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hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

Too Quick Too Slow #533

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On the Regular version of today’s show …

A husband takes too long to orgasm during oral sex, and too quick during PV sex.

A wife wants help understanding how to help her husband address the length of time it takes him to climax.

A woman has been dating a Christian man for 9 years, who simply won’t commit to marriage.

On the Xtended version …

What do you do when one spouse wants to avail themselves to medical resources and vaccines and the other spouse is completely opposed?

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Speaker 1: You are listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio. smrnation.com.

Speaker 2: You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: You're listening again this week or this moment in time, Sexy Marriage Radio, where once again, we're going where you want to go as members of the SMR Nation, because it's fun to think about it. We're coming up on 10 years in a couple of months, officially. Three years officially with you as the cohost, being my wife and all. Because if you're new to Sexy Marriage Radio, there's a whole iteration of 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, if you will. But all of this, all the way through the thread has always been what's going on in the nation because they help set the tone. They help ask the questions, they help steer the ship of where we go, because what we want to try to do is speak to what ails and struggles and befuddles other people in their marriage and in their sex lives.

Pam Allan: Yeah, what trips you up and what creates conflict and let's figure out how to make that better.

Corey Allan: Because you know one of the truisms is if you're struggling with something you are not alone in that struggle.

Pam Allan: There's nothing new under the sun here.

Corey Allan: So let us know what's going on in your world and what we can answer for you. 214-702-9565 is our voicemail line. Feedback at sexymarriageradio.com is our email inbox. And then there's also the my.smrnation.com where there's conversations and discussions going on based on the show, based on just other things happening plus that's where you find the academy, the mastermind groups and courses that are coming in due time, as we begin to head into the last half of 2021.
So we're so glad that you're here. So coming up on today's regular free version of Sexy Marriage Radio with several of your questions. We've got several we're going to try to get through. We'll see if we can.

Pam Allan: All right. It's not a rapid fire but-

Corey Allan: It's not a rapid fire, but we've got some I think we can be a little more succinct with.

Pam Allan: All right.

Corey Allan: And I'm saying that to myself.

Pam Allan: I'll hold you to it.

Corey Allan: Thank you. And then on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio today, which is deeper, longer, and there are no ads. You can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy. An email that came in from a wife who sees life differently than her husband when it comes to medical science, doctors, medicine, vaccines, everything. So what do you do when you're a predicament of, I believe one way and my spouse believes completely different, but yet there's a bigger deal going on too?

Pam Allan: It usually is the bigger deal.

Corey Allan: So all that's coming up on today's show. So this is an email from a husband that says, hello, Dr. And Mrs. Allan. I have a question about how long I last. If I'm receiving oral sex, I can last quite a long time. It feels great. And I love it, but I always feel a little guilty for how long it takes to get done to completion. On the other hand with penal vaginal sex, a majority of the time it's super quick, even with no stimulation prior to insertion. It's always been important to me that my wife receives equal pleasure, so we keep going until she's finished or I help her finish with manual stimulation. However, I would like to last longer. I don't understand why there's such a difference in how long I last. We have sex of some kind at least once a week. We both want it more, but we have a three-year-old and an almost one year old that both refuse to sleep in their own bed.
So that creates some issues for sure. Could it be that penal vaginal sex is usually anticipated, thought about and talked about for at least a couple of days, whereas oral sex is many times a little more spur of the moment? Is there a possibility that I'm receiving mental stimulation that has me ready to go therefore I finished too fast? Thanks for your show. And on a side note, I think your wife is the best cohort to date and no offense to others, but I think the show has been the best in this version.

Pam Allan: Hmm. Well, thank you.

Corey Allan: This is an interesting thing that is worth exploring just briefly because every person, whether it's male or female has different meanings associated with the different aspects and versions of how we actually create and do sexual acts. For some, the receiving of pleasure orally or manually is the coup de Gras. It's the best thing there is. For some it's penal vaginal. For some it's novelty or erotic or constantly adding more spice or whatever. And so I think he's onto it in the sense that, where he's talking about the meanings attached are playing out. Because one makes it meaningful and is more anticipated and more intimate or more engaging or something.

Pam Allan: I'm thrown off a little bit here with you. It sounds like you're equating meaning to anticipation. And I think those are two different things.

Corey Allan: How so?

Pam Allan: Well, anticipating something, I'm just getting excited about it, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's more meaningful than the other because the meaning I have...

Corey Allan: Because those two words have different meanings.

Pam Allan: Thank you.

Corey Allan: Okay. And I think I'm doing that based on he knows the penal vaginal sex is coming because it's a buildup towards it.

Pam Allan: That's what it sounds like. Yeah.

Corey Allan: Versus it sounds like the oral stimulation component might just be the, hey, let me do you, or let me do this for you or something...

Pam Allan: It sounds like that's how it works in their house. That oral is more spontaneous and maybe they prep or they talk about, Hey, I'll see you tonight at eight o'clock in the bedroom.

Corey Allan: Sure. So there's two things that come to my mind in this, but I'm curious. Do you have anything that jumps out to you?

Pam Allan: Well, I do have one thing that immediately jumps out to me is he wants to last longer during penal vaginal. Is she wanting more? Is he wanting to last longer because she's feeling like she's getting shorted or is that just his perception?

Corey Allan: Because he has a different meaning attached to how long he lasts in penal vaginal, so therefore I want to increase that link so that way I feel X.

Pam Allan: Right. So I'm curious if it's him reading some meaning into this with his wife. Because okay, it takes a while when it's oral and jeez her jaw might be hurting. Right. So, ah, come on baby. I'll give it to you on the other side, but I'm just curious on that one. Is it just his perception of what she thinks she wants or needs?

Corey Allan: So is this a couple problem or just a him problem? As far as the dilemma and the dynamic he's trying to crosstalk.

Pam Allan: That's my question.

Corey Allan: That's fair. But we don't know that because obviously she didn't email in too. But it is worth asking, sir, if you haven't had this conversation with her, have it.

Pam Allan: Or ask yourself, what's your goal behind lasting longer? Is she wanting it or are you just feeling like you're shorting her and she hasn't even spoken up to say that she feels like she's being shorted?

Corey Allan: No, I think that's a great couple conversation to have and some self awareness and confronting to have of what's really the motivation behind this? Because the two things that come to my mind is one, for many couples, for many individuals, penal vaginal intercourse, when you're in a face-to-face position is much more intimate. Therefore it heightens things and can intensify things, therefore decrease the length of time it takes you to achieve an orgasm.

Pam Allan: That makes sense.

Corey Allan: Because you're face-to-face with her or you're viewing her. And there's something about the whole, as it's designed with a penis entering a vagina and it fitting and it being just kind of a, wow, there's something deeper and profound here that's going on that that increases for a lot of people the experience, the anticipation, all of the different endorphin things that can happen in our brain and the triggers that can go off that just magnify it all.
And so if you do want to last longer, well then some of the things to do is to try switching up positions with penal vaginal, have her be on top, see if it takes any difference, changes things, because that's a different component completely, rather than you're in control. She's in control. And see if that does anything. Also have penal vaginal insertion, but don't move. Don't just thrust. Rest and breathe into it and see what the sensations are for each of you.

Pam Allan: Yeah. Enjoy that moment.

Corey Allan: And kiss and make out still while inserted. There's a lot of things you can do to kind of play in that area and see what's going on with you. The other thing that comes to my mind is a lot of times when you're talking about being the receiver of oral stimulation and even manual stimulation, some of us have a real struggle receiving.

Pam Allan: Sure. Yeah.

Corey Allan: And so you get caught into your own head of rather than just enjoying it, now at some point you hit that threshold of like, oh, this has taking too long. I wonder if she's tired. I wonder if he's tired. This happens on both sides. We've had emails over the years of this. I don't like how long it takes and I think my husband has to work too hard or she or my wife has a sore jaw or whatever, rather than no, if they're enjoying it, how do you just relax and receive because human beings have struggle receiving just in general.

Pam Allan: Yeah. In any aspect, it doesn't matter if you're talking sexual or financial or whatever.

Corey Allan: And if you're listening to this as the SMR Nation member, and you're wondering, oh no, I don't have any trouble receiving things. Okay, let me ask you a question then. When someone brings you a gift, do you feel a little bit guilty if it's unwarranted or it's they thank you for something and you're dismissive of it. Oh, it was no big deal. Happy to do it. That's trouble receiving.

Pam Allan: Or they compliment your outfit. Oh, this old thing?

Corey Allan: Right. You're constantly just not allowing the power of what is blessed and given and just receiving that. That's something I think every one of us as human struggles with. And so he's on the right path of there's a different anticipation that goes on. So therefore it likely already heightens things before it even gets started. So then you're talking about how do I soothe? How do I engage? How do I connect? Have less attachment to an outcome and see. But then this goes back to what you mentioned, Pam, if she doesn't see it as a problem, and this is just something you're interested in, well then maybe it's not as big a problem. Doesn't mean it's not worth exploring for him.

Pam Allan: Not for the two of them combined, but for him it is.

Corey Allan: But there is an element of, okay, what meaning do I have attached to man, how long can I last? Versus look at this, I stick with it with my wife. If I go too fast or faster than I want to I'm here for her still. That's a good lover.

Pam Allan: Absolutely.

Corey Allan: So here's an email says, Hey, Dr. Corey, I saw you that you were answering questions on Christians who curse sometimes. And I wanted to see if I could reach out and get direct help from you this way, please. We are a younger couple. We've been married a little over a year now. And my husband has only finished like three times and never during sex. He always has to do it himself. He says it's always taken him a long time to ejaculate on his own, but during sex, he can't seem to do it at all. We either get too tired because he lasts so long or he gets some sort of performance anxiety and goes soft. It starting to really bum us out because we really want to start a family soon, but that obviously can't happen if we can't figure this out. Any suggestions?
So this dovetails a little bit on what we just answered with-

Pam Allan: How so?

Corey Allan: ... This is the meanings attached to things. Because if he's talking about when he does self-stimulation and it still takes him a long time. I'm curious if that's always been the case, even in adolescence, in the beginning masturbatory experiences, or if it's something that's come along later, because a lot of times when adolescents venture into this world, if they have some guilt associated with it that really does heighten the experience and it manifests itself in either premature or delayed because there's guilt involved. Because I feel bad about doing this, but it feels so good. And then I get caught up in, I'm not actually just focusing on the sensations and the aspects of what's going on in me and the exploration of it. And inaudible This is what happens in couples too, is we don't just focus on what's going on with me.
There's the whole Masters and Johnson sensate focus exercises you can do that are just about getting in touch with your senses of what's happening in a sexual experience, whether it's alone or with a partner. And so if he takes too long with penal vaginal intercourse, that typically is because no vagina is as strong as a hand. And so there's some reprogramming that needs to be done. There's a different feel to a hand and self service then there is a sexual experience where a vagina's involved or someone else's involved.
And so a lot of times what I have found is one, how do you guys face the dilemma of, okay, while we all usually have in our mind the way we will procreate is through penal vaginal intercourse only, how do you have the courage to start to examine how important is that? Versus if we want a family, we'll do what it takes. And we have to re-examine other ways, because you can do in vitro, you can do... I just lost the name for it, but it's where it's not actually done in a test tube, but it's inserted into your vaginal canal-

Pam Allan: Artificial insemination.

Corey Allan: ... artificially, but it's his.

Pam Allan: Yeah, but who wants to do that? That's all very expensive. So I get where she's coming from. You want to be able to figure it out.

Corey Allan: But how often do we get so caught up in, this is what I'm supposed to do, but now I've just added a whole lot more pressure to an experience that's self-defeating? We went through this after the end of having kids or when kids were here, when it came to breastfeeding and nursing and there was this whole, how much is this... The fight over... No, no, no. We have to do it this way versus wait, we have other options that could soften some of the scenarios.

Pam Allan: Oh, truly, truly. I was kind of a basket case there for a while thinking I had to breastfeed, I had to be the provider for my child and nothing was happening. And so it was like the relief that came when I realized there are other options. Yes.

Corey Allan: But that comes with re-examining the meanings I've attached to it. Does that mean you're not a good mother, if you choose another way? No. Does that mean we're not good lovers and parents, if we have to go other ways? No. Some of the most courageous people I've worked with are the ones that have reached all these different hurdles and they've had the courage to keep examining, well, what are our other options? Because what we really want is this goal. And so sometimes just this idea of, okay, wait, we want to start a family. That can be a pressure cooker in and of itself for some husbands, for some wives.

Pam Allan: Absolutely it is.

Corey Allan: So it's just that re-examining, okay, how do we ease into this without an attachment? So when you can have the times where you're having sex it's not that time of the month to actually try to procreate. How do you just explore and enjoy without the goal of ejaculation? If it comes, fantastic, that's icing on the cake, but rewire with the experiences. Dr. Glover in the last chapter of his No More Mr. Nice guy book actually encourages healthy masturbation for men because a lot of us, I'm included in this, my introduction to it was secretive and quick. And so therefore when it actually plays out in sex, it can not play out well when you were involved. There's this element of, okay, so it just becomes you don't masturbate towards completion. You masturbate towards sensation.

Pam Allan: Well, that's the interesting part though here, because it sounds like this is kind of the opposite. That's secretive and quick. In this email, he's saying it's always taken a long time.

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: Always.

Corey Allan: And that's where I'm wondering what else is attached to the experience? Because something else is probably going on that makes it to where, okay, these are just some scenarios to start to explore. And then email us again, please, because this is a dialogue. This is not a one-time do it you're solved.

Pam Allan: Well, you talk about reprogramming though, because if it is one of those scenarios where the hand is stronger than a vagina and you've got to reprogram it. I think you've had episodes in the past discussing that reprogramming. Some resources to look at some steps to go through.

Corey Allan: A lot of it is just this idea of how do I enter into the arena without an attachment? And focus on the sensations. That's the reprogram. How do I focus on touch? Non-sexual and sexual touch with my wife and follow those connections. That's the reprogramming. Because oftentimes I can touch the small of your back when we're just out in public and that could be the in and of itself or you or I could both be, oh man, I hope... And I've already attached it to something later.

Pam Allan: Gotcha.

Corey Allan: That's all wiring. And those are all grooves. They get in there. And so a lot of times, how do we settle down a little more to realize I can take this where I want to take it, but it's not a preconceived this is where it has to go.

Pam Allan: How much of that do you find feeds off the other spouse? So if you've got... In this scenario-

Corey Allan: That plays a part.

Pam Allan: In this scenario, I'm sorry, emailer if I'm going way off the deep end on this, but hypothetically here, because there's probably someone out there similar to this. He's reading she wants to have a baby, she wants to have baby, she wants to have a baby. And if they're both trying to work through this, spend time just figuring out touch and work through this together. If he continues to have in his head, though, all she wants is a baby. All she wants is baby. All she wants to baby. And he's scared to death. That plays into it. So this isn't just the one person thing we're saying, this is a team effort here.

Corey Allan: It's probably going to be both actually. This is that idea of most of the time the reprogramming of my sensations can start solo, but it does also need to incorporate into the couple because there is this element of there's a distraction, there's an enhancement, there's a connection, there's a whole lot more of this provided with another person. And so this is how do you venture into this arena a little more together, so you learn how do you feed off each other in good ways? How do you feed off each other in bad ways? And let us know how it goes. One more email. We can get this one in. This is the dating question. Okay. I love this because we don't usually venture into the dating world too often.
I've dated my boyfriend for nine years. He knows the Bible word for word. I've never met anyone who knows the Bible like he does, we attend church weekly, he's secretary at our church. How long should I continue to date him? If he's a good Christian man, why doesn't he commit? I've tried asking him, but he ignores my questions about regarding commitment. I'm lost. We get along great and very rare that we have a disagreement or argument. I just don't know how much longer I can date him. And I'm also scared to leave since I've invested so much into our relationship. By the way, he's 52 and I'm 42. We don't have kids and he has never been married. So you hung around somebody for a long time. You've talked about, hey, let's make this permanent. And they ignore it. They don't reply. They don't respond.
That's pretty clear communication.

Pam Allan: That's pretty clear. He's 52. He's never been married and he's got you staying by his side for nine years. He he's feels like I've got whatever I need.

Corey Allan: So he's basically putting the ball in her court to make the call on I'll stay around and be disregarded for what you want or not.

Pam Allan: It's time to fish or cut bait, I'm thinking.

Corey Allan: It's pretty close to it if it's not already there, absolutely, because this is one of those... And we hear this a lot. I hear this a lot, especially now that we're venturing more into Instagram at Sexy Marriage Radio on Instagram where the crowd is a lot more of the younger or dating scene. And there's a lot of this, but I've invested so much. Yes you have. I'm not diminishing that at all. But to what end?

Pam Allan: In another nine years, are you going to say I've invested 18 years and it still hadn't happened. If you're perfectly happy dating, then so be it. But it doesn't sound like you are. And it doesn't sound like he's going to commit. He's 52. He's not going to change.

Corey Allan: The same way... Well, I'm going to be careful with that. He could.

Pam Allan: He could change.

Corey Allan: But there's not critical mass enough to make him have to examine what does he actually risk losing-

Pam Allan: Good point.

Corey Allan: ... If he doesn't make the change.

Pam Allan: I should have said that because we've seen all kinds of people change, but...

Corey Allan: Some. Some don't. But it's the same kind of concept of he's communicating very clearly. If he's dismissing the argument or the discussion or the topic, and he's not willing to describe it or engage you with it, he's communicating very clearly. So are you, if you keep bringing it up and don't make any moves, according to what it is you want either. And so which one can communicate cleaner is what matters. And this is what brings about a bigger risk, because one of the things that matters in this whole dilemma and dynamic is you're with somebody that's methodical and alone in a lot of ways in his life. That's some of the things that maybe won't change.
I can't forecast it completely, but I don't know. Our church just recently did a series on marriage. And the senior pastor quoted his wife that if you go to the store and you pick out red socks, when you get home and you open your drawer, don't be upset if they're not blue.

Pam Allan: You know what you buy.

Corey Allan: You buy what you buy. You know what you're getting into. We don't change that much. Does this mean if you actually make the call of look, I want marriage, I want to be in a relationship, I want to be that involved with somebody. You obviously don't. So I'm willing to move on. And he all of a sudden, wait, hold on. And he starts reexamining and he comes around. Does that mean it's going to be awful? No. Who knows? But to get off of this precipice, if you will, one of you has got to make the move and he's already made his fairly clean.
How do you respond to it? Ball's in your court for that. So as we've been doing lately, here's the email we're going to base the extended content off of. And then we'll dive into the extended content. So what advice do you have for couples who have different opinions about medical things? As in vaccines, doctor visits, medicines, et cetera.
I grew up going to the doctors taking medicine when needed. My dad always encouraged us to go for checkups and to go, if we felt we had a problem, my husband did not. His family says doctors are untrustworthy and they avoid medicine and even ibuprofen like the plague, ironically. I know there's trauma there, so I give him grace for that. I've considered getting a COVID vaccine because I'm going to be teaching this semester. And when I brought it up, he got very aggressive and gave me all the reasons why I shouldn't get vaccinated. And he wants me to wait until another vaccine comes out. How can I honor him while also doing what I think is best for me and my health.
So we don't normally deal with things that have a real political vent to it, but we will a little bit today because we're going to talk about vaccines. Join us in the extended. It's not too often where, when we're having a conversation in the extended content, Pam, that we get into subject matter that I feel myself heating up because of the tension in it. And this one was one of those.

Pam Allan: Tension between...

Corey Allan: Not between us, just the topic, because there's some of these elements... When you're talking about stuff that's going on in the world today, especially in regards to the pandemic, it's a loaded issue.

Pam Allan: It is. There's probably 90% of the people listening are going to have a pretty hard stance on which way they go crosstalk

Corey Allan: Last week's episode, the extended content, was the same on the idea of consent and trying to thread a needle that it's a loaded issue.

Pam Allan: It is.

Corey Allan: And so it's on those episodes like today that when we're done with the extended content, I'm like, oh, I can cool off now. And I hope that as Sexy Marriage Radio listeners jump into the conversation from this, either at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com, my.smrnation.com, or call us 214-702-9565, give us your thoughts on where do you land? Let's have a discussion about this because we all are better even when we get pushback. If I can ask myself some pointed questions, we're all better. And so when I'm looking at all the different stuff we cover from every episode that we typically do, tell us what we left out. Let us know where it doesn't land. Where did we miss something? We want to know. We want to say thank you for listening because each and every week, when you show up, you make this thing go. So see you next time.