On the Regular version of today’s show …
It’s Feedback Wednesday so we answer listener’s emails and voicemails.
A husband is more well-endowed than his petite wife is able to receive without anxiety and even pain. How can they navigate this kind of size difference?
A voicemail with a thought we missed on Episode #580, where a husband wanted to go down on his wife after climaxing inside her.
A wife went to the hospital to deliver a baby and came home with a different body. At least that’s what her husband says.
On the Xtended version …
We’ve talked a lot about how we get in our own way when you’re the higher desire spouse for sex. Could this also be true when you’re the higher desire spouse for emotional intimacy?
A husband has lost his erection several times and now is struggling while his wife is pregnant. She takes it personally – and so does he. What can they do?
Enjoy the show!
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Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, smrnation.com.
Corey Allan: Welcome to something new here, Pam, feedback Wednesday.
Pam Allan: This is fun. I like it.
Corey Allan: I'm your host, Dr. Corey Allan. And as you've already heard my wife, Pam.
Pam Allan: This is me. I'm Pam.
Corey Allan: Also known as the voice of all wives on the planet, the lower desire spouse.
Pam Allan: Well, that makes it sound like every wife is the lower desire.
Corey Allan: The devil in the details woman, my wife, Pam.
Pam Allan: Hi, good to be here.
Corey Allan: So on Sexy Marriage Radio, our mission is to explore topics that help every couple face the things that are just going to inevitably happen in marriage and what we've been doing recently is doing some more deep dive into content and with guests. And then today's episode is Feedback Wednesday, where we take emails and voicemails and messages that have come in and we answer them because Sexy Marriage Radio's always been listener driven radio and the idea is we want to help everybody have a better understanding of how relationships work. And what's interesting is because, let's just jump right into Feedback Wednesday, because one of the things that's happened on Feedback that we've got, the last three episodes, we've had a different open and trying a different style.
Pam Allan: Met to various responses.
Corey Allan: Both sides of the equation. Some love it, some, "What's going on? I don't like this at all." So what we're trying to do is make sure the mission of Sexy Marriage Radio stays out in front of everybody, which is the main idea of helping couples frame conversations in their relationships, and go where it will help them the most, but also go deeper and provide good information from some of the smartest relationship minds on the planet.
Pam Allan: Exactly.
Corey Allan: And so the past couple of weeks, if they're new and you haven't been around to the show, we've been covering a couple different things and I think worth point out, we had Jennifer Findlayson Fife, where we talked about obligation sex. We went back into the archives with Dr. Glover talking about the nice guy.
Pam Allan: Good info inaudible
Corey Allan: And how to set a tone and the importance of showing up. And then last week's was sex every day. And so if you've missed those shows, jump back and catch everything we've had in the past couple of weeks because I think it's worth having. And then on today's show, we're going to go with your emails and some more feedback that's come in. And on the extended content, we're going to keep going with the emails and content that's come in and go where the nation wants us to go because we all get better when we help each other out.
Pam Allan: So our first email says, "I am fairly new to the SMR Nation, but I love the frank discussion and am learning a lot. Thank you for providing the service. My wife and I have been married for four years, but have known each other for about 17. We waited until marriage and we're having some difficulty overcoming a few issues.
Well, she's quite petite everywhere and I'm well-endowed. Sex is infrequent and often painful for her and it rarely lasts very long because of her discomfort. I try to listen to her and be gentle and we always use lube and I'm willing to do whatever she needs to get her excited. Despite her gorgeous body, she's fairly shy in the bedroom and I'm much more adventurous, so that makes doing even common things like oral sex rare. It goes without saying that I'm the higher desire and have quite a strong drive. I know with some work, we can have an amazing sex life that helps bring us closer and leads to even more intimacy and fun. I'm sure I'm not the only guy who feels like I do, so any help or direction that you could offer is much appreciated."
Corey Allan: There's a couple different things that come out of this, Pam, that I hear. And I'm curious what you hear as well, but we've got the physical component and aspect of things and then we've got the mental side of things and we can even throw in the emotional side of things here, too. Let's start with the physical.
Pam Allan: Perfect. Let's go there.
Corey Allan: Because this is one of those things that yes, there is oftentimes where you can come across a huge discrepancy in sizes. You marry somebody that's a lot smaller than you are or a lot larger than you, depending on which side of the equation you're bringing to the picture. There's a couple different things you can do when it comes to physical discrepancies like you're talking about here, where he's more endowed than she is capable of receiving.
One of the things is just, you start looking at some of these different techniques for her comfort and control. And one of the ones, if you want to try penetrative sex, is if you're talking about well-endowedness, as far as length, not necessarily girth or size around, but the length of his penis, your hand or her hand around the base of the shaft during intercourse, particularly if she's on top, gives her a lot more control of how far do you go, how slow, all around the board. You can do that in a lot of different positions. Easiest is her on top because it allows her to really get control or her in your lap because if you're seated, then it's harder to go as deep, if you're sitting up and she's sitting on your lap.
Pam Allan: You can do that even with him on top.
Corey Allan: You can, absolutely.
Pam Allan: It's doable. You just got to be pretzel a little bit.
Corey Allan: Right, but it's just the willingness for each of you to have the awareness of what are the things that bring out the anxiety or the uncertainties or the insecurities when it comes to what you've tried in the past because we're going to trigger and activate these things again. And so it's recognizing some of this will feel a little more laboratorishness or experimental. It won't necessarily be filled with all kinds of passion because you're trying to ... I mean, you can have tastes of this, but it's this idea of how are you recalibrating with each other? How are you remapping with each other to show, "This is something I'm interested in. You have control, honey, and we go where you want to go." And there's a tension that comes with that, but there's also a learning that comes with that.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Well, I think it doesn't even have to be laboratorish. Yeah, maybe it feels that way as you're figuring it out, but I think even with talking that specific ... Is technique the right word?
Corey Allan: Mm-hmm, or position.
Pam Allan: Position. She can find ways that also tantalize him even more with that, just the way she uses her hands in maybe stopping so much of the penetration, but there can also be extra touch that she gives him that makes it even more sensational for him at the same time.
Corey Allan: Which then goes into the mental side of it, because he's saying he's more outgoing, she's more shy, and that's, what story are you each telling yourself? Because he probably gets into, I'm going to guess and speculate from my listening to people and then also my journey with you. We can get into the map we have from when we first met and first get married and first venture into a sexual relationship with each other. It's hard to rewire that and remap that later. And so you see a facial expression and you immediately go, "Oh, she's checked out. Oh, she's scared. Oh, she doesn't want to do this," rather than, "Hold on."
Pam Allan: That may not be where she is.
Corey Allan: Where's the story you're telling yourself in real time with what's being presented now? Same for her, because she may not see herself as somebody that's capable of engaging with somebody when there is a big size difference. She may not recognize that she could be capable. I mean, the vagina is one of the most elastic tissues there is and so it's recognizing ...
Pam Allan: But I don't want listeners to hear you saying that just because it's elastic, all of a sudden she's miraculously going to be able to inaudible the giant penis.
Corey Allan: No, but the mental component that goes with that plays into this picture, that if I have anxieties and reserves around that, I'm going to immediately not tense up some. That's why there's a physical component and then there's a mental component. They both matter and you need to recognize both and then have steps towards both to really see what are the best routes we can do to navigate this. And then it just becomes a conversation, where you each get the opportunity to address the spouse you have, not the one you wish they were, because her story can be the same. "I just wish he didn't want this as much. I just wish that he didn't want this way," or his can also be, "I wish she was willing to do this," or "I wish this was easier that way," rather than, "Okay, but what am I really facing?"
And when we can orient towards that, now we can, all of a sudden, have the possibility of collaborating to create elegant solutions and then figure out how do we explore some of the other arenas, because he was talking about even things like oral sex are rare. Well, sounds like they've dabbled in some other arenas, but a lot of times I think what keeps us from wanting to venture into those is the story I tell myself is, "I don't see myself doing that. I don't see myself enjoying that because the first time I did it, first time I tried it, it went horribly or I didn't like it," or whatever. Well, doesn't mean you get back into it and try it again, but you examine the story of, "What was the other side of this equation?"
Pam Allan: Yeah. Why didn't I like it? What was it about?
Corey Allan: Or could I? Could I enjoy it? Would this be? What if I had a little more view of my superpower that I have of providing pleasure for both of us? And I bring that to the story. Now, all of a sudden I get a chance to rewrite the journey.
Pam Allan: You say providing pleasure for both of us, but so often, I would get in my own way of not even being willing to provide pleasure for myself and allow myself to be provided pleasure, so I think there's a lot of that gets in the way. And maybe, I don't know if she's a listener too, or if it's just him, that we get in our own way.
Corey Allan: Yeah, we do. We all need to learn in various stages in our life, repeatedly, to get out of our own way.
Speaker 4: Hi, I'm thinking back to episode 580 and the email question from a listener regarding lingerie and also going down on his wife after he climaxed inside her. You and Pam seemed confused about the oral sex part of this. If he loses his desire to go down on his wife after climaxing inside her, then why even talk about it or bring it up? Or if you do want to do it, then just do it, but I think you might have missed the point.
I can relate to the person who asked the question. I also have a fantasy of going down on my wife after climaxing inside her. It's a very arousing idea and a recurring exciting fantasy of mine, but I also completely lose my desire to follow through after climaxing. I think it's maybe a brain chemistry thing. After you get your flood of dopamine with orgasm, I think you lose your drive to continue with the sex, is really something so taboo or kinky. So I don't think it's just as simple as, "Stop saying it if you're not actually going to want to follow through," or "Just go ahead and do it." In my experience, I'm really looking forward to it and aroused by the idea of following through up until the moment of truth.
So that still begs the question, what should he do? I'd say he has two options. Number one, either just know yourself and come to be content with the idea that you're going to lose the desire after you orgasm. And in this case, yes, you might as well stop talking about it and see if you can even stop thinking about it. When the thought comes up, just say to yourself, "Yeah, right. I know that never works, whatever. It's just unrealistic and will just have to be an unfulfilled fantasy."
The other option, if your wife is actually open to this activity, then ask her if she'll participate in it by having her literally push your head down on her after you do climax in her. In my case, and this has only happened a couple of times over several years, when my wife has forced me to go down on her after I climax inside, this has been enough for me to overcome my hesitation and to go through with it and this leads to very satisfying acting out of my fantasy and I can move on from it, that is unsatiated for weeks after.
Well, in order for the second option to work, you'll certainly have to have a conversation about it ahead of time, so communication is as important, as usual. You'll have to tell her, "I want to do this, but I know I'll probably lose my desire after I climax. Are you open to helping me fulfill my fantasy by forcing me to follow through?" That's just my 2 cents on something that I don't think you quite understood. Thanks for answering the question and thanks for your show. Bye.
Corey Allan: So this is the feedback that comes in from other people when they hear questions that come in and then also our take, that our take is just our take. It's not the only one out there.
Pam Allan: Yep. This is his take.
Corey Allan: And so it's great to have a rounding out of it. I think I do want to land on two points from this. One is the idea of, there are a lot of people that actually lose a drive after orgasm that he's alluding to, because it's a refractory period, is the way you think of it biologically, but it also is a coming down off of a flood of hormone and chemicals and reactions. And so there can be this element of what was real tantalizing at the buildup that ... That can be a real factor that after I've climaxed, then there's this, "Oh." It's a, "Well, what was I wanting to do? I don't ..." and then all of a sudden, I just don't have ...
Pam Allan: Is it more like a, "I'm good," or is it, "Yeah, I inaudible"
Corey Allan: inaudible across the board because I've I've had clients that talk about after orgasm, don't touch them. Everything's way too sensitive. I've had some that have talked about after orgasms, they can be on the verge of tears. I mean, the one that's real known in society is after a man orgasms, he's going to quickly fall asleep. It's that element of, that is a factor, absolutely. The other is recognizing the collaboration of possibly bringing your partner in on it, too.
Pam Allan: Which it sounds like he and his spouse have done.
Corey Allan: Which that's a great bonding activity for the two of them then, to say, "Hey, I really want to try this. I think you might like it, too," or "We've tried in the past, you did like it, so help me out in this," because that's pushing us, that's the beauty to me, babe, of marriage can take us places we can't go on our own.
Pam Allan: Yeah. They sound like that true teamwork going on theirs.
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Pam Allan: Dear Dr. Corey and Pam, I'm 16 months postpartum and my husband says I went to the hospital and came back a different person. Obviously, I came back a mother with a tiny human to care for, but he specifically means sexually. First, before getting pregnant, we had very active sex life. Daily and even multiple times per day on the weekends was often our normal. Second, I had a very traumatic labor that left me feeling out of control of my body. I've managed to work through the feelings of lacking control, but I still do not have the desired levels I used to or my husband seems to remember me having. He says that I've lost my sexual presence, I don't show interest the same way I used to, and that I don't respond the way I used to. Things that used to work don't have the same reaction.
I think maybe before baby, I had a spontaneous libido and now it's more responsive. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was I did differently before the baby to try and mimic it now. But either way, even at three to five times per week, he is struggling with the change. I'm struggling with the fact that I don't offer the same sexual satisfaction that I used to or that my body doesn't react like I want it to. I would give anything for it to be as easy as it used to be for me to find sexual pleasure, but it's frequently elusive. After nursing for a year, any pulling on my breast feels like someone just stretching out taffy, nothing but pressure and skin. It's so disappointing. I know that I'm not broken, but I feel broken. Any advice for coming back to normal or finding a happy and healthy new normal, where both are satisfied after the baby? Thank you.
Corey Allan: Yeah. This is one of those things that, I would imagine, there's a lot of people that are listening to you read this out there in the nation that are going, "Yep. Been there. Yep. Remember that." And it only gets exaggerated and magnified when you're going through anything that has the traumatic component she talks about with a traumatic labor. And then what happens to your body when you're nursing and what happens to your body postpartum and what happens to ... I mean, because everything is so out of whack. And so first off, we say this as a common theme through a lot of times in our show, in history, we don't go backwards. So the body and the person you were prior to having a child, done. That chapter is done. You've got a new chapter though.
Pam Allan: Yes. We're on to the next chapter.
Corey Allan: And then it just comes down to what's the story you tell yourself about this chapter because when you look at it, you have marked something wonderful and miraculous together of a new life has been brought into the world. Obviously, when you have a new child, she made the comment, "I came home from the hospital a different person."
Pam Allan: Truly.
Corey Allan: Right. I came home a mother.
Pam Allan: Came home a mother. Girl also came home with a body that had been banged around a little bit.
Corey Allan: Right, yeah. Because trauma from childbirth is real for some women, for sure, some less so than others, but I actually had somebody email a while back, a message to me, that he was convinced his wife had some sort of sexual trauma in her past because there was something markedly different as he looked back over the course of their marriage, and they'd been married for quite a while, and then it finally dawned on him. She had all kinds of traumatic labor experiences.
Well, that easily equates to our sex lives because you're talking about the same genitalia, the same experiences together, the same outcomes. There's so many different things that our brain will make sense of, not always in most productive ways. She made the comment, "I got the sense I can get back into more control of my body." I'm curious what that means. I would love to hear the phrases of, "I know I'll handle when I feel out of control. I can reorient towards that," because that's part of her path forward, to me, is she's involved in something sexual and something's not working the way she wants it to. It's not a sense of why she didn't get back in control. It's like, "I need to reorient, knowing I can handle this." I can say, "Hold on, honey. Not that right now. I want to do this or I just want to lay here for a minute. Let me see if I can get my head back in the game. Let me see if I can reconnect. Let me see if I can get responsive to you."
Pam Allan: So it's more trying to control my mental state rather than the physical aspects that maybe I can't at this point. Is that what you're saying?
Corey Allan: Right, because every single one of us as human beings are going to face the fact that some point in life, if it hasn't already happened, things aren't going to work the way they used to. I'll recognize I'll handle that when it happens and I'll just adjust. I'll do what's necessary. I'll take the courageous step forward to face it because that's where I am right now. And that's the comment she made that I want to jump on because she's already answered her own question. "I think maybe before I was spontaneous with my libido and now it's more responsive," so she and her husband had that conversation.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Good question. Interesting to me, I guess I throw out there and maybe it's pointless. He totally expected her to go through labor and have this kid at home and be exactly the same as she was before. That's an interesting perspective to me, that life has totally changed for the two of them.
Corey Allan: Right, but let's unpack that just real quick because, I think, objectively speaking, I think every one of us would go, "Yeah, that's unrealistic."
Pam Allan: And maybe that's just unrealistic when I'm on the other side of it.
Corey Allan: Yeah, but there's also that element of our expectation level, our story, the idealized paradigms that we bring into these things, that deep down ... On one level, I understand things are dramatically going to change, but deep down, I'm holding out hope that they won't. I'm holding out that I don't want to lose what I had. I don't want this to change, but we all face this in various ways, where we have this hope we're going to go visit somebody. We're going to go some event that we've put a lot of stock in and importance in and we go to it and it was really good, but deep down, I was still a little disappointed because it didn't live up to what I was hoping it would've.
Pam Allan: The expectations.
Corey Allan: But it's not on the conscious level as much, and this is where our sex lives can be so sneakily and dastardly for us, if you will, is because things can seem like on the surface, they're good and they're working and they're fine, but deep down something's just off. It's not as easy as it used to be. You're not the same person. And that's what thing gets magnified and blown up. And I don't realize the havoc is going to wreak on us without bringing that all to the surface to realize we need to have some more pointed conversations of, "Okay, honey. Things have dramatically changed." And I would say to if you hear this, ma'am, and you want to bring this up to him, if he's not a listener too, start the conversation with the baby in your arms of just like, "Okay, I want to talk about where we've been with our sex lives and where we are now and where I hope we can go. And one of the biggest changes, exhibit A," and you hold the baby up. "It's right here. This thing is sucking me dry, literally at times."
Pam Allan: Yeah. Right, right.
Corey Allan: Taffy.
Pam Allan: Taffy. Yes, my breasts are like taffy.
Corey Allan: Right. I'm changing, so I'm looking for some grace. And I don't know if you recognize the pressure and the impact that there is over what we've had, which we both loved, but what we still can have can be all the more deep and profound, but we both got to realize there's some growing pains to get to that.
Pam Allan: And so I guess from there, her recognition that she's not so spontaneous anymore, she's responsive, how can she bring hope there when responsive is good, right? That's not a bad thing. In that conversation, I guess, what do you say to the spouse to say, "Look, I'm in this with you, but I am more responsive now." Is she supposed to lay out ways for him to lead the charge?
Corey Allan: No. That's where then you start communicating more in the middle of encounters, of you be sure you confirm something that's actually working.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: "Oh, that feels good. Oh, yeah," or "Try another area," or "Slow down," or "I want to just lay here for a little bit and see." That's where both of you have to stretch into this, to see it as it's not what it used to be. Check, but it can be something more. And this goes also back to the idea we've talked about several times. One of the best techniques I've ever come across when you're trying to get into a dynamic better, sexually, is his hand on your stomach, your hand on his hand and you follow his connection with your brain.
Pam Allan: And guide him along the way.
Corey Allan: You guide him along at times, but you also just follow it and just get present with each other. Soak each other in and see if he can then guide you a little further, but you can also stop him and redirect as you need. It is just recognizing the breadth of variables have changed. There are so many more things at play. And so it's learning to lean into and grow into this, actually create something deeper and more profound. Well, babe, Feedback Wednesday. Got it done.
Pam Allan: They're my favorite. I like them.
Corey Allan: Well, I do, too.
Pam Allan: Mainly because I like being here with you.
Corey Allan: Oh. Well, transcripts are available in the show notes of each of the episodes pages. Also, all our advertisers' deals the discount codes are available on each of the episodes pages at smrnation.com. As we say each week, please consider those who support the show, support them. The greatest compliment you can give us is to share the show with those that you care about. And I love this phrase that I have been ending the last several weeks with. Remember that we improve those around us when we improve ourselves, so take on yourself first by applying what you hear on our show each week. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time.
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