Top iTunes Marriage Podcast

8.6+ Million Downloads

hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Let’s Celebrate 500 Episodes #500

On the Regular version of today’s show …

Several members of the SMR Nation join Pam and I as we celebrate 500 episodes. Come enjoy the party!

On the Xtended version …

What have we learned from hosting over 500 episodes of hosting SMR?

Enjoy the show!

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Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio. SMRNation.com.
You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: Well, welcome, welcome, welcome to 500.

Pam Allan: This is so cool.

Corey Allan: Absolutely is.

Pam Allan: That's monumental. 500 episodes, Corey. Congratulations.

Corey Allan: Well, thank you.

Pam Allan: What an achievement. Thank you to listeners, right? The entire nation that's been here all these years and binging it.

Corey Allan: Yeah, this thing is not been done solo. To reach this point, October 12, 2011 is when we first hit the airwaves, and here we are over nine years later to episode 500. I have to honestly say when we did episode one, two, three, 10, 20, I was not thinking we'll hit 500.

Pam Allan: Right. You and Gina starting it off just saying, "Hey, how can we get some good content, maybe help some people?"

Corey Allan: That's been the-

Pam Allan: See what happens.

Corey Allan: That's been the goal all the way through this thing, and I'd like to say we've not veered. And a lot of that is because the SMR Nation keeps us on task. They are watching what's going on. So welcome to Sexy Marriage Radio. If you're new here and you've just stumbled on, there's a lot of catching up to do. But don't think you have to. You can just jump right in where we are and ride with us the rest of the way because this has been a fun, fun journey, and there's lots of things. We're going to just celebrate today, just kind of walking through this whole process of Sexy Marriage Radio.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: It's so much to just-

Pam Allan: Do feel good.

Corey Allan: I do feel good. Absolutely. Yes, so Sexy Marriage Radio, what's coming up today is just a look back at what all's gone on a little bit, some celebration. We've asked the nation. We spoke out the nation, said, "Hey, we want you to be on here with us because this has been a journey that's collaborative all the way through." So we're going to spend some time hearing from people in the nation, hearing from their voicemails, hearing from their emails. Reminiscing a little bit and then kind of continuing on on here's where we're heading because-

Pam Allan: It doesn't stop here.

Corey Allan: It does not stop here. So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is lots of celebrating, lots of voices, lots of messages, and a lot of thanks that need to be shared along this journey.

Pam Allan: Definitely.

Corey Allan: And then on the extended content of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads. You can subscribe at SMRNation.com/SMRacademy. We're going to have a little discussion between you and I, Pam, about what we've learned over 500 episodes.

Pam Allan: Right, right because this is not a stagnant journey. We're learning, you're learning. You've been on every episode, but...

Corey Allan: I am not the same person sitting here at 500 that I was at episode one.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: So there's a lot of things that stand out. So if you want to subscribe and catch that conversation, there's no ads. You can join, and we'd love to see you there.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: So all that's coming up on today's show.

Alice Harbert: Hey, Pam, Corey, and SMR Nation. This is Alice Harbert. My husband and I have had our issues over the years, like most couples, but when my husband told me he was listening to a podcast called Sexy Marriage Radio, all I could do was sigh and roll my eyes. "Yeah," I thought, "It's all about how to have swinging from the chandeliers sex every night of the week." But then I listened to some of the podcast and found out that it's a podcast about life, about me, my husband, our relationship, and how to make all those things the best they can be.
My husband came from the perspective that if we make the sex better, the relationship would be better. And I was of the thought that if the relationship was better, the sex would be better. We found out that it's not either or. It's both, and mainly it's me making me the best I can be so that we can be the best that we can be.
I also want to thank the nation and Corey for helping Brian over the last couple of years deal with the toxic situation that he'd been in and give him the courage and strength to deal with it. That's why I say this podcast is not just about sex, but it's about life. I will say though I think it is great that this is a place people can get honest answers to one of those hush-hush topics that people are afraid to talk about.
Thank you to Sexy Marriage Radio and congratulations on 500 episodes.

Corey Allan: I love throughout a lot of these messages that we're going to hear today, Pam, there are a lot of the different themes and truisms that we've said over the years that it's about me, and it's about my life and standing on my own two feet, handling myself better. Even the whole concept of, "Oh, it's a podcast about sex." But if you listen deeply, it's so much more.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right. So some of these different messages start to just ring true.

Pam Allan: That's the hook, right? That's the hook. But it's about more than that.

Corey Allan: Absolutely because this is one of those things that if you look at the journey that we've been on, obviously we want to go where people want to go. But it's so much more. Sex is so much more than just an act between a husband and a wife, right?

Pam Allan: I love Alice's just real response because I totally get where she's coming from, "Oh, for Pete's sake." Just rolling her eyes that he's just wanting this for more sex.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: But it is. All these things are, it's a web that's all entwined together, and one affects the other, right?

Corey Allan: Yeah, and here's another message that says, "Congratulations, Corey and Pam. 500 episodes. This is truly extraordinary. Good for you both. It's a testimony of the good work that you do together. I'm a binge listener, and I found your podcast just a few months ago. And i'm already up to the 450th episode."

Pam Allan: Holy cow.

Corey Allan: Love binge listeners. "I listen daily and often send a podcast to my husband that I wanted to discuss. We also get the weekly text reminder to check in, which has been great," which is the state of our union. So thank you. "I wanted to mention the thing that I find most valuable in your podcast is the scriptural point of view about sex without moving to the stereotypical Christian sex is sinful attitude. I'm sure you know what I mean. Sex is original sin. Oral sex is a sin. Even waiting for sex is a sin."
I look at a lot of different things in the messages that we have had to unpack, just those shadow messages that have been built in.
"So thank you both for what you do. I'm looking forward to your next 500 episodes."
And I love Pam, as you look over the years that we have been doing this together, you and I, that there's been a slight little focus shift that we're trying to kind of aim towards, which is that idea of we really want to help set Christians free sexually.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because there is so much that we've got to unwind and unravel that not quite sure some of that is true of the way it's been talked and taught, but mainly the silence has wreaked so much havoc that we want to set people free so that they can experience what sex really is and possibly can experience something for the first time.

Speaker 5: Sexy Marriage Radio has helped me personally and in my marriage in so many ways, but I think the thing that stands out to me the most was before I found Sexy Marriage Radio, I had pain during sex and I couldn't orgasm. But just through listening through so many episodes, it really gave me the courage to inaudible for what I want and what's good for me. So I started to talk to my doctor, talk to my friend, talk to a counselor, anyone that could help me, reading a book and listening to lots of SMR episodes. And after a while, I actually was able to orgasm, and now I can orgasm pretty much every time that we have sex. And I can just have so much more confidence to explore and have fun. And it's just helped me in so many ways, and I see my husband through the things that I've learned like communicating honestly. That's just made such a big difference in my personal growth and my marriage. So I'm really grateful. Probably before I found SMR, I probably did have penis envy. But now I'm like, no. I'll keep what I got. Thanks.

Pam Allan: I love her.

Corey Allan: I do too, and I love the idea of, "Yeah, I probably had a little penis envy."

Pam Allan: Right, right.

Corey Allan: Now, no.

Pam Allan: I'm good.

Corey Allan: I'm good with what I got.

Pam Allan: I'm good.

Corey Allan: And I love the fact that the sophistication of the way God created this whole thing. I love just seeing the journey of how when people can get their eyes opened up and realize, "Okay. Hold on, there's a whole new world out there that I can experience with pleasure, with connection, with depth, with novelty, with experience because we all get better as we go."

Pam Allan: Yeah, we just need a different perspective to allow us to open our eyes and be willing to go somewhere else that we haven't been before.

Corey Allan: Right. So through this whole thread, Pam, there has been a lot of times where I think this message has come up where people have found Sexy Marriage Radio in some pretty dark spots.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: Right. And so they're reaching out, they're stumbling across us to try to figure out how can I find something that helps alleviate some pain and some struggle. And here's a message that came in. It says, "Hey, Dr. Allan and Pam. A few years ago my world came crashing down. I discovered my wife of 14 years at that time was having an emotional affair. She had denied it and we would continue to argue. I had to do a lot of soul searching at that point in my life. My marriage was okay but truly it was really stagnant. There was very little lust and love anymore, and I thought to myself why? I'm a good man. I'm a volunteer firefighter, a good father, seldom drink, go out to parties. I cook, clean, fix the house and the vehicles. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy like me. But I slowly realized that I'm the classic nice guy just like my father is. The classic yes, dear guy that would rather bite his tongue rather than make waves. Then the mental and verbal dump would happen all at once ad everything that built up just pukes out and makes absolutely no sense."
"You guys have helped me realize how covert I've been, how I need to be working on me and it's a slow, painstaking process that will never end. There's another huge problem shortly thereafter that shattered my whole family when one child hurts another in a mixed family and how to cope. I just couldn't turn my back on my kids, and I knew I couldn't turn my back on my family either. Then I turned to the Bible, and I want you guys to know that your show has helped me through some tough times. So keep up the good work."

Pam Allan: Oh man, thank you for that.

Corey Allan: Absolutely because again, this is kind of talking about Sexy Marriage Radio, the hook is we're trying to help people experience better sex life. But we're really trying to help people just experience life.

Pam Allan: Right. I mean, your name, the first name for your business was Marriage Fully Alive.

Corey Allan: That's right.

Pam Allan: It was about being more alive in your individual life, in your marriage relationship, in your relationships with others, and that's really at the heart of it all.

Corey Allan: Absolutely, and again, there's a lot of fun that we've had with this. There's a lot of times where we've had a chance to meet people. One of them was at the getaway.

Austin: Hi, Corey and Pam. Congratulations on the 500th episode. My name is Austin, and my wife's name is Sarah. We've been married for over 12 years and we've been listening to the show for I think at least the last three years or so. We actually went to one of the Sexy Marriage Getaways. I think it was in 2018 in the summer, and had an awesome time there. We've had a great marriage over the last 12 years, and not really anything to complain about. I think we've had kind of the typical experience that many people have had that you've talked about on the show over the years that we have different levels of desire. I'm the higher desire partner; my wife tends to be the lower desire. And one of the things that's been really helpful has been just identifying the fact that in a relationship, in a marriage, that people are going to have different levels of desire in so many different areas. And the task of marriage is not to necessarily change the other person, but to learn how to live in that dynamic.
When we went on the getaway, we had an awesome time. It was just a wonderful time to get some time away and also to be there with other couples talking about just things that you normally don't talk about, especially in the church. Talked about sex with pretty candid levels of detail and that I think was a very helpful experience for the two of us in just being able to move forward talking pretty honestly with each other.
Since then, we've had a lot of great conversations talking about our different levels of desire, just being more out in the open. It helped me be a little bit more solid in making requests and dealing with rejection and not taking it as personally. And it's I think also helped my wife just being able to enjoy our encounters more and not feel maybe guilty or just being able to own how she felt in the moment. We've brought toys into our marriage, and that's something that I think your show has helped normalize and that's been a wonderful addition. It's actually been a great silver living here in 2020.
So I'm very thankful for what you all do in the show and just the extra spice and new life you've brought into our marriage. Once again, congratulations and thanks a lot. Bye.

Corey Allan: You are so welcome. I love adding spice.

Pam Allan: Right. Thanks, Austin. 2020, who would've thought that that would've been the year of the toy. Right?

Corey Allan: The year of spicing it up in different ways when everything else going on in the world is not spicy-

Pam Allan: Excellent.

Corey Allan: ... a lot of times. So one of the things we want to do today with episode 500 is we've asked you guys to celebrate with us, and one of the ways we're going to celebrate, he mentioned the getaway, which we weren't able to have in 2020. We are having it in 2021.

Pam Allan: In June 2021.

Corey Allan: It's June 17-20, 2021 here in the DFW area again. The Marriott Solana, the place that's treated us so well all these times. Start on a Thursday night, end on a Sunday morning around 11 or noon. So as part of 500, if you're listening to this right now, we're going to celebrate by giving away a registration to the getaway, which is a $695 value.

Pam Allan: Yes, we're so excited about that.

Corey Allan: So here's how you can win. So for the next two weeks, which encompasses basically the first two weeks of January in 2021...

Pam Allan: Is there like a specific date cutoff because two weeks depends on when people are listening to the episode.

Corey Allan: Well done, my accountant wife.

Pam Allan: Thank you.

Corey Allan: I love what you're doing here.

Pam Allan: Thank you.

Corey Allan: Yes, so it will be on January 9th.

Pam Allan: January 9th is the cutoff.

Corey Allan: Is the cutoff.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And we will just midnight wherever it is you live because it'll be stamped on the email. We'll know if it's in there on time or not. So what you have to do is send us an email feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. In the subject line put episode 500. That's all you got to put, and then in the body of the email tell us what would you hope to get at the getaway.

Pam Allan: Yup.

Corey Allan: Okay. And even to our listeners that register to join us in 2020 and weren't able to go, and several of you graciously said, "We're coming in 2021." Feel free to register for this too. Everybody gets a chance. So what we'll do is we'll make a list of all of these in a spreadsheet, and then we'll go to a randomizer that's a website and put the numbers of the perimeters in between it and have it pick a random number. We will notify you via email that you won, and we'll get you all the details of what you do next. So celebrate with us by coming to the getaway come June because it is a fantastic time together, and we hope to see you there.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: So we need to segue just a slightly different with this, Pam.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because Sexy Marriage Radio, it's a team.

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: This whole thing has been done because of a lot of people.

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: That have helped make this thing happen. First and foremost, I need to thank two ladies.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: So Gina Paris joined me at that very, very beginning of this whole thing. So shout out to Gina Paris. She was the one that I initially approached with, "Hey girl, let's do a podcast and I want it to be about married sex because it's not being talked about enough." And she jumped at the chance. I love it. So she was with me for two years.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: She needed a transition. So then low and behold while I'm at the American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference, who do I meet? Shannon Etheridge.

Pam Allan: Didn't Gina introduce the two of you?

Corey Allan: She was doing some behind the scenes kind of laying some groundwork, absolutely. But I went to Shannon's breakout session and walked up and was chatting with her, and so then she joined us for four and a half years and helped get this thing to where the getaway actually became a reality. Helped expand the show, the topics, just-

Pam Allan: Helped set up the academy.

Corey Allan: Yes, absolutely. So without the help of Shannon Etheridge and Gina Paris, we would not be here because I did not ever want this thing to be just a dude talking about married sex.

Pam Allan: Right. That's a little awkward.

Corey Allan: I can't see people tuning in every week for that to happen and keep it going. But then now the last two and a half years, you and I have been running this thing.

Pam Allan: It's been a lot of fun, hasn't it?

Corey Allan: It absolutely has. It's been a real treat to every week get on the microphone with you, my wife, and just chat about what's going on with the SMR Nation, what will help them. And I have to say, baby, I've been so impressed with how you have captured the voice of the lower desire and the woman and just the every day person.

Pam Allan: Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Corey Allan: As well as challenge things that are just being real and kind of capture the dynamic that plays out in every single marriage.

Pam Allan: Well, thank you.

Corey Allan: Right, because this has been a treat to watch the evolution unfold on the air and off for us, and that's a little bit of a tease for where we're headed in the extended content.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: But then there's also some people that truly do help make it happen each and every week.

Jess: Hi, Corey and Pam. This is Jamie and Jess calling from Louisville to shout out a big congratulations on 500 episodes. You've been such a blessing to so many marriages, including ours.

Jamie: We've been listening for over five years, and it still is relevant today as it was when we first started listening. Even when the topics aren't specific to our relationship, it provides good conversations and continues to open different doors into our relationships. We can't thank you enough.

Jess: And we can't wait to hear what the next 500 episodes brings. Congratulations.

Jamie: Congrats.

Pam Allan: Corey can't do this right now anymore without Jessica. She is the behind the scenes for him.

Corey Allan: Yup.

Pam Allan: Doing so much help for him. So thank you so much, Jamie and Jessica. We have so much fun hanging out and just laughing together when we actually get to see each other. It's states away from each other, but such a treat to work together.

Corey Allan: Yes, this is a team effort. It's helped create what we've got. Shiloh Weir for a year or so has been incredibly helpful-

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: ... with some behind the scenes tech, organizing all the episodes. So this is a team thing. It's not just you and I sitting behind the microphone each and every week. So thank you, thank you, thank you for all the people that help run this thing. So not only is it a team that gets this thing going each and every week, it actually has created a community-

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: ... as well with the academy-

Pam Allan: Definitely.

Corey Allan: ... that is a group of people that truly have evolved into something that it's not self sustaining but it almost is.

Pam Allan: Yeah, yeah.

Corey Allan: They truly are supportive of one another, helpful for one another, constantly looking out for help, resources. It's just a collaboration. This message is from some of the ones that have been along this journey with us for a while. And this is from Judy. "500 episodes, and we've been with you in the nation for 400. We are ever so grateful for the golden nuggets we've experienced as part of the nation. Gaining the courage to opening hard conversations was pivotal. Today, we do not really experience hard conversations. The transparency with whole-hearted truth and trusting each other to have capacity for our feeling has made our really good relationship absolutely great. No longer do we read one another to try to soften things for one another. We truly are closer than ever and without inhibitions. We honestly had to become better at self, which is a huge part of your message. So keep doing what you're doing and helping us to improve our marriage. May the new year be brighter. Love, Judy."

Pam Allan: Oh, thank you, Judy. Judy's been with us for so long.

Corey Allan: Yeah, there are several members of the academy that are just vital voices-

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: ... to helping support, helping encourage.

Pam Allan: Lots of good wisdom.

Corey Allan: Ask the questions.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Because sometimes there's times where you're a little nervous to ask the questions.

Pam Allan: Sure, sure. Absolutely.

Corey Allan: But low and behold, you can grow to where you have the courage.

Cheryl: Hi, Corey and Pam. Congratulations on episode 500. This is Cheryl from the SMR Academy. Ryan and I have been on this journey with you for many years, and it has been an amazing ride. For me personally, you have helped me come out of my shell so I can build confidence in myself to have the most enjoyable and blessed relationship with my husband. In the bedroom, my eyes were opened as Ryan and I can enjoy the beauty of sex together. I've learned many things because of the honesty on your show. You and your co host never back down from any question, whether related to sex or not. Through attending the SMR events in Dallas, I began to understand that I must stand alone and to know who I am. With the help of the Lord, I am able to do that. I also stand strong beside my husband through many seasons of our life.
The academy has allowed me to ask questions in Slack and be brave enough to ask them on our coaching calls. The academy members have become family that I can tell my problems to and am not judged but given an honest response. It doesn't matter if it's sex related or not, but it's meaningful because someone takes the time to listen and respond.
Congratulations again. Take care.

Corey Allan: That's the thing that has kind of rung true the most to me is the sense that not only are we not alone in the struggles that we face, but there are people that are willing to listen.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And when we know we're not alone, it is just a huge puff of wind to our sails it seems. It just lifts our spirits. It helps us have hope, helps us discover new horizons possibly because you start to see all throughout our journey that we're not as unique as maybe we think we are. We're not as isolated as maybe we think we are.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right. And so the other thing that stands out to me with this whole thing, Pam, is the academy has evolved and grown and has created this community, but this is also the whole thing of doing Sexy Marriage Radio has introduced me to a lot of people that have been given me the honor to work with them and to try to help. And here's a couple that ring true from that.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: This is an email that came across that says, "When I stumbled across your podcast, I was in a sexless, unhappy marriage. We were very close to parting ways. Oh, how things have changed. You've taught me to be more solid, to stop being a milk toast nice guy. How unsexy is that? No more chasing my wife's approval in order to manage my own anxiety. No more of a victim mentality. You offered me a new healthy perspective on our marital struggles and how I was co creating them. After almost 23 years of marriage, the spark between us has never been stronger. My wife used to fear my sexual interest, but now she seems to relish it. I thank God for my wife and the way that our relationship has been redeemed. Your podcast and the mastermind group were an instrumental part in this. So thank you from the bottom of my heart."
"As a Christian, it's refreshing to hear sex talked about from a healthy, God honoring perspective. This is exceedingly rare and desperately needed. So keep up the good work and at least 500 more episodes, please."

Pam Allan: Sweet. Thank you. Thank you for that.

Corey Allan: Totally because this journey, it seems like as we kind of round down the free segment today. If you just kind of look at how this has evolved from it went with shows where we kind of came up with the topics as far as Shannon and I and Gina and I.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And then even shortly for the first section with you and I.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: And then we kind of landed on this idea of letting the people that are in the nation, ask your questions. We'll answer them.

Pam Allan: Be specific, yeah. Let's go after your specific idea.

Corey Allan: Right because whatever it is that you're facing, you can guarantee other people are too.

Pam Allan: Exactly.

Corey Allan: And we'll try to find the answers, and we'll try to give good, healthy, pro-marriage responses that are holy and they're honoring the sacredness of marriage without being preachy.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That seems to be kind of the sweet spot we're shooting for, and I think we've hit it, babe. I think-

Pam Allan: I sure hope so.

Corey Allan: I think that there's a lot of great nuggets that are worth sharing in this whole thing, and this is from a listener that I think he kind of sums it all up. It's a little longer, but he's got some really great takeaways.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Speaker 10: Hi, Dr. Allan. I wanted to say thank you all for the time and effort you and Pam have put into Sexy Marriage Radio. You have had a very positive impact on my life, and I wanted to share a little bit about that. My wife and I have been married for over 11 years now. Due to our Christian faith, we both waited to have sex until we were married. I went into the marriage with unrealistic sexual expectations. For instance, I thought that sex would be easy with what I saw in the movies and my battle with pornography growing up. I was naïve to believe that mostly every sexual encounter would be spontaneous, passionate, and end with both partners climaxing at the same time. Also, I lacked the knowledge and understanding of the importance of growing the emotional and spiritual connection between us.
I thought my wife would want sex all the time, even when I did not bring my best self to the marriage each day. So needless to say, our marriage did not start off well. I was extremely selfish, impatient, and insensitive during the first four years or so of my marriage. We had numerous fights about our sex life and how she wasn't meeting my needs. I'm not proud of some of the things that I said to her during that time.
There were other issues that I will maybe share another time, but in 2015, after about six years into the marriage, my frustration level was at an all time high. However, due to my faith and experiencing the negative consequences of divorce with my parents, I decided that divorce wasn't an option. So I sought professional help, even though my wife did not want to join me.
In my search for marital resources, I found your podcast. Since that time up to now, I've gradually realized after a lot of prayer, reading several marriage books that you've recommended, such as Fireproof, Sacred Marriage, and No More Mr. Nice Guy, and having some in-person counseling sessions with you, that I needed to become a more solid man and stop blaming my wife for our problems.
I've learned so much on this journey of self improvement over the last six years, but I wanted to share a list of my five key takeaways of what I've learned about myself and my marriage. First, my nice guy tendencies of being a pleaser but also passive aggressive or an inhibitor to improving my sexual bond with my wife. For instance, I often did extra chores around the house when I wanted sex. My wife could see right through me. Now I do chores without expectation of anything in return because it's the right thing to do. Also, I realized that I needed to be confident in what I wanted and not apologize for it.
Second, there have been countless times where I would initiate sex and then pout about it if she didn't respond positively to my advances, especially early on in the marriage. These would result in heated arguments about sexual frequency. While this is easier said than done, I've learned not to be tied to the outcome and use the rejection as data for the next time I initiate sex. When I do get upset, I keep it to myself and bring my concerns to God while staying true to what I want.
Third, I've realized that my wife and most other women need open and honest communication, soft, nonsexual affection, a feeling of security in the relationship, and leadership from their husbands. I wasn't giving her those things, especially the leadership part. So I've been determined to be more solid, present, disciplined, and confident if I'm going to be the right man for her.
You asked me once, Corey, if I would want to be married to myself. I said no. You encouraged me to bring my best self to the marriage and act like I was dating her, but also go back to having my own hobbies. I've taken that to heart, and it's the improvements with our marriage.
The fourth main lesson that I've learned is that our family or origin differences have had a major impact on our marital dynamics. My dad wasn't around growing up. So I was primarily raised by my mom and my older sister. They were very caring, affirming and affectionate while they raised me. My wife on the other hand had a very conservative upbringing. Her father had a military background, was an elder in their church, and ran a very tight ship. Also, dressing modestly was drilled into her psyche by her mom, which has had a negative impact on her view of her body now as an adult.
Thinking through these various experiences during my childhood and how I was raised has helped me develop a better understanding of who I am while also helping me to realize the importance of being patient, sensitive to my wife as we work through these differences.
Lastly and most importantly, Corey, you have helped me redefine what sex means in marriage. In the first four years or so of my marriage, I mostly just used sex as a way to make me feel good and as a way for my wife to stroke my ego with meeting my frequency quota. I've learned that in order for our sex life to improve and to reach its fullest potential according to God's standard, that I had to view sex as a way for us to connect emotionally, physically and spiritually. For instance, my word for sex now with my wife is connecting. So instead of asking my wife if I can a release tonight, I say, "I'm going to be coming onto you tonight because I want to connect." This attitude and mindset change has improved the quality of our sex life. My wife knows now that I want her to be emotionally available and to be fully engaged in the process. If she isn't, I don't want to have sex.
It's taken time, but through your podcast, Corey, God has worked on me to make me a more solid man, effective disciple of Christ, and better husband. I still do have setbacks with going back to my old ways, but my wife can tell a difference in me.

Corey Allan: And he finishes it because it cut off. So he sent in, "While there's some aspects of our sex life that I'm not satisfied with, I'm choosing to be happy with the progress we've made. God bless you, Corey and Pam, and here's to another 500 episodes."

Pam Allan: Wow. He's done some serious soul searching.

Corey Allan: He has and following his lead, Pam, I'm going to be coming after you tonight because I want to connect.

Pam Allan: Oh, down.

Corey Allan: So it only seems appropriate that we start to wind this whole episode down with we got two more messages.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: One came in via email that says, "What does SMR mean to me? The short answer is our relationship is better, and we have better sex than when we started listening from around five years ago. In the beginning, I binge listened, but as I caught up and I'm listening every week, I think I've listened to almost all the episodes. Five years ago, we would listen together in the car, but now as our oldest kids have started to learn English better, that's no longer an option anymore. So it's mainly just me listening."
And I love this because this is from one of our listeners from overseas.

Pam Allan: Yes, okay.

Corey Allan: So I love the fact that this is worldwide.

Pam Allan: Yes, that's so fabulous.

Corey Allan: In so many countries-

Pam Allan: That's fabulous.

Corey Allan: ... that this thing reaches.
"So the longer answer of what SMR means to me is I handle myself better. I handle getting rejected better, and I'm better at expressing my emotions on at an earlier stage rather than bottling them up until I erupt. I'm also better at articulating what sex and certain sex acts mean. We've had a lot of progress in the last five years. I'm very lucky that my wife is very kind, loving and accepting of me. And although she's not listening to the Marriage Podcast, she feels that I'm doing this and choosing her and investing in our relationships through listening to these podcasts. So thank you for what you're doing and keep up the great work."

Pam Allan: Fabulous.

Brian Harbert: This is Brian Harbert. Really, Corey, 500 episodes about sex? Don't you ever get tired of talking about it? Don't answer. I can already hear you laughingly respond with a resounding no. And you know, I'm glad that's true. It's really a paradox. Sex is the hook that lured me to the SMR Podcast in hopes to figuring out how I could fix my wife and improve that facet of our relationship. Like many other SMR listeners, I was soon a binge listener, initially scrolling to look for episodes that interested me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole was.
In my late 50s and married 30 plus years, I felt I was already pretty well versed in the subject of marriage and sex. But I quickly realized how naïve I was. The past several years, SMR has provided us the tools and information to build and often rebuild our marriage relationship. It's involved a lot of learning, talking, listening, reading, introspection, and often tearing down and constructing new ways of thinking.
In the end, I've learned that while sex aspect is important, the lion share of the work is learning how to become a better you. Another major truth I've learned is how intricately entwined life is. I've always been a real black and white and linear thinking kind of guy who's attempted to separate and work on different areas of my life individually. This lead me to be frequently frustrated, hopelessly trying to juggle responsibilities and fix situations to keep life running smoothly. I've learned that I'm only responsible for and can only fix me and that marriage is a people growing machine.
Belonging to the SMR Nation and Academy is like being in a perpetual university of higher learning of life. And as we both work on becoming the best us individually to better our relationship and connection gain the potential for better, hotter sex. Good sex requires intention and hard work, and in turn good sex provides an emotional, physical bond that helps the relationship go the long haul.
In closing, some thanks are in order. First and foremost, to our often mysterious God and creator for creating the institution of marriage and the beauty of sex. Second, I want to thank Corey for being obedient to listen and follow God's call to offering himself in this ministry and to his wife Pam for standing by him the whole time and now assisting him in the role as co host. Thirdly, thanks to both prior co hosts, Gina Paris and Shannon Etheridge, without both of you and your valuable input on all the earlier episodes, number 500 would never have been possible. And lastly, thank you to the SMR Nation and Academy. A group of individuals how aren't afraid to reveal their vulnerabilities, help you with your issues, and who are a heck of a lot of fun to spend time with. They're like a family and your fraternity brothers all rolled into one.
Thank you, SMR Nation and congratulations on number 500.

Corey Allan: Well said, Brian.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Well said.

Pam Allan: Thank you so much.

Corey Allan: Well, baby, 500.

Pam Allan: I feel old.

Corey Allan: You look good.

Pam Allan: Well, thanks.

Corey Allan: Well, a special heartfelt thanks to the SMR Nation.

Pam Allan: Yeah. It's all you can say.

Corey Allan: You guys make this thing all that it can be and so much more. You mean so much to us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, and thanks for celebrating with us and joining us through this whole journey. And man, here's to all that's to come.
So this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Be sure you send us an email if you want to get a free giveaway to the getaway so that your registration is covered.

Pam Allan: Get it on the drawing.

Corey Allan: You got until January 9th. So get that email in now. So wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for celebrating with us and we'll see you next time.

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