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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Break Out Of A Sexual Rut #551

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Everyone gets the full show …

Pam goes through a Sex Ed Quiz again. Follow along to see how you do.

A wife wants to know how to best co-parent with her step-kids mom, who is now in a same-sex relationship.

A husband wants to know how to break out of the sexual rut he and his wife are in currently.

How do you address times when there’s an agreement for a sexual encounter yet it doesn’t happen?

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Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, SMRnation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allen.

Corey Allan: So here we are winding down 2021, looking forward to 2022. It's been quite the year here at Sexy Marriage Radio broadcast studios.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Coming to you from our den in our house.

Pam Allan: No, it's a studio, it's a studio.

Corey Allan: It is a studio. It's the same place every episode, pretty much, except for those at the getaway have been recorded from. But as we make the transition, Pam, there's a lot of things that I think people do when it comes time to ring in a new year and make preparations for whatever the next goals or paths are. And one of the ones we've always done in the last several years, at least that we've talked about on the show is the three words, goal or path.

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: That rather than a year's resolution, we pick three words. Sometimes you just pick one or two and that just kind of helps set the focus for the year.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so this just a little bit of a head start for those of you that are members of the SMR nation that have done this with us. We'll be talking about that probably the first show of 2022. We'll spend just a little bit of time on that because I think it's worth bring people. I got to speed.

Pam Allan: I thought you were going to throw it on me right now, and I've gotten mine yet. And I was like, "are you kidding me?"

Corey Allan: I don't either. I have six words right now as ones that have kind of percolated to the top.

Pam Allan: All right. So you got to narrow that down.

Corey Allan: And so that's the point is I'll spend the next couple of weeks before 2022 officially is rolling, narrowing it down to figuring out, okay, what are the ones that really do resonate the most on setting a path for where we go as a show, where we go as a business, where we go as a family, where we go as a marriage, where I go. And I think it's one of those kind of offshoots of all of it.
Well, this is Sexy Marriage Radio, where as you could tell, we talk about whatever's going on based on the calendar and based on what's going on in the nation and the way the nation lets us know is you got a couple different, you can call us (214) 702-9565. You can email us feedback at sexymarriageradio.com. You can even jump on the my.SMRnation.com platform. It's free to join. There's deeper levels in there that are for members only and group members and such, or course members. But there's lots of great this going on. There's several comments and conversations that have gone on the last two weeks episodes.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so jump in because what we're trying to do is create an exceptionally supportive, helpful, safe space that everybody contributes.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And everybody has a voice and all voices are welcome.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because that's where we all get better. And another way you can get better in 2022 is you come to Indy with us in June.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Come to the getaway.

Corey Allan: June 23rd through the 25th are the official dates of the time together in Indianapolis and signups are going on now, SMRnation.com/getaway, where you can learn more reserve your spot. We will sell out. We have every year.

Pam Allan: But it's a cool town. Go spend some time before and after if you want just the two of you. It is a real... It's a cool area.

Corey Allan: Right. And so we definitely hope you come and join us because it's a fun four days together.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: With members of the nation. So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio. Well, actually, Pam Christmas time, everybody gets the whole show today.

Pam Allan: Merry Christmas.

Corey Allan: So let me just set the stage of where we're going.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: We haven't done this in a while. So to start off for today's show, I almost want regular version, because it's just wrote in that memory now. Right? We haven't done this in quite a while, but I've got a quiz, a sex ed quiz for my wife.

Pam Allan: Oh.

Corey Allan: To see how she does and going into the holiday season. Let's see how everybody does.

Pam Allan: Okay. Let's see if I can at least pass it

Corey Allan: I have...

Pam Allan: I'm going to go into it being optimistic.

Corey Allan: I have high hopes.

Pam Allan: A little fearful. Okay.

Corey Allan: And then we've got several emails, a voicemail and just some things that have come in and then have on the queue. So we got a lot of different places we're going to go today.

Pam Allan: Cool.

Corey Allan: And so all that is coming up on today's show. Okay. Pam. So get your thinking hat on.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: It's always on. I realize that I know who I'm married to.

Pam Allan: Not always, not always, but 99% of the time. All right.

Corey Allan: That's always in my book. All right. So here's question number one. Okay?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: We'll start fairly easy.

Pam Allan: Wait, are these multiple choice or?

Corey Allan: Most of them will be yes or no, true false.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: The ones that are multiple choice, I will give you the choices.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So none are fill in the blank. Okay?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So are vagina and vulva the same thing? Yes or no.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: Correct. Number two. Is every female born with a Hymen? Yes or no?

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: That one actually is a no.

Pam Allan: Really? It is.

Corey Allan: Okay.
Number three...

Pam Allan: I guess every always rules out because everybody...

Corey Allan: There's exceptions.

Pam Allan: ... May not be born with a pinky.

Corey Allan: There's exceptions to a lot of different things. That is true. And that's some of the test taking strategies right there. We try to teach our kids, look at the wording of things.

Pam Allan: Does it say every, always?

Corey Allan: Right. All right. Number three. How many holes does the female reproductive system, as in the vulva, have? 1, 2, 3 or 4 holes?

Pam Allan: Well, I'm just thinking the one, but what am I missing here? I'm going to say two.

Corey Allan: You're right. It's two. It has two because there's the urethra, that's where your urine passes by and then there's the vagina.

Pam Allan: Well you said... Oh, okay. I'm thinking reproductive, but the urethra is not reproductive.

Corey Allan: No, but it's part of the vulva.

Pam Allan: Okay. So again, read the English.

Corey Allan: Part of the female genitalia.

Pam Allan: Read the English. I tell my... Okay. Read the English in the question.

Corey Allan: Here's a multiple choice for you. Number four.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Which part of the vulva gets aroused or engorged when female is turned on? Clitoris, uterus, labia or vagina?

Pam Allan: Well clit.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: A.

Corey Allan: There's also a part B on this one, I think because the labia.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: That's analogous to a penis, both of those where the en engagement is the blood flow and the increase in size.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: Number five. Which out of these is the least sensitive part of a female body? Butt, back, side boob, ears, or all of the above?

Pam Allan: How can it be all of the above in a least? I'm thinking it's the ears.

Corey Allan: Actually, it's the side boob.

Pam Allan: As opposed to my front boob. That wording is... That English is not good. So the side of the breast?

Corey Allan: Yes.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Yes. The side of the breast.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: I mean, they're all spectacular in my... As a breast man speaking myself.

Pam Allan: It sounds like...

Corey Allan: Number seven...

Pam Allan: I got two in the front and two on the side and two in the back.

Corey Allan: Number seven. Why is it important for someone with a vagina to pee after sex? This is multiple choice. It reduces the chance of pregnancy. It prevents UTIs. It makes sure that you don't get an STD or it prolongs your orgasm.

Pam Allan: It helps with preventing UTIs.

Corey Allan: Correct. And that's... And for several, for lots of women, that can be an incredibly important step.

Pam Allan: Yeah. And UTI, if you don't know what that is, a urinary tract infection.

Corey Allan: Also known as the honeymoon.

Pam Allan: Yes. Because the girls are afraid to get out of bed after sex.

Corey Allan: Or there's something new. Because if you waited until you got married to have sex, it's a whole new realm going on down there with lots of sex all of a sudden. And so...

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: ... UTIs happen a lot on honeymoons or right after.

Pam Allan: Yep. Yep.

Corey Allan: Okay. Number eight. Is there a safe time of the month when a woman can't get pregnant from unprotected sex? Yes or no?

Pam Allan: Well, I should know this like a hundred percent, but I would say that I'm not a hundred percent comfortable with this answer, but I would say that yes, there is a time.

Corey Allan: That would be a no. There's not a time.

Pam Allan: There's not a time.

Corey Allan: There's not a time.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And the reason is, we'll get to in just second because there will be a question that I think will tie this together.

Pam Allan: Again when it comes to that a hundred percent. That's always...

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: Come on.

Corey Allan: Number nine. Females are born with a lifetime supply of eggs, true or false?

Pam Allan: Lifetime supply?

Corey Allan: Yeah. When they're born, they have all the eggs. They won't make more. It's basically what the question's asking. True or false.

Pam Allan: Oh, that's true. Isn't it?

Corey Allan: That is true.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Because they're actually... By the time puberty hits, well they say, what science researchers have found is they think there's approximately a million eggs when you're born.
I would say that's a lifetime supply.

Corey Allan: It's a lifetime.... That's a good point. It'll lose over the course of the reproductive lifetime, they'll release or ovulate roughly 300 to 400.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Okay. So number 10, we got like three more to go. Number 10 only guys have nocturnal emissions also known as wet dreams true or false?

Pam Allan: False.

Corey Allan: Correct. Number 11. Ejaculated sperm can live in a woman's body for up to five days? True or false?

Pam Allan: Five days? I'm going to say that's true.

Corey Allan: That is true. And that is why there's not a time in a woman's reproductive cycle...

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: ... That she can't get pregnant.

Pam Allan: Yep. I'm with you.

Corey Allan: Because they can last and it's fascinating.

Pam Allan: They're swimmers.

Corey Allan: That's exactly it.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: All right, and then the last one. Actually there's two more. You can fracture a penis true or false?

Pam Allan: True.

Corey Allan: That is true. So that's where you got to be very careful while the erect penis, that's not, it's not a bone, so it's not actually a fracture, but it can create an issue with the two cylinders in the penis that's responsible for erection.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right. That that's where the en engorgement happens and that tissue can get... And the fibers can get damaged, which is called a fracture.

Pam Allan: Interesting that they use the word fracture, but okay.

Corey Allan: Might want to watch out, be careful.

Pam Allan: Sounds terrible.

Corey Allan: Yes it does. And then number 13, you need to have regular erections to keep your penis from shrinking true or false?

Pam Allan: False.

Corey Allan: That is true.

Pam Allan: Is that right?

Corey Allan: That is true because the skin tightens up.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because think of anything that's not being stretched regularly.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Will shrink a little bit.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: So our wish for you this holiday season, keep them regular.

Pam Allan: All right. That's a good one to end on.

Speaker 3: Hi there. I am curious about divorces, when the previous partner is now homosexual. My husband and I have been married for about six months and his previous spouse came out as homosexual while they were married. We have had challenges co-parenting, not from a judgment or any other standpoint, but from a, my step's mother appear as though she has some significant previous hurt in her world. I'm just curious if you guys have any advice regarding co-parenting with a homosexual relationship? When the primary parents are heterosexual. My husband and I take it very seriously that we are responsible for showing what a positive heterosexual relationship looks like. But how do we balance that with being respectful to my step son's mother and her relationship. So just... I've been binge listening to you guys. I love you guys. And I would love your feedback. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye bye.

Corey Allan: So there's some hot button topics in this one.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: But I think the answer can apply. It's just going to be different to varying degrees.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: The same kind of answer, because co-parenting regardless of circumstances, co-parenting, that's the idea of there's a different rule structure in one person's house, one parent's house than there is in the others.

Pam Allan: Yeah. It's going to be difficult in any situation.

Corey Allan: And so she's already on the right track in a lot of ways by how do we navigate this proactively?

Pam Allan: And respect the other household.

Corey Allan: And that's the other big component of it is first off there's dignity and respect as human beings and as different roles that each of them play. But there's also an element of you know what, when we got our side of the aisle, that's what we're going to... We're going to follow the rules of our side of the aisle and our preferences or whatever it might be. And so a lot of times what I've seen with the families I've worked with over the years that this has come up for the couples is there's some reprogramming, debriefing in a sense of an adjustment period time. Like when a kid's been over at the parent's house, that's a lot more loose or a lot more strict or just a different structure. Some of the families I've come across that have done this the best they've given about a day to allow a kid to re acclimate.

Pam Allan: Right. Which could get tiring over time. Because every time they come back, if you're flipping weeks or whatever the case may be, it's every time.

Corey Allan: But it's already tiring in the best of scenarios.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because of the situation, right? Because co-parenting in that kind of separate household, structure is difficult and the best of circumstances. That's why for a while there for the couples that could afford it, they started a whole process called nesting where the parents changed the house, not the kid. The parents just swapped out. Kids lived in the same house the whole time.

Pam Allan: Right. So it's consistent.

Corey Allan: But there's still different rules and values and things that come in with that, that are still adjusting. So they would give a little bit of a breather in a sense of don't just come down harsh right away of now you're back in my rules and give a little adjust of time, have a conversation with the kids, particularly when you know they're older and they grasp it more. But then when you add in a different factor, like she's describing of a parent, a co-parent is now in a same sex relationship. So she's asking the right questions from what I'm hearing of, we want to value her. We may not agree with her.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But we want to value her and treat her with respect and dignity. And that's what you do.

Pam Allan: That's what you do, because that's then what gets modeled to the child. You don't have to say that what they're doing is something you agree with. I mean, there's going to be a point where you have those conversations...

Corey Allan: Yep.

Pam Allan: ... About relationships, about what you believe is right and wrong and have those as straight forward conversations. But those conversations can be had. I mean, and you can do those from integrity and with love involved in it.

Corey Allan: Right? Yeah. And that's the premise of even in a two parent household, like our situation, we still have things where we don't completely agree on things.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And it can be civil and respectful and it doesn't work itself out necessarily cleanly all the time, but it still doesn't have to spiral...

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: ... Out of control. But the big question I'll hear from a lot of people when they,= hear this voicemail is "Yeah. But that's a completely different moral framework."

Pam Allan: It is.

Corey Allan: And so that then makes me start to think the question I would hear is, "But how do I get my kids to accept and choose my values right. Of what I want." That's what every parent wants in the some regards, if I want them to follow the moral framework, I've got to because it's worked for me. So I want them to do it too. I want to instill Christian values or love or service or biblical teachings, whatever it is that you hold dear. And the thing I keep coming back to on this concept, Pam is the idea that values are caught far more than they are taught.

Pam Allan: Right. So they're going to do it based on your actions, not based off of what you tell them.

Corey Allan: Right. Which this is why I applaud the way she's asking this question because she's trying to do it in a respectful manner, which sounds like it's the values they want to instill in their kids.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Is I want to still be respectful of people that I may not agree with their choices.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But they're still a person.

Pam Allan: Right. And I can respect that.
And the kids, even though... I mean, you go through, I don't remember. She didn't say how old the kiddo is...

Corey Allan: No. That she did not.

Pam Allan: I mean, you think of the cycle that the kids go through and there's always that piece of the journey where it feels like they're not listening to a thing we say, or they're given pushback or whatever, but they're listening. So I guess it's just that stamina to stick with you living from integrity.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: For them to see that and continue to just see you respecting them as they struggle with it. Because the reality is they're going to struggle with which parent do I listen to? Which is right? How do I decipher? Because your kid is in a totally different scenario than you ever will be. And you're never going to be able to understand that.

Corey Allan: No, but that's where I think you start to challenge your framework of which one is right, versus how am I an ally or an advocate or a support for my kid to age appropriately.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right. Because there's elements as they get older, like in our case right now with our kids being teenagers, there's big sections of time where it feels like we've just been dismissed as parents.

Pam Allan: Definitely. Yeah.

Corey Allan: You're not needed anymore. I've got this mom and dad.

Pam Allan: Definitely.

Corey Allan: Oh. Oh, okay. So that's where you have to look at it is this isn't about right. Because if I want to get in there, I'm creating a big fight at that point.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And then...

Pam Allan: That's not to help anything been done.

Corey Allan: Totally.

Pam Allan: Gosh, I've been ready to just say get the heck out of my room.

Corey Allan: Not yet. But there's just that element of the stance I take matters and I give latitude to let people struggle and let people wrestle with stuff to figure stuff out. Because that's where we grow. In my desire, your desire of us wanting to no, no, no. I still want to impart stuff. I still want to... We got to wrestle with no, all we can do is influence. All we can do is ask good questions. All we... And then that's kind of the same thing I think you do in co-parent situations.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: You be a support. You be a helper. You ask, how can I cheer you on? How can I help you in the things as they're older? But then there's also the elements of living what I'm trying to instill.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: That's the main component of it. An email came in that says I'm a big fan of the show. I've been listening to the podcast for years and have recommended it to friend an even relatives. So thank you for that. So how do you get out of a bedroom rut or slump? My wife and I seem to be in one now. We're in a stressful period of life. Three teenagers, three different schools, three different sports, a mom with Alzheimer's, getting my mom's house fixed up to rent out. My wife's booming, but super busy business, buying some investment real estate, et cetera. Man, I'm tired just reading that.

Pam Allan: Yeah, no kidding.

Corey Allan: The stress has caused friction between us and not the good kind. This has spilled into the bedroom. I'm feeling like I'm not getting much action because there's always something more urgent. Our last three encounters I failed to perform. I had premature ejaculation twice and I lost my erection the third. I know that it's just the bad combination of over excitement and performance anxiety, but how do we get out of this rut? I can sense that my wife has a lot of pent up stress. I think she needs a good release of tension. The kind that loud sex with multiple orgasms can provide. I told her so, and she didn't disagree, but the planets, must be aligned for that kids out of the house and both of us in the right frame of mind, a tough combination. And then we both feel so much pressure, me as the pursuer and she as the pursued. Ah, thanks.
This is a tough season and...

Pam Allan: Yeah, they're going through a lot.

Corey Allan: There are a lot going on. There are a lot of things going on and on a larger scale for other people in the audience, there's a lot that's going on. I'm seeing a lot of the malaise of pandemic fatigue, anxiety, fear associated with it. That is kind of manifesting itself in this. It's not quite apathy, but it's close in a lot of people. And so I hear this as, okay, so they can come together with their conversations on this. So they've recognized sex is a good avenue for support, avenue for relief, avenue for connection, release of tension, all the different aspects of it. So that's good. That's already a good marker. Because some couples would have the... Even the initiation of that conversation would just add a shutdown.

Pam Allan: Yeah. That's all you think about. I can't do this. I'm too stressed. Yeah. Whatever the case may be.

Corey Allan: Right. So how do you get out of the rut is oftentimes one person has to lead it and it's not necessarily in the bedroom. Because far too often, what happens is couples try to get caught in this whole, okay. We got to break out of this sexual rut. Right. And it's usually led by the higher desire as is case here. And even when you got your other partner, your spouse is on board and recognizes the value of it. It's not high enough up the hierarchy of importance for them to be on board to make it easy.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Not with everything else going on.

Corey Allan: Right. Because just, there's all these other tensions out there that are waring against you that are very easy to invade between you rather than seeing it as no we're aligned against this. So if I want to break out of a rut, I have to break out of that rut. Which often means I change the way I interact with my spouse. I change the way I interact with my world. I do the things that bring life or joy or relief or fun or passion or whatever it might be. And then I also do it in the whole element of foreplay for foreplay and in foreplay.

Pam Allan: Okay. What does that really mean?

Corey Allan: So it's the idea of how I interact with my spouse with the sexual energy realm. That's the foreplay for foreplay. That's the comments that I, where you can have these conversations where you agree you're in line with and like, yeah, that would be really good. And so when you see her come home and she's wigging out and she's rubbing her neck, because it's just so sore and you're like, I've got the perfect remedy for that. A multiple orgasm loud wake the neighbors night. And that might bring a little bit of a smirk. Like your face is right now. That's a boost of energy. That's a different thing to the rut.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because too often we think, how do I get out of a sexual rut means it just takes place sexually.

Pam Allan: Right? You make that comment playfully as opposed to, we really just need to have more sex. Right. Or something like that.

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: That's when you're stressed about it.

Corey Allan: Right. I have the magic Elixir...

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... That will solve of this dilemma when you're interested or when you're ready.

Pam Allan: It may work. It may not. If she's in a bad mood, it may not.

Corey Allan: But if you're playful about it and you handle her reaction, if it's negative, well you just keep right on going.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And that changes the dynamic, that changes the rut.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And this is all built off of the premise that SARS has that what we do in our four place sets the level of depth that we'll have in our intercourse actions, in our sex actions. Right. Because if I think about it, I'm setting up, what's going to happen in bed by how I'm doing my day to day in a lot of ways.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So it's recognizing all right. I can't just go to the end of this conclusion of how do I change this up? I got to change it up beforehand too.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So add a little layer of fun or passion or enjoyment that brings a breath of air.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: To the situation.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Take her away for a cup of coffee where it's not going to be sex that night necessarily, but it's a break.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Together.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And it's a chance to breathe and it's a chance because a lot of times tell me if I'm wrong for this. If a lower desire wife has all these other things inundating her. Sometimes she just needs a little of that pressure on her to get a bigger reminder of yeah. That does provide a lot of good for me. You're right. And that kind of gets some things, a little more percolating. And then you just follow that through.
It's an email that came in from a husband that says I'm so angry right now. My wife and I had had a discussion about two Saturdays days ago and we'd agreed to have sex every other Sunday with the opposite being some sort of sensual time in bed. So this Sunday came and by no fault of her own, because she was on her period, I made all of my moves, sex coupons early in the week and sexy texts on Sunday, she's entering menopause. And just when she thought she had and it ended on Saturday. Nope.
So he went to bed and I massaged her breasts. I enjoy this. But when she doesn't feel it or get into it, it just feels empty. So we were in bed. I roll over because I'm getting no reciprocation from her. I would've gladly accepted some sort of intimacy with her. However I felt no sexual energy coming back my way. So I rolled over and tried to go to sleep. She asked what's wrong. I said, I really don't want to talk about it. She repeated the question. I said, I know it's not your fault, but I was really looking forward to our date tonight.
She said, you're so inconsiderate. It's always about the sex. You need to get a grip on it. I said that it's a need that I have. And she stated in reply, it's not a need. It could be a want or a desire, but it's certainly not a need. And I replied with, I would certainly like to have sex once a week. She said to me that we need to find a more positive place to put that frustration. She said, do you realize how unempathetic you sounded? It's not your fault, but, that really hurt me. I'm going to school full time, taking care of the house and the kids. And this is what I get.
I told her, I understand. And I still want to make some time for us. She stated that I just pushed that down inside of me. And you should too. This is why I'm angry. I just want to carve out once a week for sex. It doesn't need to be an all evening affair. We discussed a 45 minute to an hour timeframe. I'd rather it be longer, but that's beside the point. Don't tell me to push it down and ignore my desire. I'm just so tired of trying and then getting shot down all the time. I just feel like giving up on it. So we got a classic gridlock going on here.

Pam Allan: Yeah. That just is painful to listen to and more painful for him to walk through. So it sounds like they had an agreement on something they'd do. And then when it...

Corey Allan: And I'm interested...

Pam Allan: ... Can't be quote unquote fulfilled.

Corey Allan: Yeah. And I'm interested in this because this is one of those things that so many couples across the timeframes have tried to figure out a way to navigate their way around this dilemma. That's where the idea of scheduling sex comes in. That's where the idea of the sex coupons comes in. That's where the ideas of some of the games that are out there, come in. All these different things to try to increase the likelihood the sex can happen. And we agree on stuff, but stuff gets in the way. I mean like the segment right before. Life has a lot of pressures. And so there's a couple of different things that jump out to me in this is, I am curious the parameters of which the agreement unfolded. What was going on when that happened?

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Was it just truly an agreement because she's just tired of talking about it and she's like, fine? I'll give into it. Because at that point it's already doomed.

Pam Allan: Right. Right. Or was she totally saying, yeah, I want to do this?

Corey Allan: Right. Which that's what I'm curious about out because the statement she made in there of, I can push it aside. Why can't you, which that's not apples to apples. Right. It's easier for the lower desired spouse in a lot of ways because it's just not high up the hierarchy.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Am I...

Pam Allan: I think you're making a general assumption.

Corey Allan: I am making a broadest assumption with that.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But I'm just curious about the idea of his route, of how he's going about this makes it... The way it's all worded. It is very, very sexual encounter focused. Even though he says I would settle for other forms of intimacy with her. I'm curious what that actually would be.

Pam Allan: Gotcha. You're saying. So it doesn't... To you, it doesn't sound like it's desire and a connection it's just looking for release.

Corey Allan: That's what it sounds like. At least it's higher up the quadrant of the percentage of what's going on. If, I mean, I try to lately I've landed on a lot of the different things that we desire or go after in life. I encapsulate a lot of that in a pie chart because it's not just pure one thing.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: Right. It's a lot of things and need is in there. Desire for release is in there. Connection is in there. Novelty is in there. Love, pleasure.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Deep profoundness.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: All of those are in there and it just sounds like the pie of need and the way he's framed it in his mind is incredibly high. And she's reading that, which makes it then what do you need me for, if that's all you're looking for? That's not appealing to her possibly.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So it's recognizing there's a dilemma that's at play. And so then it comes down to, how do you address the moves each side are making better?

Pam Allan: Okay. Okay. I'm tracking you.

Corey Allan: Okay. Because here's where I want to land. This is kind of what we've done in some of the extended content in the past where we do the mind mapping scripts.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And the dialogue that goes on between people and he rolls over to try to go to sleep. Okay. Was it just a regular normal kind of a rollover or was it the rollover and a huff? Because I'm trying to also deliver a message with my rollover. This is what we do as people.

Pam Allan: And that's where it is con... You always bring back, how do you react? Right. When you get rejected, how do you react? Because what you react is setting you up for the next time.

Corey Allan: It plays a factor in it. Absolutely.

Pam Allan: Right. If I pout... And granted, it's hard not to do when you feel like you're being rejected over and over and over and over.

Corey Allan: Okay. But I think there... Let me detour real quick.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because I do believe when you get a rejection as the higher desire spouse, or even as a lower desire, when you get rejected, you can express disappointment without it being an attack.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right. Without it being a subtle...

Pam Allan: Because you are disappointed. Yes.

Corey Allan: That's the truth. That's the clean you are reading my map correctly. I'm disappointed. That's the difference. Versus I roll over and I send the message of I'm mad, because I can even do that too. Of like, I'm mad about this, but do I treat you ill because of it?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Am I inappropriate because of it?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That's a whole different connotation with the messages. So if you see it as he rolls over and so then that triggers something in her of what's wrong, which is always so funny because...

Pam Allan: She knows what's wrong.

Corey Allan: Couples know enough about the dynamic that just unfolded. So then you start getting into the struggle of, okay, I asked a question, do you really want the answer? Right. Because that's where they both now have gone off the path of the old route that they go.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Of this is all you want, it's inconsiderate. And he's like, but I just want to connect once a week. I just... And that's, we're back to the same banging the head against the wall.

Pam Allan: Yeah. And does she want a husband that doesn't want to connect with her? That's always a funny one to me there. They always... There's always two sides to it, but...

Corey Allan: Right. So here's a...

Pam Allan: I'm getting mad because my husband wants to connect with me?

Corey Allan: That's a fair point. But since she didn't email in and I don't know if she's a listener, I don't want to go too far there. I want to go with the guy.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: With the husband.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because when he rolls over, that sent a signal and when she says what's wrong, then what's the cleaner answer? I'm disappointed with how everything went tonight?

Pam Allan: I feel like an agreement we had was totally backed out on.

Corey Allan: It didn't happen.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And that's it. I don't have to... I'm not attacking, I'm calling out the dynamic. And what we often do is we think that's either an attack or I go far beyond that, which is an attack. Rather than seeing it as no, I'm just calling out the elephant in the room. One of my mastermind groups they've come up with the main gridlock thing that keeps coming up as we're talking.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: One of the guys, I love it. He's actually named it. He's named the elephant in the room. They've given him a name.

Pam Allan: Okay, nice.

Corey Allan: I'm not going to say it on the ear cause I would give it away.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: But it's just, I started thinking of, okay, we've got a couple of different things. So when Harold shows up...

Pam Allan: Right, Dumbo's in the room, here we go.

Corey Allan: That could work too. But it's like if something went poorly in this scenario and let's say this gridlock issue, the elephant in the room was named Harold and they had already been able to claim it as such. He rolls over and she's like, what's wrong. Harold made a presence and I'm disappointed. Because it didn't go the way I was hoping it would. That's a more mature integrity kind of a move. Because otherwise I think we start trying to navigate and figure out how do I manipulate to get what I want or get my point across or whatever, rather than just call out cleaner what it is.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: The fear in that is for most people, I think, myself included. If I call out what it really is, what do I do then?

Pam Allan: How does spouse respond? Again, go back to that one step at a time.

Corey Allan: Yeah. That's the idea.

Pam Allan: Because I think we get into this routine of troubleshooting and trying to think through every scenario that might happen in the future. We borrow trouble trying to think of all those scenarios rather than just thinking, okay, this move is from integrity. And here I am, I'm going to call out the elephant room and I'm going to take the next best step based on that response.

Corey Allan: And part of the reason of having a cleaner response in that scenario is neither one of them are in the framework to really unpack it at that moment. It just happened.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right. We get too caught up in our emotions that are tied to things at that point. That's why most couples, when it comes to their sex life... When I talk to the couples when we first start working, they'll tell me, oh, we talk about it at times like, oh, is that when it goes poorly? Okay, well you don't solve stuff then very well.

Pam Allan: Then you're just creating more problems. Because your emotions are thrown out....

Corey Allan: Possibly. You got more collateral damage for sure. Yep. So it's recognizing... Because that's what he was saying. I really didn't want to talk about it. But she asked again, because she did right. Because each person wants to claim their plight in the scenario as if one is higher or more important than the other. When in reality there's no hierarchy here. Each person's plight is their plight and it matters.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So when you can call it out, then you follow it up with, I'm going to address my part in it better in the long run. That's how you use the pressure within you better. Because that pressure doesn't go away. That elephant stays around. But Harold can maybe be a little bit smaller. He can go on a diet if we get better at addressing him.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And then maybe, well he will have some friends come over eventually because a different one's going to come in. Right. But...

Pam Allan: Hopefully they're smaller.

Corey Allan: And maybe they are like Dumbo. They can fly.

Pam Allan: They can fly away, out of my house.

Corey Allan: Well it feels like it's been a while since we've sat down and done this, like a full show. You and I.

Pam Allan: It has. Yeah. We've had a lot of guests lately.

Corey Allan: And we got a whole lot more in the queue. It's been kind of fun interviewing people and...

Pam Allan: Yeah. Lots of good information.

Corey Allan: And having voices on the air again that are beyond us and kind of getting out there with some of the different things are going on in the marriage world. It's great to hear from people. And there's some fun ones coming up too.

Pam Allan: I'm looking forward to hearing.

Corey Allan: I met a researcher that's coming up in 2022.

Pam Allan: That means Corey's geeking out with somebody.

Corey Allan: She might be my new best friend. Well, if we left something undone with what we today we want to know, we want you to let us know 214-702-9565. Feedback at sexymarriageradio.com. And if you weren't following along in the first segment, when my wife did the sex ed quiz, she only missed three.

Pam Allan: What? I didn't think I missed that many.

Corey Allan: You did.

Pam Allan: Oh man.

Corey Allan: But they're still pretty good. Because some of those are like how often do people just regularly think about those things?

Pam Allan: Well obviously I don't.

Corey Allan: That's a whole nother rabbit trail to go down. Well this been Sexy Marriage Radio. We are so grateful each and every week that you take a little bit of time to spend it with us and we wish you all the best this holiday season and hope to see you again, next time.