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Help My Parents and Confronting Desire Differences #441

On the Regular version of today’s show …

An email from a listener about how to bring up the idea that his parents need counseling.

Plus a 2 part email from a higher desire wife who wants help addressing the desire difference and oral sex. 

On the Xtended version …

A discussion about how to recover from fights in married life.

Enjoy the show!

 

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or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio where we, last week we had a great honor of being invited to go to the WinShape Retreat Center just North of Atlanta, where there was a marriage collective going on. So a bunch of marriage influencers in the marriage ministry and marriage space were invited to come in for three days and hang out in a great facility.

Pam Allan: It's so beautiful.

Corey Allan: In Rome, Georgia, owned by the people that started Chick-fil-A.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). The Cathy family. Thank you so much for that. It was beautiful. Great time.

Corey Allan: It was a great, great couple of days. There's a lot of great people out there doing some good work for God's kingdom and for marriages and wanting them to not just survive, but to thrive.

Pam Allan: Absolutely.

Corey Allan: Which we are fortunate to count ourselves among them.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Because that's what we want here at Sexy Marriage Radio, is we want your marriage to thrive and we also want your sex life to thrive. Not just be something that's a part of the relationship, but to have it an important part of the relationship that's fulfilling for both of you. So that's what we like to have going on here, and one of the ways we know the directions we need to head each week with our shows because the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation does help steer this ship and you let us know by calling in at (214) 702-9565 and leaving any kind of voicemail question, topic, thought, feedback concern, praise, whatever you want to share, we want to hear it. You can also do that via email, at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, where that's where we're heading today, even, is just some of the, several of the things that have been in the inbox. We love to go where you want to go that will help you the most, and so alongside my wife Pam, as always.

Pam Allan: Hey everyone.

Corey Allan: We want to speak into what will help you. And that's our goal here at Sexy Marriage Radio and each and every week we thank you for spending some time with us, each and every week that you find us via however you listen to podcasts. And on that note, if you like what you hear, jump on iTunes, rate and review the show, leave a comment. Do the same on Stitcher, iHeartRadio, Spotify, however you listen, we want to spread the word that married sex can be a sacred and blessed and fantastic part of your relationship.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, couple of your questions and our answers, and on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer and no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com, we're going to go, a deep dive into how do you recover from a fight?

Pam Allan: Right, because we all have them, right?

Corey Allan: Pam and I had a doozy a couple of weeks ago and it was interesting, kind of-

Pam Allan: It has been awhile.

Corey Allan: It has been a while since we've had a good knock down drag out. Here's some of the things we took away from it and here's what research shows that will help and that's where we're heading in the extended content. So all that's coming up on today's show.

Corey Allan: This is from the inbox, Miss Pam, that it just says, "Hey Dr. Allen, I need help. Not for me and my beautiful wife, but for my parents, they need help. They're in their late sixties and gripey, grumpy old people to each other. They had my brother and I somewhat later in life and they've always been good roommates, hardly ever romantic even after 35 years of being married. Their attitudes towards each other are affecting my family as well as my brother's. How can I get them into counseling because they need it."

Pam Allan: Hmm. That's a touchy one because, I mean, tell me this, as a therapist, do you ever recommend that someone goes to a family member or anyone else and says, "You need counseling"?

Corey Allan: Well, context is king in this, because what he's asking I think is something that maybe lots of us that have parents that have been "stuck in their ways" that they have reached a level of just settling for what relationship is. Maybe they're just holding on for dear life until they move on from this dear life. And there's a lot of different things that people will do as they age. So there are times where yes, I think you could go to them and say, "You know what? I think this would really benefit you," because don't we all reach this point, Pam, where in some instances the kids start to parent their parents?

Pam Allan: We've seen that happen quite a bit. Right?

Corey Allan: Where at least I want to speak into something where I'm almost taking the role of a parent. Maybe I'm not the full caregiver yet because this is a couple that sounds like they're functioning, they're living, they're vibrant.

Pam Allan: They just don't enjoy being together it sounds like. And that definitely rubs off to family.

Corey Allan: Okay. But here's my question.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And this is to the emailer. "Is it that they don't enjoy each other?" I mean, is that data you've got? Has mom come to him and said, "I just can't stand your father anymore?" Or is it truly-

Pam Allan: Okay, that's a good point, because I just read that into being gripey and grumpy. That's my assumption, is that they don't actually-

Corey Allan: The one universal thing I have seen among the aged population is they get to a point where they just remove filters of how they live life, because they just really don't care what other people think of them as much.

Pam Allan: Valid.

Corey Allan: Right? There's this element of, "You know what? I'm 80 years old and I don't care if you think I smell, and I burp, and I'm inappropriate. I'm just going to be me." We had one in across the street.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: It was this way, and he just was a little more flippant about life. Not cold and disrespectful necessarily, but there's just an element, and so I have found a lot of couples as they age, the filter is removed and they are gripey, grumpy towards each other. But that's also, they're both okay with it. And if that's the case, getting them into counseling is not going to work.

Pam Allan: Okay. If that's not the case though, then how do you approach that with...

Corey Allan: Well, there's two different routes I would want to go with this one. One is if that's not the case and one of them has expressed, "You know what? This is not comfortable anymore, this is not fun anymore. We're just fighting, we're bickering with each other, we're pestering each other. It's nonstop and I can't get him or I can't get her," whichever it is.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Well then you align a little bit as a child with the one that's the most uncomfortable and offer them up the option of, "You know what? Counseling could work for you. Maybe he'll come or she'll come with you or maybe they won't, but you could still go by yourself," because they would be the one a little more open to the suggestion.

Pam Allan: It's more of an encouragement of, "Life can be better than this."

Corey Allan: Yes. Then that leads to the second route and this is where you start to use a little more of the leverage of the way you're living your life and you juxtapose it against theirs, because what he's describing is they're grumpy, gripey-ness is spilling over into his married life, and kids and family, and his brother's married life and family. So you come at it with the leverage of, "You know what Mom and Dad? Lately when I'm around you a whole lot more, the tone you have with each other, the grumpiness you have with each other, it is not enjoyable. It is starting to impact my family, and so you either need to work on that or we won't be around you as much."

Pam Allan: And that's valid, because that's you taking care of your own self.

Corey Allan: Yep.

Pam Allan: Right, and encouraging... So letting them know how it will affect them.

Corey Allan: That's the most collaborative approach to it.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That if they're open to, "Well, but I don't want to lose the chance to have time with you," then now you got a chance to go that deeper level of "Hey, here's an option." But if not, you're sitting powerless rather than if you come at it thinking, "Oh, I've got to get them help," rather than, "Nope, I have to just recognize their unwillingness to possibly get help, or recognize their own role in things is impacting me, so my boundaries will dictate. I got to start standing up for me, and I got to start looking out for my family."

Pam Allan: Right. Now this doesn't mean that I'm not going to be the child I'm supposed to be if you have illness or things like that. It doesn't mean I'm not going to be around-

Corey Allan: Don't cut them off, right.

Pam Allan: ... to help take care of you, but when we're talking about, "Hey, you want to get together for a family meal?" Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. If you're not taking care of your side of the deal or your side of the equation.

Corey Allan: Maybe I need to shift that to where, "I'll meet you guys for coffee."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And it's going to be a shorter at a public place. It's, "I'm still feeling like I'm living..." And this is a truism you and I have tried to follow with our parents as we're kind of in that sandwich world.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: That there's this element of when we as children, there can be this generational thing of we feel pulled to live up to what our parents think we are responsible for in regards to our relationship with them.

Corey Allan: "Well you would be a good son if you would X, Y, Z, you would be a good daughter if you would," whatever.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: The flip side of that is my job is to live up to what I deem I am responsible for under the label of good son or a good daughter, which means I still maintain contact. I still am supportive. I am there definitely when anything physically is needed, or mentally, or emotionally is needed. Because there's some taxing different things or finance... Just all the different things, depending on the position you're in with your parents, but it's not, they don't get to solely dictate the label of good son or good daughter because I have power now as a grownup.

Pam Allan: I think that gives probably freedom to a lot of people that feel like they're trying to meet someone else's expectations and they may not even fully know what those expectations are. They just have an idea of what they are.

Corey Allan: Correct, correct. It's being able to see it as, "I have to look out for my kids' wellbeing with my parents."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That there's this element of, "You know what? I love hanging out with you guys, well I have loved in the past hanging out with you guys, but lately not as much and it impacts my kids and I don't want to get in a situation where they don't want to come around." And this is where you have to be careful because you can't use your kids as the leverage for your mom and dad. So it's really you stepping in.

Pam Allan: You need to speak for yourself only.

Corey Allan: And talk and taking ownership of you. But that's the power, that's the leverage you've got with this.

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: Is being able to see it as, "This is how it's impacting me," as he's pointing out in his email. Now the question is, do you have the courage to bring that forward to Mom and Dad? Because it's going to be disruptive. They may not react well.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I mean, I guess you might find people kind of curling up to their, when they were teenagers again or something like that. Kind of that mindset. It's hard to potentially address Mom and Dad, especially if they're gripey, grumpy and you're pretty sure you're going to assume you're going to get that response, that same response.

Corey Allan: Here's the two things that have come true just from my life in the last couple of years in relationship with my parents.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: One, it's difficult to adult to another adult as a parent, right? Because it's hard to get out of that mantra of "I'm still the one down, I'm the child, 'Honor thy father and mother'," all of those kinds of things, and it's really difficult sometimes to come at them on an adult level. Where I'm not forcing you, and I'm not pitching a fit, and I'm not cutting you off. I'm speaking some truth.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: The other side of this, and this is what we alluded to, this isn't what he's necessarily asking, but the other side of this that I have found just recently is it's difficult to father a father.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: To have to kind of talk about some of the fathering aspects with your own father or with your own mother where it's like, "Hold on, there's some things I'm kind of seeing that this could be a helpful path," and oh and it feels kind of like I have taken a parental role with my parents and that's an odd place to be. So it's recognizing this is something I think that we grow and evolve to, because the fundamental of humanness is when we begin life and when we end life, we are taken care of.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That middle gap is where you want to be taking care of yourself as much as you possibly can.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: All right, so Pam, here's another email that came in and this one actually has a two parter.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: She says straight out, "Hey Dr. Allen, there's two areas I need your advice on."

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right. The first one, "My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He's the lower desire partner, so I'm the higher, we have sex about once a month and it's really good. He knows exactly what I like and I get multiple orgasms from intercourse and foreplay, but I want it more frequently. I've struggled a lot with the fact that I have a more higher sex drive than he does because it often makes me feel rejected and unwanted.

Corey Allan: I've heard from him that my pushing for sex makes him feel like sex is my biggest concern and my sole interest in him. Being the one who usually initiate sex is okay sometimes, but I do feel less desired. I want him to be more powerful and engaged and pounce on me sometimes. I've heard you talk about the lower, higher desire, but it's usually in the direction of men being the higher and I want your perspective on the woman higher desire and the dynamic that creates in the bedroom. So how can I approach this better?" So, that's part one.

Pam Allan: That's part one, we'll get to say... Okay.

Corey Allan: We'll table part two until after we answer this.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because this is something we've had come in before.

Pam Allan: Yeah definitely. We do use generics of the man being the higher desire and such. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Well there's also the element of, we've talked about specifically the woman as the higher desire, because it actually is more common than what we will take as the stereotype for sure, when we're talking high desire, low desire, but there is, 30% was what kind of research and what some of the different things I come across around that label, is the higher desire wife and so we've got some in the archives.

Pam Allan: Yeah, we've got episode 382, 318, 269, that one is called How The High Desire Wife Gets In Her Own Way. So there's some episodes out there.

Corey Allan: Definitely refer back.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Just as food for thought, refer back to those, but we're going to dive deeper into what you're talking about here.

Corey Allan: Yes, because to frame the conversation there is... Rejection is still rejection. It's a human thing we all that we all don't like, and I don't want to take this lightly as in well, men can handle rejection better.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: Men handle rejection different than most women but it still is a rejection. There still is a hurt. There still is a burden. But what I want to jump on is the sophistication of his response to her to keep her at bay.

Pam Allan: His response and being, "All you want me for is sex."

Corey Allan: Boom. Exactly. That, that's the sole thing you're interested in with me. So my question then to our emailer is, "How much of that is based in truth? How much of the other parts of your life with your relationship with him, with the friendship, with the fun, with the play, with the other things. Is that rounded out?" Because we don't know. I mean from this email and I'm just kind of, I'm going to go off of what the data is telling me in the way she's framed this, that at least ask the question to yourself of, "How much of that?" There's a little bit of merit to that, because part of what makes us back down from things and hurt the most when a spouse uses something like that as a move, is there's truth in it typically and usually it's a small percentage of truth. I'll own that part. Right?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: At first off, that it's not a huge entirety of, "Yes, that's all I need you for. I just need an erect penis for my own pleasure. That's all I need out of you." It's usually not that, right?

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: It's a percentage though, which then makes us go, "Oh, hold on," and then I'll start, I'm defending myself. Rather than what I would want to counsel to her. Did you have something else you want to say?

Pam Allan: Well, I want to hear what you have to say and then I'll see if I need to bring it up.

Corey Allan: What I would counsel to her, is his response of "All you need of me is that..." I'm trying to look at exactly where he's saying, "That's all you want out of me." Being able to look him square in the eye and own it and say, "Yes and a lot more."

Pam Allan: Right. Because you run that line between maybe he has a perception that that's how it is sometimes, and whether it's the male or the female, I think there's females out there that are the low desire that would say the same thing of their male counterpart of, "That's all he me for is my tits and my vagina."

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And it gives that feeling, but in the big picture, maybe that's a snippet of what I'm looking at, at one point in time. As the lower desire, I'm not looking at the bigger picture potentially. Right?

Corey Allan: Right, right.

Pam Allan: This comes from both sides.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: So then for her as the higher desire, it does take that self-examination of, "Am I portraying that that's all I want? Or what other things am I putting out there that he's kind of blind to, or I feel like maybe I'm not putting out there well enough?"

Corey Allan: Right. I think there's also the component, Pam, of as a higher desire wife, there's a lot of women that... I'm postulating this...

Pam Allan: Spit it out.

Corey Allan: Based on a little bit of just hunch with the clients I've had.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: There's a lot of women that, one, they don't, I mean the biggest issue is they don't like being the higher desire, because she even says it. "I want him just to pounce sometimes. I want to be taken sometimes," and so they're actually fighting the dynamic of their relationship rather than realizing that's the dynamic, that is what is. When we get frustrated about stuff, we usually will focus this and frame it as something is missing, that's what I'm frustrated about. When in reality what you're frustrated about is what's present. You are the higher desire, so you have to own that fact, and you can fight that dynamic as much as you want, but at the end of the day, at the current state of things, she's the higher desire.

Pam Allan: Which I guess is the same exact kind of advice that you throw out there to the men. Own being the high desire.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Own it, be good at it.

Corey Allan: Right, and just realize that is the route and the path you are on in the current state of the marriage right now. The more you can see that, and this isn't necessarily to muster up and make it to where rejection doesn't hurt as much, but it's really just-

Pam Allan: It's still going to hurt.

Corey Allan: ... kind of digest that fact of like, "Okay, how could I be a better higher desire?"

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Maybe there's a way that you can figure out his language of that, "All you want from me is the sex and the interaction." Maybe you could figure out, "Yeah, that is a huge part of what I want from you, but I also want these other things," and just make sure you're living that and see if that tips the scale a little bit. Because a lot of times the lower desire's biggest move is, "I feel too pressured." And we've said this countless times over the eight years of Sexy Marriage Radio, there is no way to get out of pressure on either side of this dynamic when it comes to sex in marriage. There's pressure on both sides.

Pam Allan: There's always pressure.

Corey Allan: Trying to think of how do I navigate this without pressure, it ain't going to happen. So realize, "How do I just make sure the pressure that I'm putting on my lower desire husband is cleanest it can be?"

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). So when you say, "Yeah, this is a big part that I want from you," I don't know. I think there's just so much more to that marriage relationship. Sometimes sex may be gifts and we have a podcast based on sex within the marriage relationship.

Corey Allan: Yes we do.

Pam Allan: But I think that part of what we talk about on here is that this is just a piece of the puzzle, right?

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: Your marriage isn't made or broken by sex and how many times you have it. Right?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: So when we say, "Be better at this, be better at being the higher desire." How does she be better at being the higher desire? How does she get across to her spouse, "Yeah, there's other things. There's other things that I want just as much or more than sex, but sex is definitely part of this." This is where it, part of this private intimate part of the relationship kind of comes together and rounds things out. So how does she do that?

Corey Allan: Okay. That tees up the second part of her question. This gives us a little bit more of a roadmap on how we can answer that question. All right? Because she says-

Pam Allan: That's what we're looking for is a roadmap.

Corey Allan: Right. So here's what she's saying, here's her second point. "He is very against performing oral sex on me if it's not in the 69 position. I've gone along with it to make him happy. But sometimes I just want to lay back and enjoy." Who doesn't? Sorry, I added that little.

Pam Allan: Okay, okay.

Corey Allan: "He did this on a regular basis for me at the beginning of our relationship and it just stops now. I've tried asking why he won't do it for me once in a while and he shuts down and gets so upset. I'm not sure what to do and if there's anything I can do. So thank you for your guidance in advance."

Corey Allan: This is how it's playing out, because she's in a little bit of a dilemma, so is he, but the way she's the one that's reaching out. She's in the dilemma of the sex they have is good.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That's what she talks about, multiple orgasms, it's pleasurable. He knows exactly where to touch her, what to do, but he also withholds what could be done in some regards, or is unwilling to do what could be done in some regards, because his script of sex involves mutuality, is what it sounds like.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That it can't necessarily just be giving and receiving as part of the dynamic.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So her dilemma is even when she brings up the nuances of not only do I want more frequent sex, but I want some different nuances within sex. He shuts down and gets so upset, which my guess is backs her off from bringing it up.

Pam Allan: Okay,

Corey Allan: So what if she were to deal with what's present, not what's missing? Because it would be so great if we had a spouse that we could come to and say, "You know what? I really would enjoy it if you would do this during sex." And they were like, "Thank you. I had not even thought of that." And they were totally open, and receptive, and engaging, but instead, typically when a deficit is being approached about a dynamic, we don't respond well. We don't stand up and applaud.

Corey Allan: When she can come at this with the mindset of, "Hey, I know this is upsetting to you a lot of times, but this is what I'm looking for. This is what I'm interested in," and let him get upset. Let him shut you down. But you still hold your ground, not force it, not pick a fight, but you just kind of let that tension go, and then to say, "Just making sure you heard it," and then you bring it up again when you need to. Or you instigate it in the midst of a sexual encounter and you just say flat out, "This is what I want from you." And he's like, "Yeah but I want to do it in this position. I don't want to get in that position yet." You've got to be willing to disrupt the dynamic, if I'm wanting to get something different, I got to be willing to draw the line that basically says, "I'm willing to disrupt what we have to possibly get what could be more."

Pam Allan: I hear what you're saying. Sounds fabulous.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: Right, right. I get that is coming at it from a strong... What is the word I'm looking for?

Corey Allan: It's a more solid-

Pam Allan: Solid, thank you.

Corey Allan: ... solid approach to it.

Pam Allan: Solid is the word I'm looking for, because I don't want to say strong because that makes it sound like I'm trying to overpower something.

Corey Allan: No.

Pam Allan: And that's not at all what that's trying to do. It's "I'm just going to be solid in who I am."

Corey Allan: Right. The psychobabble term is, I'm trying to come at it from a differentiated stance where I'm speaking for me, I'm living fully within my skin. I'm being more present and seeking what I want.

Pam Allan: Right, and maybe I'm off track here, but let me go back to the question I was asking before, because that topic still is specifically on the sexual arena and for him saying, I think that... He thinks that sex is her sole desire for him.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: That conversation that we're talking about there where she's being solid and saying, "Here's what I'm looking for. I'm going to put myself out there for the rejection," that's still in the sexual arena.

Corey Allan: Sure.

Pam Allan: How is it that I'm being solid in myself when the topic that we're talking about here on the roadmap is all based sexually?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: It's not talking about, "I love you for so much more than what this is." How do you get across, "I want you in my life for more than just my sexual desire"?

Corey Allan: Well, all right, I think to be able to attempt to scale Everest, which a lot of times our sex life could be deemed as Mount Everest. It's the harder thing to really approach, and deal with, and talk about well.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: To be able to do that at the best we can, I have to make sure I've shored up the other parts of my marriage, that I'm living it, that I'm okay, because I mean, if you came at me... Let me just personalize it for a second and see if this makes sense.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: If you came at me with something I was interested in wanting to do about our sex life and up frequency, up eroticism, whatever it might be. That's still within the value structure of a Christian marriage that we have, and it's still God honoring, and you were to say, "I feel like all you ever want out of me is sex. That's all you need me for." I'm going to be okay absorbing that indictment from you because I'm pretty cool with how I interact with our family, and our life, and how I interact with you beyond that indictment.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: I'm willing to absorb that hit, because that's coming more out of your... The worst in you than the best in you.

Pam Allan: And I would agree with where we are today that, that would be the case.

Corey Allan: But that's an individual thing. Right.

Pam Allan: 20 years ago. If I was saying that...

Corey Allan: Exactly, there would have been a lot of truth that I would've been, that's what launched me on this journey I've been on of, "I am selfish."

Pam Allan: Right. So then there's that roadmap of how do you get to 20 years later, right?

Corey Allan: Well, it's a individual process playing out within a relationship. That's how you get there. Your partner may not join you on that journey, or the depth, or it may be excruciatingly slow, but it's a process, and you got to be willing to absorb it, and be able to say, "This is what I'm interested in," and I'm going to take a hit for it. But a lot of times when I can have a solid foundation and I'm doing it for self respect and what I'm after and what I'm interested in. Absorbing that rejection is different because I'm earning me in the midst of it too.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: I see it as they're... He's just pushing it to get what he wants. That's what he should do. It's the same counsel we're trying to give her.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So it's seeing it as, I don't fault the way he's going about it because it works until she stands up and says, "It doesn't work." He can pitch a big enough fit to get her to back off.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That means you can't change him. You have to deal with the fit better. So when he says, "I don't want it, I only like this when it's mutual, I only like this," then you need to have some gold standard responses of, "Oh, I don't understand why you would want me to just perform oral sex on you and you just lay back and enjoy." "You know what? I can't lick myself honey."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: "So I would prefer you do that, and sometimes I want to just sit back and enjoy it," and own that, claim it.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Then you deal with the discomfort that comes up through that and then you see where you stand, because that's the process of this whole thing. This isn't something that's necessarily solved. You find solutions as you approach it better, because the solution may not be a solving of the problem, it might just create an more opening of, "Now I've got a whole lot deeper level of intimacy because I'm really sharing a whole lot more of me," and then that changes the sex that you're already having into something a little bit better.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Might have to look back at the archives Miss Pam on when was the last time you and I did a show? That's just you and I, because there's been a lot...

Pam Allan: It's been a little, we've had so many guests on the show lately. I've feel like I've, I don't know, I've been on vacation from the show or something. It's been fun.

Corey Allan: Has it? What, vacation's been fun? Why didn't you take me with you?

Pam Allan: It's been fun to be on the show crazy.

Corey Allan: Oh. There's where you went with it. Okay.

Pam Allan: It's good to be back here with you.

Corey Allan: Well, this was Sexy Marriage Radio. If there is something we left undone, because again, this is in some regards, this show was a different take of some of the main concepts we talk about through the history of the eight years of this show. But if there's something that's missing from the way we've had to frame this conversation, let us know. (214) 702-9565 or feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. Wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking some time out of your day to spend it with us. We'll see you next time.

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