just want to add again, the idea of you are. It's just not in the manner you see it as pleasing her, unless there's data I'm missing from what I'm reading, because you're a source of pleasure in that. You're just not the one that is the pleasure or providing all of it. I'm reading you as something different though.
Pam Allan: Well, I can be there and participate, but if my meaning is something different, I've either got to change the meaning in my head or I've got to address what's going on.
Corey Allan: Right, and that's a good segue into what he's asking is, how do you bring that up? Of, we've tried all these different positions of the goal of, how do I give this to you, rather than, how do I get closer within this aspect of what we're doing together, regardless of who's actually doing it? How do I connect more with the aspect of what we're doing together, regardless of who's in control of it? Is there a way to reframe some of that? Is there a way to be, maybe take over part of the reigns for part of the time and then they take it back to finish?
I mean, a lot of couples find this avenue of, we can do a lot of fun things and then when it's time to actually finish it, we know how to do that. And it's a certain position, it's a certain move, it's a certain act, whatever it might be, certain song.
Pam Allan: Sure.
Corey Allan: They're kind, there we go, now we get on the top.
Pam Allan: Rhythm, there's our rhythm.
Corey Allan: Yeah. There it is. I think a lot of times we can get caught in this dilemma of what we have is pleasurable and good. It could be more. Absolutely, everybody's could be more, but at the expense of what? I'm kind of saying slow down, I like the question, reframe it some, but then also look at it as, our goals aren't hundreds of oral sessions so that I can actually give you an orgasm. What if it's oral sessions that gets you a little bit closer during that time? You change the meaning of how you bring yourself to it. Not the goal of what you're hoping to accomplish, and see what that does with the connection so is less disconnected possibly. Then let us know. Hundreds of oral sessions, if you've got some positions I'm not aware of, email@example.com, I'm interested.
Well, we're going to leave it at that because I think that gets us caught up. There's still a few more that we'll interweave in the weeks to come, plus all the other ones that'll be coming in. We will catch up, and if our conversation is, like we've mentioned in one of the segments today, that if we left something undone or we're off base, or there's a couple of segments from ... If we were in video, you guys would be watching, they're not on the same page there, with the way they're seeing it.
Pam Allan: Oh I'm sure they can hear it in my voice.
Corey Allan: But if they could see your face, it would confirm it.
Pam Allan: Poor Corey.
Corey Allan: That I could be way out in the deep end, and Pam's like, I got no clue what you're talking about, or I don't agree, or something.
Pam Allan: Or you're not hearing me. That's okay.
Corey Allan: It happens on the microphone too.
Pam Allan: Email and let us know what you're hearing. It'll be funny to see if what you're hearing describes what Corey is saying.
Corey Allan: Feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. Join in to my angst at times of reading a wife that's at my disposal. Well, she's not actually.
Pam Allan: Stop.
Corey Allan: Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. We thank you again for taking the time out of your day each and every week that you do. We hope that you'll come see us in June of 2022, up in Indianapolis. Registration's available right now, smrnation.com/getaway, is where you can learn more and save your space. Wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking some time out to spend it with us. We'll see you next time.
Sign up to receive email updates
Enter your name and email address below and I'll send you periodic updates about the podcast.
Get access to your free marriage library and the SMR Community.
The SMR Community is full of value, void of hype, tailored to your interests whenever possible, never pushy, and always free.
Plus, get several custom eBooks that will help you and your spouse create a better marriage.