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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Hostage Taking #522

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On the Regular version of today’s show …

An email from a newly-married wife who is interested in sex more in the evening while her husband in interested in the mornings. Plus, he masturbates regularly during the day.

A message from Instagram asking what kind of feedback we get from our willingness to talk frankly about sex and relationships.

On the Xtended version …

A husband emails asking how to bring up the subject of sex when for 18 years it’s been clear it’s not something his wife will talk about.

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Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, smrnation.com.
You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: Now, this is not a shocking statement at all, but we live in a wide-ranging, vast world and country.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because if you think about it in some parts of the country, COVID is slow to be opening back up from where masks are still predominant and here in Texas, it's a little more wild west.

Pam Allan: Little bit.

Corey Allan: In some regards.

Pam Allan: Little bit.

Corey Allan: But particularly what's interesting is we celebrated 28 years this past week. Thank you to all of you on the platform at my.smrnation.com for wishing us happy anniversary. And part of our time over the weekend was just a big long road trip to Louisiana and back. What was fascinating is on our drive home, we're cruising along down the highway and come upon roadkill that's like, "What is that?" It had to be a four or five foot long alligator.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That had been hit on the highway and was dead on the side of the road. You just don't see that.

Pam Allan: Yeah. It was kind of cool to see. I wasn't sure where you're going with the whole COVID thing on that one but yeah, that was interesting to see. That was the first for me.

Corey Allan: I love the diversity and how each area has culture and ...

Pam Allan: Wildlife.

Corey Allan: That too. But I think that applies to how we deal with life, how we deal with marriage because there's uniqueness in every situation because of the people, because of where you are, because your upbringing, because of your values, your cultures, your character, all the different things make up what our lives become, particularly our marriages and our sex life.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That's kind of where we'll be heading today. Just talking about how do we talk about some of these different things because here at Sexy Marriage Radio, that's what we try to do, is frame conversations, because they're hard to have sometimes.

Pam Allan: Yeah, they are.

Corey Allan: They're hard to get started sometimes. So a lot of times our advice really boils down to just start talking and see what happens.

Pam Allan: As awkward as it can be.

Corey Allan: Because you're already communicating anyway, but this is Sexy Marriage Radio, so we love to hear from you and we watch your questions. (214) 702-9565 feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, all the different platforms, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. You can find us there, ask questions there too. We're trying to interact everywhere we can to help make marriages better. If you like, what's going on, leave us a review and a comment on iTunes or Google Play or Spotify, wherever it is you listen. Thank you for listening because the Nation helps make this whole thing go, so let's go.
Coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple of your questions that we've already alluded to a little bit of the topic we'll be heading in the today and then our answers, and then on the extended content, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy.
We have a lengthy email that came in from a husband asking some specific questions on the idea of if our advice is to talk about these things and that kind of conversation anytime it's instigated by him is immediately shut down, what do I do?

Pam Allan: Good question.

Corey Allan: All that's coming up on today's show.
An email came in, says, "Hello, Dr. Corey, I'm newly married and I have a question. My husband and I are on different sexual schedules, meaning I'm often keen at night, but he's spending time playing games on his computer and he's often wanting to be intimate in the mornings, but I start work early and I'm not in the mood at 6:00 AM with some reluctant exceptions. I am aware that he often masturbates after I leave for work. He then again feels as far as I know, fulfilled for a few days. I asked him often if he's masturbated in the morning and I know he hates it when I ask. I don't know what to do to get him to wait for me instead. Often when we do get intimate, he doesn't finish because he's done so earlier in the day and that makes me feel unattractive to him."
"Is it wrong that I asked him about his masturbation? What can I do to get him to want to sleep with me? I thought waiting for marriage would mean he would desire me often, but I'm the one with the higher desire and I'm very frustrated." Which I can completely understand.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: When you're talking about different schedules and different practices that are going on.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That aren't being steered towards her. Because one of the things just to start this conversation for the segment, everything you're doing communicates, everything he's doing communicates.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: This has been the theme we've been going to regularly over the last several months of what's actually being communicated, right?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That addressing what's present is what matters, not why can't we be on the same page?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That's the best way to frame it, to start our conversation but then we need to get into the specific questions of, is it wrong that she's asking about, "Hey, are you masturbating regularly or not? What do we do when we're on completely different desire schedules?"

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Because it sounds like they're both interested, but it's just timing doesn't line up.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Well, I wouldn't think it would be a bad thing to ask about masturbating.

Corey Allan: No.

Pam Allan: I mean, how would you respond to someone sitting in the chair in your office? If the husband and wife are sitting there ...

Corey Allan: Well, typically I would have, the wife would be the one that's probably bringing the subject up.

Pam Allan: Well, it is here, so ...

Corey Allan: Now I'm picturing it. I'm visualizing it.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: I would be watching him on how is he reacting to this being brought up in front of another party?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because that's good clues to, okay, what's really going on or is this something that, "I'm not ashamed of this at all, it's something I choose to do, and I don't even realize there's an impact and I'm okay with that impact because now we're starting to deal with what's present."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Rather than if there's a shame-based, "Ah, yeah," kind of feels caught, that's a little bit of a different-

Pam Allan: Do it in secret.

Corey Allan: Approach to ask some different kinds of questions to steer what's underneath all of that, because ultimately what you're talking about is the impact of each persons' desires or wants on the other and the relationship. Because her desire and it's something that's pretty regular we've had with conversations with people that we've known, that have come to the getaway, or clients I've had in the past of yeah, there's a lot of times where someone's arousal peak interest time is morning while they're married to someone that's evening.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That's just seems to be one of those weird little, "Why are we not the same?" kind of thing.

Pam Allan: Yeah, well.

Corey Allan: Because it creates growth opportunities.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Why aren't we the same on everything? Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right. Then it comes down to, "Okay. What are we agreeing upon with our process in what we're trying to have happen?" Because obviously in this instance, one is impacting the other, that what he chooses to do is impacting her. Where he chooses to steer his time is impacting her. More and more, video games seems to be one of those things too, that are direct impacts on marriages.

Pam Allan: Yeah. We're getting a lot more emails, responses, questions about that stuff.

Corey Allan: In going to venture the guests though, that all this is is a changing of focus. Throughout history, if a guy was spending his time on hobbies, working on stuff in the garage, building things and that's kind of where he loves spending his time, that's the same kind of principle as far as finite distract time away from steering towards a spouse.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: I don't want to get on the harping of video game in this instance.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because I think there's some variances there, yes, but they're also interchangeable because we all have things that we do to medicate, distract, escape, pleasure, enjoy, whatever.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Because if it's not that it's Facebook or Instagram or-

Pam Allan: Right. Any kind of media.

Corey Allan: Any of those, find Sexy Marriage Radio, by the way on those things.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But.

Pam Allan: But.

Corey Allan: But is it wrong for her to ask? No, because it's impacting her. I think maybe she could come up with some better ways to ask.

Pam Allan: Such as?

Corey Allan: Well, some of it would be, how do you kind of one fell swoop of, "I'm interested in little action tonight, you interested in joining me all the way through?"

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because she interprets the times that he chooses to masturbate and then can't complete the orgasm cycle during a sexual encounter as something about her rather than no, that just impacts her.

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: I'm guessing you kind of catch that difference?

Pam Allan: Yeah. No, I'm following you. It's easy to read into it farther though of, "You'd rather do it this way then with me."

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Right? "And it's impacting me that you can't complete with me."

Corey Allan: But that's even a cleaner way to phrase it.

Pam Allan: There's multiple meanings behind it.

Corey Allan: Sure, but that's even also a cleaner way to phrase it too of, "You would rather do this this way than with me."

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: That's an impact statement and I think anytime we're starting to talk about relational dynamics where one person's actions or decisions impact you, that's what you've got to address, not their rationale why, their undercurrent, "Why do you do all," because then you're-

Pam Allan: Or just that they perform the act ever, right?

Corey Allan: I'm lost.

Pam Allan: It's not that. It's not that it's not that, I may not have a problem with you masturbating at all. It's just that if it takes away from our time together ...

Corey Allan: That's the impact.

Pam Allan: That's the impact.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because a lot of times when we get into these things, it's like, "Well, why do you do that?" We're trying to get into the symptoms and the root rather than, "That's yours."

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: I want to address the fact that I want to do this with you in the fact that you still are doing that impacts me.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: It makes it to where we can't fulfill what I'm hoping right in that regard. I think you can bring it up, but you do bring it up in the impact and then how do you address the desire different timing?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Some of that just becomes, okay, is it a season of life you're in?

Pam Allan: Okay. Okay.

Corey Allan: Because I'm speculating here but if he's got a lot of time on his hands, pun intended, what's he doing during the day?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Does he need to get up and head to work? Does he just work later? Is he a student? There's a lot of unknown factors that can play into this, but sometimes life changes help bring us to a little more aligning as far as a little closer.

Pam Allan: Yeah, sometimes.

Corey Allan: We would be representative of this in the sense that early in our marriage, I was the night owl, as far as just bedtime routine. I was late, wanted to stay up late, sleep late.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Now we're both back in bed. 9:30 is late..

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: For us.

Pam Allan: Yeah, give me a pillow.

Corey Allan: Because we're up 6:00. 6:30 pretty regularly now. Some thanks to a puppy, but ...

Pam Allan: Yeah. 5:30.

Corey Allan: But it's also work and busy season and just different things going on. Some of those change, but that doesn't always translate to, "Hey, just tough it out, it'll all get better," because that's not what I'm saying, but it's just kind of realize, okay. The dynamic that you have going on, what's your part of it? She prefers the evening. What is it about the evening that gets her going, that makes her really revved, and that means more to her? Is it a bodily thing? Is it a rhythm thing? Is it just a decision thing? Can there be some tweaks and adjusting to maybe align a little bit on your side? Because sometimes you can make a move towards your partner and it doesn't mean it's quid pro quo and they will respond in kind and then adjust, "Okay, now it's your turn. We'll do evening this time." But it does mean you're getting closer to what you're wanting, which is what your job and route is because that's what you can control is what's in your realm to help create optimum opportunity for what you want.
Your partner may or may not be on board, but how do you get out of your own way to at least have a clearer picture of here's how the partner keeps blocking it, here's how the partner isn't in line. Then you can address each of those as they come up and see what kind of solutions start to happen. Because a lot of times we can do this with impact statements, as far as, "I'm just addressing the impact of this on me," I think we can find solutions that maybe we weren't quite aware of before.
Another message and this one actually came in via direct message on Instagram.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: This says, "Love your page and I wanted to come and thank you for all that you do. I'm actually not married, but I'm learning so much about what sex has the potential to look like and how to navigate for my future relationship. And it's all wonderful. I wanted to ask a question. Do you ever get people yelling at you in your direct messages about how you shouldn't talk about that sort of stuff publicly and that sex is ungodly and stuff like that? What advice do you have for people who grew up in an environment where sex was basically taboo and something to be ashamed and who got shut down if they had questions about it? What can married couples do to overcome that?"
Well, she's speaking exactly into why Sexy Marriage Radio exists.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because to varying degrees, this was our journeys.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Growing up.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Of being raised in the church that was fairly dogmatic and rigid and on this topic, there was very little spoken if at all. We had a little exception. I did. Pretty sure you-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Were in the youth group at this point too.

Pam Allan: Yeah, in the youth group, the one Sunday with the conversations about sex and sexuality.

Corey Allan: Yeah, well, we actually had people come in and there was a couple of Sundays that I remember.

Pam Allan: Okay..

Corey Allan: It was a sex and sexuality weeks where guys were off by themselves with a guy once and then a girl once and then reverse and it was just talking about healthy sexuality.

Pam Allan: Yeah. That was fabulous. I know our kids have had that where they are right now, too.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: So that's been a positive thing that we like.

Corey Allan: Right. But this is one of those things that part of the reason we started the show almost a decade ago was because there's not enough healthy-leaning, morally in line with a Christian ethic conversation starters and information about what's going on in people's lives. Because when you get married, if you were raised like we were where the message was largely ,"Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. Oh, you got married. You said, 'I do.' Have fun."

Pam Allan: Yeah. Go have a great time.

Corey Allan: There's all kinds of anxiety surrounding that. There's all kinds of issues that come from that that you got to grow through. What do you do to overcome it? One, you recognize that nothing makes you prepared for marriage but marriage.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Nothing makes you prepared for married sex but married sex because this is different in the regards of sex with the same person over the course of an extended period of time is a different beast, if you will, because there's only so many things you can do. It's all about the meanings and who you're doing those things with. As you both change and evolve and life hits, it's just not as sexy as it's portrayed all the time.

Pam Allan: Not all the time.

Corey Allan: But I think it gets to a depth of profoundness-

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: That you just don't even fathom until you're in it.

Pam Allan: Right. Well, that's just the relationship as a whole, right?

Corey Allan: True.

Pam Allan: It's not just the sexual act, it's all of the things that come with that relationship and the deepness of being there together, of overcoming life's obstacles together, and that just creates that even deeper connection.

Corey Allan: Right. To answer her question of do we get people yelling at us that we shouldn't talk about this stuff? Occasionally.

Pam Allan: Not very often, though.

Corey Allan: Yeah, it's not very often. Most people that find us will reach out in email or call in, "It's a breath of fresh air to finally find something that's like, 'Ah, this is good. I like this. This is actually ... I don't feel icky listening to this.'"
There are some times where we'll cover a topic that it ruffles feathers, obviously, because we don't take a moral stance and that's one of the things I think a lot of people are looking for is, "Tell me if this is right or wrong, because I can use it either as ammo to why I don't want to do something or ammo for why I want to do something."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Rather than no, it's freewill.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah.

Corey Allan: You choose.

Pam Allan: There are people that yell at us because we're not quoting scripture.

Corey Allan: Yes.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: The interesting thing that now that we're being more dedicated with our time in the message on the other platforms, mainly Instagram is where we've been spending a lot of conversation time is there have been some of the different posts that have run where there's been a comment that's like, "This is very childish, son." That was actually a direct quote of a comment, which is like, "Really. Okay."

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: "Thanks for sharing. I'm good." Then I've had a couple of messages come in just, "I can't believe you're covering this," or, "I can't believe you think this," and I take any time you are dealing with a subject that is typically hidden as in our sex lives, as in our fetishes, as in our fantasies, as in all of the intimate things of our life. Anytime you share that with somebody else, if they react in a knee jerk or quick reaction that's negative, that says more about them than it does you. Obviously. This is not a shocking statement.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But I tend to, because of how I think just the challenge of doing what I do for a living and the blessing of having good colleagues, good training, and a good spouse, a lot of times, if it's something that hits deep on something we share or we believe, I can have a quick kind of, "Oh, it really ruffles my feathers," but now it's a whole lot faster. I hurt for them.

Pam Allan: Right, right.

Corey Allan: Because it's coming from pain a lot of times. It's coming from lack of freedom a lot of times. The only time that I've ever had just as true confessionals I guess about our time behind the microphone here at Sexy Marriage Radio is the only time I've ever had any kind of, "Okay, I'm going to write an email and reply to this," or, "I'm going to not necessarily attack back, but I'm going to address this is," anytime they criticized you. It was like, "No, wait, hold on. That's my wife."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Rather than realizing it's also just we're on the air and that's a different ... We open ourselves up-

Pam Allan: It's all good. It's all good.

Corey Allan: To things, but initially that was a big, "I'm going to go through the microphone and take care of this," but most of the time it's like, come after me, I'm okay. We don't have to agree.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: We don't all have to do the same. We're all just trying to be better is the whole ultimate goal.But how do you get over this? If you were raised in this? You challenge your belief structure.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: You challenge where does it come from?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: You ask pointed questions because one of the most fun comments I have with people on Instagram, it's waning off some was when we would take a stance and this was mainly on the Christian Who Curse Sometimes platform when I was over there which we are every other week still, was the responses I would get via those dialogues would be, "I need scriptural backing on this."

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: I will reply back, "I need scriptural backing on why you believe it and think I need scriptural backing to have, the stance I have."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because it's not in there.

Pam Allan: Right. Right.

Corey Allan: It's just such a disservice to just do blanket things, because that's what creates this oppressive kind of feeling on different aspects of our life when we've got a lot more freedom than we think.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And maybe have been taught or led to believe. Challenge those structures of what are my values, what are the belief messages? You can actually write them out. What are the scripts? When it comes to my sex life, when it comes to my sexuality, just write it out. What does it believe? What do I believe on this? Then go through each one. Do I still believe this? Where did this come from? Where is this message? You can do a lot of that and really kind of unwind some of these knots that have gotten in your way and then realize it's never completely unraveled because we all have a conscience and we all have points where it's like, "Yeah, I didn't think you'd want to do that. That made me uncomfortable. That was a little too much." Okay. That's your growth stage at this point. Congratulations. You'll be introduced to another one later.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Unravel that one, solidify what you really believe and then shout it from the mountaintops if you like what's going on because we love it. That's why we keep doing the show.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: As is our way lately with the extended content, this is coming from an email and if you are the emailer and you're not a member of the Academy, watch your inbox. I'll send you a link. If you're interested in this, you're going to want to go to smrnation.com/smracademy to join, to hear our answer.
But here's this question. "I've listened to Sexy Marriage Radio off and on for a few years and we frequently address topics related to questions that are shared with listeners and the show is so helpful."
"Here's the catch. My wife and I've been married 18 years and believe it or not, we have some communication issues. Just kidding. I know every couple has communication challenges. To be more specific, the topic of sex is a conversation topic that's basically off limits. We dated for five years before marriage and talking about sex since then has always been a source of tension. As time has gone and sex continues to be something we don't talk about probably less and less over the years. I'd say these days, we don't talk about it at all. We even went to a marriage counseling for two years and the word sex was not mentioned a single time in any session."
"I'm afraid to bring it up because I knew it would upset her. I also think it would backfire if I suggested listening to your show as an icebreaker. I'm the pursuer of most conversations in our relationship, regardless of topic. I'm a high extrovert and she's a high introvert. I admit it, I do most of the talking when we have discussion. I know you already know that I'm the high desire and she's the low."
"Our sex life overall is satisfactory. I wish her desire was higher, but we manage it for the most part. I think talking more about sex could improve our sex life. Usually sex is good for me and seemingly good for her. I use the word 'seemingly' because I really don't know. We never really talked during sex and if we do it ruins it for her. We never talk about sex right after sex because she doesn't want to. She'll say thank you after a good encounter, nothing else. She does not flirt with me outside of the bedroom or talk dirty and is annoyed if I flirt or talk dirty with her. Dirty meaning something as PG as whispering, 'You look so sexy,' or, 'You turn me on when you do that.'.
It's true. We don't talk about sex and when we do, it's a cycle, I pursue the topic, she's annoyed, I get upset, and it turns out negative. I have essentially quit talking about it, period. In episode 517, we talked about the sex script with the guest and I honestly don't think I could ever ask her, 'What do you think about the last time we had sex?' I don't think it would go well and it would shut down immediately. I episode 516, you answered a question about getting over the awkwardness and you said you don't get over it, you go through it. I don't think we're going through it either."
"When I listen to your show, I very frequently hear a theme in your suggestions and this theme is one way or another, almost always, talk about sex more. For example, if it's wedding night anxiety, talk about it beforehand. If it's anxiety or difficulty with orgasm, talk about it. If it's knowing your partner's fantasy, talk about it."

Pam Allan: Talk about it.

Corey Allan: "In my 23 years with my wife, the one thing I've learned is do not talk about it. All that is to ask what can I do if talking about it negatively impacts our sex life? Lack of ability to talk about sex has caused me to question my size or how long I last. I feel unattractive, self-confidence goes down, I'm afraid to be vulnerable and goes on and on so I always push my need to talk about sex under the rug to maintain the satisfactory sex life that we already have."
Then he's got some specific questions and those are where we're going to head in the extended content.
Well, as we wrap up today, Pam, it's not a whole lot of times where we spend in a big segment like we did in the extended content where we actually kind of go back in the archives of our journey.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And share some of the things that kind of gone on in our life.

Pam Allan: But that one hit home.

Corey Allan: It absolutely does. There's a lot of overlap, which is such a fascinating thing about marriage and sex that we're not alone in what we face. There's nothing new under the sun.

Pam Allan: Someone has to take the lead, I'm just saying on that one.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: I guess it should have brought that up in the middle of it, but seriously, it was you leading from integrity that brought the transformation, so maybe that's some hope to the fella.

Corey Allan: Yeah, maybe so. Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone or you're curious about what Pam just dropped there at the end, go check out the extended content if you missed it, but wherever you are, whatever you've been doing to take some time out of your day and week to spend it with us, we say thank you again. And we hope to see you again next time.

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