Are you the high desire or the low desire spouse when it comes to sex?
Have desire differences created problems in your marriage?
Sooner or later, most couples experience problems in this area. Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples.
But what about (cue the dramatic music) if you’re the wife who has higher desire for sex than your husband?!?
It’s natural to feel bad about having sexual desire differences, especially if you believe that sex is a natural function. Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people. And at first glance, this makes a lot of sense.
But if you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes “naturally,” you’re in for a load of problems. You’ll feel pressured to create something that just isn’t there. You’ll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life. You may even begin to feel defective or screwed up. In turn, it’s less likely that you’ll address these sexual desire problems and even less likely you’ll succeed if you do. Add to this the seemingly taboo-ness of a man with low sexual desire (not as uncommon as you’d think).
When you believe that sex is a natural function, it sucks to be the low desire spouse. You may see yourself as the one with the problem … plus it’s likely that your spouse (the high desire spouse) sees you that way too.
The other big problem with approaching sexual desire as a natural biological function is it actually helps create low sexual desire because it makes sexual desire impersonal. It’s hard to desire sex when it feels like your spouse just wants to relieve their physical or emotional needs.
Know this: There’s always a low desire spouse and there’s always a high desire spouse – and there’s one of each in every marriage.