Top iTunes Marriage Podcast

8.5+ Million Downloads

hosted by Dr. Corey Allan

When Was The Last Time… #492

On the Regular version of today’s show …

We go through a marriage quiz to see how well we are handling the romantic side of our marriage.

An email from a wife who is growing in self-confidence, yet it’s really disrupting her husband and their marriage. 

On the Xtended version …

There are 7 losing strategies we often use when we don’t get our way. How many of these do you use?

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

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The State Of Our Union: Weekly conversation prompts to have meaningful conversations. https://smrnation.com/union

Got a question?

CALL US 214-702-9565
or email us at feedback@sexymarriageradio.com

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Get help for your relationship and sex life from the comfort of your own home. This is an opportunity for YOU to fully experience the fact that “The BEST SEX can happen IN the Marriage Bed!” ...

Speaker 1: You were listening to the regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, SMRnation.com. You've turned on Sexy Marriage Radio, where the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Here's your host, Dr. Corey Allan.

Corey Allan: Welcome back to another episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, where alongside my wife Pam, we're having straightforward, honest conversations about married life and love and sex. And we want to be the ones that if you got a question and you don't know who to ask it, we'll answer.

Pam Allan: We're here, we're here, bring it.

Corey Allan: (214) 702-9565 or feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. And we also asked the SMR nation if you like what we've got going on into this holiday season that we're fast approaching, help spread the word so that you can bring holiday cheer to other couples.

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: Jump on iTunes, Google Play, Spotify, however you listen and rate and review, leave a comment, tell some friends about it. When you go visit family over the holidays, subscribe them, grab their phones, subscribe to Sexy Marriage Radio for them, they'll thank you later.

Pam Allan: They will.

Corey Allan: So Pam, I came across this quote, so I'm using this season right now, as we're heading into the end of this year, getting ready for 2021, just looking ahead at the getaway and some content changes and just moving into the world of desire, right?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: And I came across a quote that said, "If we can't be alone, we will always be lonely."

Pam Allan: Okay. That's deep.

Corey Allan: Yes it is. Right off the bat, we're starting off deep.

Pam Allan: If we can't be alone, we will always be lonely. So if can't be alone you're not satisfied with yourself?

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: So nothing else is going to satisfy if you can't be comfortable with yourself?

Corey Allan: I think there's an element of truth in this, in that how comfortable am I with my own company, right?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: Because a lot of times we try to distract ourselves, add things to it, to ultimately avoid ourselves or the things that we don't really like about ourselves, or have to deal with or confront or something. I mean, this is the thing that I experienced when we've gone backpacking especially when I first got into it. The deeper and deeper you get into the woods, by yourself, the scarier and scarier it can become and it's not because of what else could be out there in the forest, it's because you can't escape yourself. And so, I love that idea that one of our goals is how do I work to just be better as myself and with myself to really enjoy my own company, so that way, when I do reach out for the distractions or the connections with someone else, at least it's coming from a little bit better part of me.

Pam Allan: Yep.

Corey Allan: It's a more conscious choice, not a distraction.

Pam Allan: Good point.

Corey Allan: So coming up on today's regular version of Sexy Marriage Radio, we've got one of the questions that's come in via email that's been there for just a little bit, we're going to cover. And we've done this a couple of different times where I've gone and tried to find some surveys or quizzes. And I quizzed my wife on her sex education knowledge and she has sex experts and all the different things that pop psychology puts out there.

Pam Allan: Or millennia spending or whatever.

Corey Allan: Well last week was do we spend money like a millennial? So we're going to keep the trend going, but this time, you and I both are going to answer these questions. And it's really to help frame a dialogue for the listeners in SMR nation, right?

Pam Allan: All right.

Corey Allan: Because it's really trying to point towards what are some of the things that you may be doing that you need to be doing towards your relationship, but maybe you're not.

Pam Allan: Is it one of those hit or miss where if you don't answer the same it's a big X, a Family Feud thing going.

Corey Allan: No, this is for self evaluation is what this is all going to be and so, we'll see where it goes as this unfolds.

Pam Allan: Sounds good.

Corey Allan: And then coming up on the extended version of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is deeper, longer and there are no ads, you can subscribe at smrnation.com/smracademy is a conversation that I want to have with my wife about some content I found from a colleague of mine, Jennifer [inaudible 00:04:22], she's been on the show a couple of times. And she has come up with the seven losing strategies that we will do whenever we're running up against things, when we don't get our way. So this'll be a fun conversation. All that's coming up on today's show. From time to time, you and I will go through some of these different quizzes, right? Where I'll find them and it's really just to see where people are in regards to what's their knowledge about this aspect of marriage that they're trying to really enhance by listening to Sexy Marriage Radio.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Okay. So this one that I came across, the title of it is called When Was the Last Time?

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: But it's not going to be sexual in nature more than it is romantic and trending towards that aspect of our relationship more.

Pam Allan: That might even be more dangerous for me to share on the air, but okay, here we go I'm ready for it.

Corey Allan: But is this for you and I both, okay? So we've got four different answers with every question and they're all the same answers that you can give to choose from, right?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative), mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: So you've got most days ...

Pam Allan: Most days, okay.

Corey Allan: ... every once in a while, hardly ever, and then I can't remember the last time. So it's basically just a continuum of how often is this happening, okay? So the first question goes, when was the last time you said good morning or good night to your spouse?

Pam Allan: Oh, most days.

Corey Allan: Yes, that's what I would say to, most days, because that's a pretty common occurrence. I guess for us, there could be times where we go to bed and there's not actually a formal good night, but it's just we're heading there at the same time anyway, so it's ...

Pam Allan: Yeah, it's close to every night.

Corey Allan: ... an unspoken one.

Pam Allan: Almost every night, unless I'm out with my sister, right?

Corey Allan: Or asleep on the couch.

Pam Allan: Well, true, that happens.

Corey Allan: Sometimes ...

Pam Allan: Fall asleep during a game or something.

Corey Allan: ... that happens, absolutely. Okay so, when was the last time you kissed your spouse without wanting it to lead to sex?

Pam Allan: Without wanting it to lead to sex?

Corey Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative). And this one's going to be meddling I think for a lot of people, because if you think about it, there is a lot of times where, I mean, kissing is tied to an agenda with higher desires, I'll own that.

Pam Allan: Yeah, well I guess for me, most days we typically kiss when I leave for work.

Corey Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative), it's the hello, goodbye kisses, that stuff.

Pam Allan: I'm not trying to make that turn into sex when I'm walking out the door.

Corey Allan: And there has been times ...

Pam Allan: Sorry honey. Sorry, I know that disappoints you

Corey Allan: I know your map. There has been times where I have been more on my game I think where I would initiate some more intentional kisses, we've done a show on the 7 to 10 second kiss and the importance of that, where it's not tied to leading towards something and it's not about trying to get gropes and warm things up it's just for the depth of the connection. And I haven't done that in a while, I know that.

Pam Allan: So I guess on this one, I would say for me, it's most days and for you, you'd probably have a different answer.

Corey Allan: Yeah, it is. It's going to be probably more every once in a while because I'm going to take the greeting kisses out of the equation. I'm going to take it as more of a relational kiss, not just a greeting because that's how I'm going to rate myself ...

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: ... and trying to move it into a deeper and that's every once in a while.

Pam Allan: All right, I already answered so I'm not changing my answer.

Corey Allan: Okay. So when was the last time you said, "I appreciate you?"

Pam Allan: Oh, well I want to say that's every once in a while because it was three days ago, I think.

Corey Allan: Yeah, that's fair. I want to add a different category in between most days and every once in a while. But I think that that's a trend you and I have had for a while of trying to be very gracious and express gratitude ...

Pam Allan: Little things.

Corey Allan: ... about the little things.

Pam Allan: The little things.

Corey Allan: And that's the, I appreciate you's and I thank you's.

Pam Allan: Everything you're doing with the kids right now.

Corey Allan: And I think that fits under that umbrella of just some of those little things up to the bigger things of, "Hey, I just want you to know I really do appreciate you and I really do love that you're a part of this journey with me." And those are some of the phrases you and I will say ...

Pam Allan: Yeah, it's a regular occurrence.

Corey Allan: ... quite a bit, yep. So when was the last time you asked them if they were happy in your relationship?

Pam Allan: That would be ...

Corey Allan: This one's an easy one to me.

Pam Allan: It is. It's once a week.

Corey Allan: Right, because of the state of our union.

Pam Allan: We do the state of the union thing together and so, I guess you could say that's every once in a while or ...

Corey Allan: Yeah, it's not most days for me because ...

Pam Allan: It's not most days, no, uh-uh (negative).

Corey Allan: ... it's not a weather balloon that's sent up a lot of, "Hey, are you happy with this and where are you?" But it is a regular occurrence for us, especially since we've been following the save the union's format.

Pam Allan: It's not that exact wording, but that's where it is when ...

Corey Allan: Correct.

Pam Allan: ... you're going through those things.

Corey Allan: Okay. So when was the last time you thought about what you could do to make your spouse's day better?

Pam Allan: Oh. I'm embarrassed to say that one is hardly ever.

Corey Allan: Really?

Pam Allan: That's how I feel.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: Yeah, no, well, okay, let's back up.

Corey Allan: That might be a little hard on yourself.

Pam Allan: Actually acting on something, thinking about it quite often.

Corey Allan: Okay, I appreciate the honesty.

Pam Allan: Yes. Thinking about it quite often, there's this realization of man, Corey's really good at this and he's really good at that and making me feel loved, appreciated, doing nice things. And I think about it and intention sucks if you don't have follow through.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: And I think that's a weakness.

Corey Allan: I would put this for me in the it's probably not most days, but it's close, I think, because it's the little things. That's a little more who I am. I don't think that's a trait that's anything way up the hierarchy, I think that's just the wiring.

Pam Allan: Well, yeah, your family is good at that kind of thing.

Corey Allan: Yeah, so I think there's a difference.

Pam Allan: And maybe I'm shortchanging myself because ...

Corey Allan: You are.

Pam Allan: ... I mean, I'm thinking through a few things that, yeah, okay, I do that because I want him to be able to sleep ...

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: ... Because he didn't sleep the night before or X, Y, Z.

Corey Allan: So that's the I should take the puppy is what you're describing there.

Pam Allan: Exactly.

Corey Allan: Because she is a handful sometimes at night, yep. Okay so, when was the last time you tried to make your spouse smile? For me this one's going to be most days because this is just trying to bring the fun and trying to laugh about stuff with us and each other.

Pam Allan: Oh yeah, you're really good at that. I would say that maybe I try that most days. Am I good at it? I don't know if I'm good at it or not ...

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: ... and whether it really works for having you smile.

Corey Allan: Well, I think one of the markers for this whole thing Pam is not necessarily attached to outcome, is it successful? It's also, is it there?

Pam Allan: Yeah, well I say that's most days.

Corey Allan: All right so, continuing on.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: When was the last time you just looked into your spouse's eyes?

Pam Allan: Right now.

Corey Allan: It helps when we're recording a show, looking at each other, absolutely.

Pam Allan: That one, I would say again is every once in a while.

Corey Allan: Okay.

Pam Allan: I think, for instance, back to that state of the union, when we're talking, it's really good eye connection. And I guess I don't have to name all the times here on the air, but I'd say it's a regular occurrence.

Corey Allan: I would put it under most days for us because I think we try to make a point of greeting each other, having some touch points of just what's going on? How's the day? And sometimes the download of the data from the day is while doing other things in the kitchen or putting stuff away or transitioning to the next thing. But there's a lot of times where we sit in the living room and we talk.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And we try to at least have a moment to connect and I think that's incredibly important. And that's the one thing I would add from this little survey is if this is not a regular occurrence in your life, as part of the marriage in the SMR nation world, just try to up the eye contact in your relationship throughout a week and see what it does, because it's incredibly beneficial that it's like tapping into some power source and it's not necessarily a staring contest and it's not glaring at each other, it's catch each other's eyes and then move on. But it's just take those moments to actually soak that in and it'll change the dynamic between you. So when was the last time you reassured them?

Pam Allan: Silence on this one.

Corey Allan: Yeah, this one's a little harder. I mean, this one's going to be every once in a while.

Pam Allan: Yeah, it's every once in a while.

Corey Allan: Because it's all circumstantial more than anything of what's going on?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? Because I can think it would have been most days when all the stuff was going on with my father ...

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: ... from you, that you were a great reassurance on how is this, what about that? Just helping.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And so, a lot of it, I think really matters based on what's going on around us ...

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: ... on when that's going to be but I would put that still squarely in that every once in a while, yeah?

Pam Allan: Yeah, that's where I put it.

Corey Allan: So when was the last time you did what they want without expecting anything in return?

Pam Allan: I think that's most days for me. I'm not big on the tit for tat thing.

Corey Allan: That's true, you're not.

Pam Allan: Folks, that could go in a really bad way. That could mean I do all kinds of things for you and I get nothing in return.

Corey Allan: We're not talking about that though.

Pam Allan: I'm not exactly sure what you're meaning with that response right there.

Corey Allan: I'm just going to leave that dangling out there because it's fun to leave that out there in the ether, but I would put it as most days too because I think that's part of the whole concept of just trying to give and help each other with all the different roles that we all play in life and with each other to make this thing happen. When was the last time you took them on a date? This one's painfully sad right now for me. We steal time together, but we've not done the dates in a long time.

Pam Allan: No, we were supposed to do a date last week and one of us didn't feel well, so it was like, okay, we're just going to lay on the couch and watch baseball or football or whatever was on. So the whole COVID thing, we just don't go out much right now.

Corey Allan: No, we really haven't.

Pam Allan: And lack of creativity on our part. So right now it's every once in a while or hardly ever.

Corey Allan: Right now, this season I would put it as a hardly ever, which is a sad statement.

Pam Allan: Okay. That's a realization though to get creative and make something happen.

Corey Allan: Yes it is, and I mean by that, in the sense of actually taking you out and going to go do something just the two of us.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: We have done a lot of stealing time with each other here with kids doing other things, we sit and play a game or get in the hot tub or we do the show. I mean, sometimes it's just us at the house where we're doing that too.

Pam Allan: That's fun.

Corey Allan: Absolutely, but I don't think that fits under date.

Pam Allan: I would agree with you.

Corey Allan: All right. So I will do better with that one. So when was the last time you held their hand?

Pam Allan: It's every once in a while.

Corey Allan: Okay. That's what I would say too.

Pam Allan: It's not daily.

Corey Allan: Yeah. Our paths don't cross enough I think for it to be daily to where we have extended time together like that, because I can think of that when we're driving places, sometimes the hands get held in that regard.

Pam Allan: Yeah, just sitting in the car.

Corey Allan: Or arm across the lap or around the shoulders so there's some touch that's going on, but it's an important part, right?

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: And I think that matters, just being honest with yourself about where are you.

Pam Allan: Yeah. And one of you is more desirous of just that touch, right?

Corey Allan: Totally. So last one, when was the last time you professed your love and appreciation for your spouse to someone else?

Pam Allan: I'd say that is, well, how often do I talk to other people about you? It's not every day.

Corey Allan: What? It's not?

Pam Allan: It's not a regular occurrence. It's funny, a lot of people that I work with listen to the show.

Corey Allan: That's true.

Pam Allan: And so, they'll come in ...

Corey Allan: Shout out to everybody.

Pam Allan: Hello coworkers. I won't throw your names on the air if you don't want that.

Corey Allan: Yeah, this is also I think, circumstances matter with what's going on with COVID and a lot more time at home. So it's going to be every once in a while for me to just because it comes up in conversations, it comes up with other people on just how's the status of things, so it's easy to, at that point to talk about, "Hey, yeah, this is where it is and this is good and I like this about my wife and how she's stepping up and done that and it's awesome that this happened." So I think those are all things that can happen, I just can't say most days.

Pam Allan: Be conscious about it.

Corey Allan: I think that matters, yeah, you're right.

Pam Allan: It does. I think that sets a good precedence for everyone around, given the environment. I don't think I'm the only one that we walk around and it's a little bit heavier heart right now and so, spreading those positive vibes ...

Corey Allan: No, that's good. So here's the hope for this whole thing because that's the last of the questions, is for those of the members of the SMR nation, be honest, where are you with these questions? Because I think it matters on, are you doing things that are aiming towards your marriage and towards the relational aspect and dynamic of it that can create it to be deeper or are you treating it just as a concurrent, alongside roommate, companion roles that we play with each other? Because intentionality matters, but intentionality followed up with action matters even more.

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: We want to thank our sponsor for today's episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, which is HelloFresh. And we also want to thank HelloFresh because they've been a part of our family for many, many months now.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: And they have taken a lot of the burden off of what can be conflictual when it comes to the way mealtime unfolds in the Allan home.

Pam Allan: That's exactly right, I love them.

Corey Allan: Because I don't know if you guys are like us, but typically it falls on one person's shoulders to lead the charge in this and sometimes that doesn't always line up with mealtime with the other person that you're married to, right?

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: They have a little more adventure in mind.

Pam Allan: Pam.

Corey Allan: They have a little more variety in mind.

Pam Allan: Pam.

Corey Allan: They have a little more nutritional factors in mind.

Pam Allan: Pam.

Corey Allan: They have a little more locally grown farm, organic in mind.

Pam Allan: Pam.

Corey Allan: Yep, those are all Pam. And so, if I'm the one that's in charge, sometimes that doesn't always happen. But HelloFresh has made it easy for our family because what happens is every week the meals we choose show up at our door. HelloFresh can cut out the stressful meal planning and grocery store trips because everything can be done in just around 30, sometimes even 20 when it comes to start to finish, to get a meal ready to go because they provide everything that you're going to need, all the ingredients in the right size, so no more wasting foods, which is a great bonus.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: HelloFresh is also flexible and it'll fit your lifestyle, you can easily change your delivery days or food preferences and with the way our weeks have been going the last several months, we've had to skip some weeks here and there and that is a simple and painless process and then we just pick right back up when we're ready to go again. So feeding the family has never been easier because you get to choose between portion sizes of a family for two or a family for four. We choose four ...

Pam Allan: We do.

Corey Allan: ... because lo and behold that's how many we've gotten our household. But we want to extend the offer to you, go to hellofresh.com/smr90 and if you've been listening to any length of time, this is a different code. So it's hellofresh.com/smr90, use the code SMR90 and you get $90 off including free shipping.

Pam Allan: Oh, good.

Corey Allan: Once again, that's go to hellofresh.com/smr90, use our code SMR90, and you get $90 off including free shipping. Maybe HelloFresh can take the stress out of mealtimes for your family too. So we have an email that came in Pam, and I'm going to try a little different with this one, okay? Because this is a little bit of a lengthy email. So as we're reading it, I want to start answering it rather than just we read it all and then we start unpacking it.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: So this is from a 33 year old wife that's been married for 14 years, they have three beautiful girls and she says, "I've been struggling with self confidence for most of my life. About three years ago, I finally was able to calm a lot of self doubt about myself. I started dressing nicer, so no more oversized shirts or baggy pants. I'm a plus sized curvy woman and three kids hasn't helped, ha.

Pam Allan: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corey Allan: I do work out and I still stay active, I've just never been a small person." I love right off the bat, how she's embracing the way she's made.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? That she's not trying to fit into some cookie cutter, what the world proposes.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: She's seeing, hey, you know what? this is me. And I'm curious about three years ago, what was it that helped her start to overcome these things? That something shifted and well done, whatever that is share your secret with your girlfriends ...

Pam Allan: That's right.

Corey Allan: ... because there's a lot of people that are still facing this battle. So she continues on, "I'm finally embracing all of that and feeling good about myself. My husband would agree and has always told me he loves how I look before and after the new clothes and attitude. He's questioned me several times about why I'm worried about looking good when I ask if I look good for other people. I always just reply that I want to look nice too just like everyone else. I started getting really mad about this though, as it kept on, because I see it two ways. Looking good can equal me wanting attention from other people or looking bad can equal dressed like a slob and be invisible." So she's hearing this interchange going between she and her husband, she's immediately going to the negative.

Pam Allan: Yeah.

Corey Allan: Right? Which I guess could be.

Pam Allan: It could, but that's an assumption, I guess. What does he really mean? Is it just a curiosity thing of, he may just wonder it doesn't really matter what other people think, which ultimately would be nice for us to all have that I don't really care what other people think.

Corey Allan: Right, but not going to happen.

Pam Allan: But we do. I mean, that's just how it is.

Corey Allan: So I see this, you can take it two ways, right? That there is some truth in it, possibly of why do you care what other people think? But there also can be some truth in it of, you know what honey? I don't care that you see it that way. This is why I'm doing this. And some of it can be, I want to be noticed, is that wrong? And that's the whole mirror of what a marriage is that it's both, it's usually both of them, positive and negative.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: Right?

Pam Allan: Okay. Well I want to be noticed or I want people to have a good impression of me, I mean, there's something about that. Anytime you go somewhere you could be making a first impression that goes a long way, whether it's with other parents at school or does it say if she works or is she a stay at home mom?

Corey Allan: So let me keep going.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: "So I feel trapped, honestly. I was invisible and made sure I didn't draw attention to myself for many, many years." Now we're getting to the crux of why this is striking a deeper chord with her.

Pam Allan: Okay.

Corey Allan: "I grew up in a strict Christian home. It was pounded into our heads that it's the girl's responsibility to cover up and not make the boys think inappropriate thoughts." Too late, right?

Pam Allan: The boys are going to think that anyway.

Corey Allan: Doesn't really matter what you're wearing, it happens just because boys are boys, girls are girls, we think that way as people, right? So I think that matters. "So this messed me up for so long. I've since thrown out that idea and I can dress nicely not showing a lot of skin and still be attractive. It doesn't matter what that makes other men think. I don't flirt or engage with these people in those types of ways," which is good. She's recognizing the dynamic of what's been drilled into her head from a negative, she's recognizing I can embrace some of this and just make sure I keep the guardrails in place and I don't go beyond it that it's just, hey, I'm good with me. We've talked about this over the years of when I carry myself well, it's going to be noticed.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: And then it's up on my shoulders or your shoulders depending on who we're talking about or this woman's shoulders to maintain the character of, I'm not taking this any further though. I'm just carrying me in the world.

Pam Allan: Just because I carry myself well doesn't mean that I'm flirting with someone ...

Corey Allan: Right.

Pam Allan: ... they're two different things.

Corey Allan: Here's the issue. "I think my husband is threatened that I'm doing this and getting worried that I'm looking for attention elsewhere when he has always given me that attention. I don't disagree with that, but I don't want my self confidence to depend on his opinion. I should feel good about myself not because he says so. I've read your books, listen to the podcast religiously, also the extended content and I love them. I don't know what to do. I've tried to explain my side to him and he keeps on keeping on, but he is so upset with me a lot of the time, it seems like it's worse when we're not getting along that I really wonder if I'm doing something wrong.
I should add that this all happened right when our marriage seemingly went downhill too. We don't get along at all and of course, that's another story for another day, but I wonder if I'm the root cause of everything falling apart. We both never cheated on each other or had inappropriate relationships if you will. I stay at home and he's a blue collar worker. I don't understand how me becoming confident caused all this to fall apart. I do realize I could be doing something totally wrong, but I would love to know if there's maybe an explanation when one partner is more confident than the other and how that messes with the dynamic?" So she's spot on.

Pam Allan: That it can mess with the dynamic?

Corey Allan: When one person changes some of the things in the system, it's a disruption to the system. And a lot of times the person that's being disrupted the most will send these change back messages, which he may not even be aware the depth of what the meaning he's actually sending across is.

Pam Allan: Sure.

Corey Allan: He may not be aware that wow, this is really testing me. I just know I'm reacting to this. And so, is she doing something wrong? No. Is this what happens when you change a system? Yes. And I think there's a huge distinction in that.

Pam Allan: So what would be her next step then with him? I mean, she's clearly saying all this started happening when the relationship started going downhill, it sounds like it's still toward the bottom of the hill because they're not getting along.

Corey Allan: Right. Her next step is to continue the path she's on not trying to convince him with her words, that what she's doing is fine. Show it, carry yourself in the manner that shows, baby, I am into you. I want this, I want us, but not at the expense of me being invisible. I want to continue down this path because a lot of times when we hit these issues where the person I care about starts coming back at me with stuff, for some reason I just haven't put the right order of words together to get them to understand what's going on, as if they are all of a sudden is a magical formula that they'll go, "Oh, okay."

Pam Allan: Now I get it.

Corey Allan: And that'll change everything about what's bothering them, doesn't happen that way. Instead, it's like, "Honey, I realized this has created tension in our marriage. I realize this has created maybe some tension in you, but I think you also need to recognize I've not done anything out of line, nor am I planning to, but I'm not stopping the path that I'm on because I'm liking me all the more and I hope that you will come up and join me in this because you get the benefit of that. And that's just a different way to conduct myself to lean into the discomfort, to create something better knowing I got to stay the course, not force it, but I don't back down just to make it a short term piece. The process is I stick to it and then I see what his reaction and response ends up to be." So apparently from this little survey you and I did, we got some work to do.

Pam Allan: I'm okay with work.

Corey Allan: Well good. You want to go out on a date?

Pam Allan: Yes I do.

Corey Allan: Deal.

Pam Allan: Yes I do. And that's on tape, everybody heard.

Corey Allan: Witness.

Pam Allan: So we're going to have to stay where we went.

Corey Allan: Exactly. Sometimes just the chance to do this each and every week with you.

Pam Allan: But we already said that's not a date.

Corey Allan: Dang it, you're right.

Pam Allan: How quickly we forget.

Corey Allan: I was trying to get credit for something that's already in there. How quickly we try to do that too.

Pam Allan: The box is not checked yet.

Corey Allan: Well this has been Sexy Marriage Radio. Apparently we need to sign off so I can go start checking some boxes.

Pam Allan: Right.

Corey Allan: If we left something undone, let us know, (214) 702-9565 or feedback@sexymarriageradio.com. I don't know how you guys listen, but I'm so glad that you do each and every week, whichever manner in which you listen. So can't wait to see you again next time.

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