On today’s regular version of the show …

My wife Pam is tested on her knowledge with a 10 Question Sex Quiz

And an email from a husband looking for our thoughts about helping his marriage and their struggles with weight, desire, infertility and adoption.

On the Xtended version …

What’s the difference between arousal and desire?

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Transcript of Episode

Corey Allan: So my lovely wife Pam.

Pam Allan: Yes, my dear.

Corey Allan: Right out of the gate for this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio. Did you realize that with iTunes, I mentioned earlier they have re-categorized the way podcasts are now separated as far as the different categories. They’ve just come through a little more clean line and-

Pam Allan: More specific on the categories?

Corey Allan: Yeah, and just trying, I think they are just trying to keep up with society with all the different messages that are out there and shows that are out there. And so again, Sexy Marriage Radio is staying under the whole health and lifestyle and then specifically the sub-category of sexuality. But it’s cleaned everything up to where right now, thanks to the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation, Sexy Marriage Radio was repeatedly staying right in the top five or so of the sexuality category in iTunes. Sometimes we’ll drop to six, seven or eight, but we stay up there, and so all that’s to say thank you to the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation.

Corey Allan: Help us stay there. Subscribe. If you’re not already on iTunes, leave a comment and a review that helps us spread the word and expand the audience of the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation. Because if you listen to this show, you’re a part of the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation. So welcome. Where you been all our lives?

Corey Allan: The other thing you can do is let us know what’s on your mind with any kind of question, comment, thought that you would like to have covered. We’ve tried to set up a scenario where if you’ve got a question about your marriage or your sex life that you don’t know where else to ask because you’re not going to bring it up around the dinner table or a family function or a life group at church or some other coworkers relationship that you might have. Give us a call, (214) 702-9565. Because we want to answer what’s on your mind. That’s what’s helped create the show to be what it is today. You can also email us feedback@sexymarriageradio.com.

Corey Allan: Because we want to know what’s going on in your world because we tell you what’s going on in ours some. We also want to just steer it so that everybody’s better in facing the struggles that happen in their marriage, which are bound to happen, let’s face it with the best of us, so that we can be all that we could be.

Corey Allan: So coming up on today’s regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, we’ve got one of your questions and our answer. Then I’m also going to do a pop quiz on my wife about what do you know about sex?

Pam Allan: Oh, okay. So I’m just asking for some grace here because I might look a fool. But yeah, so tune in for that.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. That’ll be coming up soon. Then coming up on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper or twice as long, and there’s no ads, you can subscribe at SMRnation.com. Pam and I are going to have an in depth conversation about what’s the difference between arousal and desire. There’s some new research that’s come down this year. There’s some different findings that are kind of cool to think through and explore how does this impact us and what can we do with it? So all that’s coming up on today’s show. Okay, Pam, so this is a segment we’re going to do every so often. No timeframe on it, but there’s just a `Do You Think You’re a Sexpert is the way we can think of it.

Pam Allan: I’m the one that’s getting quizzed on this.

Corey Allan: Yes.

Pam Allan: Everybody out there, you have to take this quiz too and answer this and see if you’re as genius or as stupid as I am. We’ll see which one that is.

Corey Allan: This is just 10 questions. Follow along wherever you are and see what you can get right or wrong. There’s no judgment here. This is all for educational purposes only-

Pam Allan: Bring it. Let’s get going.

Corey Allan: … and possibly even some entertainment purposes only.

Pam Allan: Entertainment, I’m pretty sure.

Corey Allan: Question number one, Pam. The size of the average erect penis is four to six inches, six to eight inches, or eight to 10 inches?

Pam Allan: You’ve had that on a previous show and someone’s going to email in with the episode number because they know that. For some reason I had in my head that it was like right at the six or 6.5 inches.

Corey Allan: That would put you in the category of wanting to go the six to eight or you want to go to the low side of that with a four to six.

Pam Allan: I’m thinking of going with the low side actually, the four to six.

Corey Allan: The four to six, you would be correct.

Pam Allan: Look at that.

Corey Allan: One for one. Question number two, does sex burn as many calories as running a mile does? Yes or no?

Pam Allan: I guess that depends on who the lover is, right?

Corey Allan: True.

Pam Allan: The wham bam, thank you ma’am.

Corey Allan: There’s not qualifications to it on, okay. What type of sexual encounter are we talking about. This just a generic. I realize the formation of the question leaves a lot of interpretations.

Pam Allan: This could take forever if I go through all that. I’m going to say yes.

Corey Allan: Again, two for two. Well done. Question number three, how many nerve endings does the clitoris have? 8,000, 40, or 4,000?

Pam Allan: 8,000.

Corey Allan: Three for three, look at you. You are well on your way to sexpert status. We’ve got a new title that can be put at your office as a CPA. Everybody’ll be like, “I thought I was getting tax information.”

Pam Allan: “I’m not sure I want to meet with her.”

Corey Allan: Question number four, can using two condoms provide extra protection?

Pam Allan: I guess using a hundred provides extra protection too, right? But I don’t know that you’d get any more protection than one. So I’m going to say no.

Corey Allan: Correct. No, it does not provide any extra protection. Question number five, a teaspoon of semen contains how many calories? Two, five, or eight.

Pam Allan: Oh, this is just a wild guess. I’m going to say two.

Corey Allan: Actually a little bit more than that. It contains five calories. So if you’re not sure if you’re at calorie intake for the day, this is the way you can track it because I don’t know if that’s on one of those lifestyle apps. If you’re really measuring all your calories for the day.

Pam Allan: Right, I’m putting in my chips and salsa, and guacamole, and my semen.

Corey Allan: And your semen intake, yes. Question number six, what is the time in which an average man ejaculates during sex? 5.4 minutes. 5.5 minutes, or 10.2 minutes?

Pam Allan: I’m sorry, what were the first two?

Corey Allan: 5.4 or 5.5 or 10?

Pam Allan: 5.5.

Corey Allan: Close, 5.4. The wording on that one, it’s like, okay, that’s a, “I could do better.”

Pam Allan: I’m counting that as right.

Corey Allan: Maybe that’s what he could be saying too, “I could do better.” Question number seven, what percentage of men and women are consistently able to achieve orgasm with their partner? So this one you’re going to have to listen through because there’s three choices. 75% of men and 29% of women, 80% of men and 25% of women, 60% of men and 40% of women.

Pam Allan: I think it’s the last one, 60 and 40.

Corey Allan: 60-40?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: It’s actually 75-29. It’s the very first one. That’s how many the percentage of men and women are consistently able to achieve orgasm hence the reason we’ve done a couple of episodes in the past, particularly one not too distant past, on the orgasm gap. That’s a huge difference between 80-30, 80-25, but it’s just-

Pam Allan: The key there, I guess, is the word consistently achieve?

Corey Allan: Yes. Question number eight, how many men experience premature ejaculation? Between 20 to 30%, between 35 to 40%, or between five to 10%?

Pam Allan: I think the first one, the 20 to 30.

Corey Allan: You would be correct, ma’am.

Pam Allan: Finally got another one right.

Corey Allan: She’s back in the winning category again.

Pam Allan: I’m not even keeping track of it.

Corey Allan: I’m not either. I lost track. I have to go back and listen to this one when it airs, and we’ll tell you how you did.

Pam Allan: Email us and tell me.

Corey Allan: Question number nine, what is the most effective contraceptive device or option out there? You have the contraceptive pills, condoms, or diaphragms, Which is the most effective? The pill, a condom, or the diaphragm?

Pam Allan: Again, I’m just taking a total stab in the dark on this one. I’m guessing the condom.

Corey Allan: No, it would be the pill. The contraceptive pill, because that’s what actually blocks the release of the egg and the way it all sets up. That’s the most effective. That’s one of the things that’s interesting. If you’ve got teenagers that are anywhere near the world of being sexually active, there’s important information to talk to them about. Condoms are not fail safe, diaphragms are not fail safe. They definitely don’t always cover STDs, but condoms are like 98% effective, so there’s still a chance even with protection, you end up pregnant or with an STD.

Pam Allan: So that’s a funny one. To go back to the other question that said, even if you use two condoms, do you have more protection? How if you double them up, how is that not extra protection? You know, one has a hole and the other one doesn’t. But that’s kind of funny. I’m just throwing that out there. I don’t expect you to have an answer.

Corey Allan: Question number 10, last one, can you get pregnant during period sex? So a woman is on her period. Is it possible to get pregnant while she’s on her period and you have sex?

Pam Allan: Well, as a female, I feel like I should know this. It’s not as likely, but I’m not going to say you can’t. I would say yes you can.

Corey Allan: That would be correct. You absolutely can. The reason that can happen is because sperm can still do what sperm does, which is heads up the cervix into the uterus and up into the fallopian tubes and hangs out until the next egg. It could survive that long until the next day. So it is possible that that can happen.

Pam Allan: Just not as likely.

Corey Allan: It’s not going to be high up the scale, but it is possible. All right, so well done.

Pam Allan: All right, I feel a little more secure in my sexuality now. I got a few of those right.

Corey Allan: You absolutely did. That was well done. We should’ve kept track. That’s kind of lame on us to not even keep track of how’d you do? I think you missed like four.

Pam Allan: Something like that. That’s still a failing grade.

Corey Allan: 60, D’s get degrees, baby.

Pam Allan: Not in my world.

Corey Allan: All right, so switching gears. This is an email that came in over the summer from one of the members of the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation. It’s a husband, there’s a couple of different questions built into this. We’ll try to unpack this as best we can in the time we’ve got today. So, “I happened upon your podcast about a month or so ago and got my wife hooked as well. We try to listen together so we haven’t been able to listen and catch up as fast as we’d like.”

Corey Allan: Because it sounds like they’re trying to do this journey in the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation together. “We’ve listened to one episode where one of the ladies that emailed in has PCOs, which is polycystic ovary syndrome, and lower desire for sex, but a higher desire for kids. Due to infertility, which is common with those with PCO, they struggled conceiving and thus wanted to adopt. The guy in what he listened to earlier didn’t want to do so without a good chance for his own flesh and blood kids.” So that resonates with this emailer, that message.

Corey Allan: Here’s the about them. They’re a married couple, have been married almost three years. They’ve been best friends for over 10, and they were engaged for a year before they got married, and all of it’s been great. They’ve had their disagreements, but always work through them together. They believe that once married, divorce isn’t even an option or a word spoken. They both consider themselves on the leader side of the way they do life and relationship.

Corey Allan: “But according to the health charts, we are also both somewhat morbidly to dangerously obese. I’ve tried to lose weight and have been able to keep off about 40 pounds for over a year now, but I’ve plateaued. My wife has struggled and was doing well. But due to her PCO and high blood yeast content, and she keeps struggling to say no to lifestyle changes. She now feels that it’s her fault that we can’t have kids. “Doctor have told us that we could do fertility treatments but would have a very high risk rate. If we lose the weight, it would increase our chances of our own and lower the risks by a ton.”

Corey Allan: He’s the higher desire for sex and she struggles, so she’s the lower desire. Thus he doesn’t want to bring up anything about sex. It’s hard for him because it’s of her reactions.

Corey Allan: “Now she is struggling with her and my desire for a child and children to have our own, but there’s no sex and there is no losing of the weight. She sees me eating salads and doing good, saying no to food, et cetera. But she goes out to eat or craves the bad. So what do I do? We’re not financially able to adopt. Fertility treatments would be a waste if there’s no sex and there’s no weight change because it doesn’t change the risk factor.”

Corey Allan: Because that’s another factor that goes along with the PCO is even if infertility is an issue with it, but even if you do have something that overcomes infertility, it’s a high risk pregnancy. It’s a greater chance of miscarriage. He also wants adoption at the last resort, but deep down he wants his own child first and foremost.

Corey Allan: “So what do I do? I desire my wife and love her, whatever weight she is. I see her struggling her own skin and yes, desire her, but also desire her to be happy with herself. I don’t enable her, so don’t get me wrong there. Just, I’m not the controlling husband type either. We’re a team and I see her feel alone on this and that results in me feeling alone too, Help.”

Corey Allan: This is a tougher one of just some of the things that really do impact us in life, in marriage. That when we get into these identity, lifelong struggle, things that play out in our relationship, but also are playing out individually. It is a real struggle. There’s two things I want to frame this conversation with. Because one of the things we have said in the past with Sexy Marriage Radio, and one of my beliefs that I have, is that marriage forces us to live and love on life’s terms. That’s a factor we cannot get around.

Corey Allan: Because this is playing out where the struggles you’ve got individually are playing out relationally and vice versa. That’s just the natural dynamic of a marriage. That’s why I can have couples come into my office, explain what’s going on. Quickly into their explanation. I can look at them and say, “What else? Because what you’re describing is what’s supposed to happen. It’s going to happen in marriage, that kind of a struggle.”

Corey Allan: Then the other thing that this thing does is it helps us or if it pushes us to decide, “What will I do for the sake of my relationship and what will I not do for the sake of my relationship and for myself?” So this is the whole framework of a gridlock.

Pam Allan: Okay. Can-

Corey Allan: No, you had something.

Pam Allan: You threw up the word gridlock? It’s interesting because I typically think of the word gridlock is being used as a… Each spouse in a marriage has a different idea of what they want. In this scenario, it sounds like they both want the same. It’s just the one potentially on the, what they’re eating and losing weight, just can’t mentally get there to make the leap to get there. So do you call that gridlock?

Corey Allan: Absolutely. That’s framing it perfectly, Pam. Because to me what you’re saying is they both want the same thing. So therefore, there shouldn’t be a gridlock. But do they do the same thing that’s in line with what they say they both want? No, there’s the gridlock. It’s also going on gridlock individually as well. Because I have to start looking at… When that’s the thing about a gridlock, right there, is if I’m in a relationship with somebody and what I want is blocked by what they want or do, it forces me to have to come to grips with how do I make sense of it internally too, not just relationally.

Corey Allan: That’s where this whole thing lands to me. That’s where you frame it more to help navigate gridlocks. You start to boil it down to two choice dilemmas. Because hers is pretty clear from what he’s describing. I have the desire for a child and the struggle with my weight. Those two completely interrelate to each other right now in the way it’s being described. Because weight is impacting the fertility and the possibilities. So I have to start to examine if I want to choose to not look at my lifestyle choices when it comes to weight and the different options that might be available to me with any kind of a system, program, diet, whatever that’s available.

Pam Allan: Right, trainer, nutritionist, whatever.

Corey Allan: Because, I mean, I understand, we both understand in the ways… In the world we live in right now, especially in here in the Western culture, if you want to try to really have a healthier lifestyle, the deck’s stacked against you from society. It is easy to be unhealthy.

Pam Allan: It is.

Corey Allan: That’s a harder thing that comes into self-discipline and my determination and my consistency. There’s a lot that’s involved with that. That’s being weighed against how much do I really want a child? This is trying to look at it on… There’s my dilemma. How do I frame it to make a cleaner choice? Because a lot of times we don’t, as humans… Tell me if I’m wrong with this, Pam, and the way I’m saying this or thinking through this. Don’t we get into this point where I’ve got a difficult choice if I think about it. I really don’t really want to do either, so I can just more easily take the stance of, “Yeah, well I just can’t. I’m just, you know, I just kind of throw my hands up.”

Pam Allan: In this scenario, what are you saying the two choices are?

Corey Allan: Well, in this scenario, it’s about the idea of the struggle to have to be on a plan to help me lose the weight and be consistent about that. Because that’s not just a one time choice. That’s a daily moment by moment choice. Versus the desire to have a child, which still has work involved because I have to look at what are the steps that I’d have to do to really make that happen. Because there’s this element of, and the way he’s framing it is her lower desire for sex seems to be the barrier for their, you know, that’s another hurdle.

Pam Allan: It’s a hurdle. I don’t see that being a barrier at all.

Corey Allan: I don’t either.

Pam Allan: It’s the way in how she’s viewing herself. That’s the bigger piece. The low desire sexually can be overcome, can be worked with. The harder piece is her dealing with herself.

Corey Allan: Right, she’s going to have to confront her own identity, her own value, her own validation of who she is as a person and how does she grow into comfort in her own skin more, to be able to start to examine, “Okay, what are my habits? How are they tied to things?” Because that’s the one thing. We do things for a reason. Just for pure theory from the behavioralist lens, all behavior is purposeful. It provides something. I’m choosing to do something because of the pleasure it could provide, or it helps me avoid the pain, or it medicates something, or it mitigates something, you know? So there’s all kinds of reasons why we do it.

Corey Allan: Do I have the courage to step back and start to examine why do I choose what I do? Why do I do it? Because until I can get into the meaning arena, it’s really harder because then you’re talking about willpower. Willpower is a muscle and it gets tired too every day.

Pam Allan: It totally does.

Corey Allan: To the husband that emailed in, because he’s the one asking for the help. I want to spend just a few minutes with him because he’s got a gridlock of birth child versus adoptive child. What’s the meaning of that?

Pam Allan: Yeah, that’s step one.

Corey Allan: That if they had the resources available to adopt, does that make it easy for him? No, none of this stuff is easy. But it’s starting to examine how do I attach, what do I attach to it? Am I less of a husband or father if my child is not a blood child of mine? No, you’re still a father. You still play an incredibly important role in somebody else’s life and you can still be that.

Corey Allan: That comes down again, just like your wife, sir. That’s an identity issue for you. How do you see who you are and can you expand it to add in another lens or another characteristic that maybe you hadn’t had prior? That then is tied to identity that’s much more flexible. Because we get so caught in this idea where a gridlock starts to play itself out the most is when I don’t have much flexibility with my identity. That’s why I dig my heels on it. “No, I have to have it this way. This is the only way I want it.” Rather than I start to examine, “Yeah, but I could shift it this way and I’m still good if not better.”

Pam Allan: You could. If you’re at the point where you’re not going to shift it though, it’s just like, “You know what? I want my bloodline, and I’m not going to feel the same about an adopted child.” Well, don’t adopt.

Corey Allan: True. That’s again, coming down to tougher choices.

Pam Allan: Those are really hard things to think about when you’re in this scenario. I mean, how will you react? How do you feel about that? How important is having that child to you?

Corey Allan: I think there is a better differentiated stance to be able to make these kinds of decisions, even when they can seem harsh or tough. When I can have a better resolve of, “You know what? I have a concern that I wouldn’t treat an adopted child the same way I would a blood child. So therefore, I’m not going to adopt.” Just own that decision within yourself, has a better resolve. You confront the whole other rabbit trail, your brain can go, “Yeah, but she’s really…”

Corey Allan: You know, we do all those rationalization things rather than… This is same thing for the wife or anybody else’s struggles with habits they’re trying to change, That idea of, “You know what? I realize this is my struggle. Part of self confidence is owning my choices better. Of I’m not going to go as full on crazy depth with my diet this time. I’m going to do this a little bit and I’m going to be okay with it.”

Corey Allan: There’s something powerful about when I can give myself a little grace with that and eliminate a little bit of the guilt. I start to see what really stands up, which might then lead me towards where I’m really wanting to go in the first place. A lot of times it truly is, “How do I just drill into it that deep to start to see what is my dilemma and what am I avoiding choosing?”

Corey Allan: Because even if it’s this whole idea, because this is what we tell our children. If it’s not when it comes to extracurricular activities or something, don’t make your choices based on what you think we want you to do. I would much rather have our kids come at us with, “This is what I want,” even if it’s not in line with what we want, because then we at least get a better understanding of where each side is.

Pam Allan: Yeah, that’s just a good trait to have all of life.

Corey Allan: This is happening on the marital level because he is sitting there struggling watching his wife, who struggles to live according to what they say they both want. But he’s like this whole, “I don’t want to be a controlling husband. I want to just stay on my lane, deal with my side, eat right.” That’s the best thing you can do in that regard. But then you can also don’t avoid the possibilities to be able to point out, “I thought we had this larger goal. Do you want to join me in this? Or at least tell me where you are?”

Pam Allan: I think that that is perfect. It kind of a calling out, but more of a, “Hey, we’re in this together as a team and if you’re not going to pull your part in this, where are we going with it?”

Corey Allan: “At least tell me so I can start adjusting to mine and adjusting my outlook and my goals in my path that I want to go on.”

Pam Allan: Is that something where you would like if this couple’s sitting in your office and he says, “I’m not a controlling person. I’m going to stay in my lane. I’m going to keep eating what’s right. I’m going to do this. Because we try and purport that everybody should be able to stand on their own two feet.” Do you advise that the spouse comes in and says, “How can I help you in this?” Or is that encouraging someone to not stand on their own two feet?

Corey Allan: No, I think there’s an element. The way you’re framing that, Pam, makes me think helping a spouse stand on their own two feet sometimes means I don’t let them off the hook. I mean, you’ve done this with me with the different times we’ve gone through. One of the things I love is that big old bucket of chocolate chip cookie dough that can sit in the fridge because then I can have hot chocolate chip cookies any evening or throughout the day.

Pam Allan: Every evening, people, every evening.

Corey Allan: She not wrong.

Pam Allan: Just saying.

Corey Allan: But there’s an element of if I’ll say to you, “You know, I’d really like to lose 10 pounds.” Then you see me making chocolate chip cookies every evening. Then you coming at me going, “Okay, there’s a disconnect with what you’re saying and what you’re doing. What are you doing? What gives?” That’s helping challenge, “You know what, forget the 10 pounds. I want to add more 10 pounds.” Or at least it starts to have to look at what am I saying and what am I doing and how do those things align?

Corey Allan: Because in marriage, that plays out so cleanly. There is an element of, it’s not a controlling person when I call someone out with what they say versus what they do. I think a lot of times that’s loving them because then what you’re asking for is not, “Hey, tell me this.” Because we can come at it as a brow beating side of it. But instead if I come at it as, “Explain to me, what are you doing? Because if you want to change your path, give me the data so I know where you’re heading to. Then I can be a support and an ally in that.”

Pam Allan: It’s an integrity thing too, right? If I say I want to go one direction and I’m going the other, and you’re the spouse sitting there on the sideline watching that, that can be frustrating as a spouse.

Corey Allan: But I think that is one of the most loving things that can happen to where I take my marriage to a better level by being able to call out what I see from a standpoint of love, but not a controlling, “This is what you need to do because this is what I think you need to do.” “I’m using the data you’ve giving me to help you be a better you.” That’s the whole goal. What I would hope my spouse would do the same in kind.

Corey Allan: Well, Pam, as we end this episode, I can’t help but have a little bit of a selfish thought and think, “Sweet, I’m married to a sexpert.”

Pam Allan: Right. Well, I don’t know. I missed a couple of those on there, so we’ll have to do this again later and see if I can get 100%.

Corey Allan: We will. I’m just more concerned about, do you get an a hundred percent in other areas? So this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Whatever you’ve been doing, and however you’ve been doing it to listen to us each and every week, thank you so much for being part of the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation. If you like what’s going on here, let us know. (214) 702-9565, Feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. We’ll see you next time.