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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Holiday Movies and Vaginas #444

On the Regular version of today’s show …

An email from a husband concerned about how the Holiday Hallmark movies impact his wife and their marriage.

Plus a husband seeks our help in understanding how to play with his wife’s vagina.

 

On the Xtended version …

Brain regressions and how they impact our life and relationships – and what to do about it.

 

Enjoy the show!

Got a question?

CALL US 214-702-9565
or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Corey Allan: Welcome to the holidays.

Pam Allan: Yeah, welcome to December.

Corey Allan: It is now full blown Christmas season, so happy holidays to you and yours. Hope that Thanksgiving was a wonderful time with family, friends, however you spend it. I hope it was a great time, that you can look back and recognize, "Man, you know what, Pam? We are really... Got a lot of things in life to be thankful for."

Pam Allan: Yeah, we're very blessed. We're very blessed.

Corey Allan: And I think in a lot of ways we, as humans, have a lot to be thankful for and one of the things I'm thankful for, we said this last week and I'll say it again this week, is the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation who regularly tune in and listen to us each and every week. Thank you so much for doing that and also for speaking up about what's going on in your world with questions that you have. Please let us know what's on your mind, (214) 702-9565 is how you can call in our voicemail line or as always, feedback at SexyMarriageRadio.com where emails are the ones that help shape the show with the topics we may cover or the questions that we will answer because this is listener driven radio. If you like what's going on, jump on iTunes, please write and review and leave a comment for the show. Help us climb the charts, spread the word this holiday season as we end the year strong here in 2019.

Corey Allan: As we transition and pivot getting ready for 2020, a quick little heads up. Some of you may be wondering about Sexy Marriage Radio getaway, which is coming up in June of 2020. Registration will start probably after the first of the year. In the years prior we've started earlier.

Pam Allan: Right. Yeah. Why not this year?

Corey Allan: So this year, we are in the middle of a website redo and transition. Until that is done, I'm not going to start something new.

Pam Allan: All right. You say you don't want registrations to go haywire in case something goes crazy-

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: ... in that transition.

Corey Allan: We've got a lot of tech side going on behind the scenes that there's been glitches in. We're trying to solve all of these things and it might mean a clean slate. So I want to not add more subscriptions and things to it-

Pam Allan: Got you.

Corey Allan: ... before then.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So stay tuned. We will let you know. Those of you that are members of Sexy Marriage Radio Academy get first dibs.

Pam Allan: But again, the dates are...

Corey Allan: 18th through the 21st of June.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: 2020.

Pam Allan: So they can mark it on the calendar.

Corey Allan: Mark it. Come join us. It's going to be a fabulous time here in the DFW area again, and we hope to see you there. So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, we've got two questions that have come in via the inbox that are really worth exploring. One is the holiday season and the Hallmark holiday movies.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And what that can do in some marriages. Then the other is the art of learning how to play with your wife's vagina.

Pam Allan: All right. That'll be a fun topic.

Corey Allan: I'm excited about that one.

Pam Allan: Yeah, me too.

Corey Allan: On the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper longer and there's no ads, you can subscribe at SMRnation.com. We're going to go into a conversation between my wife, Pam and I about some of the different concepts that were uncovered for me while at the training I did with [inaudible 00:03:52] a couple of weeks back specifically on the idea of brain regressions.

Pam Allan: That sounds highly complicated.

Corey Allan: Well, so stay tuned then Pam.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: We'll see if it makes sense-

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... after we spend a little time going on a deep dive.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So all that's coming up on today's show. An email just came in since we're in the holiday season that I think is really fitting because the holiday brings about a lot of good cheer, a lot of uplifting stories for some people.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Obviously, sometimes the holidays can be really rough.

Pam Allan: Yeah-

Corey Allan: ... for some people.

Pam Allan: Yeah, relationships, or you're missing a person, or whatever the case [crosstalk 00:04:33].

Corey Allan: But there is definitely, here in the Western civilization, there is definitely a romanticized component to holidays.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: Yeah, there is. Yeah.

Corey Allan: So this email hit the inbox and it just says, "Hey, Corey. First, thanks for doing this show. Started listening a couple months ago and I'm now a binge listener." Love binge listening.

Pam Allan: Yeah, thank you.

Corey Allan: "So I have a question and maybe a show topic. It's almost that time of year where the Hallmark Christmas movies. My wife loves these movies and watches them often and records them to watch later. I'm not a fan because I feel she gets more distant with me because of them. I've watched them with her, but she prefers to watch them by herself. It seems that most of the movies have this same plot: girl with guy, new guy comes into the picture, new guy does everything perfect and for the next hour and a half, she didn't realize that he's better than the guy she's with, followed by a warm, passionate kiss with new Mr. Perfect under light snow followed by happily ever after or some variation of that plot."

Corey Allan: "I struggle because I'm the guy she is with after watching the movie and I feel she searching for the new Mr. Perfect. I will admit I try to be Mr. Perfect, but let's face it, I'm not, nor is any guy. It seems as if this is an exception and I cannot meet the need and she's disappointed that I cannot meet. So sex becomes a little lackluster and distant. What's your thoughts?"

Pam Allan: Well, I'm curious if she even has the clue that what he's tying in to these Hallmark movies and her watching them.

Corey Allan: The meaning of them that he places on it?

Pam Allan: Yeah, yeah. Does she have any idea, number one, the meaning he's tying to it, but potentially an attitude shift she may have afterward? Because I guess I can see this. I'm personally not a big Hallmark fan, but that doesn't matter here because there's all kinds of movies that not even Hallmark that I know when you walk away from it, you can have that same mindset in your head, "Wow."

Corey Allan: You're a little skewed.

Pam Allan: You can be, and I know there's-

Corey Allan: Hollywood.

Pam Allan: They all have that, right?

Corey Allan: Hollywood at its basis is an escape industry.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? It's, "Let's create a real world," as in R-E-E-L.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: And it can be that way whether you're thinking, "Oh, what if I had that perfect person," or, "Oh, what if that terrible thing happened in my life?"

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Movies about terrible things happening too that can [crosstalk 00:07:09] can drive you into a funk.

Corey Allan: What if I actually was James Bond?

Pam Allan: Right? What if I... That'd be awesome?

Corey Allan: There you go. But it's seeing it as that's what the foundation of this whole thing is.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So first off, you're spot on I think in capturing at right out the gate, Pam the idea of, does his wife understand the meaning he's attached to this component in her life and in theirs, and what he sees as the result of it? The data, how does the data line up? Is she really more distant? Because the other question I've got is, how much of this can also be some of his own insecurity this can be tapped into?

Pam Allan: Yeah, potentially.

Corey Allan: That it's like, I read into something more than it is because I'm seeing it even though it's not as... I can exaggerate it too. Right? I can magnify it.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Certainly [crosstalk 00:08:09].

Corey Allan: Because it's coming on something of my own shortcoming or uncertainty or insecurity that I just don't feel confident about. That's the first move to me is exactly what you're pointing out, Pam, is this idea of, have you brought it forward with her? Of, "Hey, this is what I see and this is the struggle I've got."

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because there is an element of the romantic movie and the romantic novel all the way into the Harlequin novels and some of those that go even a little bit further and more graphic. In some regards, it's the equivalent of female porn because it plays off a romanticized view that skews what married life really is and what relationships really are because he's even pointing it out. Mr Perfect comes in, they kiss with the light snow falling, they lead off, and then what happens when that hole becomes known, right? Because the grass isn't greener on the other side.

Pam Allan: Right. The grass-

Corey Allan: That's life.

Pam Allan: ... is greener where you water it. Right?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: So to add to it though, is here's the other thought I've got for him is, and tell me how this strikes you as a woman-

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... that the data's been talked about. So that's at least out in the open of, "Here's my view of this. Here's my concern."

Pam Allan: Right. So he's voiced that to her-

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: ... and then he needs to glean from her what she's thinking she's getting from it as well.

Corey Allan: Yeah. Yeah. Then the other thing I would challenge the husband here is, how do you change up the routine? Because one of the things that Hallmark, or movies, or anything that really taps into the romantic vibe does is it's a shot of that change, it's the shot of novelty, it's a shot of something, which that's what sparks it in us.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right? That's what sparks those feelings.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: It's that whole, "Oh, what if?" So my question is, as the husband, how have you taken a lead to implement some of the, "what ifs," into your own relationship? How have you brought in novelty? How have you brought in change? How have you a, in a sense, combated it straight up, man to man. I love the concept. This is what I've done with a lot of husbands that have come in where a wife has had any levels of infidelity, that when for a lot of men that really thrive off of a competition, when you can get it framed as, "You know what, I'm going to make sure if this other guy or this movie is in her world, it's a competition. It's them or me. Best man's going to win..."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: "... and I'm not going to knock them down to win. I'm just going to win straight up."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So you come forward with, "I'm bringing my best self. I'm bringing and implementing some change. I come home during the season and say, 'Hey, I've already got it all planned out in my mind and I've even got the hotel. The kids are arranged,' and I just come home and I tell her, 'Look, you got one hour to pack, we're leaving. You need to put this, this, this or this range of stuff and we're going,'" and just implement something completely different than maybe your normal routine is.

Pam Allan: Well, that's a topic we've used kind of across the board. Right? To fight boredom in a relationship-

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: ... or to fight... We always do sex the same way-

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: ... or whatever it is, bringing novelty into a relationship enhances so much of the relationship and so many aspects.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Not just interest in one another, fun and play with one another. It combats a lot of things.

Corey Allan: Right. So some of it is because it's very easy as a couple and for sure is one member of the couple, to just get caught in the, "Yeah. This is just our routine." We're in that right now with the stage kids are in and the schedules and even just comments of, "Hey, we didn't get this done this fall." "Well, yeah. Tell me a weekend we could have with the kid."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Just because everything was packed, but you could still figure out ways to, and I tried to do this with you. I'll be heading towards your office because I've looked on your calendar and saw you had a free window during lunch and I'm just hoping that that rings true, that nothing snuck in and just say, "I'm on my way. Let's go to lunch."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right? And it's not a, "I'm asking," it's just a, "I'm trying to implement something different," that I think that's different rather than the text of, "Hey, can you do lunch today?" You know?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: I think all of those are just little variances that I think make you start to be more like the new guy in those movies.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Taking a lead, shown interest in her, being proactive in that-

Corey Allan: And creating-

Pam Allan: ... we all like that.

Corey Allan: ... things that you know speak to her.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And take the lead on that and see how that goes. So I applaud the effort of wanting to address some of the things. Let us know how that goes, (214) 702-9565 or feedback at SexyMarriageRadio.com.

Corey Allan: All right. So implementing something new is kind of what we ended with the last little segment-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: ... of how do you change it up? I applaud this husband in the email that he sent because he's recognizing something and is willing to ask for some help. So kudos to you, sir. Here's the email, "Hey, guys. I recently started listening to your show and have a few questions. On one of your episodes that I listened to, you talked about how sex should be fun. My wife and I've been married for almost seven years and can both count on maybe both hands the amount of time sex was actually fun. I was wondering if you could help us with that. Also, I'm terrible at playing with my wife's vagina. I enjoy doing it, but I'm just not good even when I'm listening to what she tells me feels good. Help. Thanks for what you're doing with the show."

Pam Allan: Great questions.

Corey Allan: Yes, it is.

Pam Allan: You're radar antennas are up going, "ding, ding, ding," and listening to this one.

Corey Allan: Right, right.

Pam Allan: So making it fun. I guess my first thought on making it fun is first of all, setting the baseline that there are times when it's functional sex.

Corey Allan: Sure.

Pam Allan: But if you've been married that long and you can count on both hands the number of times it's fun.

Corey Allan: And it's actually fun-

Pam Allan: Okay. [crosstalk 00:14:37]

Corey Allan: ... it also then means for both of you to have the conversation of, what does fun mean when you're applying it to your sex?

Pam Allan: Oh, that's a really good point.

Corey Allan: Right? Because fun, does that mean you're laughing and it's a jovial, engaged, fun time or does fun being passionate and engrossed and lost in it?

Pam Allan: Good points. So both of you need to define what that means.

Corey Allan: Right. What does that actually mean? There is a show and since he's a binge listener, maybe he's come across this, maybe he hasn't. Episodes 184 and 185 we talk about work sex versus play sex.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That was with Shannon-

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... when she was the cohost and so that's a good jump back to the archives-

Pam Allan: Perfect.

Corey Allan: ... and listen to those guys and see if that helps frame this. But there is this whole concept of, how is sex fun? A lot of it is your attitude you bring to it, the playfulness in which you enter it, what does the foreplay look like? Because [inaudible 00:15:38] phrase is foreplay, the type of foreplay and... Well, the way he frames it is, foreplay determines the type of sex that's about to happen.

Pam Allan: I think that is spot on.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: Yeah. He knows what he's talking about.

Corey Allan: And a lot of couples rush through foreplay.

Pam Allan: Right. Right.

Corey Allan: Because it's enough already. It's time to just move on to the next thing.

Pam Allan: Right, and we're talking foreplay when you're still in the kitchen cooking dinner, right?

Corey Allan: Sure.

Pam Allan: All those things that we [crosstalk 00:16:05].

Corey Allan: Let's not necessarily answer the second half of his question while you're in the kitchen still cooking dinner.

Pam Allan: No, let's-

Corey Allan: Vaginal play probably while cooking-

Pam Allan: Let's not do that.

Corey Allan: ... dinner-

Pam Allan: ... around the hot stove.

Corey Allan: Although, maybe you think that's fun and if that's the case, go for it. Just watch out for hot dishes.

Pam Allan: All right. Okay.

Corey Allan: But it is to set the stage, it really comes down to what's the fun? What does fun mean?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Where is foreplay in all of this? How do you transition? What does that whole language? What's that all look like as it unfolds?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: But then when you move into the arena of, "Okay, I don't even know how to play with my wife's vagina." Right? In some regards, you're going to not be alone in that, man. That there's a lot of people that... Seinfeld hit it perfectly for, I'm dating us in our section of the audience possibly that will get this reference, but they did an episode where they were talking at the coffee shop, he and George about going down on a woman and he's like, "No one really knows what's going on down there. You just close your eyes and hope for the best." It rang true because that's kind of what a lot of people probably do is, "I'm just hoping."

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And kudos to... He's at least trying to listen to her and he just gets distracted or he loses it. I don't know. There's a lot of different variables that come into play guidance.

Pam Allan: So are you guiding through this?

Corey Allan: Here's where I want to start is just first off, with this whole concept is just talking anatomically.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right? So the easiest way to frame this, I do this at the getaway, I have in the past at least, is look at the... If you hold your hand out, palm up with your fingers all in touching [crosstalk 00:17:51] each other [crosstalk 00:17:52] and have your palm face you. Imagine that is a vulva, okay? Which that is the proper term for the female genitalia.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: The vagina is a component of this. So a lot of times when you're talking about interacting with a woman's genitalia, you want to involve all of it, not just the vagina, right? Because for most women, vaginal is not enough stimulation alone for orgasm. The clitoris has to be involved.

Pam Allan: Well, that's part of the fun stuff beforehand, right? So key here because I'm going to... I'm stopping you on the anatomy piece to say, slow down. Don't go straight here to where Cory's guiding you. Right?

Corey Allan: Good point.

Pam Allan: Don't do it right away because-

Corey Allan: Don't go south right away.

Pam Allan: Don't go South right away.

Corey Allan: Because this is something you have to build towards, you have to get her engaged. You genuinely want to start way North and work your way South.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? By way North really means get her brain engaged first. So as you're looking at the anatomy, thank you. Oh, I just lost my wording there. Getting all stumbled up [crosstalk 00:19:08] going South, that as you're looking at the anatomy, the outer side of your palm if it's facing you would be the outer labia.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right? Going down the middle, if you kind of think of this as like almost a canoe, going down the middle is the inner labia lips. Right? In the middle of your palm is the vaginal opening. Right above it is the urethra. So if you go further North up towards right in the middle of where your ring finger and middle finger, right up almost to the tip, somewhere right there between that knuckle and the two knuckles there-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: ... is somewhere around there is where your wife's clitoris is going to be.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Okay? But that guy is going to be covered by the clitoral hood.

Pam Allan: Which is why you got to slow down.

Corey Allan: Right, because it has to be invited to reveal itself. It does not just reveal itself.

Pam Allan: It's only going to reveal itself once she's stimulated.

Corey Allan: Fully engorged, just analogous to a man's penis. This whole area will get engorged with blood as the arousal goes up.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So a lot of times for a husband after you start heading South, one of the best... Again, there's variations you can follow with this, but a lot of times if you're looking at the clitoris, it's not just the clitoral hood right there that's covering it. There's also... The clitoris actually is a wishbone inside the vulva and it wraps around both sides of the vaginal opening too. A lot of times you can reach it from the mons pubis, which is where the pubic hair is above this whole genitalia area.

Pam Allan: So like the tip of your fingers area.

Corey Allan: Even above it.

Pam Allan: Above that, okay.

Corey Allan: A little more firm pressure can help right there before she's really going. Then along the outer lips on the outside of the vagina is really beneficial for a lot of women. So starting there with your finger, with a tongue, with a toy, with the tip of your penis, there's a lot of different things you can include here.

Pam Allan: And using some lube to help with that.

Corey Allan: Possibly.

Pam Allan: Can be helpful as well.

Corey Allan: Yeah, possibly. One of the ways you can guide on how this is going as how's her lubrication. If your wife has a normal lubrication pattern, after she's really going, you'll have enough lube.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: For most women.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Not all.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because there's again, there's a whole big variety.

Pam Allan: Especially where you are and in the hormone cycle or stage of life.

Corey Allan: And if you have to use lube, great-

Pam Allan: That's fine.

Corey Allan: Use it. That doesn't mean anything's going wrong, right? A lot of times it's just understanding, start on the outside and work your way in-

Pam Allan: And slow down.

Corey Allan: Perfect. Don't go too fast with this.

Pam Allan: Don't rush it.

Corey Allan: Then after you're on the end part of the area like your palm, go back out. Right? You don't have to just go right in and stay. Work your way around.

Pam Allan: I think that's a good point. Not staying, whether it be even at a specific point in the vaginal area or on a nipple. Don't just hang out there forever unless she's telling you to.

Corey Allan: Yes.

Pam Allan: If she's saying, "No, do not walk away from this point that you're at, you're at a great point." Well, stay there. If she's sitting there totally silent, it might mean, "Okay, I need to change something up."

Corey Allan: Right. Another thing you can offer up with this is if she's interested, have her put her hand on yours during this and maybe she can help guide.

Pam Allan: Absolutely.

Corey Allan: You put your hand on hers and follow where she goes if she's interested in leading in that way. Sometimes women might want to be vocal about it or if she does it with subtle cues. A lot of these is... This is the reason why I'm starting with anatomy, Pam, is because I think a lot of times a husband, we can get so caught up, I'll speak for me in my journey of 26 years with you, but also from men I've heard, I can speak, I think with their blessing to be able to say, a lot of times we can get so caught up in, "Am I doing this right? I'm following a script that I get lost."

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right? So it's recognizing if I can understand where things are, it frees me up to just try out different things because I can always go back to, "Okay. Wait, so I'll back it up." If I started and I've went to the inner part of my hand and then, analogy we're about-

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: ... and it's too soon, "Okay, I'll go to the outer," or, "I'll go further North and then we'll go back."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: It's just recognizing there's a pattern and a rhythm we can find with this and typically you venture in and out and venture in and out and surround and in and out and surround, and then as you're getting closer and closer to her reaching climax, that's when you're coming closer and closer into the middle. That's where you're resting and landing there.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because you do not want to, if she is revved up and working in is almost to the point, don't then all of a sudden go back out unless you're wanting to practice edging, which that's a whole nother component. That is a power move that a lot of couples find incredibly beneficial, but it's also-

Pam Allan: But have her buy in on that.

Corey Allan: Have her know it's... Yes.

Pam Allan: Have her know that it's coming.

Corey Allan: Sometimes it can be kind of cruel.

Pam Allan: You're like, "What? Oh my gosh, you just left the best spot."

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: As we're talking about this, to me the fun aspect of it, I think we shortchange that. We didn't give him very much on how to make it fun-

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: ... and I think that plays directly in with his comfortableness with the vaginal area-

Corey Allan: Absolutely.

Pam Allan: ... because if there's not fun then-

Corey Allan: And even confidence with the way it's approached.

Pam Allan: See, I think confidence is the word right there. If there's not fun and he doesn't feel like he knows the area of the body, then there would be this lack of confidence or lack of-

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: ... potentially what would feel like forgiveness if something doesn't go great in that arena.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: So trying to be playful and even that is simple ways to be playful. Costumes and different things like that that maybe you do or she just comes out with a strand of beads on or you just come out with a strand of beads on-

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: ... and that's it. Little things like that-

Corey Allan: Yeah, there's a variety.

Pam Allan: ... are totally out of your comfort zone. Get out of your comfort zone.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And that might make her laugh, but it lightens the mood-

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: ... if you guys are both coming at this, maybe feeling a little bit tense because you want it to be good.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Do something that's out of your comfort zone-

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: ... to maybe stretch that anxiety level.

Corey Allan: Yeah. Then the other last things I would add, this builds off of the confidence thing you just touched on, Pam, is while your fingers... I'm kind of framing this as if this is all being done digitally with your fingers.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: If that's the case, what are you doing with your mouth while your fingers are working?

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Are you kissing?

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Are you on a nipple? Again, it depends on your position because if you're positioned down between her legs, it's harder to... Your mouth could be involved in other ways-

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: ... orally, but there's still elements of what's your whole body doing in this? Not just your fingers. Are you engaged with her? Are you looking into her eyes?

Pam Allan: Right?

Corey Allan: That's a huge component of, "My whole self is here. It's not just my fingers doing something." Right? Are you engaged? And if you slide down between her legs for oral stimulation and you're doing this with your tongue, it's the same premise, right? One of the techniques I've come across for oral sex on a woman is work your way through the alphabet with your tongue. Spell out the letters. You could do that with your fingers too.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right? So this is some of those, "Okay. I could go back to that because that adds variety. It'll touch on something and then it moves away from it," because for most women, variety matters until you get to the end. Whereas most men, it's just stroke it. Right?

Pam Allan: Okay. Good point.

Corey Allan: Because if you look at the masturbatory paths most take, for men, it's just, "Eh, I know how to do this," right?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: It's just the same thing over and over and over and over until we reach the end.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Not that men don't enjoy variety. I'm not even going let that slip by because they do.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right? But it's still seeing it as most men, we get caught up in, "Well, it works on me so I'll just find one spot and go as far as I can with it."

Pam Allan: Got you.

Corey Allan: And that's when you're sitting there talking, "No, you've got to move on to something different."

Pam Allan: Got you.

Corey Allan: So sometimes just having a plan in your mind of, "All right, I'll see how far I can get to the alphabet with this until she really starts reacting to my hand and to me, and then I kind of start working a rhythm and a pattern," because to me, as you get further into this whole process, rhythm is what matters then. It's finding a good one that she can start to read you and knowing, "All right." So it's almost, you're taking the lead after she's guided some to get it started.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I'm curious if she speaks up at all during sex because that can certainly be helpful to her and to you.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: So if she's not, maybe he can take the lead in-

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: ... speaking up. It's okay to ask a question. It's okay to say what you like.

Corey Allan: It's also okay to get the, "You know what? No, not that."

Pam Allan: Totally fine.

Corey Allan: Don't lose it and don't, "Ugh." Hey, just, "Okay." Try something different. Move to something a different way. Switch positions. Shift it up. Go to the other side of her. There's a variety of different things you can do, but a lot of times it's learning anatomy makes a huge difference-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: ... because to this emailer, my journey has been along the lines of yours that I don't know, we never ever had a conversation within the first seven years, 10 years of our marriage. How many times was it fun? But when I went to school and actually got some anatomy training in my doc program, it opened up a whole new realm.

Pam Allan: It did. Yeah. I can't say that sex was that fun before that.

Corey Allan: Because then it became, "Oh, that's how that works. Let's see it in action, let's try this." You know?

Pam Allan: That was fabulous.

Corey Allan: It's because my confidence went up because I felt I had a better understanding of what was going on for both of us. A lot of this is just recognizing it matters what you do, but it matters who you are even more.

Pam Allan: Oh, well true. Yes.

Corey Allan: So it's keeping that in perspective.

Pam Allan: But a combination of both of them can be fabulous.

Corey Allan: Well, stated, but-

Pam Allan: Oh, and slow down.

Corey Allan: And go slow. Exactly. Let us know how that goes on. Is that enough? Does that get you started? Because again, every woman is different. Every man is different. So I can give you the basics in this regard in this conversation, but then what you do with it needs to be applicable to what's your unique skillset and situation and touch points and just the dynamics between what's going on.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah, but email or call in with more details that you want to glean or more information you'd like us to discuss. We'd love to have you follow up again.

Corey Allan: Yeah and enjoy the journey. Well, I hope that you got all your shopping done, Pam, during what do we have nowadays? Black Friday, Cyber Monday [crosstalk 00:31:23] Small Business [crosstalk 00:31:24] Saturday, Sex Tuesday.

Pam Allan: I got that shopping... Wait. What is that?

Corey Allan: I just made one up there.

Pam Allan: Don't buy that, please.

Corey Allan: Fair enough. Fair enough. Earn it. Earn it in your marriage. Now as you head into the holiday season, I know there's a lot of different things that people can face when you're dealing with the holidays. And so the hope would be, how do you make sure you set little markers or visual cues or reminders to keep the important the important, and not let the immediate outweigh it all? Because we can get so derailed if we listened to Madison Avenue and Wall Street on, "Here's what you should be doing this holiday. Here's what..." If Amazon has their way, we all won't have any money, right? So spend it with the people that you love-

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: ... and direct the stuff towards them and steal the time with them because man, we don't know how long we got.

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone, let us know, (214) 702-9565 or feedback, sexymarriageradio.com. See you next time.

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