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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Snoring #512

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On the Regular version of today’s show …

A peek behind the curtain into how Pam and I address the issue of snoring, and the messages built into our moves.

An email from a husband who is the higher desire for sex but the lower desire for romance. Is that odd?

On the Xtended version …

A recording of a talk Corey gave at church about how do I see myself and how does God see me?

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, smrnation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: We don't usually start off episodes with something like this, but I came across one of those morning radio shows when I was driving, taking kids to school this past week and they were talking about here's what's going on in the world in the news today. And they shared a story of a husband who bought a gift for his wife and she had made a comment earlier that she was really wanting to try to get in shape, lose some weight. That was one of her resolutions or her goals in the near future, so he bought her a birthday gift.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: It was a dress that was really pretty that he knew she would like and that he would love to see her in, but he bought said, dress two sizes too small.

Pam Allan: On purpose?

Corey Allan: On purpose, because with it he wrote a little note that says, "I really can't wait until I can see you in this."

Pam Allan: Okay, we'll see how this crosstalk.

Corey Allan: As a motivation, right?

Pam Allan: Okay, okay.

Corey Allan: So apparently he was sharing this on Tik ToK and on his social media platforms too. And so, she then proceeded a couple of days later, he came home from work to a gift and it was a box of condoms, several sizes larger with a note saying, "Really can't wait to see if you fit in these."

Pam Allan: Touche.

Corey Allan: Yeah, you got to be careful what we give each other because everything has meaning.

Pam Allan: It does have meaning.

Corey Allan: And everything can either be ... I mean, I do this with clients when we start to realize the sophistication of what's going on among us, the couple, because they have their own language. And several times some comment that someone else might hear as an innocent just statement or there's nothing added to it, you start to recognize that was a shot across the bow, or that was a direct hit ...

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: ... right?

Pam Allan: Yeah. And I'm thinking, nailed it on that one.

Corey Allan: Very much so. Well this is Sexy Marriage Radio, where we want to have conversations about what's going on in your life. And we want to help frame conversations to help your life be better so that your conversation is much cleaner and it doesn't have to be shots at each other to that level, unless it's fun and just making light of some things, but that's up to each person to decipher as they see fit. So what we want is from the SMR nation to let us know where you want us to go, and you can do that by calling (214) 702-9565 and leave us a voicemail that gets you to the front of the line or email us feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, or if you have not yet joined the network and the nation at my.smrnation.com, there's been some fantastic conversations taking place ...

Pam Allan: Yeah, there have.

Corey Allan: ... not only just in the Academy, but also just in the general area where just this past week there were from the show we did, there were two great threads that started. One was a question from Jessica, who's heading up the connections with this whole platform and making sure that there's conversations and connections happening. And she wrote the question of from episode 511 are matching bras and panties more often for you or your spouse? So she voted out to the ladies, which has got some really good dialogue going. And then someone else jumped in listening to the show where we talked about both the husband and wife in episode 511, struggled with masturbation.
And what's your thoughts on that? Is that an okay thing or not? And so, she just basically threw it out there to the nation to say, "I would love to hear people's thoughts." And lo and behold people jumped in and were sharing conversations about stuff, so it's all coming to land in the sense of what we've really wanted with this is a place for as we do episodes, when it spurs something, you got a place to go and share and catch up with more or add a different thought or take it a different way.

Pam Allan: Well, it's healthy conversations.

Corey Allan: Absolutely, it is.

Pam Allan: It's a safe place to go to ...

Corey Allan: Right, because all the conversations are curated. So if something gets posted out there that we don't feel is in the spirit of marriage and the sacredness of sex and love, we can help steer it in different ways so that we make sure it still maintains a safe place.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Well coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a coffee shop conversation. I'm going to take you to have some coffee here in just a little bit, babe.

Pam Allan: I'm looking forward to it.

Corey Allan: And we're going to have a conversation about some of the different things that happen in marriage and how a lot of times each person can have a different way they approach it with the same subject. And then this one, we're going to talk about snoring.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And what do you do when your spouse is the snorer? How do you respond? What are your options and what does that mean?

Pam Allan: All right.

Corey Allan: We're going to unpack that a little bit and see where that might go. Plus, we've got an email with one of your questions on the higher desire, lower desire, which we're taking it a slightly different way, which is a lot of fun to do. And then on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio today, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy. I got an opportunity to speak at church the other day and we recorded it. And it was just on the idea of a biblical view of how marriage and what might be going on as far as God's design on helping us grow up. And how do I see me? How do other people see me? How does God see me?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: And so, all that's coming up on today's show. So this conversation is going to be a little bit behind the curtain.

Pam Allan: A little bit.

Corey Allan: Off the air between Pam and Corey. So as our marriage has unfolded, as I'm sure many people have had the same journey.

Pam Allan: Yeah, I don't think this is unique.

Corey Allan: No, I hope not. If we're weird, let us know, (214) 702-9565, we can take it. One of the things that has happened as life has evolved and as we have aged, and for sure seasonally this happens, snoring has entered the picture for both of us.

Pam Allan: For both of us, yes.

Corey Allan: Right. This is not a one sided thing.

Pam Allan: No.

Corey Allan: And it seems like we can trade. There's probably times where we both could go, but it seems like, oh, now it's your turn.

Pam Allan: Wouldn't that be fabulous if you just both did it and you're both so tired, you're just doing it and who cares? And no one wakes up.

Corey Allan: It becomes this rhythm and it just keeps you both asleep. Maybe there's an app for that.

Pam Allan: Wouldn't that be something, wouldn't that be something.

Corey Allan: But what's fascinating to me is how spouses react to their spouses snoring.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Because granted, there's a continuum, right? Some is really severe. It's in the world of sleep apnea. It's in the world of it's really hard to sleep through regardless.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Some it's situational it's just a short lived acute thing. And then they roll over by natural instance or there's different things, so it's not just the non-stop ongoing things. We're not really talking about the non-stop ongoing side of it where going to a sleep study, dealing with the health components, that could be a part of that definitely would be worth exploring.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: We're doing more just the, what do you call it? Common aging snoring. CAS.

Pam Allan: Allergy, inflammation, whatever.

Corey Allan: Okay. Because what's interesting to me just unpacking this is when I am awake and I hear you snoring, I go about it a lot of different ways trying to get your attention.

Pam Allan: And what do you do?

Corey Allan: Well, it's fascinating to me and this is my own just I have no idea why let's just unpack it and then see if we can come to an understanding.

Pam Allan: Spill it out.

Corey Allan: I begin with the shake the bed ...

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... right? Just see if there's a little bit of a disruption that can happen that might get you to just change position slightly. Because we don't have one of those beds that they advertise where you can push a button and it raises them up.

Pam Allan: That may be on the purchase list in the future.

Corey Allan: We might need to explore, or if you're wondering, what could we get the host of Sexy Marriage Radio? There you go.

Pam Allan: Right. Get them to advertise and maybe they'll send us one to try out.

Corey Allan: There you go, we could try it out. So I'll do the shaking of the bed just to see if there's some sort of a disruption. I've also figured out if I mess with the sheets and the quilt that might get your attention enough. The whole point is I figured out over the years, there is a level where I can get it to where you're still asleep, but you stopped the snoring at times ...

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... right?

Pam Allan: So do you have this goal of, I don't want to wake her up.

Corey Allan: I think that's probably it. And I think some of it comes back to way in the past of who you're not now at all, but there were times where if I woke you up for something in the middle of the night, just by mistake or by purpose because there's something that happened that I needed to get your attention to, it didn't go well for me on the way I experienced your reaction to that.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So I think that's buried deep down. If I'm honest, I'm a little scared.

Pam Allan: Sure. I can't blame you for some of the reactions I'm sure I had.

Corey Allan: Okay. So, I'll do incremental just maybe I can ...

Pam Allan: Ramp it up just a little bit.

Corey Allan: ... get it, increase the severity enough to where I'm not quite to the point of waking you up yet, but I am enough to get you out of the depth of whatever cycle you're in and bring you up a little bit closer and that'll stop you. And if that doesn't happen, then I can always grab the pillow and shake it, that usually works. Or ...

Pam Allan: Grab my pillow?

Corey Allan: Yes, grab your pillow and shake it, or the fail safe is finally, "Hey, Pam, wake up. You're snoring." Which recent history has proven that's an okay route because I'm not risking anything flying at me or vitriol coming out of your mouth or even anger. It's just, "Oh, okay." And then that's it. But I can't get past whatever software iteration it was long ago to where it is today when I'm at that stage.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But now if we switch it ...

Pam Allan: Yeah. If we switch it and I hear you snoring, first thing I do is "Corey, turnover."

Corey Allan: Pretty straight forward.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Pretty much. And if you don't, I just say it a little bit louder. "Corey turnover." You end up though, I'm going back to yours because of late there's often times where you will just default to coming out to the couch rather than waking me up.

Corey Allan: That is true.

Pam Allan: Despite me saying, "Wake me up."

Corey Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). And in my defense, I don't know if that's even an appropriate phrase here.

Pam Allan: No, no.

Corey Allan: But the rationale behind that ...

Pam Allan: The rationale.

Corey Allan: ... is at this time, while we're recording this when it's tax season and you're asleep, I'm good just letting you sleep.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so, if I'm already awake, what's the problem? I'll just move.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: That's not that big a deal other than I know I will be awakened early since our daughter and you and the dog are always up early. So if you head out into a room where people will be coming, you're going to be part of the damage that happens of just you're going to wake up as people get around for their day. So there's an element of that, that I see it as I could easily if my rational brain wants to get a little more of the rationalization hamster, I'll see it as a high ground of look at how caring I am. I'll just let my wife sleep and I want to try to not wake her up. And so, I can justify my approach to this.

Pam Allan: You justify it, yes. But it's funny because from my perspective, there's a part of me that says, "Ah, I appreciate you. I appreciate you when tax season is so crazy, I really do appreciate- ...

Corey Allan: Sleep is good sleep.

Pam Allan: I love being able to sleep, I really do. But there's definitely times where it's like, "Oh, come on, just wake me up because I don't want to be that person that made you go sleep on the couch."

Corey Allan: Right. And this is what's so fascinating because there's messages both sides. It's like the joke we started with on the show that there's messages with everything.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: And when we say that two people live together and we know that stuff, I know that you're afraid of me from whatever way back when, right? I know that you're afraid to say, "Hey, Pam, wake up and roll over." And I'm not really clear exactly the scenario, but I know that I've created scenarios that made you afraid of me back when. But for now, I'm like, "Gosh, I've laid out this clear path, wake me up." I would rather wake up in the morning with you in my bed. And so, then I've got this message on this side of dang it. I don't want to wake up with him. Now I feel guilty because I woke him up and kept him up.

Corey Allan: Right, okay. And so, I will own that there are times where I'm frustrated and I'll make that move because I'm trying to deliver that message too.

Pam Allan: Right. Right. And then I just get pissed off because I'm like, "Well dang it, I told you, that's on you." So then I come around to this, well, you know what? That's on you.

Corey Allan: Yeah.

Pam Allan: Because I've said my message, so here you are.

Corey Allan: No, I get it, I get it.

Pam Allan: But that's where we're getting into this, right? It's something like snoring.

Corey Allan: It's silly things. This is what's been going on in the Academy for a little bit. We've got a few couples that have been having this dialogue on the coaching calls of just they initially termed it stupid stuff and we've landed on the idea of it's petty. It's petty stuff because it's not a huge consequential moral thing. This is just dealing with life on life's terms. This is dealing with another human being.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And I guess the ultimate goal to me with this conversation is how do we, as people recognize the messages we send and be more honest about the negative messages that are built in there too. And some of them are sometimes a little bit more shot across the bow, some of them are torpedoes right in the side and we're delivering that and just be cleaner about, okay, the goal is take a person at their word. If that's what they're saying, you have to help me figure out how to navigate this better and I'm going to try to help you by teaching you me more. And then the ultimate point is how do we grow to see our partner as who they are and we see ourselves as who we are better as we're evolving?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: So can I get you some more coffee? Because that way we won't have to maybe mess with it tonight if we don't sleep at all.

Pam Allan: Yes, I would love more coffee.

Corey Allan: So an email came in that said, "I've been listening to your podcast for quite some time and finally felt the courage to submit a question. I want to first say that I've learned a lot on this podcast. I've learned a lot about myself, which has been great and I've been able to correct the things about myself by identifying with other callers issues and taking the solutions that we give and applying them where I see, so I can say thank you for that. I've been listening in particular to your episodes about high, low desire in marriage, because that's my biggest issue that I'm having now. I, like many other people I hear on here are the higher desire for sex while my wife is the lower desire. I was recently listening to episode 509 and as I was listening to this episode, I had the thought that stayed with me.
I'm a lower desire romantic. It seems we're always talking about low, high desire with just sex but what about romance? I understand this may sound a bit controversial, but I think it's worth talking about. I have to accept the fact that my wife won't desire sex as much as me. Why is it not looked at the same with PDA? Holding hands while watching TV or walking or saying, 'I love you,' multiple times a day. I'm okay with all those things because my wife does all those things and enjoys the affection and closeness, but I'm okay with not doing it or receiving that kind of affection every day.
She wants to hear I love you every day. She likes to have me when I'm close to home to be close enough to hold hands and kiss. I love her to pieces, but I just don't care for that. Her feelings are hurt and I feel obligated to do those things when I really don't want to. Just like she may feel obligated to show up in bed when she just really isn't in the mood. Am I wrong for comparing the two? I'd love both your thoughts on this. Thank you for what you do."

Pam Allan: I don't think that's wrong at all.

Corey Allan: This is spot on.

Pam Allan: Yeah. I seen it exactly. This is the point.

Corey Allan: Right. And what's interesting to me because we've said, and thank you for this email because it's a great opportunity to unpack this a little bit and actually then apply it to the different levels or areas. Because we've said throughout the years of SMR, there's a higher and a lower on every topic and some of this can change by season or situation too, right? Or by experiences.

Pam Allan: And we're not talking season of the year, season of life, right?

Corey Allan: True. Well, it could be season of the year too.

Pam Allan: Well, true. Okay, so either or.

Corey Allan: But that's how fluid this whole thing is. And what he's talking about is this whole concept of mixed level desires on interchangeable, correlated things, right? Because romance is going to go with sex. Intimacy is going to go with sex, conversational in depth can go with sex, right? And this is where it starts to get very interesting. You can be the higher desire for the actual act of sex, but the lower desire for what it takes to get there.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Especially for your higher desire spouse, who, shocker is the reverse.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: And so, I think this is so great to look at. What he's describing is the thing she's really looking forward to that can be a springboard into the thing he wants as the higher desire but he may not frame it that way, one, or it's more intimate or has a different meaning or something than the act of sex does, hence he's the lower desire.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And that's not always the case. Usually the things we're lower desire for are the things that either there's anxiety, uncertainty, insecurities about, or it's just not that important. It's just not as high on the radar and meaning it just isn't quite the same and it carries the same value.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So he's sitting here saying, "I really don't want to have to say, 'I love you,' every day. I really don't want to have to kiss or hold hands or be affectionate every day. And so, sometimes I feel like I have to."

Pam Allan: I think it's interesting, and I'm backing up to what you had just said that bringing out the point on high desire, low desire that it's not just about, I'm just not interested as much as you. It's also brings into, I might be the lower desire because it makes me more anxious. It's more out of my comfort zone. Maybe in my mind I would enjoy to have that. It's not that it's lower on my scale of importance, but because it creates this lack of comfort for me, it's down my list because I don't even want to approach the lack of comfort.

Corey Allan: Right. Right. And this is what's so fascinating if you'll actually, and I would encourage the members of the nation to do this, look at the major aspects that you would put under the umbrella of your sex life and your sexuality, all the things that help lead towards it and all the things that are a part of it. Things like the actual sexual desire, the intimacy, the novelty, the variety, which those can be the same, but those are also different. The romance, the connection, the affection, there's a lot of different layers that incorporate this whole aspect of our relationship in our life.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: One of the things that's incredibly powerful to do is to recognize where am I higher in one and lower in another that is really closer to the related and what's that about? Because I've worked with a lot of couples where we've gotten to this depth some of their issue is one of them has the higher desire for sexual frequency, but the lower desire for sexual intimacy.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: They want to do the act, but they don't really want to be known during it.

Pam Allan: Interesting.

Corey Allan: And yet, their partner is dying for the intimate connection and the act of it.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so, therefore they know if I'm not going to really get to experience all of you, it's just going to be a performance that lowers their desire for the desire of interest in it. So the more you can start to recognize that it might help you start to piece together, these are some of the things that, okay, so to his question, he's not wrong. These are completely comparable on higher desire fits on everything.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: And so, parsing it out can be very beneficial. Now you start looking at the aspects of romance. What are the things, particularly, if you almost put it on a continuum, where would you be really, really low on the PDA? Maybe that's a, I don't like being seen in public like that, it's like showing off or what's the meaning?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And if you could challenge those, maybe that helps you increase that level a little bit.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: What is it about holding hands? Is it a sweat reaction? Because I got that. I totally get it. There's times where you would want to come in and snuggle and it's like, "Nope." I start getting all ...

Pam Allan: It is too hot.

Corey Allan: ... fidgety. And I don't like to be uncomfortable like that. So you just take each one and start to parse it out of where's that coming from? What's that about?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: And then maybe the goal is not to necessarily get to the same level of desire, but the goal is to recognize what are you really facing better? So therefore you're more equipped to lean into it if you choose to, or you can at least be a better, lower desire to recognize, "You know what, honey? The fact that I don't want to say, 'I love you,' every day, I know what that means and how you read that and hear that, that is not my intent." So that way you both get an opportunity to try to grow up, to realize what is it about the higher desire that needs the, I love you every day?

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: Because this is where it plays out on the relationship to challenge both of you in your role. So I'm curious how that went with the coffee shop conversation that we had on how this lands with people. Because I mean, I'm going to venture a guess, we're probably the only couple that faces snoring issues.

Pam Allan: Oh, you're going to guess that?

Corey Allan: And we are just an anomaly, that everyone else just sleeps soundly through the night.

Pam Allan: I'm pretty sure that at the beginning of the show we said, we're pretty sure we're not an anomaly and that everybody else has this.

Corey Allan: Well I probably should have paid attention more in the early part of the show.

Pam Allan: Yeah, maybe you should have paid attention to there. But I'm interested to hear comments on the Academy or at mysmrnation.com.

Corey Allan: Yes. Jump in there. How do you address the different things that just bedevil us in marriage where there's differences, but there's also past that's added to it and how do you get past it?

Pam Allan: Right. Even little things like snoring, how do you deal with it?

Corey Allan: Because there's probably no right way, there's just wrong ways it would seem.

Pam Allan: No. Well, there could be two couples that deal with it exactly the same way, but one of them for them it's wrong and the other one for them ...

Corey Allan: Well I mean wrong as in if a hammer was involved.

Pam Allan: Okay, well there's that. The attitude in which the message is delivered and how it's received.

Corey Allan: That's spot on. Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio, whatever we left undone, let us know either at the network, my.smrnation.com or (214) 702-9565. So wherever you are, however you chose to listen, thanks so much for taking part of your week out to spend it with us. We'll see you next time.

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