On the Regular version of today’s show …
An email from a husband whose wife believes if they can’t orgasm together at the same time then there must be something wrong.
A husband seeks our thoughts on how he can reestablish connection with his wife sexually and emotionally when she doesn’t really like him currently.
On the Xtended version …
Pam and I talk through the concepts of desire and how it’s part of our process of growth in life and marriage.
Enjoy the show!
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Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio alongside my wife, Pam, as always.
Pam Allan: Love being here.
Corey Allan: Taking some time out each and every week to dive into what's going on in the world of the Sexy Marriage Radio nation. And a lot of that is done by them steering us where we go with questions, topics, suggestions, comments. The way you can share those with us is (214) 702-9565 or firstname.lastname@example.org. And we want to hear from you in the SMR nation. We want to know what's going on with you.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Give us the good, the bad, the ugly. Love to address it, rejoice in it, celebrate in it.
Corey Allan: Because all of it happens in married life, so.
Pam Allan: Yeah. It does. You're not alone out there.
Corey Allan: If you're currently experiencing a season of major struggle and stress, know that there's good on the way most likely. And if you're currently experience a struggle of good and great, know that there's seasons of struggle and stress coming. It's just, that's the way life seems to unfold. As we get started, though, today, Pam, there was some conversations you and I've been having over the last couple of weeks because we are, as we sit here and record this week's episode, we are just a couple of weeks away from when the Sexy Marriage Radio Getaway should have been happening. With the pandemic and everything going on in our world it's been postponed until next year in June of 2021. But one of the things we want to at least kind of explore, and hopefully plan for, is a virtual conference, a virtual little thing.
Pam Allan: Yeah. We'd love to do something like that to kind of stay connected, help the nation.
Corey Allan: Right. So we've already got some things in the works that we're trying to put together sometime October, November is what we're looking at. More details will be coming, but it's trying to get into the idea of how you could find some time to steal away with your spouse without having to travel. You could do it from your own home.
AI Voice: Right. Exactly. So it'd still be a childcare thing potentially, right? To really get something full out of it if you've got kids at home.
Corey Allan: But we're just talking about a two day event, we'll incorporate a little bit of the weekend, but that's to come. And we wanted at least to start dropping some breadcrumbs about it as we start formulating some plans and getting some things together. So if you've got any fabulous ideas, email@example.com on how we pull this thing off, but we've already got a lot of things in motion, in some regards, on the thought process, the brainstorm, the dream. And-
Pam Allan: Yeah. We got good ideas there for it.
Corey Allan: ...stay tuned because more is to come. Today's episode of Sexy Marriage Radio is brought to you by Beachbody on Demand. Get hundreds of effective workouts all from the comfort of your own home. Right now, SMR listeners get a special free trial when you text S-M-R to 303030. Try it out today. Coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a couple of your questions and our spectacular answers.
Pam Allan: Hopefully. Hopefully they're spectacular. For sure they will be. If you're involved, they will be.
Corey Allan: Well, thank you for that. But we're going to have a couple different topics that overlap a little bit that we're covering, but there's some great research that can help steer some of the conversation. And then coming up on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there's no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy. We're going to dive into more of the concept of desire because we talked about this just briefly in one of the prior weeks where there's a couple of different things that make up what most people think of in the world of desire. And we want to get further into what does it really mean and how does it impact us, especially when we're in close confines and in a world that there's a lot of uncertainty and a lot of unknown that can squash desires because fears will overrun that. So all that is coming up on today's show.
So this is a topic and a question that we've not answered yet ever.
Pam Allan: Ever, in all the episodes?
Corey Allan: On Sexy Marriage Radio we've not gone into the detail on this topic.
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: And this is from a listener in Birmingham, Alabama. And he goes on to say, "My wife and I had been married for 23 years. But for all of those years, we've struggled with simultaneous orgasms. It's been a thorn in the flesh of our marriage. She questions why God would put us together with each other if we're not clicking on all cylinders. My ideal outcome would be to learn what I can do to either change our physical experience with each other, or to put to bed a crazy comparison that our sex life cannot live up to. Hope that this makes sense and you can help. Thanks."
Pam Allan: Well, I find that question very perplexing. To the ultimate extreme of why would God put us together if we can't experience this piece together? I don't know, that part's just sticking out to me, but-
Corey Allan: Like it's a fate or a destiny that couples that are clicking will simultaneously orgasm when they have sex?
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Okay.
Pam Allan: Right. Is that... maybe I'm going too far to the extreme and that's not really the point of this.
Corey Allan: No. I think that's part of the romanticized view we have growing up about what marriage and sex will be.
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: Because the way it's portrayed, I mean, you can go all the way to the extreme of how is it portrayed in the movies and in Hollywood? It's that you meet, fall in love, and fall into bed, and it's everything seamless the whole way through. And then you can wake up in the morning and have sex again. And you don't see anybody's facial expressions change because of morning breath. And it's like, come on really?
Pam Allan: Right. Or, well, yeah. I mean, it is often in the fantasized-
Corey Allan: And things just work like they're supposed to all the time.
Pam Allan: Okay. So let's go back to get out of the Hollywood representation of it.
Corey Allan: I want to do this from two sides. Because his question was I either want to put it to bed or learn what I can do. So let's do both.
Pam Allan: Exactly. I would say, let's learn what we can do first, right?
Corey Allan: Okay. I want to put it to bed first, though. I want to get the research and the data because there's not a lot out there that I can find that's true research on couples that experience simultaneous orgasms as a regular occurrence. There is one that came out, it was just within the last three or four years, and it's a 4,400 person survey from the sex toy company, Lovehoney, and they found that 89% of couples have orgasm at the same time.
Pam Allan: I'm really surprised at that high number.
Corey Allan: So am I.
Pam Allan: Now, I'm curious, did they give you any clarification there? Are they saying that they always-?
Corey Allan: No. That's just that they have experienced it.
Pam Allan: They have at some point.
Corey Allan: At some point, they have, at least they can say at one point in their married or in their life, they have experienced that.
Pam Allan: Okay. Well, I can get that.
Corey Allan: 37% experience it half the time or more.
Pam Allan: Okay. I guess I'm actually surprised that that many have it half or more, but maybe I should be.
Corey Allan: I am too. And so is a recent guest a couple of times on Sexy Marriage Radio, Vanessa Marin, who's a sex therapist out in LA. She was sought after from Glamour magazine, and they used her as part of an article. And she says, "I'm surprised at how high that is," too. And the speculation I have, which I'll... And she and I are on the same page, is that you have to look at the sample because if it's a sex toy company, reaching out to their customers and social media is how they found their respondents. So it already has a bent towards people that maybe used sex toys, have a little bit different experience, and it's also not marriage. It's just across the board on the couples that they reach out to. So it's not necessarily just committed relationships.
Pam Allan: Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm making a totally uneducated guess here. I would think that married couples would be more likely to do it simultaneously because more history, more regularity, and understanding each other's bodies better, potentially. I'm wondering if I'm a regular sex toy user and I'm maybe more in tune with my body to be able to time it, hold off, and extend it. Whatever the case might be.
Corey Allan: Oh, I see. Now you're getting into how, because that's where we're going to go is part of the ways in how is whoever it is usually that is the easiest... How do I say it? Whoever can climax the easiest between the couple, lots of times needs to learn a little more control to be able to slow down because it's so much easier to slow down an orgasm than it is to speed one up, if you talk about just genetics of people and how it unfolds. But before we move on to the how completely, let's talk about the why. Why do you want to? What is it that... and this is where we get into the meaning. Yes, a simultaneous orgasm can create a euphoric experience, but so does an individual orgasm.
Pam Allan: When you're right there connected with one another.
Corey Allan: And knowing I helped create that. I helped experience that. I was a part of this, or you helped create that, and you helped to experience that. And so it's just really trying to challenge the meaning of what is it that makes the simultaneous orgasm label the coup de grâce of marriage, the ultimate experience. And at least ask yourself the question of why does that hit so high on the scale for me? Because then you can start to get deeper into what are the rationale and what is it that now I'm looking at as a detriment, when in reality, maybe what I've got is actually really pretty good.
Pam Allan: And that's a little bit of the complication here. It's the husband emailing in that is really analyzing those two. The wife is the one that seems to be more focused on the need for this simultaneous orgasm, who knows if she's a listener or not? And if not, how can he communicate with her to really pull out what her meaning is behind it?
Corey Allan: Right. Because she's obviously got a label of, if things aren't clicking, then we've got problems. And if that's the case, then your marriage is always going to have problems because you don't click on everything all the time anyway. If that. You don't click on a lot of things actually. And if you look at it as a marriage global context, then we see things differently. We don't see things eye-to-eye, and those things shift and evolve throughout the seasons. So one of the things is while trying to achieve a simultaneous orgasm can be a fun thing to try to experiment and have happen, right? But don't feel like you're missing out on something if you can't achieve it. That's the idea that we want to try to get across with the why.
So then the how. A lot of times, and there's a lot of different research out there, that the most reliable way for a woman to achieve orgasm typically is clitoral stimulation, which means having simultaneous orgasm through penal-vaginal intercourse only is incredibly hard to do. Because it's not involving the clitoris. So the how, if you want to try to achieve simultaneous orgasm, is one, you're talking about mutual, manual stimulation that could be going on. Manual, oral, whichever way you want to go. And that then becomes where the person that usually has the easiest time achieving orgasm has to learn how to control and delay to allow their partner to catch up. And this is a communication exercise.
Pam Allan: Yeah. You can't be silent and not sharing with your spouse where you are during this if you're wanting it to be simultaneous.
Corey Allan: Right. You got to speak up and you got to share your experience.
Pam Allan: Right. Yeah. You might have to say, "Hey, stop touching me there because-"
Corey Allan: Or slow down or give me a break or let's focus on this or that, so.
Pam Allan: It feels great, but you're going to have to back off a little.
Corey Allan: And then the other way is through, it's called the coil.
Pam Allan: Easy for you to say.
Corey Allan: It is easy for me to say that. It's coitus coital alignment technique. Okay? And that's where it's during intercourse, it's man on top, typical position of the missionary position, but instead he needs to tilt his pelvis up a little bit more to create a friction point at the base of his penis and his body where the clitoris would then be contacting him. And rather than the normal thrusting in and out motion, it's more of a grind. Which then keeps the clitoris connected the entire time and can create a rhythm. And this is where both can be in charge of which way the rhythm goes. And this, again, is a communication exercise.
Pam Allan: Yeah. And she might want to even add a little extra lube there to help so that the pubic hairs aren't kind of getting crosstalk or something like that.
Corey Allan: Right. So change it to your circumstance that fits, but that's the best position that can help maybe make that happen. Because it's not the normal thrust in and out. It's more of a grind rotate.
Pam Allan: That's if you're going for clitoral, right? I mean, if you're going not for-
Corey Allan: If you can achieve orgasm vaginally, then that opens up some other options on a lot of different positions that hit the G-spot with the tip of the penis. So there's a lot of other things you can do, but I'm going with the majority of women that the clitoris has to be involved. And that's what helps make that happen.
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Pam Allan: I love your results as well, baby. So much I'm going to do it with you this time through.
Corey Allan: That's right. I love this workout so much, I'm doing it all again. Only this time with my bride.
Pam Allan: It'll be a great way for us to get in shape, be healthier and connect together.
Corey Allan: Beachbody on Demand is the company behind P90X, Insanity and the 21-Day Fix, and now some of Beachbody's newest programs like Morning Meltdown, 180-day obsession, you can start every day strong. I think my favorite aspect of the platform is they constantly roll out new workouts. But the coolest thing to me is the realtime workout trend. No more canned workouts where you find yourself watching the same video multiple times. Now the trainer and the group go through it with you. There's hundreds of effective workouts for all fitness levels, ranging from bodybuilding to weight training to cardio hit to yoga and even dance workouts.
Pam Allan: Workouts can be as short as 10 minutes and some don't require extra equipment. So in the time it takes you to drive and park at the gym, you could be finished working out.
Corey Allan: You can access anywhere, anytime via computer, web enabled TV, tablet, smartphone, Roku, Apple TV, there's so many ways. And this is one of the best deals in fitness. Listeners of Sexy Marriage Radio can try it absolutely free. Right now, as a listener, you get a special free trial membership when you text S-M-R to 303030. We just started LIIFT4 again, and I want to challenge our SMR listeners to start the program with us. Join the platform, then email us the workout you want to do, and let's all get in shape together. As a special offer, right now, our listeners get a special free trial membership when you text S-M-R to 303030. You get all the full access to the entire platform for free. All the workouts, the nutrition information, and support. Again, just text SMR to 303030. We can't wait to see your results as well. So Pam, I'm entitling this short segment of the show. I'm just going to call it: This is related to that. Okay?
Pam Allan: Okay.
Corey Allan: And this is based off an email we got a little while ago that just says, "We've been married over six years, and our sex life seems to get worse each year despite many attempts to improve. I have a high sex drive," this from a husband, "but recently it's become difficult to get aroused, and I ended up feeling guilty when I do. Sex tends to have one or both of us end up upset, affecting our self esteem and relationship. Now with feelings of not being desired and heard, I've started having sex dreams, and I even can't get sex with her out of my mind. The desire for connection with my wife has reached the point of waking me up, and I'm not able to fall back to sleep. This may seem a bit silly, but I'm starting to get worried because it's even now without getting an erection most of the time. I've been reading many books and working hard to better myself to improve the faults. Faults like my short fuse, that I tend to have mostly have with her. She was..."
Okay. So their background is, he was not a Christian. She was. Saved herself for marriage, and he did not. So he feels guilty for that as well. "Sex together has always been great, and I love making the focus on her pleasure as much as possible, but it feels like she just isn't into it now. She was on birth control at first. With no kids, there were few distractions. We did it a good amount, and thankfully after the kids, the feeling during sex has gotten even better for her. But now, with no birth control, and the fear of getting pregnant, has almost paralyzed her in times that I don't mess with the mood.
Birth control is not an option anymore, and condoms don't work for me except the expensive lamb ones. And those gross her out. I always pull out, but with this, we can't finish together. So that's not helping with our bond and creates a fear that I will not have the control needed to get out in time. And so to add all of this, she says she doesn't like to hear me talk. And it's sad to say, but I understand. To list just a few, I don't always sound the most sensitive. I'm kind of blunt. I like to be long winded, I'm an external processor, I have a volume control." And he goes on and lists several things that it can almost be embarrassing.
"To add to this dysfunction, I work from home. So our roles have been swapped from the traditional ones. I take care of the home and kids, and in turn, this has made her the primary income provider. So my question boils down to this. What should I do? I know it takes a long time, there's not a quick fix, but what can help me get past the guilt and hurt? How do I lower my sex drive so I don't feel making her feel bad that I need her. And what are some of the ways to help in overcoming fears and hurts, especially from me to get our connection back?" So there's a lot in here.
Pam Allan: There definitely is.
Corey Allan: But I want to start... And this is really just kind of a dialogue. And I'm hoping that he will reply from this show. I'll email you also saying, "Hey, we're covering this," and email back with anything that we need to continue with. But there are a couple of things that jump out to me right off the bat, one is some guilt over some things that you did that you didn't even know were wrong at the time. Right? If you weren't a believer that thought I'm going to save myself for sex later, and now all of a sudden I'm married, and I'm feeling like maybe I should have, but I'm guilty over stuff that I was in ignorance over in my own belief and moral structure, challenge that guilt right off the bat. Because if you are truly a believer in my mind, and in your mind, I know I could speak for you, then if you had a chance to sit down and have a cup of coffee with God and talk about your past, he's going to love you. He's not going to shame you.
Pam Allan: Yeah. That's what grace is for. So you just got to be able to forgive yourself at that point.
Corey Allan: Right. Then the other things that are more practical is the idea of birth control is no longer an option on either side except for the expensive ones, and she doesn't like them. What about a vasectomy?
Pam Allan: Exactly.
Corey Allan: There's a birth control that you could take care of one time only, and it's done. And I don't know, maybe you do want more children, and that's a different factor, but I'm curious, what is it that makes it towards no longer an option for her? Pill, diaphragm, IUD. There's a lot of different options. And so I'm curious just to know. But also for him, because the pullout, withdraw method, yeah, that makes it to where you can't relax, either one of you.
Pam Allan: And, I mean, you're still not taking away the possibility of getting pregnant with that. It's less likely, but...
Corey Allan: Right. Because as one of the high schoolers, when I was in youth ministry, used to say, "There's always a little sprinkle before the shower."
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: And that's a true statement. But then the other side of it, and this is where the this becomes is related to that, is when you have tension in one area of your marriage, it exacerbates the others.
Pam Allan: Yeah. This bleeds over. This is the phrase of how you do sex is how you do life and how you do life is how you do sex. This is not a standalone topic.
Corey Allan: No. And so the desire... It sounds to me like what he's wrestling with is he recognizes these shortcomings, and I don't even like that framework, the differences between he and her. He's louder. He's an external process. That's upbringing in a lot of ways. Right?
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: I'm a storyteller in the sense of, I had too much details, you a get to the point lady. So it's okay. That's a difference between us. Neither one of us is right or wrong. All those stories are really good and enhance life, but anyway.
Pam Allan: And sometimes they drive me nuts, and I'm like, "Okay, come on." But it's still, that's a gridlock thing.
Corey Allan: It's just differences. It's not right or wrong.
Pam Allan: Yeah.
Corey Allan: So it sounds to me like he sees these things as detriments and one of the ways he wants validation to feel better, sex. So he steered a lot of these difficulties or issues into sexual. And if I get propped up and get a little more validation here, I'll feel better. And it's a common occurrence in our lives.
Pam Allan: And is it validation if you're looking for a connection? Are those two the same thing?
Corey Allan: Well, no. Yes and no. This is related to that. Connecting how. Right? Because if you look at it at face value, if I'm really wanting connection, then that means I just need to expose myself as far as who I am, and let that be connected with. That's my option. And so it's being able to see the dynamic that goes on on sounds like he's trying to play both sides of the equation rather than just play yours.
Pam Allan: And play it well.
Corey Allan: And when it comes to your sex life and the high drive you have, I don't think you should be ashamed of it. I think you need to be careful and, well, conscious in how you're steering it. Because, yes, are there seasons where you wake up in the middle of the night and you just are burning and even without an erection? Absolutely that can happen. Because just because you have an erection does not mean there's desire or not. There's sometimes mix-match in there in that erection. Look at puberty. Erections happen when it's not sexual desire, it's just the wind blew. So it's recognizing that's the complexities of who we are. And how do you build off of that is who you are to pick one of those areas. Handle one of the short fuse, handle the external processing, try that a little different and grow into I liked me in that area and see what that does. And then email us back and let us know where we left off. And we'll keep going. It's amazing to me, Pam, that eight and a half years into this, there's still some topics we've not covered.
Pam Allan: I'm pretty sure there's a lot more we still haven't covered. So we'll keep on rolling. Email us your questions.
Corey Allan: We need the SMR Nation to give us what are the topics we've not covered? Absolutely. (214) 702-9565. That's how you can call us and let us know. Or firstname.lastname@example.org. That email's always active.
AI Voice: Yeah. Let us know what's vexing you.
Corey Allan: Oh, I'm very vexed. Thank you for the gladiator reference there. This is Sexy Marriage Radio. If we left something undone, especially on the second email, let us know, and we'll go deeper and continue the conversation with you because we want the SMR Nation to thrive in their relationships, not just survive them. Well, that's it for Sexy Marriage Radio. Thanks for taking some time out of your day each and every week to spend it with us. See you next time.
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