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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Question Potpourri #455

Registration for the 2020 Sexy Marriage Radio Getaway is open. Save your spot by clicking here.

On the Regular version of today’s show …

A question from a wife about a condition her husband has called phimosis and how this impacts their sex life. 

Another wife wants to know how to get her husband to be more romantic.

A wife calls wanting to know how to be more free and let go in her sex life.

On the Xtended version …

A caller asks us three questions – female-led relationships – pleasure derived from pain during sex – and vibrators. 

Enjoy the show!

Got a question?

CALL US 214-702-9565
or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Corey Allan:
This just came into the inbox at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, Pamela.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
"I just listened to the free version of episode 454 where a guest commented on scheduling sex. My husband and I started scheduling sex because he wanted it four times a week and I never wanted it. He insists that physical intimacy is part of a healthy marriage and I saw that we related better when we had sex. On the scheduled days I was able to psych myself up for it throughout the day so it wasn't bitter every time, but it was still duty sex on my part for eight years. But because I had to deal with it three times a week, I got to the point of wanting to make it better because I wept at the prospect of having to continue to have sex for the rest of my life like this.

Corey Allan:
A lot of factors were involved, but now my husband is not looking for his validation through sex. He now knows the clitoris needs to be stimulated and I began to stand up for what I want in all areas of the marriage. Now, our scheduled sex provides anticipation for him and me setting my daily schedule to mentally get in the mood to be ready to enjoy time with him after our four young kids are in bed. I became aware of your podcast after hearing you on Authentic Intimacy. The combination of a theology and purpose of sex from Authentic Intimacy and your practical tips and ideas have greatly helped our marriage. A huge thank you to you both."

Pam Allan:
Nice. Nice. That's someone kind of coming into their own and really working hard to seek out and be better.

Corey Allan:
And that's what we want to have happen here at Sexy Marriage Radio Nation, is we want people to recognize that things get better and the way they get better in marriage is I get better as a person, as a human being, as the way I function.

Pam Allan:
Right. That's exactly what this lady was doing.

Corey Allan:
That it's not just in my sex life, it's in all of my life and it's in marriage because we believe married sex is the sacred, blessed area where sex can just be fantastic and that's what we want for those of you out there in the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation.

Pam Allan:
That's right.

Corey Allan:
Where if you want to let us know what you think, jump on the inbox just like this ma'am, this lady did. This ma'am, I don't know that was.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Corey Allan:
This lady did and let us know at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. Or you can call in at (214) 702-9565 and leave a voicemail. That gets you to the front of the line of any questions that you may have that you want us to answer because we go where the audience wants to go. That's the whole kitten caboodle of Sexy Marriage Radio's process over the last eight and a half years almost.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And we have to give us a special shout out. This past weekend Pam and I were honored to be invited to come speak at a marriage conference at Preston Trail Church right here in our area-

Pam Allan:
Yeah. Frisco, Texas.

Corey Allan:
... where they did a Valentine's Day marriage conference and we were doing some breakout sessions on Saturday morning and it was a wonderful time.

Pam Allan:
Yeah. Always love going to that church. Talk about taking it where you want to go right there. They're not afraid there to speak up and ask the questions.

Corey Allan:
Although I think, again, we were one of the few that have ever spoken on that stage so frankly about sex and the concepts that happened in life and love.

Pam Allan:
And kudos to them for wanting to have that topic out there.

Corey Allan:
And that's what we love doing is just having the conversations that people are longing to have when it comes to their marriage and their sex life and that's what Sexy Marriage Radio exists for. It's to help frame the conversation for what's going on in your life. And if you want to get even more, if you're new to the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation because you're just now jumping on board after hearing us at Preston Trail, or if you're new, welcome. If you want to go even deeper, come to the getaway with us in June on the 18th through the 21st of 2020, this summer where four days of just great time, a small group of couples and we're going to go and experience a lot of really cool things.

Pam Allan:
Really looking forward to it this year.

Corey Allan:
Registration's happening now. It's filling up fast. We will sell out.

Pam Allan:
Definitely.

Corey Allan:
I bet. And so if you haven't registered yet, please do. There's payment plans available, but come join us. It's going to be a fabulous time.

Corey Allan:
So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, your questions and our answers. We're just going where they want to go today, Pam.

Pam Allan:
All right.

Corey Allan:
And then on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there's no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com, more of your questions and our answers. This is just a question potpourri show today.

Pam Allan:
I like the word potpourri. Let's get rolling.

Corey Allan:
So all of that is coming up on today's show. So right out of the gate, this email just came in, Pam, that from a wife that discovered Sexy Marriage Radio last month and has been grateful for the information and the resources. She has a question that she searched for answers and she just can't find responses anywhere. There's one blog out there, but that's one guy's personal experience and opinion. So there's nothing else. So here's the background. "My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have four kids and a great life. Outside of the bedroom hubby and I are awesome friends and a great team, but inside the bedroom we've always struggled. It's the only issue we ever fight about. We married young and were naive and had absolutely no guidance in this area. We were both virgins and any questions we had leading up to the wedding were met with, 'Oh, it'll all work out.'" Which is a sad statement that a lot of times people don't answer the questions well of concerns that people can have.

Corey Allan:
"Well, five years ago we learned that the hubby has a condition called for phimosis. And because of this it's always been this way, he didn't realize this was an issue. Because the only naked man I've ever seen is him, I didn't know that this was an issue. So armed with some cream and a vague, 'do some stretching from the doctor,' very little progress was made and then he just gave up. Now to my question, can you address how this condition impacts our sex life, if at all? And would fixing the problem make things feel better for him or for me? Thanks for your help."

Pam Allan:
So I'd say first off, let's define what phimosis is.

Corey Allan:
Phisomis is, and I'm going to be willing to bet this is a new thing for you.

Pam Allan:
Definitely. That's the first time I've heard that word.

Corey Allan:
So phimosis is something that can happen for an uncircumcised man and the foreskin closes around... Because normally if you're talking about an uncircumcised penis, the foreskin will wrap around the head of the penis and that's what protects it when it's flacid. And even possibly even when it's erect, it can make it to where it's still the head at the tip of the penis stays covered. Phimosis is a tightening of that skin so it can make it to where erections can be painful. And for a lot of boys, this is what I've come across, a lot of boys when they are diagnosed with this and they asked the question, which is again, a lot of times people don't always ask the question because uncircumcised penises look a lot of different ways because depending on the amount of foreskin present. So a lot of times what they will say as a boy starts to grow, he will grow out of this. Apparently this husband has not. And so what they were given as the advice was cream and stretching because usually that means you have to, with an erection you have to grab the foreskin and pull it down to expose the head of the penis, which can be painful because that foreskin has tightened.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, that sounds excruciating.

Corey Allan:
It absolutely could be. So the treatment I've come across, and this is just from the research I've done on this, the options are what the doctors recommended, which is utilize the creams and utilize the stretching. Typically, when that's partnered with erections, that helps. You can do some stretching even when you're not erect, but you don't get the same amount of result most likely.

Pam Allan:
Sure.

Corey Allan:
But this means he has to be willing to tolerate some discomfort most likely. The other option is surgical options all the way to circumcision, which there are some men that have been circumcised as adults and that is a possibility. I've had two clients over the history of my counseling practice where they did get a circumcision when they were late into their adulthood, well past the time when you normally would as a baby for sure. And the recovery was pretty painful and it even had some desensitization for them. There were some drawbacks that they weren't expecting.

Pam Allan:
Weren't expecting. Okay.

Corey Allan:
And that's part of why they started to come to see me is because we got some issues and physical is only so only a part of it.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
So will this impact your sex life? Yes, this impacts your sex life because it makes it to where he could have an aversion to wanting to get an erection. Right? And so that means he's tried to stay away from the arousal component completely. There's not a draw. Even if deep down he's got to draw towards it, there's a conflicting that can go on. I don't know how it impacts. If this is fixed and corrected, it can impact her. I'm assuming since they have four children, they've had intercourse and it can be something they do. So if he creates a little more comfort in this area of his life, I would assume that will translate into a little more comfort for her because he's more comfortable there.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, those kinds of things you feed off each other a little bit, right?

Corey Allan:
Totally.

Pam Allan:
I mean, if one spouse knows the other one is hurting, I would expect the other one to be tentative and just not as free flowing with-

Corey Allan:
And that's where we come up with all these different ways to just not even go near the arena because it's this whole that's just uncomfortable. I don't want to do this. And again, my thought would be go back to a doc and have a conversation. Educate yourself, go with him. And, if he's unwilling, then at least I've got more data to know, okay, what am I really facing? What's the real issue we're talking about here? Because if it's just that, okay, maybe there's some solutions because science has come a long way in the last decade or two more in more things that we're learning about the body and possibly there's better alternatives and procedures that can help you. And so address it head on, be up front about it because it's obviously something it sounds like she wants a little bit more in the sexual arena with him, but he's got to come to grips and be comfortable with himself. And what does that mean? How does he confront what life has kind of dealt him right now?

Pam Allan:
Yeah. In this scenario, he's the one that's got to take charge of it. It's his body, right?

Corey Allan:
Exactly.

Pam Allan:
His pain. He's the one that's got to step up and do it.

Corey Allan:
Exactly. And so I think fixing the problem can help the sex life. Absolutely. Because if you remove some of the encumbrances. I would liken this to a degree vaginismus. That if it's just uncomfortable, it's you're able to, but it's just not as comfortable, that would be analogous to the condition I would think. So it's almost just kind of recognizing, okay, what are the steps I can do because I want to take this into my life and confront what's going on better so then I can share the rest with my wife.

Corey Allan:
So another email that came in, it's been around for a little bit that just says, "I've been married for 20 plus years," this is from a wife, "And I've begged my husband to be more romantic. He thinks it's stupid and embarrassing. I've cried, yelled, screamed, tried to be more romantic for him. Nothing works. The only parts of my body he touches are my boobs and between my legs. We have a great sex life. Always have but I need more and I've even said it to him. I don't want to wake up at 70 years old and look back and wish I had this in my life. I've bought books, videos, you name it. So how do I get him to be more romantic?"

Pam Allan:
High desire, low desire, that's what I'm hearing more. I'm just hearing the emails of how do I get my wife to want more sex? Or it's the same scenario for whatever it is. I can't force a spouse to want something the way that I want it.

Corey Allan:
Right. And I applaud her that where she talks about, I've even tried to be more romantic for him. I'm curious of what that means.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, I was wondering about that too. I want her to be more romantic herself and try and set the stage the way... Do what you want to see and provide that for him, model it for him.

Corey Allan:
Model and lead towards what it is you want because it sounds like... So they have an exchange to a degree of their relationship that's satisfactory, I guess you could say. Right? That it's nothing that's major going wrong. It's a little perturbing. Right? Because she's describing his idea of romance is just heading for the genitalia sweet spots. And she sounds like I want all of me involved. I want to be romanced. I want to be drawn up into something bigger that touches on other senses and emotions and experiences that's not just sexual.

Pam Allan:
Right. Yeah. And that's not a unique desire, right?

Corey Allan:
Not at all.

Pam Allan:
You want to be wanted. You want someone to kind of be a student of you that would be so fabulous. And to seemingly have a lack of desire for someone to be a student of you and you're crying out for something, it would be quite disheartening.

Corey Allan:
Right. And so then it comes down to and what I hear in this is, and I like the way you're framing this Pam, is I'm crying out to them, how? Because obviously when I'm trying to explain something to someone else and I'm getting the same result, there's something going wrong on both sides. Maybe I could come up with a different way to come about this. And then what comes to my mind is how do you define the word I want to be more romantic? I want more romance. What does that mean?

Pam Allan:
And I agree and that's where I was a little bit confused because I guess maybe he totally has no idea when his idea of romance, he doesn't touch her anywhere except boobs and between the legs. Yeah, that's not romance, right? I picture romance is it has nothing to do really with sex. It's about kind of the setup and how do we love one another and how do we entice one another and how to... it's kind of the setup of everything.

Corey Allan:
Right. Well it's almost a-

Pam Allan:
It's a mental game.

Corey Allan:
It's an emotional foreplay. It's a banter. It's a longing. It's a yearning that's not just sexual.

Pam Allan:
Yeah. So I wasn't clear if it was that kind of thing or if it's actually more of the foreplay where she's trying to get at.

Corey Allan:
Right. And that's where, just trying to be more clear because if you say, "Hey, I want more romance," then okay, I hear that differently than you would Pam. Right?

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
That's the same kind of word, the way we define the word intimate, what does that mean? There's a lot of different reasons that we attached to it.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, people conjure up a lot of different ideas.

Corey Allan:
So sometimes just trying to be a little more specific on I'm looking to be wooed more. I want you to be chivalrous with me. I want you to take me out on dates. I want you to have long conversations. I want you to create experiences. Those are all variations of romance. And so trying to be as clear and concise as you can of this is what I'm looking for at least gives a framework of what you can do. But then you're still... She's in this dilemma though because the sex is good, the relationship is good, but she's not getting what she wants. So to get what she wants, she has to recognize, I'm going to probably have to create a disruption to show how important this is to me. Otherwise, I'm not showing that this is really mattering to me.

Pam Allan:
And what does that disruption look like?

Corey Allan:
It might mean the first time or the next time he just goes straight to boobs, you say, "Yeah, the sex would've been really good, but I'm not just allowing just go straight to boobs at this point. Got to change your game, buddy."

Pam Allan:
What else you got?

Corey Allan:
Right. There's other parts of me that's more than just this little areas of square inch. Inches, not inch. I don't want to shortchange any woman, but you know what I mean, that it's that idea of when we accept what's going on, it's tacit consent to, I'm okay with it. Rather than, my words are one thing, but my actions have to back it up. And so that doesn't necessarily mean you have to say, "Okay, sex is off the table until you start romancing me more." But it can mean no, I'm going to make you work for it differently this time. Even if she really wants it to, there's still an element of, I value this. I'm worth more than this, so I'm going to step up in the way I change my game with this and I'm going to see what he does with it. And be prepared, it's going to disrupt things, likely. He's going to be, "Oh, you're serious. Okay." And then you see, is he willing to really be a student of you or not, or is it truly, "This is what works for me. I'm good." And so now you're at stalemate. Which you're already at stalemate, this is just a different level of discomforting stalemate.

Speaker 5:
Hi guys. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your podcast. I listen to it. I am now a binger. I just stumbled across it a couple of weeks ago. My question is, as a younger woman and branching from my later teens, especially in high school because of my body type specifically, I was labeled as more of a promiscuous type girl. I was not. In fact, was very dedicated to saving myself for marriage and very strong in my beliefs. However, those bullies and the ways that those people spoke to me kind of gave me this mindset that I had to try very hard to make sure I could be portrayed as the good girl. That mindset carried into then my marriage and that my husband had even at one point made a comment that because of my body type, again, more of a voluptuous type body, that he thought as well whenever we first started dating that maybe I was more on the promiscuous side.

Speaker 5:
This made me a bit guarded and honestly has, I've noticed as we have grown together over the years, we've been married 15 years and it has taken me up to now to start recognizing that letting go of that good girl mentality means that I can let go whenever we are intimate as well. For instance, there are certain things that could easily have been portrayed as what a promiscuous person would have done and I steered clear of them. So now I want to explore those things and be more adventurous with my husband. However, breaking out of that good girl mentality and that fear has been quite an issue. If you guys can explore any tips to deal with this, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much for all that you do. Have a great day.

Corey Allan:
So Pam, to start off, when you hear the word promiscuous because again, this whole episode in some regards it's going to be about meanings, right?

Pam Allan:
Definitely.

Corey Allan:
What do you hear when you hear the word promiscuous?

Pam Allan:
I'm ready to just jump into bed with pretty much anyone. I'm pretty free with my sexuality.

Corey Allan:
Is there a difference between promiscuous and slutty? Because this is what's coming out to me because I'm curious, hearing her and the way she's been stereotyped and objectified as she developed, I'm almost hearing an interchanging of those words and I don't think there's an interchanging of those words. One has a much more degrading versus promiscuous is a little more free is what she's even describing. What she wants to be.

Pam Allan:
I don't know. I guess in my mind they were pretty similar.

Corey Allan:
Are they? And that's fair. But again, I think it comes down to for her, she's asking the question, this is something I fought because I had my guard up because I didn't want to portray it even though apparently her body did led people to assume that. But I'm curious in some regards, tell me if I'm wrong Pam because I've not been a woman being raised in a world that is sexualized and objectifying women in large ways, in some regards isn't this the plight of a lot of women or am I wrong?

Pam Allan:
The assumption of promiscuousness, no.

Corey Allan:
No. The assumption of the way people read her versus the way she reads herself, the assumption of objectification. We've done episodes on objectification way back and even got some pretty good fodder that came in and some pushback that came in because it has this element of like, "No you're not supposed to do that." But there is an element of that's kind of a relationship dynamic especially in society.

Pam Allan:
Yeah. I don't know that it's restricted just to females though. I think that we all have potentially things that we think other people think of us, either we know or we think they think of us that maybe we don't like. And so we fight against those. There's a way we were raised and we fight against those things. And so I think that this just takes on that form. That's just Pam's opinion.

Corey Allan:
Because here's what stands out to me hearing her is she's describing that she was cast in a category that she wanted nothing to do with. That She had a moral standard and a value and she ran from that, didn't even want to portray it it sounds like even though her body was not in line with that. And now she's at this point of realizing, wait, that's actually started to limit me, especially when it comes to my marriage. And so I hear this as this is some serious self-development possibilities of coming to grips with-

Pam Allan:
I'd agree with you.

Corey Allan:
... you know what? Okay, let's look at the macro level of this. When I, because this is where our scripts can start to wreak all kinds of havoc to us. That when I first started getting this sense of people are labeling me as I'm a promiscuous girl. "Oh she's one of that, she's that, Oh," that kind of stuff. And I'm like, "No, I don't want to." And so she pulls back, she squashes those thoughts, she steers them differently. Maybe she dresses differently, handles herself differently to try to do everything she can to not send those kinds of signals and at that time it makes perfect sense. But now that script in marriage, she's realizing, wait, I need to challenge this because that script doesn't work for me as well.

Pam Allan:
Well right. Yeah. If she's in bed being the good girl still and not experiencing potentially more of what you can experience with your spouse, then definitely that's a script you want to get in there and try and just maybe blow up.

Corey Allan:
Right. And so then if this couple was sitting in my office, which I would love this kind of interchange because I would want to be able to see faces with the questions, I would want to ask her, what do you suppose would happen were you to ask the man sitting next to you, husband, to treat you, see you as how he originally saw you, to approach you that way? To kind of challenge, just bring it out in the open. If he wants to come at you because he sees you as more adventurous, more spontaneous, well, what do you suppose what happened? And I'd want to read both faces to see.

Pam Allan:
And that's interesting that it sounds like you're equating promiscuous with adventurous and spontaneous.

Corey Allan:
I'm going with where she wants to be now.

Pam Allan:
Okay. Got you.

Corey Allan:
Because I'm going to stay with the merits and the value of our show of, if this is in the relationship of a marriage and it's two consenting adults and it's in line with their values, go for it. Be as vibrant as you can be as people. Promiscuous oftentimes has a connotation of multiple people. It doesn't matter all, it's not just with one person. That's in my mind. I hear it as, Oh they're promiscuous. That means they sleep a round, not just one person. But I would want to hear and see the dynamic between the two of them to see does that make her squirm? Because that's kind of, then, she's talking about, that's an undercurrent of the relationship and so let's bring that to the forefront to utilize that energy better and have more pointed conversations about it better. And then she could do some of the soul searching of how do I come to grips with who I am and the power I have and the body I have and the vibrancy it is and the allure and whatever. The swagger though, whatever it might be. And how do I use that super power for good in my marriage?

Pam Allan:
I love that you used the word superpower, right?

Corey Allan:
Why not?

Pam Allan:
Right. Because historically it sounds like for her that is quite the opposite of what she-

Corey Allan:
Something to run from.

Pam Allan:
... would have thought it would be called.

Corey Allan:
Right. But why not see it as, you know what? I am beautifully and wonderfully made. So how about I treat it as such and how lucky my husband is to get to experience me.

Pam Allan:
Exactly. Exactly.

Corey Allan:
So as we've had the trend the last couple of episodes, the last few months, Pam, of we've got a voicemail we'll answer in the extended. But we'll play it here because this voicemail actually has three questions so we have quite a bit we'll be unpacking.

Pam Allan:
Oh perfect.

Corey Allan:
But this is a taste of where we're heading in today's extended content.

Speaker 7:
Hey Dr. Corey and Pam. Thank you for your show. Really appreciate it and really do enjoy the dynamics that the two of you have on the show. So thank you for that. A couple of questions that I want to run through. I want to ask the question around if you've ever talked about or in your research or listened to or any aspect of where there's a female lead relationship and then potentially bringing in a domestic discipline into that dynamic, is this actually detrimental to the marriage? If it's consensual on both sides, is it actually against God's will in any way, shape or form if there's both sides are in favor or it's working for them to some degree?

Speaker 7:
Another one, wanted to ask another question, circle the questions so I get through quick. Pain in sex as pleasure, such things as nipple pinching or actual spanking that's within boundaries, obviously. Is this normal, one spouse having pleasure out of the pain, but the other spouse doesn't want any pain? But then there's that conflict of the ones that are not wanting to conflict the pain but the other spouse wanting it. Anyway, just want to know if there's any advice on that and again, is there any issues with that that stems from a potential trauma or some hidden issue in the person that actually enjoys pain in sex?

Speaker 7:
And then the last one is vibrators being used often for her orgasms, difficulty having an orgasm without using the vibrator. Challenging to the point where it's just frustrating but the vibrator she's able to get the pleasure orgasm during the time together, but if the husband doesn't care and is not feeling threatened, does it matter that the vibrator is used often? Thank you so much for your show. Would love to hear any answers to those questions. All right, thanks. Bye. Bye.

Corey Allan:
So we're going to answer them all. And if you were the one that actually called in and you had missed my email and you're listening, check your inbox. I'll send you our answers if you're not already a member of the extended content and we're going to leave it at that.

Pam Allan:
Perfect.

Corey Allan:
Shows sometimes just fly by when we get lots of good questions that are coming in.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, it went by in a blink.

Corey Allan:
It did. If we left something undone, we want to know. Let us know, please. (214) 702-9565 or feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. And if you want more of this, and even at a deeper level, seriously come, personal invitation, June 18th through the 21st, come to the getaway. Fabulous four days, Pam and I would love to meet you in person. Come shake our hand. Have a drink with us. Hang out. It'll be a great time. So wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking some time out of your day to spend it with us. See you next time.

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