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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Sex Every Day #585

On the Regular version of today’s show …

What are the benefits of having sex every day? Are there negatives to this as well?

What if it wasn’t sexual intercourse every day … but was simply being sexual every day? Does that change anything in your mind?

On the Xtended version …

A message from a member who is wanting to get the passion back in his marriage after 20 years. 

Enjoy the show!

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or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, smrnation.com.

Corey Allan: Welcome to the show. I'm Dr. Corey Allan, alongside my wife, Pam, And we explore the wisdom and skills of the world's smartest relationship minds. We have in depth conversations with authors and counselors, psychologists and professors, doctors and specialists and some shows with just Pam and me. We explore topics every relationship faces and seek to offer a framework and practical advice that you can use to build a deeper understanding of how your relationship works. And then help frame your conversations to propel life and marriage forward. If you're new to the show, or you're looking for a simple way to tell your friends about SMR, we highly suggest our episode starter packs. These are collections of our favorite episodes organized by topic and help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show. Go to smrnation.com/starter or search for us in the Spotify app. Got some feedback for us about something we've missed or want us to address something specifically for you? Send us a message by calling the show at 214-702-9565, or email at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com.
Coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a conversation Pam and I had about sex every day. What does that even mean? How is that even possible? Does the thought of that just wear you out? Or what if it's not actually sexual intercourse every day? What if it's just being sexual? I'm in.
And on the extended content today which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy, we have a conversation from a voicemail from a listener on how do I get the relationship spark back? The touching, the kissing, the connection?
If you like the show, you can help us out by rating and reviewing the show on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or however you listen. Your comments help spread the word about the show and help others frame their conversations about what happens behind closed doors. Enjoy the show.
Over the years of doing this show, and then of me being in the field, writing at Simple Marriage when this whole blogging thing started, Pam.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And now doing Sexy Marriage Radio for 10 years, the partnerships I've had with different other people that are either writers, therapists, or podcasters, I keep coming across this idea of, you schedule sex or do the seven day sex challenge, or there's a 30 day sex challenge, and then there's also a 365 day sex challenge.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Wherein you have sex every day. And we've had listeners that have emailed in about that too. And "Hey, should we try this? What do you think?" And I think results may vary across the board.

Pam Allan: Absolutely.

Corey Allan: Of what people experience.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And what would be motivating. Because you could hear the full, even the title of this show today of sex every day, there could be people that are like, "Skip. Not listening to this." And then there also could be people on the other side of that equation, "Yes. Yes, please. Absolutely."

Pam Allan: Yeah. It's probably split down the middle.

Corey Allan: And so what's interesting to me in this conversation, Pam, is I came across some information that talked about that only about 4% of couples report that they have sex every day.

Pam Allan: I would've thought that would've been on a high end actually.

Corey Allan: Okay. Okay.

Pam Allan: Just if nothing else schedules and things like that, that sometimes get in the way. But, okay, keep rolling.

Corey Allan: No, I mean, that's worth noting. Because this was a sexual frequency study in 2017, but by contrast, many more actually practice self-pleasure every day. That's about 13%.

Pam Allan: I guess I'm not surprised at that.

Corey Allan: Okay. Which is fascinating to me.

Pam Allan: Is it both of them? Both spouses are doing that?

Corey Allan: No. Because obviously the survey did not get every couple.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: It got representative individuals of the couples, male and female.

Pam Allan: So it's individuals. Okay, okay.

Corey Allan: And it's just interesting that obviously masturbation, you don't need a partner so you can take care of that at any point any you want. And some of that starts in adolescence and it just carries forward into adult life for many people. But what's interesting when you think about it is, one of the things that will wreak havoc in marriages is this idea of where does my sexual energy go? How do I find pleasure? Is my partner involved in that? What's the role my partner plays when it comes to my pleasure? Where's their pleasure in coordination with that?
And sex has got all kinds of different things. That's why we've always talked about how sex is a language here. That it's more than just an act. It's also this element of who are we? Where's the energy going? What where's the time spent? Do the go the model, because how many scripts are there? I mean, I should have sat down and tried to map out how many different variations of scripts have we heard over the course of the 586 episodes now.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because there's she comes first, then him. We even did a show of what if he goes first, then her, then both.

Pam Allan: Yeah. It goes all kinds of arenas. And then it's even, well, what are you calling sex?

Corey Allan: Fair.

Pam Allan: Right? So if I'm doing a 365 day challenge, is that intercourse.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: I mean the 4% that said they?

Corey Allan: Well, the surveys were sexual intercourse.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: That was the conversation of sex as what the typical way people think about it is penal-vaginal intercourse. Where we're going to go with this idea, and just to put it ahead of everybody, we are advocates for sex every day, but be sexual every day.

Pam Allan: We are advocates for sex every day?

Corey Allan: I think so.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But it's under the aspect of what you just teed up of be sexual every day. Doesn't necessarily mean have intercourse every day, but practice some sexual components in energy and vibrancy between each other every day. Wouldn't that be good for marriage? That'd be good for everybody.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Well, yes. Yes. I'm still thinking of it on the caveat of relationship requires so many things. Sex is only a portion of your marriage relationship.

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: How many aspects of our relationship together do we actually make sure we do every day?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: There's a question there?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: And I want to make sure that one thing doesn't outweigh the other and then you end up having this whole lopsided relationship.

Corey Allan: Right. Well, so there's some variations that are going to come into this because when you put it in the framework of higher desire, lower desire, one person's going to carry the lion's share of the work, and it's going to be a whole lot easier. Whereas another could hear this and go, "No. That's too much pressure. That does not sound inviting at all. Why? No, I don't want to do that. I actually do everything I can to actively avoid that part of my life."
But so I think, to the people that are listening to the show, I would say as part of this conversation the main takeaway I'd hope they would get is, how do I have this part of my life being displayed in appropriate ways in my marriage? Because it's an aspect of who we are and it creates a different energy between us and it creates a connection that just regular logistical conversations does not afford us that.

Pam Allan: And I hear what you're saying, because I think you're coming at this even from a this is just how I live my life. It's a playful way of life. And by you saying be sexual every day, it might just be that it's one innuendo.

Corey Allan: Absolutely, that's what I'm saying.

Pam Allan: Or it might just be something to say, "I'm interested to you. I'm not trying to come onto you and say, 'I know you're whipped today because of what went on at work.' I'm not going to try and do something tonight because I know what's going to happen there, but I want you to know I love you and I find you smoking hot."

Corey Allan: Yeah. You're smoking hot even when you're whipped after a long day, honey. I just want you to know that.

Pam Allan: But by the way, I'd like to. Nevermind.

Corey Allan: Well, yeah, if you're up for some really moderate to mediocre level tired sex tonight, I'm in. But it's just that kind of concept of that's an aspect that I keep finding, and we even did a show back in the archives Foreplay for Foreplay.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah.

Corey Allan: And it's just this element of, we are advocates, in my mind, of how does this become part of the dynamic of my life and my marriage. Because let's go back to the survey as we started this though, with the intercourse aspect of sex every day, that sex is a problem if it's not mutually beneficial and satisfactory to both people, over the course of the relationship. There can be times where it's like, "Yeah, I'm doing this more for you." And it's a true, self-serving giving thing. But if that's the norm, that becomes a problem. But if it is something that both parties get pleasure out of it's mutually satisfying, fantastic. That's what helps us create a better scenario of having more sexual intercourse encounters. Agreed?

Pam Allan: Agreed.

Corey Allan: Okay. So it's a problem though, if and when, and this is kind of what maybe you're picking up on, this idea of the thoughts of sexual activity become overwhelming because the history has been an innuendo means it must shortly be followed up with actual occurrence.

Pam Allan: Right. If that pressure's there and I'm saying, "Yeah, we need to be sexual every day. And that's what my expectation is every day." Then that just may be overwhelming, yeah.

Corey Allan: Right. Because this is not necessarily tied to an outcome, what we're advocating for. We're just advocating for be expressive of this.

Pam Allan: Well, I think, maybe I'm being too complicated on this, but to me, yeah, it is tied to an outcome. It's just not necessarily that that outcome is orgasm every day. It's that that outcome ideally is a connection.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: It is creating just something more between us because we're being intentional about something. But I'm not dependent on a specific, well, I already said it, it's not dependent on orgasm or whatever that outcome might be, but I'm wanting something deeper within the relationship.

Corey Allan: Right. And this is the way, we're kind of bouncing back and forth but I think this will still land. This is, from what you're describing, of I'm wanting something deeper in the relationship. It's paramount that I lead that by expressing that too, because too often we get caught in this scenario of, I've been there, "Well, I don't want to say something because it might upset you or it might put something out there that I use the qualifiers on. Hey, I'm not saying I'm interested in sex right now, but you look smoking hot."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: That doesn't deliver the line well.

Pam Allan: No, it doesn't.

Corey Allan: That's tempering everything. And it's like, hold on. And that's largely because I would've been uncertain about sharing that. And so it's recognizing that the willingness to share and be seen in this aspect is a big component of this. And then how you follow that through with, you make a great innuendo, you make a great line. You walk over and practice a ten second kiss and there's some good energy that's there. But in your mind as the one that just initiated that, you have to recognize my job isn't to now hover around until that check is cashed. Instead, it's go on about my day. And over time, I think that helps bring the floor up of how much easier it is to actually enter into the sexual intercourse encounters or the actual physical sexual encounters, whether there's orgasm involved or not. As Steven Snyder would say, orgasm is like icing on the cake. It's the top. It's the topping. You can still have great encounters even if there's no orgasm.
So if it becomes overwhelming, that's when it can become a problem. If it negatively impacts other parts of your life, that's when this becomes a problem because sometimes obviously if you were with somebody that's got a wealth of triggers and traumas around this subject, and you just boldly bring it up, unbeknownst to them, that is not a good step.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Then instead it's figuring out how do we lean towards this? Because I'm also, we've done this before on shows of when we're talking about trauma, keeping everything at bay and a buffer when it comes to trauma is not an effective way to deal with trauma. Sometimes I got to go towards them to find healing. And then if there's obsessive tendencies or erratic sexual behaviors, that's going to be a problem when it comes to trying to have sex every single day or be sexual every day. And then if you make your partner feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable, because, again, timing matters. If we're with family and I make some blatant gesture and it goes against everything that's ever been spoken out loud because of the family of origin patterns, that's poor timing, right?

Pam Allan: Yes.

Corey Allan: That's shock value that's going to hit wrong, possibly.

Pam Allan: Well, good point. The word shock value totally, I think that hits the nail on the head right there. If I'm trying to do something to get attention from anyone other than my spouse with what I'm saying or doing.

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: That's not going to land well with your spouse. That is not going to create the environment that you want to have.

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Okay. And so then here's what they also found from this study with intercourse every day. There's benefits to it. And I'm going to say there's, on several of these, being sexual every day is going to fall along the same lines.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And each of these things that are beneficial are beneficial until they're not okay. Okay?

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: Because that's a qualifier that's worth noting. Because the first one is better sleep. When you're sexual, you typically have better sleep.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But it's not going to be if your timing is off and you're trying to squeeze it in at the very end and it extends even further into the time that you would normally have been asleep. And now all of a sudden you're getting up later or sooner because you went to bed late.

Pam Allan: Yeah, nothing is a catchall that says-

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: -this is always going to make you sleep better. Right?

Corey Allan: No, not at all.

Pam Allan: The word's never and always, if that's in there anywhere, you're-

Corey Allan: Right. But better sleep is corollary to also the second one, which is reduces stress. Because there's some anxiety relief and some stress release that comes from orgasms, and comes from this aspect, because this is one of the things I believe in, is that our sexual energies, when I can tap into them, will cut through a lot of the other things. Right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Whether it's actually in intercourse or just in our expressiveness of it. Overall, it can lower blood pressure. So I've yet to see a commercial on that. I mean they do the cholesterol for Honey Nut Cheerios.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Why don't they do a commercial about lower blood pressure by having a whole lot of sex. You reduce the risk of prostate cancer. So, fellas, worth noting.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Because you're using the muscles well.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: It reduces the risk. Relief from menstrual cramps. Ladies, it is something that can be an ally if you have particularly strong menstrual cramps or PMS. There's elements that, medically speaking, that this helps.

Pam Allan: Interesting. Because if I'm struggling with that, getting in the mood is kind of-

Corey Allan: They seem counterproductive-

Pam Allan: It's like this juxtaposition of-

Corey Allan: -in a way, right?

Pam Allan: Yeah. But okay, I'll go with it.

Corey Allan: Okay. Begrudgingly. You're kind of like, "I'm not sure I'm buying that one." Okay.

Pam Allan: And maybe it does. I'm just saying that how did they research that one?

Corey Allan: Well, that's actually, because I've come across this before, that's actually from orgasm helps relieve the menstrual cramp better.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Across the board. There's a tendency that that's a positive effect.

Pam Allan: Gotcha. So that may not just be being sexual.

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: Yes. That's going to be a product of the orgasm.

Corey Allan: Okay. And then another one was increased sex drive because obviously where we focus our energy, it tends to grow. And so if I'm dedicating more time towards it. And this is it's what made me pivot this conversation from this is not about sexual intercourse every day. This is about being sexual every day. Because when I make it as a emphasis, as part of my life on a daily basis, it's more likely going to increase the desire and the drive between us, because it's an energy we're focusing and devoting towards it.
It burns calories.

Pam Allan: Check.

Corey Allan: Sex is a great calorie burner.

Pam Allan: That's pretty straightforward.

Corey Allan: You can live longer. I'm all for that.

Pam Allan: I'm assuming someone's done some studies on-

Corey Allan: Yes.

Pam Allan: Longevity and how many times couples have sex or something?

Corey Allan: I think some of this probably also, the hypothesis of, if it increases these different things in your body function, then it'll correlate to-

Pam Allan: Lowers blood pressure, blah blah, blah.

Corey Allan: And overall it can reduce depression, which again, this is one of those that could seem counter to each other, because if you're depressed it's really hard sometimes to think of yourself as sexual and want to get involved in that. And then something we all need, better memory and concentration. It just kind of clears the air.

Pam Allan: Wow. I'm just thinking maybe we just haven't had enough sex lately because I have been losing my memory.

Corey Allan: Well, that's all for Sexy Marriage Radio today.

Pam Allan: Tune in next week.

Corey Allan: We'll tell you if that actually is true. But, no, it's fascinating to me because this is just one of those things that I think all too often, this is such a hot button issue for couples. When it comes to how are we sexual? How are we expressive? Because a lot of couples are going to be similar to the journey that we have had in that it wasn't necessarily weaponized. It was objectified. There was a correlation of, I mean I've even said this and written about it before, that my affection levels and touch levels would go up when I was interested in sex. And it was non-existent when I wasn't.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Which quickly gets the map set for you of any move that has any kind of romantic touch is immediately attached to this. Where I had to recognize, wait, I don't want to just be that easy to read. I am that easy to read, I think still to this day, but I want to make sure that there's not as much tied to an attachment.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: On the outcome. That it's like, I just want to be expressive. I want to be engaging. I want to be sharing. I want to let it be seen who I'm in and who I am and who I'm into.

Pam Allan: Right. And I guess I'd be the same way. I think that there is oftentimes where it's like, I think I'm being sexual and obviously it is so covert that doesn't come across.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: So figuring out ways to read your spouse.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: I think some of this is I think this is sexual. My spouse doesn't. They just don't see it. They don't pick up on it. So becoming a student of the spouse to understand.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: What really hits home for them. It's not about what hits home for me. If I'm trying to participate in this and I'm trying to be a good teammate in this part of our relationship together, I need to be a student and understand what it is that rings home.

Corey Allan: I would say it's a both/and though, babe. I would think it's that you need to be a good student of your spouse to make sure the moves or the statements or the gestures you're making hit home. But there's also an element I need to do the things that make me feel vibrant and sexual and alive, whether or not they see it or not all.

Pam Allan: Agreed. I'm not saying it's one sided and I've only got to do the other,

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Because that's a big move too. And I think that's probably where a lot of the low desire females, I guess I'll speak for, are that way, "Is where is my sexuality? What does turn me on?" And figuring that out is probably the biggest hurdle to overcome. And then giving myself permission to even go down that road and think about what is it that does turn me on? What is it that gets me there and gets me excited? And finding that out is huge. It'll be a big gift to yourself, if nothing else, to figure that out.

Corey Allan: Yeah. That's the stuff we've been advocates of. What makes you feel confident as a sexual being? And even just as a human being? We put emphasis on how do we look before we walk out the door that's appropriate to whatever it is we're heading towards. You got an event you're heading to. You put a little forethought into how am I going to look? I mean, school just started here and our daughter already had stuff set out for day one. She was working out her outfit. And then we ask our son, he's like, "I don't know. A hoodie."

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: "I mean, I know I'll be wearing a hoodie."

Pam Allan: Check.

Corey Allan: Because that's him. But it's an aspect of who we are so why don't we give our sexuality and our sexual desires and who we are in that arena a little bit of emphasis? For ourselves. Not to flaunt everybody else. It's for me. What makes me feel vibrant and alive and engaged and sexy or confident? And that's all great steps because that's the idea of, I use the picture, the visual picture, babe, of a iceberg. That's the work under the surface of the water. No one else sees it.

Pam Allan: Where most everything is.

Corey Allan: Absolutely. But eventually that stuff bubbles up and then it is a gesture or a statement that is delivered and lands. And it is obvious. Because some of it can even just be, and let me see if I'm off on this one before we wrap up. This isn't always just something we got to find innately in ourselves. Because some of it can be, if you're listening to this as a couple, and one of you is kind of the higher desire on this, which we believe one of you will be the higher desire on absolutely on taking this challenge of being sexual in some way every day, of just that aspect of me being shared. Well then the other can learn, :"How do I respond to that?" And that's you being sexual.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Good point.

Corey Allan: It's you giggle at it. You're like, "Oh, yeah, that's good. Check. We got today done." That's not a turning away from it, which might have been what was a normal thing. And it's not necessarily a turning towards it and running to it, but it is a accepting it, acknowledging it. That's a big step.

Pam Allan: And it's as simple as that.

Corey Allan: Because I think we all can recognize where various parts on this, and we'll gain some ground and we may even lose a little bit of ground, because we just forget about it or life throws a curve ball and we've missed several days. Okay. Because this is where the things, back to how we started, the things I've come across before where it's the seven day sex challenge are the 30 day sex challenge. My question to couples that really want to do that, because I've gotten emails or even clients that have asked that question. I'm like, "Absolutely if you want to test it out. But take note of when does it become work."

Pam Allan: For sure.

Corey Allan: Because once it becomes work it's not what sex can really be. Right?

Pam Allan: I agree.

Corey Allan: It becomes something that's, "Oh. Now I just got to check it off the list." And that can actually start to hurt you a little bit, unless you go into it with kind of a laboratory mindset of what can I learn in this to realize this can still be something, it starts as work, but it turns into something because it was a decision that I made. And then it turns into something that desire takes over. That's a fantastic playground to figure out who are we in this? But that's where all of these different things that are pluses can also be negatives or minuses depending on how we go about it.
But I do believe, and I think hearing you talk too, I think we can say the stance of try out being sexual every day, of just expressing it, engaging in it some way, of just the energy that provides. See what that changes after four or five days. And then let us know.
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