On the Regular version of today’s show …
Larry Hagner from Dad Edge Podcast joins me to discuss to role and importance men play in fatherhood, marriage and the world.
Hear more from Larry here https://gooddadproject.com/podcast/
On the Xtended version …
Pam gives me her take on Larry and I’s conversation about men.
Enjoy the show!
AcornTV: Escape to Britain and beyond without leaving your seat. Try Acorn TV free for 30 days, by going to https://acorn.tv and use our promo code smr.
The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://smrnation.com/union
Get Xtended episodes in the Academy
Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...
Announcer: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, smrnation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.
Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, where each and every week, Pam, we're having straightforward, honest conversations-
Pam Allan: That's right. Yep.
Corey Allan: ... with all the folks that comprise the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation, which, if you listen to the show, you're part of the SMR Nation. Even if you've only listened to one minute, I'm still calling you a member of the nation.
Pam Allan: I don't know. One minute. I might have to put a qualifier in there.
Corey Allan: Well, you can. A minute-
Pam Allan: I draw a line in the sand. It has to be a full episode, I'm just saying.
Corey Allan: Wow, hardliner here going on. But what we want from the Sexy Marriage Radio Nation is they help steer the ship and help us to figure out where we're going, what questions we're going to answer, topics we're going to cover, guests that we can even have on, because some of them are recommended from the SMR Nation. So you let us know what's on your mind or what questions you've got at 214-702-9565, or email us at email@example.com because we read every single one that comes in. Some of them get put in the queue. They'll be answered directly. Some will be answered just directly via the inbox to inbox avenue. But we love the fact that whenever we hear from you guys, we know where we're heading.
Pam Allan: That's right.
Corey Allan: Because we want to try to be a help with what's going on in you, in your world, in your situation, so that you can find a way through and navigate to this other end of what can be really, really great. Another thing that's also been really, really great lately is just some of the feedback I'm still getting from The State of Our Union.
Pam Allan: Oh, wonderful. Good.
Corey Allan: That there's just some great things that are happening. We even have some international now-
Pam Allan: Love that.
Corey Allan: ... that have jumped on board and are getting the weekly conversation touchpoints. So if you're interested in that, go to smrnation.com/union, and it'll tell you all about how to start the conversation and the dialogue to have some regular conversations about the meaningful, not just the surface.
Pam Allan: Yeah, it's the same questions Corey and I ask each other every week, too.
Corey Allan: Absolutely. Well, coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio is a conversation that I had with Larry Hagner. He is the founder that kicked off ... It was The Good Dad Project originally, and then it since has kind of morphed into ... The better description is The Dad Edge Podcast, and they still have The Dad Edge Alliance and there's a bunch of other things that are coming out to just really help men be better dads.
Pam Allan: Yeah, that's wonderful.
Corey Allan: But he also made a comment as we were talking, because we've interacted several times over the years, that some of the highest downloaded content on his site with the episodes and the writings are on marriage.
Pam Allan: Oh, wonderful. Okay. So he knows the niche that people are looking for, too.
Corey Allan: Well, it speaks to the fact that men are interested in marriage and they're interested in how do I be better. So, obviously, his work goes towards men and being a father. That's kind of how it started. But when you go deeper into it, you start looking at, no, this is just how do we shape men into being better. That's kind of his whole goal. So it's a fantastic conversation, had some fun with him. Then coming up on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy, Pam and I are going to dissect, from a woman's point of view, what was her takeaway from the conversation that Larry and I had.
Pam Allan: Check it out.
Corey Allan: All that's coming up on today's show. Well, joining me today for Sexy Marriage Radio is a guy I've had several conversations with over the years, Larry Hagner, with The Dad Edge Alliance, The Dad Edge Podcast, just Dad Edge. I think all the men, probably, we're all looking for that edge, right?
Larry Hagner: Yeah, man. Everybody wants the edge. We want the X factor, right? We want that.
Corey Allan: Totally. So I'm excited about this conversation because I've been on your show a couple different times, and it's nice to have you back on mine. Let's keep the collaboration going. I'm just curious, right out of the gate, Larry, how did you get going with Dad Edge? I've never even asked you that story. So how did all this come to be?
Larry Hagner: I woke up one morning, and I was like, "I know everything there is to know about being a man, husband, and father. I need to share this with the world." If you believe that, I'll tell you another one. No, man, this was born out of absolute strife and struggle and banging my head up against a wall, patience, dark times, dark thoughts, dark childhood, you name it. It was all that good stuff. It really started, I guess, with my childhood. My mom and biological father, they were married 1971, had me in '75. When I was about nine months old, they got divorced. My dad left after that.
When I was four, I believe he got remarried. I know that because he just celebrated his 41st wedding anniversary. I actually didn't realize that until very recently. But I didn't know him at all, no recollection of him at all. In fact, I remember this like it was yesterday, and I'm 45, and I remember this 41 years ago, when I was four. I was in preschool. I remember men coming to pick up their kids, and I knew what a dad was. I knew what a dad was. I just knew that we didn't have one. I was fine with that. I didn't think I was missing out on anything, actually.
Corey Allan: Right. You don't know what you don't know at that point, right?
Larry Hagner: Yeah, you don't. In fact, it was kind of funny. What I thought was is moms go out and they find a dad, like kids magically appear and moms then go out and they find a dad. My mom hadn't found one yet, and that was okay, no worries. It's kind of a funny story. When I was four, my mom brought home a man for the first time that I think she'd been dating for a while. I'll never forget this, man. He came over for dinner. He was wearing the 1979 trench coat, he had the handlebar mustache, the feathered hair, the three-piece suit, the double Windsor tie. He was a software engineer at a company called City Corp. Literally, at that moment, I thought he was going to be my dad. That was the first question I asked this guy. My mom introduced him. I was like, "Are you going to be my dad?"
Corey Allan: Okay.
Larry Hagner: Yeah. He's like, "Oh, I'm already getting roped in, right?" Then, when I was five, they did get married, and they were married for five years. Every year they were married, it got worse. There was a lot of drinking. He was a very successful white collar person, ex-military, very polite when sober, very mean when drunk. My mom and him just really ... Every year they were married, it just got worse. Then they got divorced when I was 10. He left, never saw him again.
When I was 12, interesting thing happened. Just out of time, I won't get into the detail, but I actually met my biological father on accident, and it totally happened as a fluke. I was asking a lot of questions about where I came from because at that point I knew my father who adopted me at four was not my father. So I had this relationship. He had been married, I guess, seven or eight years at the time, had a two-year-old son, another one on the way. Man, I was so happy. We hung out for a good six months, and the best way I can describe it was the last month or two, it just seemed weird, like something was really heavy on him, and I couldn't identify what it was. I just knew something was off.
Then we just had a discussion one day, and it was kind of, "It's not you, it's me," and we went our separate ways. It was tough, man. I'm not going to lie. I think I, at that point, really kind of gave up as a kid, failed the eight grade, gave up, had Fs in every subject, had to do eighth grade twice. My mom was in and out of marriages. She got married three times. Every guy was the same guy. It was just like alcoholic, rage, all that stuff.
Corey Allan: So there's a definite pattern going on through all of this, that you're just kind of, "Oh, hello, this is" ... You're just, "All right."
Larry Hagner: Yeah, just, "All right, here we go. Different face, same guy." That's the way it felt. So I'll finish the story here. I went to college, graduated college, got my degree, and started in pharmaceutical sales, medical device sales. Then, one day, I was meeting a friend for coffee, and I was 30 years old, I was married, had a son on the way. Who came walking in the door for his morning coffee but my father, my biological father. Hadn't seen him since I was 12, and the last time I talked to him was that conversation. We ended up talking, and he came over, and here we are 15 years later. We have a relationship.
Then, to answer your question, where the relationship is and why Good Dad Project, why Dad Edge, I think I was a dad for six years, so I was 36 years old at the time, six-year-old, four-year-old. I was your typical guy, right? Very short on patience, really wrapped up in my career, didn't know much about marriage, struggled with communication, finances, patience, the whole nine yards. One night, my anger got the best of me, and I spanked my four-year-old son who's now 12. I spanked him so hard, he hit the ground. It was in that moment I was like, "Something's got to change. This is absolutely unacceptable. Something's got to change." It was that night I went into my office and I did what every adult does when they have a dark moment. I went in and checked my Facebook. I saw in the lower left-hand corner, "Create a page."
I don't know what it was in that moment, but Good Dad Project just rolled off my heart and onto that screen. It was a surrender, I think, at that point, where I was just like, "I don't have this all figured out, and I just need to learn. I need to treat this just like anything else." I hired counselors like yourself to just help me, give me a point in the right direction, coaches, mentors. I was reading books. I was doing the whole nine yards. 2013, started the blog. 2015, started the podcast. 2016, started the Mastermind. And, man, we've been off and running ever since.
Corey Allan: Yeah. And it's a tremendous resource. The times I've interacted, the feedback I get, and even just the poking around, it's a great resource because that's the one thing I have found, and you confirm it, that we're hungry for information, and men particularly, but there's that bravado and that taboo of, "Ah, can I ask? Can I ask for help? Who do I turn to?" Because we got to act like we've got it all together, it seems, but in reality, we're human, and we're trying to figure out how are we all doing this better. So, in the journey you've had with this, what have you seen that are the challenges fathers, and men secondarily, but fathers particularly face today? What are some of the bigger ones that we are up against?
Larry Hagner: Oh, gosh, you probably know this better than anybody, right, so I'm preaching to the choir. But what I've seen is men are very eager to learn, like, "Hey, how do I create the marriage that I truly want?" In our community, we call that the legendary marriage. We don't know how to navigate that relationship. We're just not taught. And a lot of us have the example growing up that maybe wasn't ideal, right? We're just trying to wing it. But here's the crazy thing, right? I think you understand this, obviously. But it's almost like if you were going to go to school ... And you have your PhD, right?
Corey Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Larry Hagner: Right. So it's almost like you go to school and first day, you show up, you don't even have your undergrad yet. It's like, "Hey. Guess what? Guess what? Okay. We don't do PhDs anymore. We don't do the undergrad anymore. Hey, today, Corey, you're a doctor. Today, you're Dr. Corey Allan."
Corey Allan: Yeah. Here you go.
Larry Hagner: "Congratulations. Yeah, you're going to go see patients, you're going to help them navigate life and relationships and self-confidence and all these different things that people go through. Don't worry. It'll be the best time of your whole life. You'll figure it out." All of us look at that and we're like, "Oh my gosh, that's unheard of. I would never do" ... Same thing with a firefighter, same thing with a cop, anything, right? But when it comes to our relationships, why is that expected? But it's the norm, and especially if you're a dude, God forbid you ask for help because then you're broken, then you're weak, you're this, you're that. "I can't figure it out on my own. I must not be a man." It's all these lies that we tell ourselves, and I think that's one of, I think, several.
Another one is patience, patience with our kids, external stresses, patience with ourselves, the conversation we have between these two ears. That really hits us hard. Then the final thing that I've seen is that men, so badly, they want these things to be fulfilling. They want their marriage to be fulfilling. They want these amazing experiences and connections with their kids and they just don't know how to do that and they're not in an environment where they can be like, "Hey, how do I do this better?"
Corey Allan: Right. Because, yeah, that's that whole vulnerable stance, that it's how do we find that place where I can ask the questions and not feel the fool or embarrassed, even though it's maybe embarrassing to ask those questions, but to be surrounded with people that are like, "Oh, thank you, someone's asking the question." That's the experience I've had a lot with this show and just across the years of interacting with people and couples, is any time I'm speaking ... I know you speak as well at a lot of different places and times. My particular style is more dialogue than monologue, and I love when someone's willing to say, "Ah, hold on a sec," and they ask it, and you can see at least four, five, six other people going, "Thank you. I was wondering that exact same thing." Right?
Because a human condition truly is we are not all different, as much as we like to think we are. There is really a ton of similarity in things, and so if one person's got a question or a struggle or uncertainty, you know other people do. So finding valuable communities like that that allow you to have the freedom and the respect to ask the questions, I think, is so big because you even alluded to it, we all have trouble getting out of our own way and out of our own heads a lot of times.
Larry Hagner: We do. Exactly. You couldn't have said it better. When you're in a room or an environment where you're able to ask those questions, as a man, we love to contribute, we love to give advice and strategy and share our own experiences. When you're in an environment where you're like, "Oh, man, I might be here to work on this, that, or the other, but whatever Brad's going through, man, I've been down that road. I know exactly what he's going through. I can give him some advice." Then, on top of it, yeah, it's that environment of psychological safety where it's not just, "Oh, it feels really cool to be authentic," it's actually celebrated, right? It's actually a celebrated thing, like, "Hey, man, that was pretty darn brave. That was pretty amazing. That was courageous to share what you just shared, so thank you for blessing the rest of us who didn't want to speak up and talk about those things."
Corey Allan: Right. And then they actually earned and will garner more out of that experience because that's the whole ... Brené Brown talks about that with vulnerability, that it begets vulnerability when one person's willing to share, even if what's responded to in kind isn't in lockstep or the same experience, like you alluded to Brad, "Oh, yeah, I've been down that same road." Even if there's a group of people that you've never experienced what some dude just unloaded, there's still that element of the human experience of I understand stuckness. I understand feeling isolated and alone, and I can bond with that feeling and that experience and recognize, "You know what, dude? Even though I don't have any clue, Brad, what you're really facing, you're not alone in facing that, though. You need something, dude? I'm here." That is huge.
Larry Hagner: Amen to that, man. You are dead on.
Corey Allan: We'll be back with more of our conversation right after this. I'm not sure if this is a confession or not, but to everybody out in the SMR Nation, you and I, Pam, are not huge live TV watchers.
Pam Allan: Right, yeah, no. When we watch, we want to be able to pick whatever it is we're watching.
Corey Allan: Right. So while there's a world of entertainment options out there, and by that, I mean there's a lot of compelling shows to choose from, but perhaps you didn't know this, Pam, there's also a lot of international shows that we may be missing out on.
Pam Allan: I love international.
Corey Allan: So it's time to burst the domestic TV bubble and check out Acorn TV, which is the sponsor for today's episode.
Pam Allan: Sweet.
Corey Allan: So British accents, they're pretty charming, they're pretty cool.
Pam Allan: Love them.
Corey Allan: But I also love the mystery, drama, and comedy woven into the fabric of British entertainment because it's really like nowhere else on the planet. Well, Acorn TV is a commercial-free streaming service that's rooted in British television. It's home to sophisticated and artful storytelling with top-rated mysteries, dramas, and heartfelt comedies and so much more. Unlike other British TV services, Acorn TV has content from Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and beyond. So we can even watch the stuff from down under, mate.
Pam Allan: Or do they have your homeland, Scotland?
Corey Allan: I don't know. They do have Scotland, actually. I saw one of the shows from there the other day.
Pam Allan: Sweet.
Corey Allan: So perhaps you're one of the millions that fell in love with Downton Abbey. If you are, you're a fan of quirky British comedy, then they have one out there called The Other One, which is actually a story of two sisters from very different worlds that had no idea that the other existed until their father died.
Pam Allan: Oh.
Corey Allan: Dun-dun-dun.
Pam Allan: Sweet.
Corey Allan: There's lots of shows to pick from as well, with new ones added every week, so I always can find something new to watch on Acorn TV because it's loaded with thousands of hours of binge-worthy content, and you and I have been known to binge some things occasionally.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yes, we have.
Corey Allan: You can stream all this on your favorite device for just $5.99 a month, so we watch it both via Roku or on our laptop. It's so easy that you can take it anywhere with you everywhere you go. So take advantage of this offer and escape to Britain and beyond without leaving the comfort of your seat. Try Acorn TV for free for 30 days by going to acorn.tv and use our promo code SMR. That's A-C-O-R-N, dot, TV with the code SMR, and you get your first 30 days for free.
When you're talking about ... Because I know, with Dad Edge, obviously, with the title, it's aimed at a certain group of people that's easily distinguished just by the title. But when you're talking about fatherhood, what have you also come across ... Because you and I were talking ahead of time that marriage is a big topic in your podcast as far as popularity. How do those get in the way of each other? What have you come across where fatherhood impacts husbandhood, if you want to make up a word, and husbandhood can impact fatherhood? How do you see those two playing off each other in good and bad ways?
Larry Hagner: That's a great question. I think I would love your professional opinion on this. The way my wife and I operate and the way that I truly believe that works best for us is that my wife and I put each other first. We put each other before the kids. We just do, and that's not to say that our kids are not important. Our kids are very important, and when I say they're second, I'm talking micro, micro, micro percentages, right?
Corey Allan: I get you. But let's clarify, though, because I jump in on this with the psychological component of it. We get into this hierarchy thinking that if one exists then the other can't rather than we live in dualities. I know you have multiple children, and so one of the things I'll ask people a lot when I'm speaking is anybody in the audience that's got more than one child, I'm like, "Okay, which one's your favorite," because every parent will immediately go, "Oh, I don't have favorites. I love my kids equally." I'm like, "No, you don't. You love them differently, and it's not a hierarchy. It's unique to each situation and each person."
So I want to at least add the clarification because I completely agree. The marriage comes first. It existed before the kid. The relationship was there before the child. Even if it was a short-lived relationship before the child came around, it still was chosen first. So when you can keep that as the forefront of, you know what, this is a priority, it doesn't mean I'm throwing ... Because I agree, the same thing with Pam and I. It's not like I throw my kids outside, "Fend for yourself because this is Mom and Dad time right now." No, it's this is time that we're honoring for ourselves because, like you're describing, you were there before them and you'll be together there after them.
Larry Hagner: Yeah, agreed. My wife and I, we really look at our relationship as the foundation of the house. If the foundation is crumbling, that's not good for anybody.
Corey Allan: Correct.
Larry Hagner: It's not good for me, it's not good for her, it's definitely not good for the kids. That stress, that spills over on them, right, and they feel that. I didn't grow up with seeing successful marriages. I grew up with the opposite. But here's what I will tell you. I was blessed with this amazing grandfather that was married to my grandmother for 53 years, and that man loved that woman till the day he died, and he let everyone in the room know it, no matter how old they were. He would always hug her, always kissed her, always told her she was beautiful, all these things. I didn't appreciate that when I was younger, but, man, I appreciate that now.
I truly feel that one of my jobs as a father is to show my boys, because I have four of them last time I counted ... There might be more, but last time I counted there were four, 14, 12, 6, and 4. My job is I want to show by example this is how you love and treat a woman and this is how you have a successful marriage because as much as I respect, love, and honor my wife, she does the exact same back to me, and we share that stuff very openly. Back to your question, I think that if we allow ourselves to cultivate that relationship ... Because I think men in general, they feel pretty darn good about the other aspects of their life, whether it be work, parenting, their health, their finances, all these things, if that relationship with their wife is operating on a pretty darn good level, and if it's not, it seems like all the other parts are just like, "Ugh, it just doesn't feel like it's everything it could be." It's stressed and burdened, you know what I mean? It feels heavy.
Corey Allan: Yeah. Well, that's the research that comes out that shows that when a marriage is good, it accounts for a smaller percentage of happiness quotient. But when the marriage is struggling, the pressure is so much more. It's not correlated, right? It carries much more weight on the rest of your life and the happiness of that or the quality of that. So I think that's what you're describing. And I love the concept of it's the foundation, it's the foundation of the house. If there's weak spots and it's sagging or crumbling, then those are things that need to get shored up. That helps everything else fall in line better.
Larry Hagner: I totally agree. Again, I think it boils down to ... I think we can all teach our kids a really powerful lesson. If you have boys, you've got a tremendous opportunity to teach your boys how to treat a woman. If you have girls, you have a tremendous opportunity to show, "This is how you should be treated and this is what a good relationship looks like."
Corey Allan: Yeah. Well, I have a 15-year-old daughter, and my goal has always been I'm setting the standards so high, no other human male species creature can meet it. You know?
Larry Hagner: And you have firearms.
Corey Allan: So I think it is important. Have you seen the reverse, though, of how a husband can really impact fatherhood in a ... What are some of the negative things that can happen, right? Because that is kind of a balancing act. We don't talk much about this. I'm just thinking of this off the top of my head, too, that I could really focus on one and it's good, right, but we're talking about two different roles that men play. Because it's very easy to go, "I'll just be a good father," and I can wear that label, but I could also go, "I'll just be a good husband," and I can just wear that label, but the goal is I got to do both.
Larry Hagner: Got to do both. Yeah, without a doubt. I think the skill sets are equal, right? When it comes to the prioritization of the relationship, my wife does come first. Like I said, it's micro percentage points, right? But I think being a father, yeah, especially that male role, the fatherhood role, we've got an opportunity ... I think if you talk to most men, most men, we have a father wound of some sort, right? I think the generation of fathers that you and I grew up with and then their generation of fathers, they were providers, right? That was their identity. "I put food on the table. I teach hard work. I'm not an empathetic, feely type of dude."
But what I think we're seeing now, and you would probably know better than me, is we're having a generation now of fathers who are very eager and they're very aware and they want more. They're like, "I don't know if I had every bit of my father's attention, but, man, I want to dive in." But the gap is, that I see anyway, is that they're like, "I want to be all in. Let's do this. I want communication, I want connection, I want experiences. I want to cultivate this relationship, but I don't know how to do that. I don't necessarily have the tool" ... And here's the other thing, too, as you know in your practice. Men will sabotage themselves. For some reason, we have this view of it that it should come naturally, and if it doesn't, oh, we're just failures and we're terrible, right?
We just released a course on patience. Patience is probably the number one Achilles' heel that I hear when it comes to men and raising their kids, like, "Oh, I struggle with patience." When I tell guys, as I'm sure you do as well, I was like, "Man, patience is a skill. It's a practice, okay? It doesn't come naturally. It just doesn't. Your reactionary primitive brain is reactionary. You've got to build in that skill to create response and not reaction." I think when men hear that, they're like, "Oh, so I can actually learn the skill. It's okay if it doesn't come naturally," and I think that's dead on, right?
Corey Allan: Yeah, and it's funny you used that concept and that phrase because this is one of the things that Pam and I and all the different church life groups we've ever been in in our marriage thus far ... If we're a part of that group, inevitably, when it comes to prayer request time, someone's going to say, "I need patience." I am really quick to jump in, "Be careful what you're praying for here," because I believe it's a learned skill, like you're describing. I'm sure God could do this, where he just bestows upon Larry, "Here, now you're overflowing with patience." But, typically, it doesn't work that way.
Patience is learned. I can go back through the history of my 49 years at this point. Every time I have prayed for patience, inevitably, within the next two weeks, some of the most annoying relationships have surfaced in my life and some of the most frustrating circumstances have surfaced in my life because I think that's the opportunity to learn patience, like you're describing, that it is a higher-level processing thing. I loved your phrase right there of, "I got to move it from reaction to response," because that's the whole goal in the game anyway.
Larry Hagner: It really is. It's pattern and interrupt, right? It doesn't even necessarily have to be our kids. You know as well as I do, men are challenged with things all day long. People need something from us every minute of every day. Sometimes, by the time we get home, and by the way, but when we get home, unfortunately, that's the skill set that we feel least competent at because we're reactionary, we're very hard on ourselves, we self-sabotage, we should all over ourselves all the time. I should be better. I should be a better father. I should be a more patient father. We do things that sabotage us even worse.
But we do these things, I think, in the morning, right when we get up, that just completely set up our day for absolute disaster. If you're waking up and the first thing you're doing is checking this thing, which, if you guys can't see it because we're in audio only, it's your device, right? It's your phone. If you're checking your email, your social media, and your text messages, you are coming out of your sleep state, whatever that is, and then all the sudden, you are in fight or flight. It could be not necessarily like a dinosaur is going to come and eat you, but, oh, hey, you need to submit this expense report, or this person texts you, you need to respond, oh, this person wants this over email.
It's all these things, and suddenly we're ignited. It's not even 6:30 in the morning yet, and we're like, "Oh, I got to do all this stuff." Think about that. You're literally starting your day by hitting the gas pedal going 90 miles an hour, in your brain anyway. By the time you get home, no wonder you're so overwhelmed. No wonder you're so burnt out. No wonder you're so reactionary. Because some of the first things we do in the morning are the worst, right?
Corey Allan: Right, right. So, instead, you're talking about how do we disrupt it right from the get-go, which maybe means put in a different ramp-up procedure, set a timeframe, like, "This is when I can finally check email," or, "This is when I can finally" ... Because I love the idea because you're talking just boundaries. It's funny you say that because I grab my phone but not before a cup of coffee.
Larry Hagner: Yeah, good for you. Right, yeah.
Corey Allan: I start that coffee first, and so maybe I even need to get better at just, "I'm not even going to grab any device. I'm just going to sit and enjoy that cup of coffee more regularly."
Larry Hagner: Right.
Corey Allan: And maybe that helps ramp into it a little bit slower and a little bit more engaged.
Larry Hagner: Yeah. Even part of the course we just launched, there's a whole section in there on morning routine and, man, do I get it. Sometimes, if I see one more morning routine, I'm going to go crazy. But it is, it's so important, and you got to have a structure of a morning routine that is going to start the day off with some calm. You are your first agenda, so you can then selflessly serve on a more profound manner. I think a lot of us do the backwards part.
I had another podcast guest describe it to me like this, and I was like, "Oh my gosh, man, no wonder we're so short on patience. No wonder men are so reactionary but women, too." When you're connected to your mobile device and you get up first thing in the morning, it's almost like between emails, text messages, social media, all the apps you have to keep up with, like your Fitbit app and this app and that app, and there's kids' school stuff, and then your kids on top of it, everybody you work with, then your spouse, it's almost like right when you wake up, you're walking into a crowded room of 100 people and all of them are tapping you on the back. "Hey. Hey, Corey. Hey, Corey. Hey, Corey, I need ... Corey, Corey." No wonder by the time you get done at 5:00 PM, you're like, "I just want to kill somebody right now. Why do I want to do that?" But that's what it feels like.
Corey Allan: Yeah, and I'm hearing this whole thing will also overlap into the life of a woman, right? It's the same context. I hear this from the flip side for a lot of women, especially the ones that have children at home and have the blessing to be able to say because they choose it and I'm involved and then they're desperate for, "Just don't touch me. Just don't need something from me." I love the picture I've got ... And I actually was told this from my grandparents who raised twins, my mom's a twin. There would be days when he would be walking up the street, my grandfather, and Grandma would be waiting, and as soon as he hit the front door, one of the twins is handed straight to him and she is walking away, out the door, down the street. That was just a signal of, "I can't take ... I got to have a breather. I got to just disconnect for a second." I think that's some of the same kind of pressures that we have on us that how do we respond to, not just react to.
Larry Hagner: Yeah, agree. That's why I think it's a practice. It's a discipline. It's these things that, if you can calm your mind and not only just calm your mind, but if you can recognize your triggers, the things that trigger you ... I'll be very transparent here. I created this patience course, I podcast about this stuff. Right now, in our Mastermind community, between the Mastermind community and the podcast, we're creating a lot of new resources right now. So my attention is spread into many different things right now, which leave me at the end of the day ... I'm like, "Oh my gosh." Then four boys on top of it, four energetic boys.
So I actually made an appointment with my counselor, and I told him, I was like, "I don't know what's going on. I know the skills, and I know what I need to do. For some reason, I'm just not doing it. I don't know what's going on." He's like, "Well, tell me about your day," and I did. He's like, "All right, so you're done with work at 5:00." He's like, "You just walk out of your office 10 feet into your house, right?" I'm like, "Yeah," and he goes, "So you don't do anything to break the cycle of work mode into now your dad mode?"
It's kind of like your ... Was it your grandfather, right? "Here, take this twin," right? He's like, "What do you like to do?" I'm like, "I don't know. I like fitness. I like to run. I play guitar." He's like, "What if you took 10 minutes, played guitar, or went for a 10-minute walk and be like, 'Guys, I'll be back in 10 minutes.'" Of course, it's like Captain Obvious, especially guys who sit on your side of the room, right? I'm like, "This was so simple. I could've taken care of this months ago if I would've just asked for the help months ago." I was like, "Wow, what a great idea," did that, feel so much better, just that one thing, that one tiny tweak.
Corey Allan: Yeah, that's the whole creating margin and the transitions that we have in life, right, that I got this and I transitioned to the next and how do I have a margin in between those two, because that's an incredibly important skill, absolutely. So, Larry, man, thank you so much for the work you do and the words that you're sharing and the skill sets that you're providing. For those that are in the SMR Nation that are not familiar with Dad Edge and everything you do, tell them how they find you and a little bit about what they would find.
Larry Hagner: So everything right now, we've had the gooddadproject.com website for, gosh, seven years, almost eight. Everything's there. Our podcasts are there, patience course is there, information about our Mastermind. We have almost 500 members in our Mastermind, men who do life with us. It just so happens in November and December, we're actually doing that exact thing. Our content, our focus is creating more patience, much needed around the holidays, November and December, since we're all a little bit more stressed out, especially with all the wonderful things that have come with 2020.
Instagram, you can find me, @thedadedge. My YouTube channel, we just started really ... You know what's so funny? You'll appreciate this. You've been podcasting a long time. I started mine in 2015. I was like, "Eh, we don't really need YouTube. It'll go away." Now, I'm 600-plus episodes of Dad Edge podcast, and I'm like, "We should probably start putting this on YouTube."
Corey Allan: Yeah, yeah.
Larry Hagner: Yeah, you can find us at Good Dad Project YouTube channel. We post now all of our podcasts and a lot of different videos on there for men.
Corey Allan: Perfect. Well, Larry, thank you so much for just speaking to our kind because the voices are definitely needed. So all the best and blessings on that work and on the family.
Larry Hagner: I appreciate it. And bottom of my heart, for those of you guys in the audience who listen to Dr. Corey Allan, he's come on my show a couple times now, you can't ask for a better guy when it comes to ... And he didn't know. He did not pay me to say this. I genuinely believe. I'm a big fan of yours. I have been for a long time. What a tremendous resource for your audience and what you're doing in the world. So thank you.
Corey Allan: Well, that's very kind. Thank you very much, man. It is a great privilege to be able to meet and interact with people that have similar goals.
Pam Allan: It is, yeah.
Corey Allan: That you come across people-
Pam Allan: Collaborate with, yeah.
Corey Allan: Right, that you come across people, it's like, "Sweet, we're kind of all heading the same direction." The target might be a little different as far as the niche or the audience, but, man, it's all still about just let's just make humans better.
Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). That's right.
Corey Allan: If we just bare bones this thing, right?
Pam Allan: Right.
Corey Allan: That's what we're hoping for, is just how does each person recognize I'm not in this alone, problems don't last forever, there's solutions that can be found, there's groups that will help, there's allies out there. That's what the Sexy Marriage Radio Academy is, it's allies, right?
Pam Allan: That's right. That's right.
Corey Allan: It's where people can come as couples and share stuff, or some of the times where it's really special, where you start to see a husband share something that's going on and some of the other women jump in and say, "Well, I hear that," or you can reverse the genders of, "Here's how I hear that," because you don't get a lot of chance to bounce stuff off of a huge group of people very often that don't have real shady ulterior motives.
Pam Allan: Right, right.
Corey Allan: This is truly about let's all be better.
Pam Allan: Let's do.
Corey Allan: That's we're hoping here at Sexy Marriage Radio, is that we're all being better because when that happens, man, everybody's better. Well, this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. If there's something undone that we need to cover, go a different way, or you've got questions, let us know. 214-702-9565 or firstname.lastname@example.org. So wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks again for taking some time out of your day to spend it with us. See you next time.
Sign up to receive email updates
Enter your name and email address below and I'll send you periodic updates about the podcast.