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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Too Easy For Your Spouse? #457

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On the Regular version of today’s show …

A conversation about slowing down in life and marriage.

A question from a husband asking for help with a position they both enjoy but want it to last longer for him/or quicker for her.

A caller speaking up about pain in sex for women.

On the Xtended version …

Is it possible that you can make things too easy for your spouse? Yes!

Enjoy the show!

Got a question?

CALL US 214-702-9565
or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Corey Allan:
Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, alongside my wife, as always, Pam.

Pam Allan:
Hey, good to be here with you today.

Corey Allan:
Here trying to help the SMR Nation, just make the most out of their married life, and their sex life. And those two things oftentimes can really feed-off each other, but sometimes they're separate for some couples because we hear emails a lot of everything. "Our relationship is great except for our sex life." And we get it, I understand it. I also don't get it, because it would seem like, those two things are barometers. It's going to pull things down, but you're still getting something out of it, even if the sex life is struggling, the rest of the relationship could be a little bit easier. I guess that helps with the way people frame it. But this is Sexy Marriage Radio, where we go, where you will benefit most. And the way that happens is, you let us know what's on your mind, what kind of questions you've got, because this is listener driven radio. And the SMR Nation helps steer this ship each and every week.

Corey Allan:
And the way you do that is you call us at 214-702-9565 or send us an email at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com because each of those messages that come in do get read or heard. Some get answered directly. Some become show topics. And if you have something that's in the queue and you are just itching to have it answered, but you sent it via email, call it in on the voicemail line that gets it to the front of the line or at least a little closer to the front of the line. We can't get to everything sometimes just because of the amount of messages that come in sometimes. But the other thing we ask of you is as the SMR nation is to help us spread the word, jump on iTunes, rate and review the show. Leave a comment, do the same on Stitcher.

Corey Allan:
Find your friends, your family members, subscribe for them in their feed. Just grab their phones subscribe to the show because we want to spread the word that married sex is the hotbed for sex. And we want it to be as good as it can be because we want marriages around the world to be as good as they can be, because that just makes everybody better.

Corey Allan:
So here's the thing that just comes to my mind as we start off the show, Pam, it's interesting. So I just finished this book I'm listening to on audible, which I love audible. Where has it been all my life? I was late to the game.

Pam Allan:
No kidding, no kidding.

Corey Allan:
Just devouring great information by listening to books now. And I just finished today as we're recording this, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John [Comer 00:03:06], and it's a fantastic book where he's just talking about the importance of how do we slow down, right? It's in the Christian realm because he's talking about if you want to be an apprentice of Jesus, you need to do more than just follow his teachings. You need to also adopt his lifestyle some, and look at how he conducted himself and he was never in a hurry, and the phrase actually comes from Dallas Willard.

Pam Allan:
Took some time for himself as well.

Corey Allan:
Right? The actual phrase, which is the title, is a Dallas Willard phrase. How do I be more in tune with myself and more an apprentice of Jesus. And he said, "You ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life".

Pam Allan:
Hum, that's interesting.

Corey Allan:
And so it made, I've just been contemplating a lot of this as I've been listening to it. And one of the last suggestions he gives, he gives a bunch of these little steps of here's how you can create some time and slowdown in your life. And one of which is, make your smart phone a dumb phone.

Pam Allan:
By doing what?

Corey Allan:
Get rid of all social media. Get rid of email, get to all the stuff that we used to be able to have to do via our computer.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
Make it just all on the computer again. Make your phone only things that are a necessity as a phone and texting.

Pam Allan:
Okay.

Corey Allan:
But everything else, if it's on there, only have it on there if it really does bring you joy in life, not something that's a distraction.

Pam Allan:
Excuse me. It's interesting you talk about bringing you joy and all the social media we have. How many of us truly get what is really joy out of social media? I love the idea of boot knit and if I'm going to look at it, just have it on my computer.

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
I pretty much just share family things or whatever, but I love that idea.

Corey Allan:
So this afternoon I did that.

Pam Allan:
Oh you did.

Corey Allan:
Then I started wigging out.

Pam Allan:
Really?

Corey Allan:
I did. I was like, that is a drastic-

Pam Allan:
You don't even check social media on your phone.

Corey Allan:
No, I took off email, and I took off Slack, which there's all in my Mastermind Academy.

Pam Allan:
What? That's work for you, okay.

Corey Allan:
It is work, but I'm on my computer a bunch too. And so it's just this whole, because how many times as members of the SMR Nation, how many times right before you're going to bed, do you hit that email button? Do you hit that social media button? Just to check to see if something else came in? Because I do. And then a lot of those lead me down holes that aren't good because then all of a sudden I get something in my head it's like, "Oh I got to get that done for work". And, "Oh that person needs this", and, "Oh we've got to do this with the volunteer thing", and all that stuff and I'm not resting then.

Pam Allan:
Well that's true. I'll say I'm not one of those people that checks email before bed because I know that's where I'll go. But if the app had been up and you can see the name and you can see the subject line.

Corey Allan:
Yeah.

Pam Allan:
And that's all it takes to get it, and I have that happen on a regular basis. I don't want to think about that.

Corey Allan:
It's immediate pinging and then you get into well what do they need, what's going on, what's just happened, what, because it's that fear of missing out or whatever. And I'm hearing all of this and not only wrestling with it, with the spiritual realm, I'm also thinking of it in the relational realm of how do we slow down relationships to let the power of the relationship shine back through. To see the essence of who you're married to and to have them share the essence of who you are. Because we live in a world of perpetual distraction and that's not going away anytime soon unless we are intentional about it. But it's just so fascinating because that's such a real world current event for me. I felt like I needed to share that because it's a real struggle. And so this evening-

Pam Allan:
I'm surprised that you wigged out with it.

Corey Allan:
Yeah, but so as of the time we're sitting here now to record several hours later after I did this, everything's back on the phone.

Pam Allan:
Everything?

Corey Allan:
Yeah.

Pam Allan:
Wow.

Corey Allan:
Yep, I'm going to do this in stages, just like knocking over a vending machine. You know, you have to get it rocking a little bit before you could tip it all the way over.

Pam Allan:
And there's some, I guess everyone has to look at that for themselves, right? We read a book and all of a sudden we want to do everything that's in the book, and not everything may apply to everyone of us, right?

Corey Allan:
Oh totally.

Pam Allan:
Some of us may not have an issue with that.

Corey Allan:
I was convicted because I recognize a lot of the times when I pick up my phone, I took off notifications on most of the apps. I don't get the dings, I don't get the messages up top.

Pam Allan:
That's key. You do get those Slack notifications non-stop.

Corey Allan:
Right, they're because I got, they're active groups. The Academy is incredibly active. It's some weeks even more so. And then the Mastermind groups, they're active and so the pings and the buzzes and all of that. I just had the little badge notification. But even that is a draw of like, okay, I can be intentional to take care of that, but I don't do that on email. But I still, I have so many times where I want, everything to come in and I'm hitting it and it's, there's that element of why am I checking this?

Pam Allan:
Okay, so let's take this, I don't think you were planning on going here, but let's take this to what happened with us a week ago.

Corey Allan:
Okay.

Pam Allan:
Right, and I always have my phone on silent. Not always, not always. And usually I don't intentionally have it on silent, but bedtime, goes on silent and during the day I often have meetings with clients and so I silence that phone.

Corey Allan:
Right, because you don't need the distractions to interrupt things.

Pam Allan:
I don't, I don't want a distraction to interrupt the meeting. And then I use that also when I have some focus time to just have my head down working. I purposefully keep my phone silent so that I can just focus on that. I don't want the dings, I don't want a phone call. I can pick a time to respond to all of my voicemails and things like that.

Corey Allan:
Which is fabulous.

Pam Allan:
Which is fabulous for me.

Corey Allan:
Totally. Well, that's Cal Newport's work of deep work.

Pam Allan:
Right? But then I'm not seeing when you call.

Corey Allan:
Right, which isn't fabulous.

Pam Allan:
Which isn't fabulous.

Corey Allan:
Because that impacts me.

Pam Allan:
Right? And there're times when you want to get a hold of me, you need to get ahold of me. I guess in my mind is if you really need me, you can call the office number and they'll patch you through, right?

Corey Allan:
Which I'll do if I really need you.

Pam Allan:
Right. But this instance was on a Saturday and our switchboards not open then, right?

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
And so that causes, that wreaked havoc.

Corey Allan:
Yup.

Pam Allan:
But at some point I had to say, "Well, I don't know how to turn this on just for you and nobody else".

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
How do I do that? So I've been trying to be more conscious of, Hmm, how can I have my phone sitting there so I can see if it's Corey?

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
Or how can I-

Corey Allan:
But even that with notifications is distraction.

Pam Allan:
Right, it's still a distraction. So how do you do that when you're trying to be intentional and not-

Corey Allan:
Totally.

Pam Allan:
And be aware of wanting your spouse to feel wanted, but also trying to set these boundaries for everything else in life.

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
I think that's what I kind of hit the wall with.

Corey Allan:
That's the route we have to, I think as individuals, start to go through our whole value system. Our whole intentionality of, because everything, and this is one of the truisms we've done at Sexy Marriage Radio for years. Everything we do communicates, right?

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And so how do I make sure I'm communicating clearly what I'm saying, that those align, right? What I say is also what I do and there're ways you can find avenues around this because we get emails that come in about my spouse spends all their time on games or on their phone or that iPad or whatever, and so I can't compete. And it's like, right. You can't, so what you do then is you call out what the dynamic is better.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
Of like, I just want you to know every time you disappear into an iPad or your laptop or a book or a TV show or a hobby or the garage or the gym, all the different things that we do with our time, all of that communicates.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
So how am I living in line with what I say? If I say that my marriage matters and I say that my children matter and I say that my work matters, all the different things because we can be multiplicitous and things. I don't even know if that's a word, but you know where I'm going.

Pam Allan:
Okay.

Corey Allan:
That if I say those things, am I living those things too? And this is just got me in this whole thought process of how do I still hurry when maybe it's needless and maybe I need to start asking the question of why.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
Because there is an element of silence that's scary to people. Sometimes it's the external side of the silence that's scary. But a lot of times it's the internal side of the silence that's scary, because you can't escape yourself.

Corey Allan:
That's why the first time I went backpacking I failed miserably because I was by myself and I was scared and it was not because of the wilderness. It was because of me.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
I didn't like me and I didn't like that realization, so I went to a hotel.

Pam Allan:
With the dog.

Corey Allan:
Exactly, and picked up some Taco Bell on the way there. So coming up on today's regular free version. Now that we're finally getting into some more of the show, coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio, we've got one of your questions and an answer and then on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer, and there're no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com. Pam and I are going to a thought exploration on this idea and I'm springing it on her.

Pam Allan:
He's searching for that word there.

Corey Allan:
I was thinking, I thought experiment doesn't fit. This is more of an exploration because I keep hearing a thread in clients and then also some people that are on in the Academy and Mastermind groups and then just listeners of the SMR Nation. I keep hearing this thread of, is it possible that you're making life too easy for your spouse?

Pam Allan:
Okay.

Corey Allan:
And we want to see where that kind of conversation goes.

Pam Allan:
Okay.

Corey Allan:
So all that's coming up on today's show. What are you doing in June, Pam?

Pam Allan:
I'm meeting up with a bunch of our SMR Nation folks.

Corey Allan:
Ah, it's going to be a great time at the SMR getaway, aren't you?

Pam Allan:
Yeah. June 18 through 21, look forward to seeing you guys there. Come join us down here in South Lake, Texas.

Corey Allan:
Yep. Here in the DFW area, registrations going on now, and it's worth noting to all of the people that are listening. If you're on the fence and wondering about should I come or not? The early bird registration price goes up. It goes away, I guess is the best way to say it. April 15th.

Pam Allan:
Right?

Corey Allan:
So if you're wanting to come get your spot now, because we're filling up and this is going to be a fabulous time with some new things that we've never done before at the getaway. One of which is Denis Merkas is coming to do a couples training massage course where you get to get your hands on your spouse and to learn how to massage. It'll be a great experience, so sign up at smrnation.com/getaway to get information and secure your spot. Hope to see you in June.

Corey Allan:
So Pam, this just hit the inbox from a husband that says, "My wife and I have been married for nearly 22 years. We've got five kids and have sex once if not twice a week. Usually once. When we have sex, we start with me warming her up with my hand or oral, depending on the stresses of the day. This could be quick or slower". I mean, that's kind of a common thing. It's kind of a common thread.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, it could take an hour.

Corey Allan:
Among A lot of people, "She will then go to the position with her on top. I then continue to rub her clitoris and that continues until we orgasm. But too much movement causes me to slow my movement, which slows her down. More recently. She's wanted for me to not touch her clearest with my hand and just lay on me more and have the movement bring her to orgasm with me inside. While she lays flat on me, it ramps up the intensity on me and I can barely move without going. Any suggestions for improving this position so we can succeed with me lasting longer and her going quicker"?

Pam Allan:
Huh. That's a really, that's a great-

Corey Allan:
So they have found because this is one of the things we've talked about before and this is just information that constantly needs to get out there to the masses that for most women, the most reliable route for orgasm, the clitoris has to be involved. Penal vaginal intercourse alone will not do it. But you can have some positions where either you get access to the clitoris with digits or a toy, or you position your body where it's more of a grinding rubbing.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And that's what, that's what they're describing here with her on top, because she's in control.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And so what I'm hearing from this is he wants to make it last as long as he can, but when she gets revved, he starts to get revved which makes it go faster and she's not quite done.

Pam Allan:
She's not ready, yeah.

Corey Allan:
Right? And so there's the dilemma because for most men, the erections going to quickly fade.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
Which then means the rubbing is different, if not uncomfortable, because for some men after orgasm it can get pretty sensitive for a little bit. And so then you're best left with, we got to change this up.

Pam Allan:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). So, it sounds like their goal is to climax at the same time.

Corey Allan:
Okay.

Pam Allan:
Am I reading that wrong?

Corey Allan:
That could be, I don't know. That could be something that's being read into that. I don't know.

Pam Allan:
I'm making an assumption here that-

Corey Allan:
And there are universal almost, a lot of people are like, "Oh we should be able to do this at the same time." Like it's a fantasy thing out there.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, I think it is. Maybe I'm wrong sir. And I'm misinterpreting your email, your question, but I guess I would say in there that climaxing together doesn't necessarily happen all the time.

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
Well you're talking about having to reach the point of pretty good control of one or both of you. Of being able to recognize the signal, steer it a little different. And that's where I would start with this is, because this position is a pleasurable position for a lot of people. And so in some regards, the first thing that comes to mind, and I'm sure some of the members of the SMR Nation could be sitting there thinking, well just think about baseball or just think about something else. I don't recommend that because that's disconnecting from the situation and you're feeding off each other.

Pam Allan:
Then it's just about the outcome and not about a connection that the two of you have, yeah.

Corey Allan:
So instead, what if you, this is the weird little arena that it's kind of hard to describe. You just kind of know when you're in it. Because it's not mindfulness and it's not focus. It's kind of in between.

Pam Allan:
Okay.

Corey Allan:
So it's not just concentration, right? Because sometimes, for a lot of people, and this does not apply to everybody, but for a lot of people, I can't just concentrate and make it have more lasting power. Or concentrate and achieve orgasm, right? It's not just that mental clarity, but for some people mindfulness doesn't get it either. Just kind of being more aware, being more engaged, letting go of an attachment to outcome, just enjoying the moment, kind of just follow in that connection in that vibe. So it's kind of an in between.

Pam Allan:
Okay.

Corey Allan:
That I think of, and a lot of times this can become, if she's laying on top of you to do this, are you in a position where you can look each other in the eye?

Pam Allan:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan:
Because she might be head on his shoulder, truly full body hug, grind, going.

Pam Allan:
In order to get the position she wants to be in.

Corey Allan:
Because she might need a tilt her body that far enough forward to get there. But could she raise up a little bit and still achieve it?

Pam Allan:
By having to get eye contact, you're saying-

Corey Allan:
To get not where Cyclops contact.

Pam Allan:
Right, because you're so close, yeah.

Corey Allan:
But to catch each other by the eye. Because there's something magical about that kind of a depth of power that takes it beyond just the erotic and into an essence of beings, which I'll warn people, that when you start to taste this initially, it can make it go really quick, both of you, it can speed it up because then there's this true, "Whoa, what did we just tap into"? Right?

Pam Allan:
It can go quick. Don't you think when you first start making eye contact, it's like it can be a little bit awkward too?

Corey Allan:
Totally.

Pam Allan:
Right. I say before you get that connection the first time it's probably, "Oh, this is a little awkward".

Corey Allan:
Right? If you're not already-

Pam Allan:
Staring at each other.

Corey Allan:
Yeah, if this is a new territory that you're venturing into, it can be awkward, absolutely. But it also is like the third rail, if you will, with the kind of conduit power going through there that we all have. And when those two suckers align, man, sometimes it's like, "We'll all suck at sex". That's a phrase from [Snarse 00:20:54], of you're tapping into something that's electric.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And there's a lot of energy there. And so when you first get it, it can be like this, whoa, and it's over.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
But okay. Does that matter as much? I mean it's not, that's where you kind of touched on at the beginning of this conversation, Pam, of this is, a goal matters, the outcome matters. But it's not the only thing that matters. Right? And so then the other side of this equation, of how can you get her faster, because that's about him trying to slow down. Right? Because there is most men, a lot of men, a really turned on woman will do it for them.

Pam Allan:
Right?

Corey Allan:
It's like, okay, here we go. That's all I needed. But how do you get her faster? Is what you're describing.

Pam Allan:
How do you get her faster? How do you get her warmed up faster?

Corey Allan:
Yes. That's what, thank you for clarifying that, yes. Then you're talking probably a little more about what goes on with the foreplay. Do you change that up? Is there a little different variety? They can come in there, goes a little bit longer maybe, that she kind of gets beyond just okay, I'm ready.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, I guess I would throw in there. It sounds like there is a pretty decent routine.

Corey Allan:
Yep.

Pam Allan:
So potentially changing up and some adding a little bit of spice to it. Come at it from the other side.

Corey Allan:
Yeah. Go left rather than right.

Pam Allan:
Go left rather than right.

Corey Allan:
And that's where I would encourage him.

Pam Allan:
Don't be tentative.

Corey Allan:
I would encourage him, because her brain is going to follow the script, and so if he will change it up.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
A lot of women, the variety is a big spike for them.

Pam Allan:
Yes.

Corey Allan:
It's scary sometimes too, but if you stay within the confines of the guardrails within the variety of what we're doing is not anything out of the normal. It's just I'm coming about it a different way.

Pam Allan:
Yeah, and by variety, again, back to what you're talking about Corey, it's not that you've got to throw in some weird kinky thing, although that might be what you want to do. It's changing the lighting, doing something on the couch rather than on the bed or just bring her some beads, gosh, we just pass Mardi Gras, right? Bring her some beads.

Corey Allan:
Get some of those glow necklaces.

Pam Allan:
Glow necklaces, that's the only thing she's wearing. Something simple like that, that just, it's a different garment or it's a different location.

Corey Allan:
Right, because this is figuring out what's in her wheelhouse, what's her accelerators.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
Because there's the other side of this for a lot of women, and again, we're talking in generalities based on the way he's framed this for them. For a lot of women, that kind of a deep depth of an emotional connection is an accelerator. Of the catching each other within the emotional realm too, through the eyes, the depth of connection. That can be an accelerator too. And then you get into this arena of have the conversation about it and just bring it up and just say, "Look, this is what's going on and this is how it's been. I wonder if there're ways we could come up with how we can make that last longer"?

Pam Allan:
That can be an accelerator too, just know if this isn't something that has been discussed at all.

Corey Allan:
Right.

Pam Allan:
It's kind of exciting to think, "Oh, we can talk about this now," and when you do it can kind of get you jazzed when you're talking about what might be or what we could do.

Corey Allan:
Or she might have a solution.

Pam Allan:
Imagine that.

Corey Allan:
Or he might after a little bit of conversation with her.

Pam Allan:
Imagine that.

Corey Allan:
And that's the beauty and the sophistication of sex and marriage, is a lot of times, if we can just find the courage to speak up about something, elegant solutions arrive.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
And it's just the willingness to take the courage to start that conversation.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Speaker 1:
Hey Pam and Corey. So first of all I just want to say thanks for your show. I really appreciate listening to it regularly and Corey, I've particularly appreciated your talk about boundaries and owning your side of the equation reminds me of Henry Cloud and it's been really helpful in my growth.

Speaker 1:
So I did want to respond to the latest show you asked at the end if there was anything that you might have left out and this was in the extended content about domestic discipline. And I just wanted to mention two things that I thought maybe you could address a little bit more. So I actually thought when you address domestic discipline you kind of addressed it through a sexual lens and about, this is about dominatrix and kind of fetish, but my understanding of domestic discipline is that it's actually an appro-pro approach to how marriages operate.

Speaker 1:
Whereby one spouse is empowered with the ability to discipline the other spouse for their behaviors. So anyway, I think that might be worth coming back to as a whole system of how spouses interact.

Speaker 1:
And then the other thing that I wanted to mention, you were talking about, or in the message, the man talked about this interplay of sort of BDSM or pain in pleasure, and how does that work between spouses where one spouse wants it and the other one doesn't. And you were trying to address that from both sides and the difficulty of the spouse who's delivering it that doesn't want to and the spouse receiving it that may not enjoy it that much. And one thing that I thought hasn't come up too much on your show yet that I was wondering if you could address in terms of your experience with clients is on the idea that a lot of women have absorbed that they're required to endure pain for sex.

Speaker 1:
And I was reading a study a little while ago that was talking about when you ask men about their worst experiences of sex, they're just sort of mediocre and not great. And if you ask women about their worst experience for most of them it will include discomfort and pain. And you mentioned the woman who was in your office where her husband was pretty violent with the sex and she was okay with it, but not okay with it, which to me says she's actually not okay with it. She's just believing she needs to do this for her husband. And what I was hoping is that maybe you would come back to that. And I think it's really important to communicate, especially to women, that sex should not be painful. And if it is, you should stop whatever it is that's causing you pain and go to a doctor.

Speaker 1:
But I was just wondering if you had considered maybe doing an episode on pain and sex for women. So, and part of, this is kind of a backdoor for me. I just found out one of my best friends has had pain in sex for 11 years, pretty much every time. And it's just like she just thought this is what I need to do for my husband. And in talking to a lot of my friends, many of them have endured pain in sex with their husbands just because they're like, whatever, it's fine. This is part of the experience. I feel really strongly that that's not what should happen unless that's what they want, right? If you get pleasure from pain, okay, whatever, that's your thing, that's fine. But if your husband gets pleasure from pain and you don't want it, or you're just having pain, I feel like somebody needs to be saying to women, that's not what sex is supposed to be.

Speaker 1:
And I'm just curious if maybe that would be an episode topic that you'd be willing to address? So thank you so much for listening to our feedback. I really appreciate all the work you do and Pam, I really appreciate your female perspective and bringing that in too, it's really nice to hear from you as well. So love you guys, thanks guys.

Corey Allan:
So thank you so much for calling in because she's got, I love the SMR Nation in that they help round out the conversation and they ask questions that help us steer a different way. Or they will help other people by just asking the questions. So the two things that come up to me in this Pam, one is the whole a female led relationship dynamic in domestic discipline, which I'm tabling that on this episode. And so ma'am, my plan is within the next couple of weeks I'm going to have a guest join me that's more versed, to help have a conversation about that.

Pam Allan:
Perfect.

Corey Allan:
So I'll find another sex therapist that dives into that arena more so than even I do, for sure. And let's get good information that way.

Corey Allan:
But the second question, the second topic she brought up on the idea of pain and sex and how there should be, there seems to be this element of women should endure pain for sex and I think some of that is born into this whole, well the very first time it's going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable. And really? I think it kind of starts that way where there's an implanted thought that, "Oh, this is just part of it".

Pam Allan:
Yeah, a lot of it is poor education, right? I knew I wasn't educated well in that arena and so I just, when we were starting out, I had no idea how to warm up or that I needed to.

Corey Allan:
So she puts it perfectly in that the information needs to get out there, that if a woman is having pain in sex and that is not something she is interested in, let's add that caveat, then you need to stop.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
You need to bring it up. You need to speak up because there's a lot of couples I've worked with where this has been a history, just like her friend that was 11 years of it, and she finally speaks up about it and he is incredibly hurt because he doesn't realize how much hurt he's inflicted.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And so you talk about, there's pain on both sides then you're dealing with.

Pam Allan:
Right.

Corey Allan:
And that's a deeper issue to have to deal with.

Pam Allan:
Mental and physical pain.

Corey Allan:
Right. And so you do need to speak up, you need to seek help. We've done some shows in the archives. If you look for vaginismus, painful sex, there's some of that information we've done on a medical side. But I don't know if that's necessarily what she's even talking about because there're some times where it's just, it's an anxiety thing, and I'm just uncomfortable in it because there's not enough warm up. There's not enough lubrication, there's a lot of different things. It could be quick fixes.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
But you got to speak up about it first to let it be known.

Pam Allan:
Right. And potentially she's right. Potentially you need to go see a doctor and get this figured out.

Corey Allan:
Maybe so. But I love the way she says it because a woman can deliver that message much more than I can. If you're a woman and you're experiencing pain during sex, stop, and speak up, and then deal with whatever's next to find the solution because you need an ally in.

Pam Allan:
That's right.

Corey Allan:
And if your husband's not an ally in that, you need to know that.

Pam Allan:
Right, there's bigger fish to fry if he's not your ally in that piece.

Corey Allan:
Exactly. So there's a component of just you got to take the charge for your own life in that arena and realize sex is a pleasurable thing that the discomfort, if you feel it, even the discomforts of it, speak up, and figure out, okay, whoa, whoa, hold on. Maybe it's just reach for the lube because we've got to realize as you age, for sure, lubrication changes, times of the month, lubrication changes for people.

Corey Allan:
And so find the solutions that are available to make it easy and then see what you're really dealing with. And so well done on calling in. It's been a little bit since we've done an extended show where we went on a topic for a while.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
We've had a lot of times where we've been doing the questions with people.

Pam Allan:
Kind of fun, I like it.

Corey Allan:
And this was fun to kind of go into that venture world of, let's see where this goes, with the conversation. So if you missed it a jump to SMRnation.com and join the Academy. You can catch the extended content and you can catch the Academy on the monthly calls. Be a part of great conversations that take place. We'd love to have you, we'd love to have your voice.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
Well this has been Sexy Marriage Radio, once again, the SMR Nation taking their time each and every week to spend it with us. We thank you so much because you help make this show what it is and how it's become and evolved over the years. Cannot thank you enough.

Pam Allan:
Yeah.

Corey Allan:
So if we left something undone, let us know. Wherever you are, whatever you've been doing, thanks for taking some time out of your day to spend it with us. See you next time.

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